By | April 6, 2015 66 Comments

To the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing

unhappy loveOne of the hardest parts of ending a romantic involvement with a psychopath is accepting that to him or her, the relationship never meant anything.

In the beginning, when the psychopath pursued you, showered you with attention and affection, called and texted all day long it was just seduction.

When the psychopath proclaimed undying love, declared that you were the best thing to ever happen to him or her, pushed the relationship along while painting a glistening image of the future it was all to hook you before you escaped.

When the rough patches came and you ready to walk away, and the psychopath pleaded, cajoled, promised to change or even threatened to commit suicide if you left it was all to maintain control over you. The psychopath wasn’t finished with you yet.

Then, when you finally decided there would be no more chances, the relationship was completely and irreparably over, and the psychopath went after the money, property and kids with a vengeance well, that’s because the psychopath’s only real goals in life are power, control and winning.

Profoundly different

So how do you deal with this? How do you accept that all the professions of love were lies, and all the promises were worthless?

What’s necessary is to come to terms with the fact that psychopaths are fundamentally and profoundly different from the rest of us.

They are empty suits. Aliens. Cardboard cutouts. Use whatever analogy helps you understand that psychopaths are missing the traits and qualities that make the rest of us human.

They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. If they appear to show these emotions, they are acting.

They do not have the ability to love. They do not truly care about anyone else’s happiness and well-being. If they do things that seem to be supportive, it’s because the actions further their agenda.

You will never be able to understand how they think and why they do what they do. You just need to accept that they are what they are.

What was real?

By this point, you’re probably wondering, what was real?

YOU were real. Your love, caring and trust were authentic. You did your part, in fact, you did far more than your part no matter what the psychopath says.

You opened your heart, which is something the psychopath never did, and is incapable of doing. Unfortunately, you were deceived by someone who took advantage of your good nature and your love.

You have a heart. The psychopath does not.



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To add a bit to what Donna said when she wrote “YOU were real. Your love, caring and trust were authentic” – in spite of the horrific ending and realization that only one of us (me) was really in the relationship I thought we were in, I’ll always have the memories/know the feelings of what things felt like to me *at the time* throughout the 10+ years.

I know that may sound odd to some of you/us (why would I want to remember that which was not real?) but the point is, at the time, before I figured it all out, the feelings/love/trust I felt were real to me and that can never be taken away.


lifeisgood2013, I feel the same way about my situation. I was only with my spath for 3 years, but we had a child during that time and part of those memories for me are memories of us as a family that I cherish for both me and my child. I can not control what my spath does or feels anymore than I can control what any other person feels, but I know what I felt at the time and that is my truth and reality. I loved, I fought for our family, I hurt, I was scared, I felt joy. I felt those things and I experienced those things, and nobody can take those away from me.


I believe I was involved with a psychopath from last August. Here is what happened:
1. This guy is my colleague. During my second and third year in my workplace, we talked as colleagues almost once a week during semesters when we both took our child to the same extra-curriculum activity. Our topic revolved around how to parent children. He had a wife. I was a single mom. He appeared very nice, patient, agreeable and trustworthy. He was tenured and I wasn’t. He was in his early fifties and I was in my late thirties and early forties.  
2. During the fourth year, my job was in danger. When he asked how I was doing at the extra-curriculum activity, I told him about it. He offered to help me write a response letter, but I didn’t accepted because my department chair already helped me on that. He then cautioned me not to appear angry in the letter.
3. Last August, I had a designated professional relationship with him. Of course he supervised me. In our first one-one-one meeting, he told me he drove to a city that is 1.5 hours away from our town every T and Th the first few semester when he got a job at our school. He also made a phone call to his daughter and asked if her mom was at home.
4. He invited me for a coffee on campus and I agreed. I was intentionally late. When we met, he patted me and there was a sparkle in his eyes, which scared me because he had been very respectful to women faculty. He did the same thing when we parted.
5. He texted me that he looked forward to seeing me again after the coffee. I replied three days later, apologizing for being late and emphasizing that “I was busy over the weekends.”
6. I needed his advice. During our meeting, he said one or two of his students were hard to please, “didn’t do this; didn’t do that,” even though he was with them 24 hours.
7. An issue at work was resolved because of his help. He wrote to me that I could talk to him whenever I had a chance. I replied I would see him four days later during his office hours. He replied back asking if I would attend a meeting in the afternoon. I went. During the meeting, he said “some students took some courses. When they considered studying abroad, they wanted to go to China.” ”“ I am from China. And then he said “When International Studies program was designed, I was not there.” He emphasized “I was not there” and continued “I was told that International Studies program was designed with American students in mind.” ”“ He is from Africa. We didn’t talk in the spring of 2014 because the extra-curriculum activity stopped due to lack of funding. I was about to leave. His phone rang. When I got out of the classroom, he got out as well. I heard he spoke to the phone “Everything was locked down? ” Thanks.”
8. I was scared because what he said seemed to allude to something: he liked me after years of marriage; he wanted to have children with me, which was not surprising because our talk at the extra-curriculum activity revolved around parenting; he was either divorced or separated during the spring of 2014. I recalled I ran into him in the morning of a thankgiving with a good-looking girl; I recalled our professional relationship was not confirmed until he and I sat together at the faculty meeting by his invite. Then I recalled last Sep. it seemed that his daughter mentioned “my dad and mom were separated” when she came for the activity. Also, I realized why I got help when my job was in danger: he informed his friend who was in the position to help me of my trouble. The reason I made the conclusion is that they are both from Africa and they are friends. I thought about how his friend knew about my case. I thought about everyone I talked to about my trouble but it didn’t even cross my mind that it could be him. I also recalled during the semester when I was in trouble, he asked me to drive her daughter back home. Also, one day he was late to pick up his daughter and I was waiting until he came.
9. I thought he had been in love with me for years; he risked everything in his life for me; he was ready to be with me. I went to his office, dropping him off a note “Spend time with them; they are your blood; Get involved. Treat her fairly.” He thanked me. I also mentioned “I am waiting for your phone call.” He said 7 students didn’t get their exams due to their absence. He wanted me not to move to the nearby city.
10. He texted me that he wanted to meet me as my mentor after our meeting. I blocked his number for three days and then texted him my availability. He replied “I am looking forward to seeing you. Will reply to you soon about my schedule.” He didn’t for two days. I felt I was inundated by his unconditional love so I texted him “I am willing to surrender. If you accept it, give me your personal email address. If not, let us pretend nothing happened.” He gave me his personal email address and wrote “I look forward to hearing more about external reviewers.”
11. We had the first date at a coffee shop away from our campus last Dec. He said he had positive experiences throughout his life; he was going to interview a woman for a job for the next semester.
12. The second day after our first date, he texted me that he would rather to keep professional relationship with me. I was confused.
13. I went to his friend to ask if it was he who informed him of my trouble; his friend confirmed. His friend also mentioned the President knew about my case, which for me meant he went to the President to protect me. I worked with his friend to help him for a high position in school. His friend asked me to contact him quite a few time but I didn’t.
14. He dropped me an email “I am looking forward to speaking with you soon” before the winter vocation began. I didn’t contact him for the whole winter holidays.
15. I wrote to him “I am ready to talk if you still want to” after the spring semester began. He kept postponing our meeting time. I invited him for a meeting again because I didn’t want to “regret for the rest of my life.” He waited for a day to reply “What do you want from me? Why don’t you just tell me your expectations on me?”
16. I sent him an email admitting “I have been missing you so much so I know I love you.” He texted me that “I really want to help you succeed in our school”…I would rather keep professional relationship with you. Is it Ok? —I will continue to look out for your interests like I have done in the past.” I bombarded him my feelings for him. He was silent.
17. We needed to meet for business. He emailed me one day before our scheduled meeting date “I have emergencies at home. We have a plumbing problem”Additionally, I booked an appointment with a cable company”Let us make sure we are in the same page: we are going to talk about business, nothing else.” I replied “Makes perfect sense.”
18. He called to postpone the meeting again. “The plumbing problem can’t be solved within one hour. How about we meet at 2, 4, 5pm?” I have only one child; the time he proposed didn’t suit to me even though I had already told him so before he proposed.
19. We met one day before the Valentine’s day. Before he came, he texted me that “I am on my way to grounds for change.” Ground for change is a student-run coffee shop on campus. He said he would be busy on the Valentine’s day for preparing a trip to Africa; his department chair told a woman faculty in his department that she needed to do research and teaching better but the woman sued for sexual harassment; tenure would protect his department chair; there would be policy maker in his conference for “you employment;” his topic would be young people in Africa because they “have nothing to lose;” he told me our next Provost would be a woman; our current Provost “hates men;” he was going to proofread his book which would come out in May. He seemed crying at one point. When we walked back, he obstructed me from leaving him. He even took out handkerchief since he seemed crying. Then he greeted a colleague.
20. In the evening of the Valentine’s day, I texted him “How are you doing?” He replied “busy”Happy Valentine’s day.” I thought we were in a relationship. Strangely sometimes he didn’t reply to my texts.
21. He went to Africa. When he came back, he wrote to me through campus email “I just got to the office after several hours of flight” and then he talked about business. I texted in the evening and we chatted for half an hour. And then he stopped to reply to my text for two days again. I texted him “When would you take me for dinner?” He replied “I have no interest other than professional relationship. Please communicate with me only through campus email only regarding official matters.” I was confused again. I texted “we should act maturely and responsibly.” He replied “if you don’t stop texting and harassing me, I will have no choice but to report you to the relevant office on campus. I have given your enough warning. I have exercised enough patience. Please do not text anymore. If I receive a text from you, I will bring it to the relevant officer.” His sudden changed persona shocked me.
22. I asked him wife and his wife said “we live in the same house.” I asked his 12-year-old daughter and she said her dad still lives with him. What she said last Sep was his parents had separate schedules. I went to the court and didn’t find his divorce file. I also found he had a bank complaint in 2011 for $6000 debt and it was dismissed in 2013. He was already tenured for 3 years in 2011 and he should make at least 90,000 to 100,000 at the time.
23. I didn’t contact him for more than a month. It turned out that our next Provost is a man who he made comments “soft” during the meeting before the Valentine’s day. He should have known who would be the next Provost earlier on since he is at a higher level in school. My interpretation was what he was saying during the meeting and when we walked back was “I am wrong. Don’t leave me.” He wanted me to take the initiative to contact him again by his gestures during our interaction, but the traces he left in written emphasized we only have professional relationship.
24. He married his wife when he was in Africa at about 30; had the first daughter when he found the first job and was about 37; had the second daughter when he found a tenure-track job and was about 42. His wife is 50; got a bachelor’s degree in Africa; didn’t pursue further study; seems to be pretty when she was young; wears the same coat throughout the whole winter; shoes are dirty; is not fit at all; says whatever she thinks, even though it would offend other people. When I met his friend and asked if he was divorced or separated, his friend said “very possible.”
25. The most appalling things: 1. He lied to his colleague and it is easy to find out in this small town; 2. He never thought about getting a divorce but he made brazen lies: he was divorced or separated; he bought a new house; 3. He completely disregards my wellbeing, who is a foreigner, single mom, junior faculty and helped him run for the next Provost. I even talked to the President about it.
26. I decided I will adopt “no contact” strategy, but I know it is difficult because it is a very small school. I am afraid if I sever school-designated-professional relationship, he would retaliate. I am afraid if I have to go to a meeting in which he is also present, he will manipulate me again.

Anyone can diagnose if he is a psychopath? Anyone can offer suggestions on how I can survive?


Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose psychopathy and they need background. The best you can do is stick with the No contact approach. If you do have to deal with him professionally it is best to keep it on that level. You know what he is doing. Don’t let yourself be manipuLated. Think about the cost if you did. I know it isn’t easy but unless you are will to find a new position and move it is all you can do. Do not let him play you. Be the strong woman you must be to be where you are. Find someone who will be honest and affectionate.


Thank you very much for your support. It is hard because we are in the same small school. I am willing to move but I have made good friends here so I am still deciding. Yes, I will remain a strong woman. And I won’t allow myself to be fooled next time. This is not the first time that I ran into a con man. It is the second time. Can you believe it? I kind of thought there must be something wrong with myself. I will always tell myself there are bad people out there. They think and act in a way that I can’t imagine. Don’t be taken advantage of by them. I have a kind heart but it doesn’t mean that I should be taken advantage of.



I posted this shorter after you posted your original post, but it seems to have never posted. So I don’t know if it’s still relevant. But here were my first thoughts:

Go no contact. There isn’t indication that he’ll be violent, but take basic safety precautions.

Go to whoever you need to and ask for a different professional setup. Then with him, act breezy, like it’s natural that something is different. Tell them you need to change because you what to try something else out. Or if that won’t work, that you feel like you’d be better off with a different setup. Don’t go into any details. Don’t bad mouth or imply anything negative in any way. That’s the kind of thing, that can come back to bite you with an oddball person without decent boundaries. Don’t talk to co-workers or students about him.

He could be unpredicatble about the change, but the less you “look” like anything matters to you, the better. He’ll move onto someone he can get a reaction out of.

Don’t contact him. For anything. This isn’t datable material. Nor a friend. He’s a weirdo, who’s early signals confused you, and now you know.

If he approaches you, find something neutral to say and repeat every time. “They changed the arrangements.” or “I wanted to work with so-and-so because they have suchandsuch expertise.” At worst case “I thought it best to create a purely professional relationship, if I switched people.”

YOU can judge and gage whether you need to stay in this a little bit while acting professional, then make the move away… or make it right away. Any which way, staying in a dangerous relationship to avoid danger, is only important when you’re gut tells you, you really can’t safely leave yet (and then you go to a safe house). Otherwise, it’s important to get out as soon as possible.

Don’t worry about looking foolish, being rash, or any other self-admonishment. You went through the effort of writing this all out, right? Your instincts have already now told you what you need and want to do. It’s a matter of how. People who respect others, will respect you and your instincts. Normal people do not have you wanting to write long lists of what’s happened between you…

Hope that helps. I (personally) wouldn’t care if he’s a psychopath or not. He’s already off the list of normal and safe. That’s enough to set up boundaries, protect yourself, and move on.


Thanks. Certainly I will not contact him and I will sever the professional relationship. The only thing is I will run into him during our meetings which I don’t want to happen. So I don’t know the institution could help me with this.


What I am fearful is mind control. This guy is very good at it and I was fooled before.



“The only thing is I will run into him during our meetings ”

One option:
Go to the meetings early, but with tea or something in your hands. Then stand around as people pick seats and arrive, and pick your seat to be not close to him. I used to have weekly meetings I was in charge of, with one attendee who liked to touch my arm (a control move) and turn to me closely. I used to go early and put down my stuff kind of between chairs, then if two people sat with a space between, I moved into that space. Of if he came and sat, then I’d sit somewhere else. It’s a lot of work so just getting comfortable and simply ignoring him in your mind is better and easier.

He’s a meaningless person. He has so little integrity that he’s a nobody. Once you think of him that way (which is accurate), then treat him like the fly-spec, happenstance that he happens to be. It’s okay to be disgusted by him, and let that feeling sit there for you when you are around him. You just don’t want to say it outloud. Just figure that’s his problem. Meanwhile, even complete idiots can be professionally useful, so if he happens to have something to offer that way in the meeting — that’s fine to appreciate too :).

When you say mind control, can you give me an example? People here talk about that happening a lot, but I’m not sure what’s meant. I’ve probably experienced it. I know you’re writing about your problem, but I think it would help me for myself to understand this kind of thing better.

Very good chance that once you let this go in you mind and don’t worry about it, it will fade away and really look like nothing much to worry about. Just an immature idiot you happened to meet in life.



Hi Summerspring, I hear your angst, pain & confusion in your post about this man. I want you to know that it is not so important to figure out that he is a sociopath/psychopath or not. What is important is the fact that you went online to search his bazaar & lying behavior which lead you to Lovefraud. YOU know in your gut he is not a good guy, you know in your gut that you have to follow the no contact rule. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT ABOUT THIS MAN!!

YOUR gut will NEVER steer you in the wrong direction!!

Something clearly is not right in the mind with this man if you choose to do search in the first place.

Somethings that stand out in your post:

he is married yet chatting you up and other woman (not a good husband)

he is married now maybe separated living with his wife still and pursing other woman. This right here is a RED FLAG that he is not ending his relationship with his wife and then start to date. Is he manipulating his wife to stay in their home? why is she not leaving him? is he lying to her to keep her around? does she even know she is now “separated? He maybe lying to all parties involved including his own wife so that he can cheat on his wife.

Either way he is not in a position to really date. You do not want to get involved in his messy life what so ever as it will just bring chaos & dysfunction into your life. He is living with his wife yet dating other woman? HE SOUNDS LIKE A PLAYER…a con man who loves to cheat on his wife. What better a place to find woman then at a university.

He “lies” to his colleagues. YOU dont want to be around a liar!!

“He bought a new house”…that means he is NOT separated from his wife it seems they are very much a married couple…if you are not getting a divorce = you buy a house, if you are getting a divorce = you dont buy a new house.

I would highly suggest you follow the NO CONTACT RULE with this guy asap. I would also highly recommend that you call your local abuse center and go for free counseling and free woman group meetings. BOTH will help you sort out that this guy is manipulative & a liar. You can call the National domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) to talk with a free counselor and to get your local abuse center numbers. Reach out for help hon, you are not alone there is a free counselor just a phone call away.

Find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse the local abuse center might have a outside recommendation.

Be careful who you share your story with at work, it’s best to keep work talk about work only and personal talk with a trusted friend that is not part of your job.

Dont let this guy hurt your career at this college. AVOID HIM at all cost, block his phone number and email address. Follow the NO contact rule.

read Lovefraud by Donna Anderson (the book is up at the top of the site under “book store”.

Keep coming here and venting and read everything plus watch the videos at the top of this site under the video section.

Wishing you all the best.


ps It is not surprising you have “run into” another con man. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths on this planet. YES!!! 1 in 25 people. that means every classroom that has 25 people there is one sociopath!! Scary world we live in!!

1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist personality disordered.

Books to read:

Lovefraud by Donna Anderson

The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker (Google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut)

The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout (this book you can listen to on you tube for free ~ I highly recommend that you do as it will give you an insight into the evil people of this world.

Also check your university library for books on Narcissist & sociopaths.



Is it 1 in 25 were determined to be psychopaths… or determined to have psychopathic tendencies?

I thought it was the later from the research, but I don’t have the link bookmarked to check it.

Just curious.


Mind control:
1 He said a woman faculty had doubts on his character later changed her opinion. What happened next was he texted me that he would rather maintain professional, which made me wary of his integrity and one month later, I forgave him because he kept asking his friend sending me the signal to contact him.
2 He said his department chair talked to a woman faculty about research and teaching and the woman faculty sued sexual harassment. I am about to talk to the administration about what he did to me.
He seems to be able to look ahead several steps

I know what I am feeling now. After confusion, verification, I feel betrayed. I trusted him as a friend from the beginning. I feel shamed because I was fooled although I know it is not easy not to be duped. I feel unsafe, because he is unpredictable, no principle and I am not sure what he will do next to retaliate me for my severing professional relationship with him.


Summerspring, please keep in mind sociopaths are expert at manipulating people with their words and turning the table on the true victim (you). Sociopaths have been playing manipulative games their whole life. They can turn the table to make the true victim look “crazy” or “the problem” not the actual sociopath. This guy if he is a narcissist or sociopath will manipulate the administration with his words (or at least try)

Talking to a advocate at your local domestic abuse center or an employee lawyer who has a very good understanding of a sociopaths behavior might be best. Be selective who you trust as this is your career. Many victims of a sociopath at work end up loosing their jobs trying to point out that there is a sociopath among them.

Remember the administrators and HR departments dont want any future law suites from anyone that as issues with this sociopaths so the school is going to protect themselves first.

So make sure you protect yourself by documenting everything in a journal with dates/times/who you talked with/what was said on both ends and talking to people who can guide you in the best direction.


Summerspring, I can tell you that my counselor said that only professionals can diagnose a psychopath/sociopath but in the back of my mind, I am thinking that I can act according to the character’s personality. If he lies, he is not a good character. I have to deal with the bad character in my life. The counselor suggested that I be polite but distant. -no fuzzy, huggy behavior from me This needn’t have happened to any of us. I wish you well!


Thank you for this article. This is just how I was feeling yesterday- thiking about how the whole thing was fake. I guess it just takes a bit of time to process and recover.
It’s like they say, no closure and unanswered questions is what remains with these breakups.
They are mind-boggling idividuals.
I just need to think of it as- they are sick. Sick. Sick.
Thank you Donna and all of the supporters here.


Donna, this is such a good reminder and something that actually crossed my mind when I ran into my ex spath the other day at church. He has been persistent at making everyone uncomfortable there (not exaggerating) for the last 2 years that we have been divorced. Anyway, this time I was in the kitchen by myself getting some coffee. I saw someone out of the corner of my eye having NO idea it was him and before I knew it I had said, “Hello”!!!! (ACK!!!) After that I pretended I had meant to and followed up with how are you and then he answered with bla bla bla how the Lord is SO good to him bla bla bla and I stirred my coffee hurriedly and left. My heart was beating very fast but I was ok. I ended up being glad I had accidentally said hello instead of shrinking back and acting like it make me uncomfortable. This was only the second time I had faced him without being about to avoid conversation. The first time he had insulted me after a play I had been in that he of course attended. Anyway, your advice makes me think. I KNOW I did my best to love him. I KNOW that I was in love with who I thought he was and then who I wanted him to be. That IS good. That is something I will try to hold on to. There is nothing wrong with trust, love and kindness, And that’s what I had for him. It is weird as I have no feelings for who I know he is now. I love who I thought he was. And there really truly is nothing wrong with that. I didn’t make the same mistake again. I now have a REAL man who loves me and who is genuinely kind, loving and trustworthy. I love him too but it’s genuine, not make-believe.

still reeling

You make a very good point, Linette. I think every day about the ex-path who jumped into my life and roped me right in but didn’t give a whit about me. As you said, “It is weird as I have no feelings for who I know he is now. I love who I thought he was. And there really truly is nothing wrong with that.”
You nailed it and it’s true for me as well. I’ll admit, I made excuses for his inconsistent, puzzling behavior that left me feeling confused and lonely at times. But today, I realize completely that the person I thought he was was an actual *person*. He is not a person. Any human qualities, as Donna stated, any compassion or caring he showed was for his own personal gain.
I’m very glad you have a guy in your with whom love is genuine and a two-way street!!


Apparently my older sister is telepathic. Over the past year or so I have read enough to realize enough. About her specifically. That she fits all the profiles on spaths that I have read. And she seems to know telepathically that I have figured her out.

She literally has disappeared (not physically at all) but into a form of retreat that I receive telepathically. She knows that I know.

And her power over me has been greatly diminished and I am no longer afraid of her. We usually fear the unknown…now I ‘know’.

And she knows it too.


The guy really promised me nothing. He just happened to come into my life at the same time I moved out of that broken trailer, and moved into the next trailer that was only a little better. I was so traumatized by living in that broken trailer with my little boy. He mentioned he does home repairs, and my mind told me stories that he will help me with home repair. I asked for a barter for computer for home repair. He called the next day with that suave voice saying he wants the computer. But, the home repairs? He said yeah, yeah, never really agreeing to anything. Years later after I was out of money, and the repairs were never done. His bills were paid, he had food in his fridge, and I was out of money, I was stretched to pay my bills, and my rubber roof was attached by three screws, and roof still blowing in the wind.

His attempt to get me back was to yell: still need your house fixed?

He again didn’t say he would fix it. He was just inquiring if I needed my house fixed.

I think it finally bit him in the butt. He is behind on property taxes since 2011.


Hi all,

Have not written here for a long time. I’m looking back in hindsight (a great thing) and maybe it’s just me..I’m ‘sensitive’ and found it impossible to date again after the psychopath…I’m 55 now and living very happily alone, with a great job and I value my peace above al but here’s the thing…

does anyone experience ALL the memories of sharing your love, sexuality, precious time with a psychopath as traumatic flashback associated with PTSD? it wasn’t just rape of body, but mind and spirit over time as well making it a traumatic extended period of time?

I experienced every memory as painful flashback (almost unbearable) for the last while and elements continue to flash and I’m dealing with not only one bad experience but even the good ones with him were lies and so nearly worse than the bad. These flashbacks are healing in nature as they gently offer the ‘truth’ leaving me exposed as prey, which I’m dealing with by practicing acceptance and compassion for myself as I try to handle the extent of the damage.There was nothing I could do and I’m still owning that.

Question is. Extended longterm exposure to a psychopath in which we have shared our love, our being our ‘everything’ with is experienced as traumatic after the mask drops, leaving us in PTSD condition? has everyone experienced this or is this just me taking it particularly badly?

Thank you, and I’m aiming to catch up on here again as this PTSD is preventing me from trusting again



Thanks, it’s reassuring. It is great to have Lovefraud to return to for understanding and clarity. Here I feel people KNOW the head wreckage we have been through. It’s amazing the capacity if the mind to unravel it all and attempt to get back some trust.

Kathleen Hawks article on trust, talks about childish trust and magical thinking vs adult trust that is based on conditions – conditions of trust. At any time these conditions are broken, we can ‘work’ out that something is wrong.


Sometimes I think about him finding someone else and treating her like a person. I think, he’ll find her and it’s just me that he hated, he’ll treat her like gold. Torture, torture. Then I read this and I think, yes, but, do you really think he will love another person for who she is? And the answer is, only if she is exactly the perfect representation of his whole ideal woman. Then I take it further and think, do you really think that he’ll just stop all of his other behaviours, because he’s in love? He’ll stop staring at 14 year olds? He’ll stop going to those porn viewing booths? He’ll stop going on five day drinking binges? He’ll stop doing drugs? He’ll stop lying? He’ll stop saying “I don’t remember that” when she asks him why he said something? He’ll stop telling her that he needs sex now or he’ll be forced – her fault – to go to a street worker? He’ll stop blocking her conversationally with his biblical nonsense ranting about how he’s the new messiah? He’ll stop dumping women when convenient because they were vaccinated in the wrong year? He’ll stop flirting with anything that moves? Then once I’ve thought that, I think, the only way he’ll ever love anyone is by divine intervention. Total healing of his entire personality. And if that happened, he’d want to say sorry to me.
It is a winding road.


I think he would have to find someone who would accept all that. I think he would pretend at first like it seems they all do. I think similar things as you, but I think it would only be a matter of time until the mask slips.
I struggled wanting to know that that’s why his ex left with the children- as he played victim and cried.
I think in my heart of hearts I know.
I think acceptance is hard, but we can heal.


Lol, yes. He does require a lot from a person. Chiefly that you take your brain out after you take your shoes off. Yup, the mental fog he can induce by just not listening to a word you say and insisting on his own crap again and again, I guess, if she can live with that, she deserves his glorious company.
I think he can control a lot of the horrible behaviours he engages in. But, I also think there’s something in him that is so out of whack, just deciding, right, I love this woman and I’m going to make sure she knows it and stop being a prick, won’t tread on it. Something really weird inside, deep down. Sometimes he’d look at me and it was like you could just get a glimpse of the strangest activity behind his eyes that made me think – genius? Or…It was like, if his inner-tension got any higher, it would blow his head off his body. He just had so much gunpowder going off inside. I did used to fear that he’d snap and go into a frenzy state. I’d say to him, I’m afraid you’re going to snap, and he’d say, sort of impatient and disgusted, but also, like he understood the concern, I won’t snap, I’m not going to snap. Ultimately, he liked you to be in a permanent state of lingering fear. Weird! The whole thing was such a weird combination of qualities! One thing that should cancel out the other, but it didn’t, they co-existed inside him and it was so seesaw, so confusing, is he this? Or, is he that? Jekyll and Hyde.


You must remove your brain- or I will eat it!
Yes, so many crazy things inside one person.
I think the 1st or 2nd night I hung out with him I said, you are a force.
Eeeeew. What is that weird energy thing about??


I know, but I don’t know at all what it’s about. But, dang, do they have it. The other, unfortunately really appealing quality that this guy had was, he’d go straight to the centre of the issue, whatever it was. Like, bam. Bulls eye. And in so few words, three or four. It was so, so appealing. OMG. They are so yucky, and yet their very yuckiness gives them these qualities where they’re not impeded by normal emotional responses, or something. In some ways, things were terribly clear to him, because everything was really just like the ticking of an abacus, he’d just shuffle the beads one side to the other and present the “equation”. He seemed to cut through the noise. But then, his own garbage was so completely deranged, again, two opposing things, one revolting you and driving you mad, the other, I just wanted more of that. Sometimes, when I was with him and he was playing nice, the whole world just dropped away, all the worries, everything seemed small, he could make it small, in that way, I felt so protected when I was with him. Then, games again. It is heartbreaking shit. They do pull you in with something that appeals deeply to you, otherwise, we wouldn’t be there in the first place.


I commented to curls and surprized but I don’t see them. Oh well. Maybe it’s messed up on my end.



Have you read much on bi-polar disorder? Does it help to see a description of him? That’s what you’re describing (at least to me). It (he) certainly won’t be better or different with anyone without really good quality care, and even then in modern times, we don’t have great treatments for bi-polar. NAMI has a lot of good info on it.

Depression often isn’t evident or doesn’t show up that much in some bipolars, making it harder to spot. Sounds like he was self-medicating with drugs and alcholol and the messiah babble fits right in.




It wouldn’t surprise me if he could be diagnosed with bipolar. But, I also feel that there’s more to it. He’s very manipulative. However, yes, his mood swings were huge, a lot of grandiosity, Mr Untouchable, parading around. I don’t think it’s the whole story though.



Are you a psychiatric nurse, or other mental health professional?


Two opposing things, absolutely. My whole relationship was like investigation discovery. He was like, i’ve been your science project…
There were comments he had made about him being different, another time crazy.
He gave me a stomach ache, thought it was bad case of butterflies.
It sounds like all that appeal comes from them studying us reading us good- and playing up to just what we want and like….
Smooth and sick!


Mine coulda been bi polar too, all though he has a thing about making up stories of people having cancer and faking hospital visits. PL yes, but maybe even munchausen by proxy?
Just thinkin out loud. 🙂



I found your comment — let’s see if you find my reply :).

I’m finding that my comments sometimes don’t post at all. Other times, post but not where I can find them very easily (on another page or something). If they show up on the list on the left side, i’ve noticed, then they are in the main text somewhere on some page.

Bi-polar is a pretty fluid diagnosis with a broad sweep of possible thoughts, actions, behaviors.

Faking stuff could be within the realm of it, thought more so – definitely making up stories, and then believing their own stories. It’s like an alternate universe in their heads sometimes. They think of something, then think it must be true because they just said it. Then argue that YOU aren’t making sense because they KNOW this is true, and they need to deal with it (whatever it is)! Then distract them, and they’ll decide you aren’t making sense because you’re now talking about what they just were and why aren’t you keeping up with their “new” reality?

What I keep remembering is when studying in school, a long time ago so much has changed, but back then UK and US had the same combined rates of schizophrenic and bi-polar diagnoses. However, UK tended to diagnose one (I think schiz) at a much higher rate, and US tended to diagnose the other at a higher rate. In other words, it was fairly hard to tell them apart for an overlapping set of the cases. That told me that the symptoms can be quite a broad set that’s not nearly as clear cut as implied by the popular images of the conditions. Also from my direct experience, those with bi-polar admitted to a psych ward can be quite delusional or just “off” on basic standards for human interaction, until they get helped.

Maybe he had a bit of paronia about cancer or munchausen by proxy…


Yea made up the whole hospital story, then harrassed me for a week about not coming to see him and all the people who were there for him. Then argued with me for cutting him off about the wheelchair story, and the next day admitted he didn’t go to hospital. Whew.
Also told a story about his son commenting on the car lights, a car he didnt even have until after his son moved away.
Said his sis had cancer and blood in urine so I asked her questions- I was concerned, she had no answers. 6 months later she’s drunk and knocking on my door and he shoed her away. She doesn’t have cancer! BS.
Said his ex had cancer but didn’t know what she did to make it go away, this was when they were together!!!
Whew! I know how to pick em!!



Yep, that’s edges of delusional. That’s pretty bad, but it can get a lot worse from there for some, sadly. Whatever it is, it’s a mental health illness, not a mere choice by him. Needs to get himself some serious help. I mentioned NAMI organization. If you happen to need it sometime. (And some are mild enough that it’s not really an issue.)

Folks with that stuff are also often very charming and high energy, exciting, fun, warm, really very nice to be around and uplifting… except for the crazy-making factors that then pop up for the ones who are that symptomatic. And they often are able to look stable just long enough to make it hard to believe the crazy is really there at first.

So hopefully you’re radar picker is wiser now.

Knows to go in slowly enough for this stuff to show up before you’re feeling too connected.

Personally I won’t date an alchoholic nor a binge drinker. Not till they are solidly in recovery at least a year, and aren’t co-dependent with me (pushing/pulling on the connecting all the time.) Then again, I drink very rarely so it wouldn’t ever be a good match.


By “not a choice by him”, I mean that you can’t take personally or seriously any of the weird or mean things he’s said to you (and they tend to get to core spots really well)… or the way it ended and how he tried to handle it. Dysfunctional is dsyfunctional, and not personal. Of course it’s much easier said than done by a long shot.


Yep. Sounds about right. Delusional. Everything else you said too. Very chatming, nice, warm, fun, etc etc…don’t know the crazy is there, at first.
He won’t ever get fixed. He has no conscience.
Thank you for that reply! Going to look up NAMI


Thanks, that looks like a great site!
More stuff for me to research!



…”more to it”… sounds like a complicated mess.

On the bi-polar, from your note, the things that got my attention were —

– You thinking “geninus” – that’s typical of the reaction they invoke.
– The inner tension about to blow, high energy. (That usually feels like it’s about to spin you into circles until your own brains fall out.)
– the seesawing. And repeating complete nonsense like it was true, over and over no matter what you say.

The need to keep a lingering state of fear, isn’t related though. That’s a weird one.

Sounds like it would feel good to be out of it…



“He won’t ever get fixed.”


“He has no conscience.”

My experiences have been a little different — the bi-polars I’ve interacted with largely did; but then it’d get buried under the other stuff. That was part of the confusion. They geniunely cared, but it’d disappear for pockets of time, so it’d take longer to figure out and deal with.

A person with a conscience, once grounded again (even if it’s briefly), feels badly for what they’ve put you through and looks for ways to get help and fix it. Sounds like you didn’t have one of those around.


Yea, he doesn’t seem to have a conscience, and gets violent sometimes, then act like nothing happened, and turns things around and 100% victim.Can bipolars have Antisocial personality disorder?
He seemed borderline too.
Oh well. I’m just fixing myself nowadays.
It says most socio-psychos aren’t treatable, but I know some bi polar folks. Ughh there are too many disorders. 🙂



“gets violent sometimes, then act like nothing happened, and turns things around and 100% victim”

That’s bi-polar. Can be other things instead alternatively, or can be pure bi-polar.

If you had a sense of borderline, then it was probably there too.

Whatever thing or combo this is — it’s not fixable. Not by you. And generally mental health field isn’t very good at fixing these kinds of things, even for people who want to improve. Bi-polar can get some help in those already really trying hard (and it is HARD work), but mix in most anything else like borderline, and it’s becomes even more unlikely.


@Surprised: that is the perfect wording. They put you in a fog. Perfect wording! They constantly disagree, or they go on stupid long monologs about nothing. Lecturing about e.i. what not to put down the drain (causing drain clogs) Just constant lectures about nothing. So our head is so full of blah, blah, blah. And, then he can pull another fast one. And, he charges me for a job, and then runs off with the money, saying it was a consultation fee.



There’s a website called “out of the fog” about relationships with “crazy-makers”. He would talk and talk and talk, yes. He’d talk, drop things by the rubbish bin instead of in it, repeatedly, then say, what? like he hadn’t done it, he’d leave razors on the shower floor, right in the middle, drop the towels on the floor, he could always find a way to continue to mess with you. Every time I spotted one thing, he’d just come up with another. Was endless. And completely intentional. You just end up running around after them. Yup, lectures about nothing, and always knowing how to do a better job – cut the broccoli better, cook the food better. Sex was a way to shut him up. How tragic is that??! He had a very volatile side – this is a person who was arrested for MURDER, but who didn’t actually do it. However, his personality is such that the cops thought it entirely likely that he would have. He was also obsessed with rape. The amount of times I had to yell at him to shut up, pleeeeze, when he’d start going on a rant about all the poor women being raped – it was just weird. Like, are you into this, or what? So you avidly consume porn, but have an unusually expressive concern about sexual assault? How does all this work, exactly? So many qualities in one person. Too much.



Your comment isn’t showing with a reply button, so I’ll post here.

Nope, not a professional. Have bi-polar in the family tree, a degree in psychology, and kept up with the research for years. Did a career in a totally different direction. Spent time on a hospital psych ward volunteering, & volunteered at a battered women’s shelter for while.

I’m much less familar with other stuff like borderline personality disorder (wasn’t a diagnosis when I was in school.) I think I’ve met a couple as potential friends, but within weeks, got them out of my life and it took a few months to recover — and decide I wasn’t the nutty one. So still very baffled by that kind of thing.

I’m on the site for personal reasons. My situation is so very different, that I realized if I posted on the internet, it might be very recognizable to anyone happening by who happens to know me and about it. So I’m trying to figure out what to do. Really would love to get feedback from folks here. I had posted a bit of it when I first got here, but didn’t get any response. I seem to be gaining something by reading along, so I’m doing that.

I’d happened to read that particular comment of yours and get struck by the line after line describing bi-polar stuff. Everything except that last line about keeping a level of fear up. I haven’t seen much mentioned of bi-polar on the site, (and seen descriptions that looked like they including elements of it) so I thought I’d mention it as a possiblity.

What you described in the post this morning though with razors, and manipulation to trip you up, isn’t familar to me from bi-polar. Obsessed with (being against) rape, and with(using) porn, and violent. That’s a lot to take in.

What you said, just made me think of something I’d read on a site a few months ago written by a pediophile saying how to recognize one — that it will be the person hanging around your kids who says louded and strongly “how wrong pedophilia is and how those people ought to be killed.”

Hope you are feeling better from dealing with it all.


Hi Curls and Surpr,
Just chiming in, lol, mine had a thing with the response to some sexual comments that “I have a daughter”! and that’s degrading (reference to a s


(in reference toa sexual act), then…ends up doing such thing! Porn addict, also on complimenting a modeling ish photo- saying again, I have a daughter, wouldn’t just give a compliment…..


Yes, I get that thing about worrying about being recognised. If anyone read all of my posts at once, and knew where I was, and had hung around the same area, it wouldn’t be hard for them to say, I think she’s talking about xyz…But I think, in my case, because this site is so active and the posts roll over a lot, it’s pretty highly unlikely that there’s anyone out there who has developed such an intense interest! I did contact Donna at one stage with the details of “my story”. I didn’t want it posted for the same reason, but it helped enormously just knowing that someone who understood had read it. Then I posted something else after a while. Whatever your situation is, I hope you have someone you can talk to about the details, if that’s something that helps you.


How do you tell your story on here?


Send an email query to Donna, the owner of this site. The contact info tab is at the top.


Wow…I can relate to your story, it’s like they are all the same. Sob story sob story victim victim. This is the third story I heard of them never filing taxes! Why do they all never do that? Mine too!!! So crazy. Lied about why his ex left and took the kids…. I wanted to report him to Irs too, but he may figure out it was me.
Good luck in your healing, there is tremendous support here!!!


Hi, thank you so much for your kind words. If he figures me out he will have to deal with it, because I have naked pictures of him and I will give them to his wife. I bet I’m not the only one who does, he lives on porn sites and I’m pretty sure that he lives on dating sites. I’m not one bit afraid of him. In fact, many times we fought because he asked me for naked pictures of myself and I never gave into this, even to the day prior to the discard. He told me that I was stubborn and would never bend. I blatantly told him that I was put on this earth to challenge him like no one else probably had. I know healing is not linear and just today after several good days I cried. I thank God that I was able to see who he truly was before going back to him as this was his plan.


If he thinks he can still use you he probably would try. They have no conscience.
Yep, live on porn sites that too.
I can’t challenge mine, he turns it around and plays the victim for me leaving him.
If he has anything on you he could use it and turn it around on you, but it doesn’t sound like he has stuff on you. Good for you!
Taking our innocence sucks! I lost weight too-already a small person. Hang in there. You aren’t contacting him so that’s good. Keep No contact. And watch for him incase he returns.


Thank you for sharing that poem…

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.


Do they come back even when unmasked? The fact that he stole my innocence is what hurts the most. I was conned by a man who told me that he cared deeply for me, but little did I know that I was targeted. This man posted pictures of himself in military uniform which on FB. In these pictures he looks good. However, when I met him he looked bad. He looked like he aged several years. His teeth were really bad, because he smoked and he looked unkempt. I was taken aback by his look, but felt so bad for this man, because prior to meeting he told me these sob stories of how is ex wife took his daughters, and how he lives with a woman who takes his retirement check, but he does not have a relationship with her and her family just takes advantage of him. These are all red flags, but I chose to ignore them. He cried like a baby and it broke my heart. He told me that he did not have money for his car payment, so I loan him the money, another red flag. He was in the hospital and was not getting paid. Once again, I wired him money. The most despicable act was when I gave him money to make reservations for us to an event and he stole it, but yet denied it. In my heart I knew he stole it, but could not prove it. Many times including this one I tried to leave, but he manage to bring me back with the pity ploy. Never in my life had I heard of knew anything about sociopaths or psychopaths. However, 10 months later after once again helping him financially we got into an argument, because I confronted him about a picture of him and his wife, (the one he was not with nor had any relationship with). They were pretty close and she had her hand around his waste. I was sick to my stomach and confronted him. Mind you, for all these months he stated that I was too stubborn and I did not trust anyone. I never told him that I loved him, because he never told me. This helped me never to fall in love with him. However, I am such a compassionate person and still felt sorry for him. I felt that I could help him see that life is indeed beautiful and I would help him get out of the black cloud that he was under for so many years. Little did I know that his black cloud was the result of being a sociopath/psychopath. I had confronted him on many occasions about things that I did not feel were right. However, I had a gut feeling, but could never prove anything including the stealing of the money. He told me that he had it and a few weeks later told me that his battery died, so he asked permission to use the money. No actually, he had stole it the first time. This was just a ploy to make me believe that he was honest and cared for me. I tried to leave at least 9 times and but he lured me in each time. I was truly a mess and I am a well-balanced person. When I confronted him about the picture, he discarded me. Telling me that it was better this way and that I had made him feel like no one had ever made him feel in 15 years. He stated that our souls will forever be connected in this life and the afterlife. I fired back another letter telling him that he was callous and that he had never deserved me in the first place. I went into details of how he yelled at me and how he never did anything to deserve me. That now I understood why he lost his beautiful daughters and that I was too good for him and he will never find another woman as good as me. Also, that he had duped me with fake pictures, because he did not look the way he did in real life. I was extremely upset and wanted to hurt him. I told him never to talk, contact nor stand near me if we ever saw each other. Upon researching behaviors of this sort, I became aware that he was a psychopath. I was floored, hurt and disgusted at myself. I could not believe that people of this kind exist. For days I cried. I lost a lot of weight and I am pretty small. I went down to a size 0. I was embarrassed and could not talk to anyone, being that I was dealing with a married man. I read and read and it became clear that I was targeted, because of my status. I feel that he targeted another supply from the group, but she saw through him. He hoovered by posting yet another picture of himself again in uniform. I guess to get me back, but it only disgusted me and now I understand that the letter was to keep the doors open for me to come back too, (word salad). However, on the year of our 1 year anniversary I posted a public article about the psychopaths who target women, and the maggots that they are. How they idealize, devalue and discard their victims. And how the victim is discarded, because of how strong she is, because she was able to unmask him. In addition, how the discard is a blessing in disguise, because now she is out of the dark fog. No matter how much I wrote so he can see my posting regarding psychopaths, I did not feel better. For days and nights I cried and hurt. Not because I was in love, but because I was kind to someone who took my innocence. I recall that he told me that he never paid taxes and recalled how he told me the year prior he had a successful business. I turned him in to IRS and felt good doing it. I am now in therapy and still cry, but I am getting better. I know he saw my post and knows that I know who he is now. I want everything bad to happen to him. Including going to jail for tax evasion. I hate this man with a passion and now understand why his wife left him and married a good man who adopted his two beautiful daughters as his own and he was neither of them want anything to do with him. This man has absolutely no friends, and now I know why. He is a sick being who deserves no compassion from me or anyone.


I am so angry at myself for allowing someone to treat me like this. Especially that he is a bum who has nothing, no looks, personality, money, nor friends. This should have been my warning, but I did not know what a psychopath was until now. I have friends, I’m a veteran, traveled the world, according to others I am very pretty, financially well off, several degrees, own business currently completing my doctorate and a book. I have no children, and look extremely young for my age. I was always happy until this happened. I am trying to get that back, because no way I will let him take my kindness, compassion and the way I viewed the world from me. He will not win! I have many, many friends and someone who is extremely good looking, giving, kind, well off and has loved me for 30 years, but I fell for this basket case, because I felt sorry for him. As per his pity ploy everyone has done him wrong and he has such a bad life. Now, I know why. He looks vile and is. Geez, where was my brain then? Why did it choose to work now? I feel like Rumplestiltskin, asleep for a 100 years. I wasn’t even attracted to him, in fact I felt repulsed, but I looked past that. I am now writing my dissertation on psychopaths in leadership. I’m not satisfied till I see him in jail. I am following up with IRS to make sure that case is processed. Another satisfaction that I have is that his home goes into foreclosure next year. He doesn’t have the money to pay. The more he suffers the better I feel. Call me vindictive, but I am full of compassion for anyone and on the extreme spectrum I am vindictive especially with bullies. However, I do my revenge lawfully. I always fought him back and he knew that I was strong, but he chose to use me. I’m not mad that he did not love me. He has that right. I love myself for both of us and that’s enough. I have an adoring person who adores me and so does my family. I don’t need him to complete me. However, I detest a bully and a man that uses a woman is despicable. I told him this once and he chose to ignore it, so now I will make sure that IRS makes his life miserable. I only lost less than $1000, but the money for the lesson was worth every cent. I opened my eyes as soon as he discarded me and even stopped the last wire transfer. He went to pick it up and it wasn’t there. Tee,hee….


Equanimity…love your strong determined post!! It says:


it’s not “revenge” or getting even what you are doing instead you are exposing him to future victims. Bravo for finding your internal strength to do so.

(ps LOVE your screen name!!)


Thank you Jan 7. I love your name too, that’s my sister’s birthday. I think about the movie Maleleficent, where he pretended to love her and cut off her wings. That’s exactly how we all must feel. I know I do. She got revenge from him. I recall watching this movie and could not get it out of my mind that he cut off her wings. This was the time I was with the monster. Her cries were heart wrenching and when I found out what he did to me I cried just like her. I have never cried so hard in my life. However, I vowed that I would follow him for the rest of my life to make sure that I get the pleasure of watching his demise. He cut my wings, but little did he know that I grew a second pair, bigger and better because he taught me what evil looks like. I will continue to help those who need, because this is what I do. I will continue to rescue animals, I will continue working with children and I will strive to be happy, but I will be on a mission to get make sure that his life is full of misery. Again, the legal way. When you commit fraud you create your own demise.


Hey oh wow, ewww you just reminded me how me and my socio went to the movies to see Malificent last summer on my birthday! I liked that movie, I so didn’t know what he was at that time yet, but there was something he was doing to me during the movie that I thought….ummm, are we in high school? How immature. I filed it away of course.


Lol, sorry you just made me laugh. Uggggh is right! They are immature. The sociopath use to flex muscles he does not have, lol. I guess is because they look at themselves in the mirror and see themselves as superior. They see Hercules and they are idiots with inflated egos and nothing going on for them. If we can see them and picture them for who they truly are we detest them. Picturing him in my mind for what he truly is really helped me move pass the infatuation that he tried to instill in me. I now detest the maggot. It really works.


Equanitmity, I always felt like my ex h put a bird cage over my head and I was locked into his brain washing because of it. So your discussion about clipping the wings is very poetic and the combo is really what he did to me….

he put a bird cage over my head to control my mind & clipped my wings so I could not fly away.

Took me 12 years of hell to leave him for good. I wrote on another post to someone who is new to LF that the crying that I experienced was unbelievable…when I thought literally my body could not produce another tear I would start crying uncontrollably for hours…so interesting how the body & mind deals with the pain once the brain washing lifts and you can see the hell you are living in.

You have a strong heart & YES your wings are stronger then ever!! I can read in your post that you are a good kind hearted person. Good things are coming your way and bad things will surround both of our ex’s because they do create their own demise.

Thank you for your post


I am so so sorry Jan 7th that you went through 12 years of this. I was lucky, because mine was 9 months and once he discarded me I looked for answers and found them immediately. The compassion turned to hatred. It is my compassion that hurts for you. How I wish that I could take away your pain and the pain of each and everyone that has gone through this. It is the most horrible pain that anyone can feel. I know that sending you a hug will not cure your pain. I am sending you a poem that I live by. You are beautiful, kind and loving. Don’t let this creep take that away from you. Strive to be happy… I will pray for you and keep you near my heart.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

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