By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Many times our friends, in an effort to be helpful, but not actually understanding what we have been through in a “break up” with a psychopath, may tell us, “It’s time you move on with your life, and start dating again,” or words to that effect.
Any time you lose something important in your life, you suffer what is known as “grief.” It doesn’t matter if that something is a break up of a relationship, a job, a death of someone you love, or you lose the Miss America Pageant when you expected to win. Anything that was important and is lost causes grief.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, an internationally known psychiatrist, studied grief in the terminally ill and wrote a book called On Death and Dying. It is a classic text for nurses, physicians and others who work with patients who are terminally ill.
You may ask why the grief she studied in the dying is the same grief we experience in other instances. Grief is grief, and one of the important aspects in dealing with grief is time.
Importance of time
I have learned about time that there are some things you just cannot rush. You cannot get a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. Healing from a significant loss is one of those things that cannot be rushed.
One of the things that seems to be consistent in failed relationships, especially with psychopaths, is the intense trauma experienced by those who have been abused by this class of individuals. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with a psychopathic parent, psychopathic child, or psychopathic lover, the damage is intense. The grief afterwards is equally intense, and takes time to resolve.
Stages of grief
According to Dr. Kubler-Ross’s research, grief can be divided into several stages. Denial is the first stage. This is where the acceptance of the problem, the loss, is denied, because it is just too huge to comprehend “in one bite.” We tend to think, “No, no, this cannot be the truth; there must be some other explanation.” Denial, short term, is protective. It keeps us from having to acknowledge something that is too horrible to comprehend all at once.
“Sadness,” which is pretty self-explanatory, is another stage. As well as “bargaining,” or trying to figure out a way to “fix” the situation so it doesn’t have to be permanent. “Anger” is another normal part of the grief process. Any time we have been injured, we will feel a normal anger. The final stage in healthy grief leads to “acceptance” in which the grieving person comes to accept the reality of the situation and moves on with their lives.
Unfortunately, the grief process leading to acceptance does not proceed in a straight line from denial to acceptance. It vacillates back and forth, from denial to anger to sadness to bargaining to acceptance and back again, seemingly at random.
The death of a spouse, as an example, may take from 18 months to three or four years to adequately be resolved, in even a healthy grief resolution. Trying to “move on” from a huge loss too soon leaves us vulnerable to making poor decisions. Many people who have suffered emotional and other traumas from the psychopathic experience may try to ”move on” too soon and become vulnerable to getting into a relationship wit another psychopath.
I thought I was rescued
After my husband’s sudden death in an aircraft crash, I was totally devastated by his loss, especially in such a dramatic fashion. I felt alone, lonely, old and unlovable, and I was perfect fodder for the first psychopath who came along looking for his next “respectable wife” to cheat on. He love bombed me, and I thought I had been rescued from my sadness and my loneliness.
I was fortunate that I got out of the relationship before I married him, because I caught him cheating even before the marriage. I kicked him to the curb, but it broke my heart to do so. I ended up wounded again when I had little in the way of resources.
Not long after that trauma, my son decided to have me killed. I was again devastated by the realization that my son was truly a psychopath. I had denied it for decades, but was forced to finally face my emotional trauma.
Not completely healing from the trauma of my son killing Jessica Witt in 1992, I had failed to appropriately resolve my grief over that loss ”¦ the loss of the son I idolized. He wasn’t physically dead, but he was “dead” as far as a relationship was concerned, and I had difficulty admitting to that truth.
Adequate time
Time alone won’t heal us; I wish it would. But not giving enough time, and work, to grieving does not allow us to come to acceptance of our loss, and leaves us vulnerable to the next psychopathic trauma.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself adequate time to work on the emotional devastation you have experienced. But not only time, give yourself the gift of working on your grief issues. It is work, too. It is hard labor, harder than digging the Panama Canal with a teaspoon. There will be days, weeks, maybe months, when you will feel like you are not making any progress. Times when you feel like your pain will never end.
Given time and work, though, it will end, and you can come to acceptance of the losses you have suffered. You can then “move on” in a healthy way. God bless.
the sisterhood,
You don’t know me from Adam. I post, but generally to everyone, and not to individuals. I also tend to pop in and out. But reading where you feel stuck strikes a chord in my heart. I had these same feelings of ‘why her?’…
This may not be helpful to you AT ALL. And if it isn’t PLEASE just toss it to the side.
I have read a lot of stuff about fears of abandonment, and difficulty accepting rejection, etc….because I found that during my life part of what made me perfect fodder for abuse was that I couldn’t STAND the experience of being rejected or ‘abandoned’. I would hang on for dear life rather than have to face the horrible sense of being SO unlovable and unimportant.
I literally did not want to feel these feelings, because they totally overwhelmed me, and lead to severe depression. So, I would stay in the abusive situation to avoid the depressing aftermath, left alone with my feelings.
Here’s the deal for me, I hope it might lead you on a path of discovering what your ‘deal’ is.
I discovered that my own narcissistic (healthy) needs were not met in infancy. I was not mirrored, in loving ways, by my primary caregivers. I had NO ONE who could show me how lovable I was, by mirroring me back to myself. In child development this mirroring behavior is most effective from birth to about 2-3 yrs of age, if I am remembering right.
The net effect of this lack is that children will wander around, much like that duck in the children’s book, asking ‘Are you my mother?’, in the hope they will find the mirroring parent, and find their own ability to love and soothe themselves.
This lack of mirroring can happen for a variety of reasons: parents physical or mental illness, parental death, parental addiction, war, other reasons for physical separation, and a multitude of other situations that would prevent primary caregivers from cherishing and mirroring an infant.
The search for me was confounded by the fact that several of the nurturing figures in my family were also abusive. So, in a weird and roundabout way, the people I felt most attracted to, who mirrored me in the way that was familiar, were other abusers. Though on a conscious level I had no notion of what was happening, on an unconscious level I felt worthless, and completely forfeitable.
I think it is still also widely believed that once we miss this critical step in our development, that it is very difficult to remedy the issue of our insecurity, lack of ability to nurture ourselves, and soothe ourselves when we are injured or scared. Though therapy, which can allow for some ‘reparenting’, can be extremely helpful (as it was to me). This means finding someone you can work with and sticking to it for a LONG time, not just till you feel a little bit better, or don’t need drugs any longer.
It took nearly 20 years, and several spathy relationships, before I came full circle and REALLY grieved for the loss of my infancy experience, the deep wound that felt so easily re-injured, and the subsequent goose chase it sent me on in my adult years.
So, when the last spath gave me the FULL lovebomb treatment, with following disdainful and acute dismissal I felt completely (perhaps for the very first time I was able to ALLOW myself to FINALLY feel completely) the shame, hurt, self-loathing, doubt, and deep deep despair of not feeling truly lovable.
I realized it wasn’t HIM not loving me that hurt so horribly. It was ME not loving me. And, now, he was loving someone else…probably because she was awesome and lovable and not a walking mental health example of child hood gone wrong.
And so I had to re-enter therapy again, and process even more deeply, my original losses, and how they had influenced so many of my decisions, failures, pains, and losses.
It was an all out battle to regain some of my own innocent longing for love and care. And the months that followed in therapy were the hardest of all the YEARS preceding them. Because I finally had the strength to let myself nearly fall into total pieces and feel the blackness inside.
I realized some pretty scary stuff about myself. That I was pretty easy to lure into the narcissistic realm of ‘I’m special’. You know how the abuser, initially, can make you feel like you are really special, because you are with them? YOU are a queen, because he is a KING. This was a big triggered for that ‘baby’ me that wanted to be seen as special (as all babies really deserve, right?). I loved being adored. Even if is WAS on the second date.
The other big doozy for me was that I could ‘fix’ anyone. You read that right.
In my infantile way, having processed my shitty upbringing with a tiny mind, I thought it was all about my ability to fix any person I came in contact with. And, generally, I was ‘fixing them’ with my ‘love’ (read my acting either like a know-it-all, or a doormat. Generally both at the same time). Just like I tried to get my mother to love me, but failed. Try, try again…..because it is my fault no one loved me, and now it is my responsibility (and my GIFT) to use my magical ability to manipulate anyone into loving me, even the most unempathetic psychopath.
My therapist pointed out to me that 1. This was pretty narcissistic of me to believe I had the power to make or break any relationship, and 2. It pretty much gave the other person carte blanche to be as abusive as they liked, and not take a lick of responsibility for it.
When these things really sunk in, I started changing. A lot.
I hope this gets you to thinking about really, deep down, why you care so much about being left by him, and his taking up with a new target. Why this depresses you, instead of making you angry. Why these events are being internalized into depression….which is still hurting you.
I have a strong sense that each of us can figure this stuff out for ourselves, and with the help of either therapy/friends, whatever. I include you in that capable group. You found love and family beyond the betrayal you experienced, and I think you can find peace of mind, and genuine self-love and respect as well.
Not to be glib…but he is, just like ALL of them, not worth focusing on. Take your focus back into your own life and your history, your pain, and your healing.
xo,
Slim
sisterhood,
Wow!I applaud slimone’s post!I believe she is RIGHT ON WITH HER ANSWER!
Slim you said
My therapist pointed out to me that 1. This was pretty narcissistic of me to believe I had the power to make or break any relationship, and 2. It pretty much gave the other person carte blanche to be as abusive as they liked, and not take a lick of responsibility for it.
WOW!!! TOWANDA!!! RIGHT ON!!!! TOTALLY right on!!!! I GET IT, I lived it. I am it. Thank you.
Wow, indeed, Slimone!!! That is an amazing response. Very wise and very helpful. You are correct in that the initial trauma/lack of mirroring in my infancy is the root of it all. I went through withdrawal from crank as a baby and put into foster care at 1 yr. I was severely neglected that first year of my life. The next couple of years weren’t much better. I was then adopted by my foster family, but they turned out to be extremely disordered and abusive as well (just with an upper middle class lifestyle). I never felt like I fit in at school. Always the awkward kid who wanted to be like etc.
My self worth was always confused. On the one hand, I always fought back against the abuse from my family because I intuitively knew it was wrong and I deserved better. I always felt I did love myself. But in the other hand, I was always so desperate to be loved that I put up with not nice “friends” just to help fill the void. I did this all through my childhood right through High School. I did change, though. I no longer tolerate abusive people in my life. They are either confronted right away or dismissed from my life immediately.
My therapist says I’m an anomaly because of my resilience and my true care and love for others. I have managed to find a non-abusive spouse and surrounded myself with supportive people.
But I do understand what you’re saying about Realizing that it’s not about HIM not loving me, but me not loving myself. But I’m stung by your next line that “He is off loving a new girl because she is awesome and love able and not a walking mental health health example of childhood gone wrong.”
I’m actually devasted by that line. This is the core of my problem. I am so angry and mad that he is able to 1) love her and 2) I wasn’t good enough. I had too many issues and SHE didn’t.
Oh, and I’m really pissed the he thought of me as disposable and treated me like crap, but she is held up as “special”. Apparently she is still treated well.
See, I’m conflicted because I do think I was good enough for him. Just as good as his wife. I just can’t seem to understand why he thought I wasn’t. He came from a f’ed up family, too. Maybe even worse than mine.
It is just so confusing to me and I struggle to make any sense of it. I guess it’s one of the symptoms of the CPTSD. I want to have justice. I want my name cleared. Damn it, I was good enough and all those things he slandered me with are false. It’s just not right. And now his wife gets to be with the nice guy I fell in love with. She may never know the monster he was with me.
Sister,
You only see the OUTSIDE of that relationshit with him and her, my guess is that the INSIDE OF THAT RELATIONSHIT isn’t as good as it looks from the outside.
I think there are lots of people here who will testify that from the outside looking in, their relationshits looked good to OTHER PEOPLE, but from the inside lookiing out, it was HELL ON WHEELS.
So do NOT assume that all is rosy with them…my bet is it ain’t. I don’t know anyone who treats ANYONE like shit that treats anyone else “well” forever…maybe for a little while during a love bombing, but you know that love bombing doesn’t last long.
Slim’s comments were right on for me too, Sister. Your early abuse was obviously worse than mine (no drugs involved in mine etc) but not the kind of nurturing I needed and wanted. Leading me to “look for love in all the wrong places”—and tolerate abuse in order to get it. If what my P sperm donor and my egg donor offered me was “love”—yea, love like my P son offered as well.
Slim,
another excellent post. You’ve described my own issues to a T. It’s all about the shame of not having been a lovable baby. Or at least, that’s how it felt when I was a baby. I saw that my baby sister was adored and I was ignored, unless SHE needed something, then I was supposed to go make her happy.
I think a lot of us are dealing with childhood trauma. The trauma of being raised by and around disordered people is hard to shake off.
Though I no longer miss my spath, I do still long for love from my parents. The sad thing is, that they now act very loving toward me. And I don’t believe a word of it. Now, that I’m an adult, they are suddenly able to hug and kiss me, they shower me with money and gifts. Where was the love when I was a child and really needed it?
Slimone your post has been so helpful for me. It struck many chords. So many that like Sisterhood I reacted badly to the line about the new woman, as if I’d been personally insulted. Then I had a cup of tea and reread and your tone is highly compassionate and nuanced and I saw that the ‘new woman’ line was – I don’t want to be presumptuous here- but I now read it as you characterising the self critical staging of events in our own minds i.e. The ‘chosen one’ is healthy and ‘deserving’ we are unhealthy damaged and second rate. Sisterhood, that’s how I read Slimone’s line now, not as any attempt to outline any factual differences between you and this woman, but to sketch how you look at it in your mind. Peace and love to you x
slimone:
Thank You for your responses to my questions. Much appreciated.
And Thank You for the response to “the sisterhood”. That’s one that I will hang on the wall by my desk.
Tea Light:
You wrote: “The ’chosen one’ is healthy and ’deserving’ we are unhealthy damaged and second rate.”
Oh, I ‘get’ this! My grandfather and father were hard workers. As an immigrant not knowing english, Grandfather faced tough challenges and worked hard into his 90’s. My Dad sometimes worked three jobs – but died very young.
I grew up with the idea that we guys are defined by our ability to work hard and by the work that we do and our ability to make money.
At the same time, I bought into many of the ‘womens’ lib’ ideas that women are independent, have carreers, are ‘equal’ to men in all ways, etc. But, not totally. I still feel guilty when I cannot provide all that my current sweetie wants and I always try to open the door of a car or entry for a woman. There is a conflict there that has never been settled. I have resolved to have this conversation with my next girlfriend – if I get the chance.
So, imagine how low I feel when my ex-gf berates me over the ‘wealth issue’ and then appears to have been carrying on with a high 6-figure executive. Imagine, (As I have shared, earlier.) how I feel when (About 5 months after she had ‘cut me off’), I get a package from her before X-Mass containing a half-can of shaving cream, two old shirts and an old magazine. It was stuff that I didn’t even remember leaving at the ex-gf’s cave (apartment).
In the relationship, I felt motivated and she played a role in that. After some REALLY difficult times my earnings have been increasing for the past few years. We had the ‘money talk’ and I was doing my part to build for ‘our future.’ When I started shopping for a ring and asked her what she wanted is when the abuse and discard process became more blatant.
So perhaps, as a job and earnings helps guys define themselves, there is a corollary to what centers in a woman’s psyche and in her valuation of herself.
And, like a ‘typical’ guy – I want to ‘fix’ her – but can’t or won’t get the chance!
The experience has left me feeling worthless and hurt my business – but, thank goodness I have great clients and there is still work on the schedule. Keeping food on the table for my son, clothes on his back and some scratch in his pocket have been the main things that seem to be keeping me alive. Otherwise, I feel dejected with PTSD symptoms – kinda like what ‘the sisterhood’ describes.
Slimone, what a profound response. And, I want to say how incredibly courageous it is for you (or, anyone else) to get down to the brass tacks and do the hard work required to sort these things out. Seriously. It takes a mountain of courage to do the kind of work that you’ve done, and it’s no easy task. It’s ugly, it’s painful, it’s a source of intense grief and sadness, but the work gets done, and so many, many things become illumiated that CAN be changed and modified. TOWANDA!!!!
Fixerupper, toxic people have toxic goals – win at all costs, and take what they believe that they are entitled to. Whether it’s money, sex, status….whatever.
“Women’s lib” has been a topic of discussion, before, on LoveFraud and it’s a mistake to center this idea around a certain “type” of female. For me, liberation means (literally) independence so that I am not co-dependent upon anyone and tolerable of toxicity. I wish (oh, dear God, and HOW I wish) that I had “understood” this concept of self-esteem, self-awareness, self-value, self-validation, and independence before I entered into a legal, binding contract of marriage with the first exspath. If I had believed that I was “liberated,” it is possible (and, likely) that I would have maintained healthy boundaries and goals, and learned that I had choices and options – in education, careers, friends, and relationships.
What’s keeping you “alive” is your will to recover and LIVE, Fixerupper. And, what a tremendous quality that is! One day at a time, and only “expect” progress and NOT perfection. There’s no such thing as “perfect.” You’re doing fine and you’ll be doing finer as time factors into your recovery.
Brightest blessings