By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Many times our friends, in an effort to be helpful, but not actually understanding what we have been through in a “break up” with a psychopath, may tell us, “It’s time you move on with your life, and start dating again,” or words to that effect.
Any time you lose something important in your life, you suffer what is known as “grief.” It doesn’t matter if that something is a break up of a relationship, a job, a death of someone you love, or you lose the Miss America Pageant when you expected to win. Anything that was important and is lost causes grief.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, an internationally known psychiatrist, studied grief in the terminally ill and wrote a book called On Death and Dying. It is a classic text for nurses, physicians and others who work with patients who are terminally ill.
You may ask why the grief she studied in the dying is the same grief we experience in other instances. Grief is grief, and one of the important aspects in dealing with grief is time.
Importance of time
I have learned about time that there are some things you just cannot rush. You cannot get a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. Healing from a significant loss is one of those things that cannot be rushed.
One of the things that seems to be consistent in failed relationships, especially with psychopaths, is the intense trauma experienced by those who have been abused by this class of individuals. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with a psychopathic parent, psychopathic child, or psychopathic lover, the damage is intense. The grief afterwards is equally intense, and takes time to resolve.
Stages of grief
According to Dr. Kubler-Ross’s research, grief can be divided into several stages. Denial is the first stage. This is where the acceptance of the problem, the loss, is denied, because it is just too huge to comprehend “in one bite.” We tend to think, “No, no, this cannot be the truth; there must be some other explanation.” Denial, short term, is protective. It keeps us from having to acknowledge something that is too horrible to comprehend all at once.
“Sadness,” which is pretty self-explanatory, is another stage. As well as “bargaining,” or trying to figure out a way to “fix” the situation so it doesn’t have to be permanent. “Anger” is another normal part of the grief process. Any time we have been injured, we will feel a normal anger. The final stage in healthy grief leads to “acceptance” in which the grieving person comes to accept the reality of the situation and moves on with their lives.
Unfortunately, the grief process leading to acceptance does not proceed in a straight line from denial to acceptance. It vacillates back and forth, from denial to anger to sadness to bargaining to acceptance and back again, seemingly at random.
The death of a spouse, as an example, may take from 18 months to three or four years to adequately be resolved, in even a healthy grief resolution. Trying to “move on” from a huge loss too soon leaves us vulnerable to making poor decisions. Many people who have suffered emotional and other traumas from the psychopathic experience may try to ”move on” too soon and become vulnerable to getting into a relationship wit another psychopath.
I thought I was rescued
After my husband’s sudden death in an aircraft crash, I was totally devastated by his loss, especially in such a dramatic fashion. I felt alone, lonely, old and unlovable, and I was perfect fodder for the first psychopath who came along looking for his next “respectable wife” to cheat on. He love bombed me, and I thought I had been rescued from my sadness and my loneliness.
I was fortunate that I got out of the relationship before I married him, because I caught him cheating even before the marriage. I kicked him to the curb, but it broke my heart to do so. I ended up wounded again when I had little in the way of resources.
Not long after that trauma, my son decided to have me killed. I was again devastated by the realization that my son was truly a psychopath. I had denied it for decades, but was forced to finally face my emotional trauma.
Not completely healing from the trauma of my son killing Jessica Witt in 1992, I had failed to appropriately resolve my grief over that loss ”¦ the loss of the son I idolized. He wasn’t physically dead, but he was “dead” as far as a relationship was concerned, and I had difficulty admitting to that truth.
Adequate time
Time alone won’t heal us; I wish it would. But not giving enough time, and work, to grieving does not allow us to come to acceptance of our loss, and leaves us vulnerable to the next psychopathic trauma.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself adequate time to work on the emotional devastation you have experienced. But not only time, give yourself the gift of working on your grief issues. It is work, too. It is hard labor, harder than digging the Panama Canal with a teaspoon. There will be days, weeks, maybe months, when you will feel like you are not making any progress. Times when you feel like your pain will never end.
Given time and work, though, it will end, and you can come to acceptance of the losses you have suffered. You can then “move on” in a healthy way. God bless.
Louise
Did not intend to imply you were condeming her. Just hoped to add insight into my experience b/c you mentioned wondering why he stayed married to her so long, and that has been a question by others who wonder why a wife stays. But will say, she doesn’t love HIM. She loves the ghost of who she thinks he is.
(wanted to make sure you didn’t think I was disrespecting you.)
KatyDid:
No, I didn’t think you were disrespecting me at all. I also just wanted to be clear that I was not condemning the wife. Lord only knows what she has endured…sigh. 🙁
Sometimes I have to just laugh when I read the comments. We were all married to the same man…… Mine was always trading up, or so he thought. He did not even hide it. Right in front of me with office help, married women from social clubs, dating sites, match makers, college hookers. He must have promised a doz real estate women they could list his mansion over a period of 2 yrs just to hook them. He made no secret of it. Even his military buddies invited him in front of me to “see the girls” or look for “maids” or “cat-sitters” who wanted to make extra money at the College admissions office. (one is on my social network to keep an eye on me) His sister kept introducing him to “married but lonely” wives and the handyman left young men unattended at the house when I was not there. Sometimes the roofer pandered his wife.
He is old, toxic, religious, used up, alone, broke by my standards. and so pathetically out of touch on this planet.
Maybe he imagines himself to be Hef and trade up again.
DistressedGrandmother, you wrote that you believed that only your daughter could stop the madness, and I will gently disagree. YOU can stop the madness, right now, tonight, and for good or for ill.
Your grandchildren are not “happy” walking past you, being dragged into a courtroom, and so forth – you must understand this. Having typed that, it is vital to understand (and, eventually accept) that CHILDREN can become addicted to spath drama/trauma, by proxy. and I’ll explain why this happens.
Children being raised in severely dysfunctional environments are typically neglected and often suffer emotional abuse, at the very least. These children are NEEDY. They “need” validation, affirmation, love, attention, and guidance, and they get NONE of that if one parent (or, both) is a sociopath. They are confused, abandoned, and frightened. NOW…….here comes a court proceeding! Suddenly, everything hinges upon what these children have to say. They are courted by the spath parent and coached on what to say, what to reveal, what secrets to keep, and what consequences await if those children FAIL to perform as they have been instructed to. Suddenly, these children FEEL important. Suddenly, these children are the center of attention, whether it’s “good” attention, or not. SUDDENLY, these children are exposed to drama/trauma that is highly addictive in an environment that is void of love, nurturing, safety, security, validation, and attention.
You have the option of putting an end to this, and it is you who can stop it, not your daughter or the spath. Sure, send cards and notes of love and encouragement, but there comes a point in one’s life in a situation like yours (and, like mine) when the person has to make a difficult choice to save themselves so that they are emotionally healthy and whole when their children (or, grandchildren) need help.
I’m not suggesting that you abandon your granchildren, by any stretch of the imagination. But, what I AM suggesting is that you put an end to the courtroom drama/trauma and whatever brainwashing those children are experiencing at the hands of their mother and father. You do not have control over this situation. You don’t. And, anything that you try to do is going to be turned around by the spath(s?) into “supportive evidence” that Nana is a vindictive nutcase and should be avoided and despised, at all costs.
Dignity. That’s the only way that I can see to approach and manage your situation. Dignity doesn’t mean tucking one’s tail and rolling over like a beaten dog. It means keeping this whole mess in an objective perspective and NOT playing courtroom drama games with disordered people for “the sakes of the children.”
I honestly and sincerely feel for you because I lost both of my sons in courtroom drama/trauma with an extremely abusive exspath.
Tremendous hugs and most comforting blessings to you
TruthSpeak
You wrote “Dignity. That’s the only way that I can see to approach and manage your situation. Dignity doesn’t mean tucking one’s tail and rolling over like a beaten dog. It means keeping this whole mess in an objective perspective and NOT playing …. drama games with disordered people…..”
Thank you for this VERY Wise advice when dealing with any emotional carp with an spath.
TruthSpeak
I did not take them to court and me signing the peace bond will only keep the spath going. He will then set me up to be charged for breaking the bond then he will see to it that I get put in jail because he has a plan. I will not sign the bond. The judge will either have to through this matter out of court or charge me. because I will take jail if I lose to end this because it has to end. It is just to get it ended.I will sell my home and move on this summer to get out of here but I refuse to leave until my child in grade 12 graduates. She went to school here all her life and deserves to graduate with her friends. I have gotten a lot stronger and think more clearly. I wish I could make things right but I can not. I have tried and keep wanting to try again but keep stopping myself because it has done nothing but cause more trouble.I can be there to pick up the pieces but I can not save my daughter or grandchildren at my daughters age she should be able to save herself and her children but this is the part I will never understand. I just pray God Bless the Children.
Truthy, your advice above I think is RIGHT ON! I know that you know from EXPERIENCE the pain of losing your children. I wish it wasn’t good advice, but I think it is. I think that almost any time there is a court fight over kids, the kids end up being the battering rams and are damaged by the situation.
If a court fight can be avoided I think it is very important to do so unless the kids are in IMMEDIATE DANGER OF DEATH OR DISMEMBERMENT.
I know it is difficult to want to be with kids and to not be allowed to be with them, but even if the parents of the kids are forced by the courts to allow ,the kids will be PUNISHED BY THE SPATH PARENTS for the visiting. Unless it is a case of severe abuse where the suing party is trying to get custody of the kids or keep custody of the kids from a severely abusive parent, the court room drama rama is more damaging than WAITING and being there for the kids when the time comes that they seek out your company.
One oif my close friends raised her granddaugter from age birth to age 8, when her son remarried and took the girl away and wouldn’t let his mother even see the girl. The Grandmother took a volunteer position in the girl’s school to be able to “wave” across the cafeteria at lunch…and so the years passed. The GM then made peace with the girl’s BPD mother who had visitation rights and got to see the girl on the mother’s weekends, and so on, and now the girl is 17 1/2 and she is very close to her grandmother and is seeing her P father and her P step mother for what they are. The young lady is a wonderful girl in spite of having a P father and a BPD mother. So sometimes WAITING and thinking outside the box is the best options rather than trying to force the P parents to allow visits.
Each situation is different of course, but as painful as it may be, sometimes it is just best to WAIT. There are just things we cannot control.
Dear Distressed grandmother,
I am so sorry you are going through this….and I pray that you and your grandkids are safe.
I’m not sure what the signing the peace bond or not signing it makes a difference, but I hope that you do not have to go to jail. I also hope that your child graduates and you are able to sell your house and move on to a more calm atmosphere. God bless (((hugs)))
TruthSpeak Ox Drover
Thank you both for your input! I know you are both right and believe me I will do everything I can to protect my Grandchildren and if this does go to trial I will promise you that there is no way my lawyer will ever be allowed to cross examine my Grandchildren. Either the judge believe me that they are setting up to be punished because they believe I am like them and want me out of the kids life no matter what. He even indicated to my lawyer he wants me behind bars so if they have to win then so be it I will take Jail to end it. I will have to see a probation officer. I will never be able to be bonded so My being a foster parent will come to a end. I will have to let any employer know that I am under a peace bond. They will destroy everything in my life that meant so much to me. The police lawyer and judge all indicate that a peace bond is not a good thing. When I saw that young sweat man at court I wanted to sign but all my family said no Mom this will not end as long as he has the rope to hang you. He will see to it that you end up in jail. When my house sells and we move then I will sign the bond if I have to because I will be out of site out of mind and harder to set up for failure.
DistressedGrandmother, I am SO sorry that you’re being threatened with jail time, employment interference, etc. I experienced the same things when the exspath filed for a restraining order against me after he called for money and I responded that my attorney would be contacting him – thus, ending all communication with him. He did it out of spite and, during the criminal hearing, he told the Prosecuting Attorney that he wanted the case dismissed. The PA was FURIOUS because he had a “solid case” and the dipshit exspath insisted. When the PA asked him “WHY?” the exspath actually laughed, out loud, in the PA’s face ad whispered something to which the PA became incensed. It was all a waste of the Court’s time and the exspath had obviously abused the legal system.
The Civil restraining order hearing was even MORE ludicrous. The deal that I was offered was that the exspath would drop the restraining order if I agreed to waive alimony. Of course, I accepted the RO and am now in a battle over alimony – not property, not assets, not vehicles, not anything other than alimony.
I have probably missed something very vital, but I don’t understand why you were served with a Peace Bond. What is their “reason” for filing a Peace Bond?
DistressedGrandmother, I know that you are fighting this with tooth and nail and I agree that your attorney needs to fight to preserve your integrity to avoid this, at all costs. Fight for the “Right Reasons,” as your family has urged. This isn’t about the grandchildren – this is about you, and you’re going to have to sort out some way to separate this desperate desire to save your grandchildren from this battle. The desperate desire is the driving force that the spath(s?) are using with surgical precision to cause as much harm to you as humanly possible.
Set your jaw. Accept that your grandchildren and their well-being are not within your personal control and fight this battle for YOU.
From my own personal experience, I know how painful and hurtful it is to see children being torn apart by “bad” parents – I’ve been through court battles because I wanted to “save” my sons, to no avail. My reactions to the lies, manipulations, and coercions were classic “victim” reactions and this painted me as a loony toon instead of a very concerned parent. There wasn’t anyone to tell me that this was out of my control, DGrandmother. I didn’t know that I had no control over the court actions, in an capacity. And, I was hyper-focused on saving my sons. I lost those battles and it was painful beyod description.
So fight, DGrandmother, but fight for your SELF. Keep it all businesslike. Express your emotions AWAY from the sight everyone and in the privacy of your own home or in the office of a strong counseling therapist. Even looking or glancing at your grandchildren can be PURPOSELY misconstrued to your detriment.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and I wish there were something that I could say to help you, better.
Brightest comforting blessings