UPDATED FOR 2022. One of the hardest parts of ending a romantic involvement with a psychopath is accepting the fact that to the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing.
In the beginning, when the psychopath pursued you, showered you with attention and affection, called and texted all day long — it was just seduction.
When the psychopath proclaimed undying love, declared that you were the best thing to ever happen to him or her, pushed the relationship along while painting a glistening image of the future — it was all to hook you before you escaped.
When the rough patches came and you were ready to walk away, and the psychopath pleaded, cajoled, promised to change or even threatened to commit suicide if you left — it was all to maintain control over you. The psychopath wasn’t finished with you yet.
Then, when you finally decided there would be no more chances, the relationship was completely and irreparably over, and the psychopath went after the money, property and kids with a vengeance — well, that’s because the psychopath’s only real goals in life are power, control and winning.
Profoundly different
So how do you deal with this? How do you accept that all the professions of love were lies, and all the promises were worthless?
What’s necessary is to come to terms with the fact that psychopaths are fundamentally and profoundly different from the rest of us.
Read more: How long does it take to recover from a sociopath
They are empty suits. Aliens. Cardboard cutouts. Use whatever analogy helps you understand that psychopaths are missing the traits and qualities that make the rest of us human.
They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. If they appear to show these emotions, they are acting.
They do not have the ability to love. They do not truly care about anyone else’s happiness and well-being. If they do things that seem to be supportive, it’s because the actions further their agenda.
You will never be able to understand how they think and why they do what they do. You just need to accept that they are what they are.
What was real?
By this point, you’re probably wondering, what was real?
YOU were real. Your love, caring and trust were authentic. You did your part, in fact, you did far more than your part — no matter what the psychopath says.
You opened your heart, which is something the psychopath never did, and is incapable of doing. Unfortunately, you were deceived by someone who took advantage of your good nature and your love.
Learn more: Why it’s so hard to get over a sociopath and how you can recover
You have a heart. The psychopath does not. To the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing.
This article was originally posted on Lovefraud on April 6, 2015.
6 really bad reasons for staying with the sociopath
To add a bit to what Donna said when she wrote “YOU were real. Your love, caring and trust were authentic” – in spite of the horrific ending and realization that only one of us (me) was really in the relationship I thought we were in, I’ll always have the memories/know the feelings of what things felt like to me *at the time* throughout the 10+ years.
I know that may sound odd to some of you/us (why would I want to remember that which was not real?) but the point is, at the time, before I figured it all out, the feelings/love/trust I felt were real to me and that can never be taken away.
lifeisgood2013, I feel the same way about my situation. I was only with my spath for 3 years, but we had a child during that time and part of those memories for me are memories of us as a family that I cherish for both me and my child. I can not control what my spath does or feels anymore than I can control what any other person feels, but I know what I felt at the time and that is my truth and reality. I loved, I fought for our family, I hurt, I was scared, I felt joy. I felt those things and I experienced those things, and nobody can take those away from me.
I believe I was involved with a psychopath from last August. Here is what happened:
1. This guy is my colleague. During my second and third year in my workplace, we talked as colleagues almost once a week during semesters when we both took our child to the same extra-curriculum activity. Our topic revolved around how to parent children. He had a wife. I was a single mom. He appeared very nice, patient, agreeable and trustworthy. He was tenured and I wasn’t. He was in his early fifties and I was in my late thirties and early forties. 　
2. During the fourth year, my job was in danger. When he asked how I was doing at the extra-curriculum activity, I told him about it. He offered to help me write a response letter, but I didn’t accepted because my department chair already helped me on that. He then cautioned me not to appear angry in the letter.
3. Last August, I had a designated professional relationship with him. Of course he supervised me. In our first one-one-one meeting, he told me he drove to a city that is 1.5 hours away from our town every T and Th the first few semester when he got a job at our school. He also made a phone call to his daughter and asked if her mom was at home.
4. He invited me for a coffee on campus and I agreed. I was intentionally late. When we met, he patted me and there was a sparkle in his eyes, which scared me because he had been very respectful to women faculty. He did the same thing when we parted.
5. He texted me that he looked forward to seeing me again after the coffee. I replied three days later, apologizing for being late and emphasizing that “I was busy over the weekends.”
6. I needed his advice. During our meeting, he said one or two of his students were hard to please, “didn’t do this; didn’t do that,” even though he was with them 24 hours.
7. An issue at work was resolved because of his help. He wrote to me that I could talk to him whenever I had a chance. I replied I would see him four days later during his office hours. He replied back asking if I would attend a meeting in the afternoon. I went. During the meeting, he said “some students took some courses. When they considered studying abroad, they wanted to go to China.” ”“ I am from China. And then he said “When International Studies program was designed, I was not there.” He emphasized “I was not there” and continued “I was told that International Studies program was designed with American students in mind.” ”“ He is from Africa. We didn’t talk in the spring of 2014 because the extra-curriculum activity stopped due to lack of funding. I was about to leave. His phone rang. When I got out of the classroom, he got out as well. I heard he spoke to the phone “Everything was locked down? ” Thanks.”
8. I was scared because what he said seemed to allude to something: he liked me after years of marriage; he wanted to have children with me, which was not surprising because our talk at the extra-curriculum activity revolved around parenting; he was either divorced or separated during the spring of 2014. I recalled I ran into him in the morning of a thankgiving with a good-looking girl; I recalled our professional relationship was not confirmed until he and I sat together at the faculty meeting by his invite. Then I recalled last Sep. it seemed that his daughter mentioned “my dad and mom were separated” when she came for the activity. Also, I realized why I got help when my job was in danger: he informed his friend who was in the position to help me of my trouble. The reason I made the conclusion is that they are both from Africa and they are friends. I thought about how his friend knew about my case. I thought about everyone I talked to about my trouble but it didn’t even cross my mind that it could be him. I also recalled during the semester when I was in trouble, he asked me to drive her daughter back home. Also, one day he was late to pick up his daughter and I was waiting until he came.
9. I thought he had been in love with me for years; he risked everything in his life for me; he was ready to be with me. I went to his office, dropping him off a note “Spend time with them; they are your blood; Get involved. Treat her fairly.” He thanked me. I also mentioned “I am waiting for your phone call.” He said 7 students didn’t get their exams due to their absence. He wanted me not to move to the nearby city.
10. He texted me that he wanted to meet me as my mentor after our meeting. I blocked his number for three days and then texted him my availability. He replied “I am looking forward to seeing you. Will reply to you soon about my schedule.” He didn’t for two days. I felt I was inundated by his unconditional love so I texted him “I am willing to surrender. If you accept it, give me your personal email address. If not, let us pretend nothing happened.” He gave me his personal email address and wrote “I look forward to hearing more about external reviewers.”
11. We had the first date at a coffee shop away from our campus last Dec. He said he had positive experiences throughout his life; he was going to interview a woman for a job for the next semester.
12. The second day after our first date, he texted me that he would rather to keep professional relationship with me. I was confused.
13. I went to his friend to ask if it was he who informed him of my trouble; his friend confirmed. His friend also mentioned the President knew about my case, which for me meant he went to the President to protect me. I worked with his friend to help him for a high position in school. His friend asked me to contact him quite a few time but I didn’t.
14. He dropped me an email “I am looking forward to speaking with you soon” before the winter vocation began. I didn’t contact him for the whole winter holidays.
15. I wrote to him “I am ready to talk if you still want to” after the spring semester began. He kept postponing our meeting time. I invited him for a meeting again because I didn’t want to “regret for the rest of my life.” He waited for a day to reply “What do you want from me? Why don’t you just tell me your expectations on me?”
16. I sent him an email admitting “I have been missing you so much so I know I love you.” He texted me that “I really want to help you succeed in our school”…I would rather keep professional relationship with you. Is it Ok? —I will continue to look out for your interests like I have done in the past.” I bombarded him my feelings for him. He was silent.
17. We needed to meet for business. He emailed me one day before our scheduled meeting date “I have emergencies at home. We have a plumbing problem”Additionally, I booked an appointment with a cable company”Let us make sure we are in the same page: we are going to talk about business, nothing else.” I replied “Makes perfect sense.”
18. He called to postpone the meeting again. “The plumbing problem can’t be solved within one hour. How about we meet at 2, 4, 5pm?” I have only one child; the time he proposed didn’t suit to me even though I had already told him so before he proposed.
19. We met one day before the Valentine’s day. Before he came, he texted me that “I am on my way to grounds for change.” Ground for change is a student-run coffee shop on campus. He said he would be busy on the Valentine’s day for preparing a trip to Africa; his department chair told a woman faculty in his department that she needed to do research and teaching better but the woman sued for sexual harassment; tenure would protect his department chair; there would be policy maker in his conference for “you employment;” his topic would be young people in Africa because they “have nothing to lose;” he told me our next Provost would be a woman; our current Provost “hates men;” he was going to proofread his book which would come out in May. He seemed crying at one point. When we walked back, he obstructed me from leaving him. He even took out handkerchief since he seemed crying. Then he greeted a colleague.
20. In the evening of the Valentine’s day, I texted him “How are you doing?” He replied “busy”Happy Valentine’s day.” I thought we were in a relationship. Strangely sometimes he didn’t reply to my texts.
21. He went to Africa. When he came back, he wrote to me through campus email “I just got to the office after several hours of flight” and then he talked about business. I texted in the evening and we chatted for half an hour. And then he stopped to reply to my text for two days again. I texted him “When would you take me for dinner?” He replied “I have no interest other than professional relationship. Please communicate with me only through campus email only regarding official matters.” I was confused again. I texted “we should act maturely and responsibly.” He replied “if you don’t stop texting and harassing me, I will have no choice but to report you to the relevant office on campus. I have given your enough warning. I have exercised enough patience. Please do not text anymore. If I receive a text from you, I will bring it to the relevant officer.” His sudden changed persona shocked me.
22. I asked him wife and his wife said “we live in the same house.” I asked his 12-year-old daughter and she said her dad still lives with him. What she said last Sep was his parents had separate schedules. I went to the court and didn’t find his divorce file. I also found he had a bank complaint in 2011 for $6000 debt and it was dismissed in 2013. He was already tenured for 3 years in 2011 and he should make at least 90,000 to 100,000 at the time.
23. I didn’t contact him for more than a month. It turned out that our next Provost is a man who he made comments “soft” during the meeting before the Valentine’s day. He should have known who would be the next Provost earlier on since he is at a higher level in school. My interpretation was what he was saying during the meeting and when we walked back was “I am wrong. Don’t leave me.” He wanted me to take the initiative to contact him again by his gestures during our interaction, but the traces he left in written emphasized we only have professional relationship.
24. He married his wife when he was in Africa at about 30; had the first daughter when he found the first job and was about 37; had the second daughter when he found a tenure-track job and was about 42. His wife is 50; got a bachelor’s degree in Africa; didn’t pursue further study; seems to be pretty when she was young; wears the same coat throughout the whole winter; shoes are dirty; is not fit at all; says whatever she thinks, even though it would offend other people. When I met his friend and asked if he was divorced or separated, his friend said “very possible.”
25. The most appalling things: 1. He lied to his colleague and it is easy to find out in this small town; 2. He never thought about getting a divorce but he made brazen lies: he was divorced or separated; he bought a new house; 3. He completely disregards my wellbeing, who is a foreigner, single mom, junior faculty and helped him run for the next Provost. I even talked to the President about it.
26. I decided I will adopt “no contact” strategy, but I know it is difficult because it is a very small school. I am afraid if I sever school-designated-professional relationship, he would retaliate. I am afraid if I have to go to a meeting in which he is also present, he will manipulate me again.
Anyone can diagnose if he is a psychopath? Anyone can offer suggestions on how I can survive?
Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose psychopathy and they need background. The best you can do is stick with the No contact approach. If you do have to deal with him professionally it is best to keep it on that level. You know what he is doing. Don’t let yourself be manipuLated. Think about the cost if you did. I know it isn’t easy but unless you are will to find a new position and move it is all you can do. Do not let him play you. Be the strong woman you must be to be where you are. Find someone who will be honest and affectionate.
Thank you very much for your support. It is hard because we are in the same small school. I am willing to move but I have made good friends here so I am still deciding. Yes, I will remain a strong woman. And I won’t allow myself to be fooled next time. This is not the first time that I ran into a con man. It is the second time. Can you believe it? I kind of thought there must be something wrong with myself. I will always tell myself there are bad people out there. They think and act in a way that I can’t imagine. Don’t be taken advantage of by them. I have a kind heart but it doesn’t mean that I should be taken advantage of.
Summerspring
I posted this shorter after you posted your original post, but it seems to have never posted. So I don’t know if it’s still relevant. But here were my first thoughts:
Go no contact. There isn’t indication that he’ll be violent, but take basic safety precautions.
Go to whoever you need to and ask for a different professional setup. Then with him, act breezy, like it’s natural that something is different. Tell them you need to change because you what to try something else out. Or if that won’t work, that you feel like you’d be better off with a different setup. Don’t go into any details. Don’t bad mouth or imply anything negative in any way. That’s the kind of thing, that can come back to bite you with an oddball person without decent boundaries. Don’t talk to co-workers or students about him.
He could be unpredicatble about the change, but the less you “look” like anything matters to you, the better. He’ll move onto someone he can get a reaction out of.
Don’t contact him. For anything. This isn’t datable material. Nor a friend. He’s a weirdo, who’s early signals confused you, and now you know.
If he approaches you, find something neutral to say and repeat every time. “They changed the arrangements.” or “I wanted to work with so-and-so because they have suchandsuch expertise.” At worst case “I thought it best to create a purely professional relationship, if I switched people.”
YOU can judge and gage whether you need to stay in this a little bit while acting professional, then make the move away… or make it right away. Any which way, staying in a dangerous relationship to avoid danger, is only important when you’re gut tells you, you really can’t safely leave yet (and then you go to a safe house). Otherwise, it’s important to get out as soon as possible.
Don’t worry about looking foolish, being rash, or any other self-admonishment. You went through the effort of writing this all out, right? Your instincts have already now told you what you need and want to do. It’s a matter of how. People who respect others, will respect you and your instincts. Normal people do not have you wanting to write long lists of what’s happened between you…
Hope that helps. I (personally) wouldn’t care if he’s a psychopath or not. He’s already off the list of normal and safe. That’s enough to set up boundaries, protect yourself, and move on.
Thanks. Certainly I will not contact him and I will sever the professional relationship. The only thing is I will run into him during our meetings which I don’t want to happen. So I don’t know the institution could help me with this.
What I am fearful is mind control. This guy is very good at it and I was fooled before.
summerspring
“The only thing is I will run into him during our meetings ”
One option:
Go to the meetings early, but with tea or something in your hands. Then stand around as people pick seats and arrive, and pick your seat to be not close to him. I used to have weekly meetings I was in charge of, with one attendee who liked to touch my arm (a control move) and turn to me closely. I used to go early and put down my stuff kind of between chairs, then if two people sat with a space between, I moved into that space. Of if he came and sat, then I’d sit somewhere else. It’s a lot of work so just getting comfortable and simply ignoring him in your mind is better and easier.
He’s a meaningless person. He has so little integrity that he’s a nobody. Once you think of him that way (which is accurate), then treat him like the fly-spec, happenstance that he happens to be. It’s okay to be disgusted by him, and let that feeling sit there for you when you are around him. You just don’t want to say it outloud. Just figure that’s his problem. Meanwhile, even complete idiots can be professionally useful, so if he happens to have something to offer that way in the meeting — that’s fine to appreciate too :).
When you say mind control, can you give me an example? People here talk about that happening a lot, but I’m not sure what’s meant. I’ve probably experienced it. I know you’re writing about your problem, but I think it would help me for myself to understand this kind of thing better.
Very good chance that once you let this go in you mind and don’t worry about it, it will fade away and really look like nothing much to worry about. Just an immature idiot you happened to meet in life.
C
Hi Summerspring, I hear your angst, pain & confusion in your post about this man. I want you to know that it is not so important to figure out that he is a sociopath/psychopath or not. What is important is the fact that you went online to search his bazaar & lying behavior which lead you to Lovefraud. YOU know in your gut he is not a good guy, you know in your gut that you have to follow the no contact rule. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT ABOUT THIS MAN!!
YOUR gut will NEVER steer you in the wrong direction!!
Something clearly is not right in the mind with this man if you choose to do search in the first place.
Somethings that stand out in your post:
he is married yet chatting you up and other woman (not a good husband)
he is married now maybe separated living with his wife still and pursing other woman. This right here is a RED FLAG that he is not ending his relationship with his wife and then start to date. Is he manipulating his wife to stay in their home? why is she not leaving him? is he lying to her to keep her around? does she even know she is now “separated? He maybe lying to all parties involved including his own wife so that he can cheat on his wife.
Either way he is not in a position to really date. You do not want to get involved in his messy life what so ever as it will just bring chaos & dysfunction into your life. He is living with his wife yet dating other woman? HE SOUNDS LIKE A PLAYER…a con man who loves to cheat on his wife. What better a place to find woman then at a university.
He “lies” to his colleagues. YOU dont want to be around a liar!!
“He bought a new house”…that means he is NOT separated from his wife it seems they are very much a married couple…if you are not getting a divorce = you buy a house, if you are getting a divorce = you dont buy a new house.
I would highly suggest you follow the NO CONTACT RULE with this guy asap. I would also highly recommend that you call your local abuse center and go for free counseling and free woman group meetings. BOTH will help you sort out that this guy is manipulative & a liar. You can call the National domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) to talk with a free counselor and to get your local abuse center numbers. Reach out for help hon, you are not alone there is a free counselor just a phone call away.
Find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse the local abuse center might have a outside recommendation.
Be careful who you share your story with at work, it’s best to keep work talk about work only and personal talk with a trusted friend that is not part of your job.
Dont let this guy hurt your career at this college. AVOID HIM at all cost, block his phone number and email address. Follow the NO contact rule.
read Lovefraud by Donna Anderson (the book is up at the top of the site under “book store”.
Keep coming here and venting and read everything plus watch the videos at the top of this site under the video section.
Wishing you all the best.
ps It is not surprising you have “run into” another con man. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths on this planet. YES!!! 1 in 25 people. that means every classroom that has 25 people there is one sociopath!! Scary world we live in!!
1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist personality disordered.
Books to read:
Lovefraud by Donna Anderson
The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker (Google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut)
The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout (this book you can listen to on you tube for free ~ I highly recommend that you do as it will give you an insight into the evil people of this world.
Also check your university library for books on Narcissist & sociopaths.
Jan
Is it 1 in 25 were determined to be psychopaths… or determined to have psychopathic tendencies?
I thought it was the later from the research, but I don’t have the link bookmarked to check it.
Just curious.
Mind control:
1 He said a woman faculty had doubts on his character later changed her opinion. What happened next was he texted me that he would rather maintain professional, which made me wary of his integrity and one month later, I forgave him because he kept asking his friend sending me the signal to contact him.
2 He said his department chair talked to a woman faculty about research and teaching and the woman faculty sued sexual harassment. I am about to talk to the administration about what he did to me.
He seems to be able to look ahead several steps
I know what I am feeling now. After confusion, verification, I feel betrayed. I trusted him as a friend from the beginning. I feel shamed because I was fooled although I know it is not easy not to be duped. I feel unsafe, because he is unpredictable, no principle and I am not sure what he will do next to retaliate me for my severing professional relationship with him.
Summerspring, please keep in mind sociopaths are expert at manipulating people with their words and turning the table on the true victim (you). Sociopaths have been playing manipulative games their whole life. They can turn the table to make the true victim look “crazy” or “the problem” not the actual sociopath. This guy if he is a narcissist or sociopath will manipulate the administration with his words (or at least try)
Talking to a advocate at your local domestic abuse center or an employee lawyer who has a very good understanding of a sociopaths behavior might be best. Be selective who you trust as this is your career. Many victims of a sociopath at work end up loosing their jobs trying to point out that there is a sociopath among them.
Remember the administrators and HR departments dont want any future law suites from anyone that as issues with this sociopaths so the school is going to protect themselves first.
So make sure you protect yourself by documenting everything in a journal with dates/times/who you talked with/what was said on both ends and talking to people who can guide you in the best direction.
Summerspring, I can tell you that my counselor said that only professionals can diagnose a psychopath/sociopath but in the back of my mind, I am thinking that I can act according to the character’s personality. If he lies, he is not a good character. I have to deal with the bad character in my life. The counselor suggested that I be polite but distant. -no fuzzy, huggy behavior from me This needn’t have happened to any of us. I wish you well!
Thank you for this article. This is just how I was feeling yesterday- thiking about how the whole thing was fake. I guess it just takes a bit of time to process and recover.
It’s like they say, no closure and unanswered questions is what remains with these breakups.
They are mind-boggling idividuals.
I just need to think of it as- they are sick. Sick. Sick.
Thank you Donna and all of the supporters here.
Donna, this is such a good reminder and something that actually crossed my mind when I ran into my ex spath the other day at church. He has been persistent at making everyone uncomfortable there (not exaggerating) for the last 2 years that we have been divorced. Anyway, this time I was in the kitchen by myself getting some coffee. I saw someone out of the corner of my eye having NO idea it was him and before I knew it I had said, “Hello”!!!! (ACK!!!) After that I pretended I had meant to and followed up with how are you and then he answered with bla bla bla how the Lord is SO good to him bla bla bla and I stirred my coffee hurriedly and left. My heart was beating very fast but I was ok. I ended up being glad I had accidentally said hello instead of shrinking back and acting like it make me uncomfortable. This was only the second time I had faced him without being about to avoid conversation. The first time he had insulted me after a play I had been in that he of course attended. Anyway, your advice makes me think. I KNOW I did my best to love him. I KNOW that I was in love with who I thought he was and then who I wanted him to be. That IS good. That is something I will try to hold on to. There is nothing wrong with trust, love and kindness, And that’s what I had for him. It is weird as I have no feelings for who I know he is now. I love who I thought he was. And there really truly is nothing wrong with that. I didn’t make the same mistake again. I now have a REAL man who loves me and who is genuinely kind, loving and trustworthy. I love him too but it’s genuine, not make-believe.
You make a very good point, Linette. I think every day about the ex-path who jumped into my life and roped me right in but didn’t give a whit about me. As you said, “It is weird as I have no feelings for who I know he is now. I love who I thought he was. And there really truly is nothing wrong with that.”
You nailed it and it’s true for me as well. I’ll admit, I made excuses for his inconsistent, puzzling behavior that left me feeling confused and lonely at times. But today, I realize completely that the person I thought he was was an actual *person*. He is not a person. Any human qualities, as Donna stated, any compassion or caring he showed was for his own personal gain.
I’m very glad you have a guy in your with whom love is genuine and a two-way street!!
Apparently my older sister is telepathic. Over the past year or so I have read enough to realize enough. About her specifically. That she fits all the profiles on spaths that I have read. And she seems to know telepathically that I have figured her out.
She literally has disappeared (not physically at all) but into a form of retreat that I receive telepathically. She knows that I know.
And her power over me has been greatly diminished and I am no longer afraid of her. We usually fear the unknown…now I ‘know’.
And she knows it too.
The guy really promised me nothing. He just happened to come into my life at the same time I moved out of that broken trailer, and moved into the next trailer that was only a little better. I was so traumatized by living in that broken trailer with my little boy. He mentioned he does home repairs, and my mind told me stories that he will help me with home repair. I asked for a barter for computer for home repair. He called the next day with that suave voice saying he wants the computer. But, the home repairs? He said yeah, yeah, never really agreeing to anything. Years later after I was out of money, and the repairs were never done. His bills were paid, he had food in his fridge, and I was out of money, I was stretched to pay my bills, and my rubber roof was attached by three screws, and roof still blowing in the wind.
His attempt to get me back was to yell: still need your house fixed?
He again didn’t say he would fix it. He was just inquiring if I needed my house fixed.
I think it finally bit him in the butt. He is behind on property taxes since 2011.
Hi all,
Have not written here for a long time. I’m looking back in hindsight (a great thing) and maybe it’s just me..I’m ‘sensitive’ and found it impossible to date again after the psychopath…I’m 55 now and living very happily alone, with a great job and I value my peace above al but here’s the thing…
does anyone experience ALL the memories of sharing your love, sexuality, precious time with a psychopath as traumatic flashback associated with PTSD? it wasn’t just rape of body, but mind and spirit over time as well making it a traumatic extended period of time?
I experienced every memory as painful flashback (almost unbearable) for the last while and elements continue to flash and I’m dealing with not only one bad experience but even the good ones with him were lies and so nearly worse than the bad. These flashbacks are healing in nature as they gently offer the ‘truth’ leaving me exposed as prey, which I’m dealing with by practicing acceptance and compassion for myself as I try to handle the extent of the damage.There was nothing I could do and I’m still owning that.
Question is. Extended longterm exposure to a psychopath in which we have shared our love, our being our ‘everything’ with is experienced as traumatic after the mask drops, leaving us in PTSD condition? has everyone experienced this or is this just me taking it particularly badly?
Thank you, and I’m aiming to catch up on here again as this PTSD is preventing me from trusting again
Bulletproof – It’s good to “see” you again. I think the flashbacks are just the next stage of your recovery. Sometimes our psyche protects us by “forgetting” or “going numb,” until we are ready to deal with more of the devastation that we experienced. Practicing acceptance and compassion for yourself is perfect. As you release more of the trauma, and replace that negative energy with joyful energy, you may even be able to trust again.
I’d like to address the physical effects of being with an Spath, too. I think I also have PTSD from my experiences. I find myself “dehiscing” a lot (DEF: dehiscence – to split along a natural line; also, to discharge contents by so splitting). I find that in bed at night, my body shakes suddenly and intensely, as if to discharge the emotional trauma that was absorbed into my body while I was with my Spath. And, post relationship, that absorbed stress is all coming back out now when I try to sleep. It feels like, when I’m almost asleep and feeling secure and relaxed, my subconscious mind feels safe enough to relax and then my body shoots out the long-held anxiety. It comes out as an intense shake or a sudden awakening with anxiety (I also have insomnia). Intuitively, it feels like my body is trying to get rid of the tortured feelings that have been stored up in my body from when I was trying to survive in the relationship. It’s like my body is trying to heel itself, to recover. This has been going on since about 2003. Exercise, eating right, massages and my faith help.
“heal” not “heel”! lol
Donna,
Thanks, it’s reassuring. It is great to have Lovefraud to return to for understanding and clarity. Here I feel people KNOW the head wreckage we have been through. It’s amazing the capacity if the mind to unravel it all and attempt to get back some trust.
Kathleen Hawks article on trust, talks about childish trust and magical thinking vs adult trust that is based on conditions – conditions of trust. At any time these conditions are broken, we can ‘work’ out that something is wrong.
Sometimes I think about him finding someone else and treating her like a person. I think, he’ll find her and it’s just me that he hated, he’ll treat her like gold. Torture, torture. Then I read this and I think, yes, but, do you really think he will love another person for who she is? And the answer is, only if she is exactly the perfect representation of his whole ideal woman. Then I take it further and think, do you really think that he’ll just stop all of his other behaviours, because he’s in love? He’ll stop staring at 14 year olds? He’ll stop going to those porn viewing booths? He’ll stop going on five day drinking binges? He’ll stop doing drugs? He’ll stop lying? He’ll stop saying “I don’t remember that” when she asks him why he said something? He’ll stop telling her that he needs sex now or he’ll be forced – her fault – to go to a street worker? He’ll stop blocking her conversationally with his biblical nonsense ranting about how he’s the new messiah? He’ll stop dumping women when convenient because they were vaccinated in the wrong year? He’ll stop flirting with anything that moves? Then once I’ve thought that, I think, the only way he’ll ever love anyone is by divine intervention. Total healing of his entire personality. And if that happened, he’d want to say sorry to me.
It is a winding road.
S,
I think he would have to find someone who would accept all that. I think he would pretend at first like it seems they all do. I think similar things as you, but I think it would only be a matter of time until the mask slips.
I struggled wanting to know that that’s why his ex left with the children- as he played victim and cried.
I think in my heart of hearts I know.
I think acceptance is hard, but we can heal.
Lol, yes. He does require a lot from a person. Chiefly that you take your brain out after you take your shoes off. Yup, the mental fog he can induce by just not listening to a word you say and insisting on his own crap again and again, I guess, if she can live with that, she deserves his glorious company.
I think he can control a lot of the horrible behaviours he engages in. But, I also think there’s something in him that is so out of whack, just deciding, right, I love this woman and I’m going to make sure she knows it and stop being a prick, won’t tread on it. Something really weird inside, deep down. Sometimes he’d look at me and it was like you could just get a glimpse of the strangest activity behind his eyes that made me think – genius? Or…It was like, if his inner-tension got any higher, it would blow his head off his body. He just had so much gunpowder going off inside. I did used to fear that he’d snap and go into a frenzy state. I’d say to him, I’m afraid you’re going to snap, and he’d say, sort of impatient and disgusted, but also, like he understood the concern, I won’t snap, I’m not going to snap. Ultimately, he liked you to be in a permanent state of lingering fear. Weird! The whole thing was such a weird combination of qualities! One thing that should cancel out the other, but it didn’t, they co-existed inside him and it was so seesaw, so confusing, is he this? Or, is he that? Jekyll and Hyde.
S,
You must remove your brain- or I will eat it!
Waaaaaah.
Yes, so many crazy things inside one person.
I think the 1st or 2nd night I hung out with him I said, you are a force.
Eeeeew. What is that weird energy thing about??
I know, but I don’t know at all what it’s about. But, dang, do they have it. The other, unfortunately really appealing quality that this guy had was, he’d go straight to the centre of the issue, whatever it was. Like, bam. Bulls eye. And in so few words, three or four. It was so, so appealing. OMG. They are so yucky, and yet their very yuckiness gives them these qualities where they’re not impeded by normal emotional responses, or something. In some ways, things were terribly clear to him, because everything was really just like the ticking of an abacus, he’d just shuffle the beads one side to the other and present the “equation”. He seemed to cut through the noise. But then, his own garbage was so completely deranged, again, two opposing things, one revolting you and driving you mad, the other, I just wanted more of that. Sometimes, when I was with him and he was playing nice, the whole world just dropped away, all the worries, everything seemed small, he could make it small, in that way, I felt so protected when I was with him. Then, games again. It is heartbreaking shit. They do pull you in with something that appeals deeply to you, otherwise, we wouldn’t be there in the first place.
I commented to curls and surprized but I don’t see them. Oh well. Maybe it’s messed up on my end.
Surprised,
Have you read much on bi-polar disorder? Does it help to see a description of him? That’s what you’re describing (at least to me). It (he) certainly won’t be better or different with anyone without really good quality care, and even then in modern times, we don’t have great treatments for bi-polar. NAMI has a lot of good info on it.
Depression often isn’t evident or doesn’t show up that much in some bipolars, making it harder to spot. Sounds like he was self-medicating with drugs and alcholol and the messiah babble fits right in.
🙂
Curls,
It wouldn’t surprise me if he could be diagnosed with bipolar. But, I also feel that there’s more to it. He’s very manipulative. However, yes, his mood swings were huge, a lot of grandiosity, Mr Untouchable, parading around. I don’t think it’s the whole story though.
Curls,
Are you a psychiatric nurse, or other mental health professional?
Two opposing things, absolutely. My whole relationship was like investigation discovery. He was like, i’ve been your science project…
There were comments he had made about him being different, another time crazy.
He gave me a stomach ache, thought it was bad case of butterflies.
It sounds like all that appeal comes from them studying us reading us good- and playing up to just what we want and like….
Smooth and sick!