By November 1, 2011 30 Comments Read More →

This Little Light Of Mine

Today’s article was inspired by a post by Respite From Sociopathic Behaviour. Stating a fact I believe to be absolutely true, the post says:

“After narcissistic abuse there is light, life and love. Do not live in fear of the past — it didn’t last. YOU did!”

It made me smile — because these days I absolutely know this to be true. Believe me, there have been countless times when I could never even have imagined I would be able to experience any of those things again. The dark times have been overwhelming — not only after I escaped and realised the truth about my relationship, but also, as I now recognize, during the times I thought I was happy living with my ex.

In those days, though, I had no idea what I was dealing with. Then again, as I now realize, in those days I also had no idea who I was myself. In those days I saw myself as a caring soul whose job it was to put others before myself. To fight their battles. To rescue them. To care for them. To nurture them in the way that I would so like to have been nurtured myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think that in may ways I still am that sort of a person. But there’s a difference now. And that difference is that I now know how to look after me first.

The Perfect Target

When I was first introduced to that concept my instant reaction was to pooh-pooh it as a self-centered approach to life. It was back in 1997 when I was studying to become a Louise Hay Trainer. The main theme of her work is to teach us to love ourselves — exactly as we are. Yes, including the wrinkles, dimples, failings, and bad stuff”¦ all of it. Despite my immediate recoil about the idea, I came to understand that far from it being a selfish way of thinking, once we truly focus first on loving ourselves, then we can be even more loving and authentic with others. So, OK Louise, I agreed back then, and I still agree today.

Those were the days before my ex had even entered my life. Those were the days when I felt I was on top of my emotional and spiritual game. I was confident. I was grounded. I believed that I’d worked through all of my issues. I liked myself and I was proud of who I had become. The thing was, though, I reckon I still hadn’t quite “got it” when it came to putting myself first. Still driven by the overriding notion that I could give more to others by loving myself more, you see I was still placing my goal externally.

“I’ll be nice to myself so that”¦” Yes, the whole concept made perfect sense to me, but somehow (as I have only come to realize over the past couple of years) I had managed to skew it to fit my still not wholly resolved perspective about my own self-worth. Hmmm”¦ yes, just as my ex used a text-book sociopathic approach with me, I was also the text-book perfect target.

Carry On Regardless

You see, in the process of loving myself only so that I could give more to others, I had no real notion of how to measure my own well-being. So I didn’t heed the signs when my energy levels were depleted — instead I would just keep going regardless. I didn’t notice when my needs were no longer met — instead I would just keep going regardless. I had no idea that my chains were tightening in a deadly cycle of emotional abuse — instead I would just keep going regardless.

Having the strength to keep going regardless of the situation is, I believe, a great skill to have in your toolbox. But as with any tool, it must be used with care and intention. Yes, with intention. Because it’s our focus that will determine the result of our efforts — no matter how finely tuned the instrument we use to achieve it.

What I’ve learned since becoming free from my ex, is that the place to focus — in actual fact the only place to focus — is on what is happening within myself at any given moment, and how it aligns with the core of my being. What do I mean by the core? Well, in a nutshell, it’s the very essence of who I am — it’s the good stuff that makes me tick. It’s what drives me. It’s my soul, if you like, and despite all my years of training, it’s only recently that I’ve fully understood what that means.

For me, my soul’s ambition is all about experiencing more joy in my life. It’s about growing my internal “joy bubble of light” and thereby achieving every other goal that is important to me. Giving and receiving love, sharing with others, playing my part, adding to the greater good of us and the planet. These are all “sub-goals” that must, by default, be achieved if I focus on my own core driver.

It still means that I gain huge satisfaction from helping others. It still means that I am focused on developing my skills so that I can continue to work with other people. It still means that I am devoted to caring for others. None of that has changed. But the manner in which I approach these areas has most certainly changed — and the results have, interestingly, improved ten-fold.

Because the more I focus on growing my own light from within, the more able I am to shine for others. The more I check whether my joy-bubble is growing or shrinking in any situation, the more I can choose healthful circumstances that are authentic both to me and other people. The more I tune in to what is happening for me, the more I have to offer to the world. And now, finally, I believe I understand on a cellular level exactly what Louise Hay was teaching me all those years ago.

Just Because I Can

Finally I have woken up to the idea that I have an internal guidance system — an emotional and spiritual Sat Nav if you like. And you know what? It’s been there all the time — I just hadn’t noticed it and I certainly hadn’t switched it on! The more I tune in to it, the better I’m able to guide myself through everyday living. If my joy is shrinking, it is a sign that I need to do something different — move away from a person or situation, stop doing something, or start doing something. It doesn’t tell me what to do, it just warns me that there is something else I can do to improve my experience.

My internal Sat Nav has also resulted in a much more freedom — because I’ve taken off the restrictions that used to bind me. Restrictions or negative thinking, I’ve found, are just one of the things that can cause my internal light to diminish.

So these days I allow myself to choose to do things for no other reason other than “just because I can”. If I fancy going for a walk in the middle of the afternoon, then I will do it — just because I can. It means I come back to my work happier, refreshed, and of course more able to perform. If I fancy a long bath of an evening, I’ll shut out the world by locking the front door and turning off the phone — just because I can. It means that when I’m done, I can give my full, happily relaxed focus to anyone who may have called while I was soaking in the tub.

I’ve learned that there doesn’t even have to be a good excuse for doing things that make me feel good. I don’t have to “earn” something that enhances my feelings of joy. Neither does there need to be any nagging feelings of guilt.

I thoroughly believe that every single one of us has this light within us — we just may not have noticed. I also believe that our light, our joy, our sunshine, our soul — whatever you want to call it — is so pure and so filled with love and kindness, that by nurturing our light we can only ever achieve loving results. For ourselves and for others.

Just yesterday, my great friend Judi sent me an email that made me giggle. She’d just received some good news out of the blue and decided she’d do something to celebrate.

“So I opened a bottle of wine” she wrote “and I never do that at lunchtime! But today I have — because I can. And what’s more, I have a glass beside me right now!”

Cheers! Here’s to all of us. Here’s to healing. Here’s to freedom. Here’s to life. Let’s grab all of it with both hands — Just because we can!


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Me again. Your voice of sadness impels me to write to you. I completely remember this place of pain you now occupy. I thought I would die of a broken heart and mind.

You won’t be the same, ever again. But if you’ve come this far, and wakened to the truth of these maladjusted individuals, you will come out this experience closer to your personal potential than you might believe right now.

If you keep at this: reading, searching, feeling, seeing, intuiting, integrating, expressing, and NOT running away from these dreadful feelings and all the horrible pain….you will come out healed and SO much wiser and able. Truly.

The early part is sooooo hard. The days are just intervals to mark the seemingly endless nights. Endure. You can do it.

Whenever you can , try to access a part of yourself that can feel his ‘essential’ and ‘personal’ unimportance. And, at the same time, keep in mind that understanding his ‘type’ is infinitely important. He is a character for you to learn by.

These thieves are hardwired and immutable. They don’t ‘really’ have anything personal against us. They are hardwired to act out of a basic and undeveloped need to survive and win. They cannot see us in our fullness, as they are so thin in their beingness.

At one point we are seen as a tool they can use to survive and win. At another, probably rather arbitrary point, we are seen as an obstacle to the very same goals. And in actuality ‘seen’ is the wrong word. I think they operate from a much more undeveloped place. It is like pure reptilian instinct. They sense when their manipulations are gaining them minimal returns, and they run.

None of this has anything to do with us. None of it. It is the same story over and over and over for them. Remember this. It wasn’t you. He wasn’t a regular guy. He wasn’t a special amazing guy. He wasn’t a conscious guy. He wasn’t disappointed in you. He wasn’t in love with you.

He was acting out his biology and his warped and irreparable psychology. You are now free.

It is a horrible awakening we go through, via these fucked up people.

But to my way of thinking awakening is what I am here for.

Love and healing to you, Slim…..


I love what you wrote. You have such insight!

no that was not a love bomb. Sorry if it sounded like it.
I hate love bombs…


Slimone It’s nice to see your positive comment, you speak from experience, you get a TOWANDA button..nice to see you again stranger.


What does TOWANDA mean? 😀

Oh so beautiful! Thanks for writing this!

You know, I wandered back into LF after many days on the fringe cause I was needing some spiritual nurturing of the kind that only LF seems to give me. I had nightmares the past couple of nights and spent the whole day in re-occurring fantasies about going commando in Istanbul to rescue my cat and castrate my ex….and then I thought I NEED to get my butt into LF and read some articles, cause ONLY IN LF do people actually understand. I have talked with my beau about this, and he does his best, but doesn’t fully “get it” bless his earnest heart. I don’t assume he ever will get it, and he’s lucky for that.

But I am SO GLAD I came in here today and read this article, because after posting this comment, I am turning off my phone and taking a bath!!!!!

THANK YOU MEL for reminding me about the lesson that I learned recently, on a cellular level. Oh, I SOOOOO get you right now, every single word you wrote!!!! Home run!


Oh, purewaters3, TOWANDA is the spathinator battle cry. If I remember correctly, it came from Fried Green Tomatoes, right ladies? Correct me if I’m wrong.

That’s like when we ladies get all Xena Warrior Princess and bust out kung fu on a spath. Or Hercules (for Constantine, Hens, BBE, etc :))


Towanda towanda towanda ……go towards the light. Trust your light and let it shine

Ox Drover

Panther and Strongawoman! TOWANDA and good for you both! Good for us ALL!



Since you are definitely NOT a spath, I will take that as a compliment, and not love-bombing! Thanks….Me thinks the same about you.


xo. I read a lot, but don’t always have the energy/time to post. But I am here, in the background.

Thank you for another uplifting article from this author, Mel Pledger.

Just a quick note: The quote at the beginning that’s attributed to the Respite Facebook page was actually taken from a different page.

The original post by “After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love” is at
“Do not live in fear of the past…it didn’t last. YOU did!”

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