Perhaps you’ve always taken care of everyone but yourself. But now, you finally figured out that you’re dealing with a sociopath. Whether it’s your partner, parent, sibling or boss, this person has manipulated, abused or exploited you. How do you recover? You do what you must. You put yourself first. In this situation, it’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish.
It may take some time to sort out, in your mind, exactly what is in your best interest, and what isn’t. The sociopath, after all, causes so much trouble for so many people that their problems may seem to be your problems. It’s important to identify what is not your concern.
Problems that are not yours to solve
Typically, when you’re dealing with a sociopath, the situation is complicated. Not only has this person taken advantage of you, but a multitude of other people have also been affected. Yes, you can feel badly for them, but their situations should not be your concern, at least not early in your recovery. You should not worry about:
The sociopath
With his or her sob stories or guilt trips, the sociopath likely made you feel like it was your responsibility to fix his or her life.
First of all, recognize that anything this person said to you could be a lie, including the sob stories, justifications and excuses.
Secondly, understand that making you feel responsible is a manipulation strategy to convince you to give the sociopath what he or she wants.
As you start to withdraw, the sociopath will lay it on thick. Stay strong and do what you need to do. The sociopath may be pleading for your sympathy, but in reality he or she simply does not want to lose the gravy train.
You may fret about hurting the sociopath’s hurt feelings. Do not worry about this, because the sociopath doesn’t have any feelings.
Other women (or men)
Many Lovefraud readers have wondered: Should they warn the next victim? Some people say no — it’s too dangerous, or they won’t listen. I don’t necessarily agree with that.
In my view, I encourage you to at least try to warn the next victim, as long as you can do it safely. So again, this is the key point — put yourself first. If warning the next victim would create any risk to your own safety, recovery, court case, parenting plan, finances, job or reputation, don’t do it.
This is particularly important early in your escape and recovery. Perhaps later, when your situation has stabilized, you may have an opportunity to warn someone. Still, the basic advice applies — put yourself first, and only warn if you can do it safely.
The sociopath’s kids
You may have become acquainted with the sociopath’s children. In fact, the sociopath may have recruited you specifically for childcare services, although he or she claimed it was true love.
Now that you know what the sociopath really is, and you’ve seen his or her parenting behavior, you may fear for the children. This is truly sad, but you cannot put the children before your own interests.
Read more: Pain as motivation for freeing yourself from sociopaths
Even if the kids have been living with you, they are not your responsibility. You may have to say a prayer and let them go.
Crime victims
Perhaps you know that the sociopath has engaged in criminal activity. This may be a situation where you really need to be concerned about your physical safety.
Sociopaths have no moral qualms about committing crimes, but they do not want to be held accountalbe for them. If a sociopath learns that you turned them in, he or she may retaliate. If you’ve ever seen the sociopath be violent — even towards animals or property — it’s a warning that the person could lash out at you.
Sometimes cops or prosecutor may promise to protect you if you help them make their case. Be wary. They also put themselves and their careers first. So if something happens and they can’t keep their promises — oh well, too bad for you.
Maybe the best you can do is submit an anonymous tip. So be it. Put yourself first.
Your kids with the sociopath
In my mind, the only exception the rule for putting yourself first comes to children you have with the sociopath. If they are minors, you definitely need to help and support them.
Even so, you still need to protect yourself so that you can protect them. That means doing everything you can for your physical, emotional and psychological health. Sometimes, it may mean a tactical retreat from your kids’ lives, at least temporarily, until you are strong enough to advocate for them.
The stronger and healthier you are, the more you’ll be able to help your children.
Overcoming your conditioning
You may feel really uncomfortable putting yourself first, especially if you grew up with disordered parents. When you’re a kid dealing with abusive or controlling parents, learning to be sensitive to their needs, desires and moods is a survival mechanism. As you grow up, this survival mechanism turns into people pleasing and self-sacrifice. It also makes you vulnerable to sociopaths.
For this reason, you may have a hard time being selfish — it goes against the way you’ve always lived. But when you are escaping and recovering from a sociopath, it is in your best interest to be selfish. Focus on your physical, emotional and psychological recovery.
Later, when you’re in a better place, you can lend a hand to others.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I fell for it a million times