UPDATED FOR 2022. One of the hardest parts of ending a romantic involvement with a psychopath is accepting the fact that to the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing.
In the beginning, when the psychopath pursued you, showered you with attention and affection, called and texted all day long — it was just seduction.
When the psychopath proclaimed undying love, declared that you were the best thing to ever happen to him or her, pushed the relationship along while painting a glistening image of the future — it was all to hook you before you escaped.
When the rough patches came and you were ready to walk away, and the psychopath pleaded, cajoled, promised to change or even threatened to commit suicide if you left — it was all to maintain control over you. The psychopath wasn’t finished with you yet.
Then, when you finally decided there would be no more chances, the relationship was completely and irreparably over, and the psychopath went after the money, property and kids with a vengeance — well, that’s because the psychopath’s only real goals in life are power, control and winning.
Profoundly different
So how do you deal with this? How do you accept that all the professions of love were lies, and all the promises were worthless?
What’s necessary is to come to terms with the fact that psychopaths are fundamentally and profoundly different from the rest of us.
Read more: How long does it take to recover from a sociopath
They are empty suits. Aliens. Cardboard cutouts. Use whatever analogy helps you understand that psychopaths are missing the traits and qualities that make the rest of us human.
They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. If they appear to show these emotions, they are acting.
They do not have the ability to love. They do not truly care about anyone else’s happiness and well-being. If they do things that seem to be supportive, it’s because the actions further their agenda.
You will never be able to understand how they think and why they do what they do. You just need to accept that they are what they are.
What was real?
By this point, you’re probably wondering, what was real?
YOU were real. Your love, caring and trust were authentic. You did your part, in fact, you did far more than your part — no matter what the psychopath says.
You opened your heart, which is something the psychopath never did, and is incapable of doing. Unfortunately, you were deceived by someone who took advantage of your good nature and your love.
Learn more: Why it’s so hard to get over a sociopath and how you can recover
You have a heart. The psychopath does not. To the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing.
This article was originally posted on Lovefraud on April 6, 2015.
6 really bad reasons for staying with the sociopath
Curls,
Mine coulda been bi polar too, all though he has a thing about making up stories of people having cancer and faking hospital visits. PL yes, but maybe even munchausen by proxy?
Just thinkin out loud. 🙂
Remembertoforget
I found your comment — let’s see if you find my reply :).
I’m finding that my comments sometimes don’t post at all. Other times, post but not where I can find them very easily (on another page or something). If they show up on the list on the left side, i’ve noticed, then they are in the main text somewhere on some page.
Bi-polar is a pretty fluid diagnosis with a broad sweep of possible thoughts, actions, behaviors.
Faking stuff could be within the realm of it, thought more so – definitely making up stories, and then believing their own stories. It’s like an alternate universe in their heads sometimes. They think of something, then think it must be true because they just said it. Then argue that YOU aren’t making sense because they KNOW this is true, and they need to deal with it (whatever it is)! Then distract them, and they’ll decide you aren’t making sense because you’re now talking about what they just were and why aren’t you keeping up with their “new” reality?
What I keep remembering is when studying in school, a long time ago so much has changed, but back then UK and US had the same combined rates of schizophrenic and bi-polar diagnoses. However, UK tended to diagnose one (I think schiz) at a much higher rate, and US tended to diagnose the other at a higher rate. In other words, it was fairly hard to tell them apart for an overlapping set of the cases. That told me that the symptoms can be quite a broad set that’s not nearly as clear cut as implied by the popular images of the conditions. Also from my direct experience, those with bi-polar admitted to a psych ward can be quite delusional or just “off” on basic standards for human interaction, until they get helped.
Maybe he had a bit of paronia about cancer or munchausen by proxy…
Curls,
Yea made up the whole hospital story, then harrassed me for a week about not coming to see him and all the people who were there for him. Then argued with me for cutting him off about the wheelchair story, and the next day admitted he didn’t go to hospital. Whew.
Also told a story about his son commenting on the car lights, a car he didnt even have until after his son moved away.
Said his sis had cancer and blood in urine so I asked her questions- I was concerned, she had no answers. 6 months later she’s drunk and knocking on my door and he shoed her away. She doesn’t have cancer! BS.
Said his ex had cancer but didn’t know what she did to make it go away, this was when they were together!!!
Whew! I know how to pick em!!
Remembertoforget
Yep, that’s edges of delusional. That’s pretty bad, but it can get a lot worse from there for some, sadly. Whatever it is, it’s a mental health illness, not a mere choice by him. Needs to get himself some serious help. I mentioned NAMI organization. If you happen to need it sometime. (And some are mild enough that it’s not really an issue.)
Folks with that stuff are also often very charming and high energy, exciting, fun, warm, really very nice to be around and uplifting… except for the crazy-making factors that then pop up for the ones who are that symptomatic. And they often are able to look stable just long enough to make it hard to believe the crazy is really there at first.
So hopefully you’re radar picker is wiser now.
Knows to go in slowly enough for this stuff to show up before you’re feeling too connected.
Personally I won’t date an alchoholic nor a binge drinker. Not till they are solidly in recovery at least a year, and aren’t co-dependent with me (pushing/pulling on the connecting all the time.) Then again, I drink very rarely so it wouldn’t ever be a good match.
By “not a choice by him”, I mean that you can’t take personally or seriously any of the weird or mean things he’s said to you (and they tend to get to core spots really well)… or the way it ended and how he tried to handle it. Dysfunctional is dsyfunctional, and not personal. Of course it’s much easier said than done by a long shot.
Curls,
Yep. Sounds about right. Delusional. Everything else you said too. Very chatming, nice, warm, fun, etc etc…don’t know the crazy is there, at first.
Man…
He won’t ever get fixed. He has no conscience.
Thank you for that reply! Going to look up NAMI
Curls,
Thanks, that looks like a great site!
More stuff for me to research!
🙂
surprised,
…”more to it”… sounds like a complicated mess.
On the bi-polar, from your note, the things that got my attention were —
– You thinking “geninus” – that’s typical of the reaction they invoke.
– The inner tension about to blow, high energy. (That usually feels like it’s about to spin you into circles until your own brains fall out.)
– the seesawing. And repeating complete nonsense like it was true, over and over no matter what you say.
The need to keep a lingering state of fear, isn’t related though. That’s a weird one.
Sounds like it would feel good to be out of it…
Remembertoforget
“He won’t ever get fixed.”
Nope.
“He has no conscience.”
My experiences have been a little different — the bi-polars I’ve interacted with largely did; but then it’d get buried under the other stuff. That was part of the confusion. They geniunely cared, but it’d disappear for pockets of time, so it’d take longer to figure out and deal with.
A person with a conscience, once grounded again (even if it’s briefly), feels badly for what they’ve put you through and looks for ways to get help and fix it. Sounds like you didn’t have one of those around.
C,
Yea, he doesn’t seem to have a conscience, and gets violent sometimes, then act like nothing happened, and turns things around and 100% victim.Can bipolars have Antisocial personality disorder?
He seemed borderline too.
Oh well. I’m just fixing myself nowadays.
It says most socio-psychos aren’t treatable, but I know some bi polar folks. Ughh there are too many disorders. 🙂
RTF,
“gets violent sometimes, then act like nothing happened, and turns things around and 100% victim”
That’s bi-polar. Can be other things instead alternatively, or can be pure bi-polar.
If you had a sense of borderline, then it was probably there too.
Whatever thing or combo this is — it’s not fixable. Not by you. And generally mental health field isn’t very good at fixing these kinds of things, even for people who want to improve. Bi-polar can get some help in those already really trying hard (and it is HARD work), but mix in most anything else like borderline, and it’s becomes even more unlikely.
@Surprised: that is the perfect wording. They put you in a fog. Perfect wording! They constantly disagree, or they go on stupid long monologs about nothing. Lecturing about e.i. what not to put down the drain (causing drain clogs) Just constant lectures about nothing. So our head is so full of blah, blah, blah. And, then he can pull another fast one. And, he charges me for a job, and then runs off with the money, saying it was a consultation fee.
jeannie812,
There’s a website called “out of the fog” about relationships with “crazy-makers”. He would talk and talk and talk, yes. He’d talk, drop things by the rubbish bin instead of in it, repeatedly, then say, what? like he hadn’t done it, he’d leave razors on the shower floor, right in the middle, drop the towels on the floor, he could always find a way to continue to mess with you. Every time I spotted one thing, he’d just come up with another. Was endless. And completely intentional. You just end up running around after them. Yup, lectures about nothing, and always knowing how to do a better job – cut the broccoli better, cook the food better. Sex was a way to shut him up. How tragic is that??! He had a very volatile side – this is a person who was arrested for MURDER, but who didn’t actually do it. However, his personality is such that the cops thought it entirely likely that he would have. He was also obsessed with rape. The amount of times I had to yell at him to shut up, pleeeeze, when he’d start going on a rant about all the poor women being raped – it was just weird. Like, are you into this, or what? So you avidly consume porn, but have an unusually expressive concern about sexual assault? How does all this work, exactly? So many qualities in one person. Too much.
Surprised,
Your comment isn’t showing with a reply button, so I’ll post here.
Nope, not a professional. Have bi-polar in the family tree, a degree in psychology, and kept up with the research for years. Did a career in a totally different direction. Spent time on a hospital psych ward volunteering, & volunteered at a battered women’s shelter for while.
I’m much less familar with other stuff like borderline personality disorder (wasn’t a diagnosis when I was in school.) I think I’ve met a couple as potential friends, but within weeks, got them out of my life and it took a few months to recover — and decide I wasn’t the nutty one. So still very baffled by that kind of thing.
I’m on the site for personal reasons. My situation is so very different, that I realized if I posted on the internet, it might be very recognizable to anyone happening by who happens to know me and about it. So I’m trying to figure out what to do. Really would love to get feedback from folks here. I had posted a bit of it when I first got here, but didn’t get any response. I seem to be gaining something by reading along, so I’m doing that.
I’d happened to read that particular comment of yours and get struck by the line after line describing bi-polar stuff. Everything except that last line about keeping a level of fear up. I haven’t seen much mentioned of bi-polar on the site, (and seen descriptions that looked like they including elements of it) so I thought I’d mention it as a possiblity.
What you described in the post this morning though with razors, and manipulation to trip you up, isn’t familar to me from bi-polar. Obsessed with (being against) rape, and with(using) porn, and violent. That’s a lot to take in.
What you said, just made me think of something I’d read on a site a few months ago written by a pediophile saying how to recognize one — that it will be the person hanging around your kids who says louded and strongly “how wrong pedophilia is and how those people ought to be killed.”
Hope you are feeling better from dealing with it all.
Hi Curls and Surpr,
Just chiming in, lol, mine had a thing with the response to some sexual comments that “I have a daughter”! and that’s degrading (reference to a s
Cont…
(in reference toa sexual act), then…ends up doing such thing! Porn addict, also on complimenting a modeling ish photo- saying again, I have a daughter, wouldn’t just give a compliment…..
Sicko
Yes, I get that thing about worrying about being recognised. If anyone read all of my posts at once, and knew where I was, and had hung around the same area, it wouldn’t be hard for them to say, I think she’s talking about xyz…But I think, in my case, because this site is so active and the posts roll over a lot, it’s pretty highly unlikely that there’s anyone out there who has developed such an intense interest! I did contact Donna at one stage with the details of “my story”. I didn’t want it posted for the same reason, but it helped enormously just knowing that someone who understood had read it. Then I posted something else after a while. Whatever your situation is, I hope you have someone you can talk to about the details, if that’s something that helps you.
How do you tell your story on here?
thisisnodream
Send an email query to Donna, the owner of this site. The contact info tab is at the top.
Wow…I can relate to your story, it’s like they are all the same. Sob story sob story victim victim. This is the third story I heard of them never filing taxes! Why do they all never do that? Mine too!!! So crazy. Lied about why his ex left and took the kids…. I wanted to report him to Irs too, but he may figure out it was me.
Good luck in your healing, there is tremendous support here!!!
Hi, thank you so much for your kind words. If he figures me out he will have to deal with it, because I have naked pictures of him and I will give them to his wife. I bet I’m not the only one who does, he lives on porn sites and I’m pretty sure that he lives on dating sites. I’m not one bit afraid of him. In fact, many times we fought because he asked me for naked pictures of myself and I never gave into this, even to the day prior to the discard. He told me that I was stubborn and would never bend. I blatantly told him that I was put on this earth to challenge him like no one else probably had. I know healing is not linear and just today after several good days I cried. I thank God that I was able to see who he truly was before going back to him as this was his plan.
If he thinks he can still use you he probably would try. They have no conscience.
Yep, live on porn sites that too.
I can’t challenge mine, he turns it around and plays the victim for me leaving him.
If he has anything on you he could use it and turn it around on you, but it doesn’t sound like he has stuff on you. Good for you!
Taking our innocence sucks! I lost weight too-already a small person. Hang in there. You aren’t contacting him so that’s good. Keep No contact. And watch for him incase he returns.
E,
Thank you for sharing that poem…
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
Do they come back even when unmasked? The fact that he stole my innocence is what hurts the most. I was conned by a man who told me that he cared deeply for me, but little did I know that I was targeted. This man posted pictures of himself in military uniform which on FB. In these pictures he looks good. However, when I met him he looked bad. He looked like he aged several years. His teeth were really bad, because he smoked and he looked unkempt. I was taken aback by his look, but felt so bad for this man, because prior to meeting he told me these sob stories of how is ex wife took his daughters, and how he lives with a woman who takes his retirement check, but he does not have a relationship with her and her family just takes advantage of him. These are all red flags, but I chose to ignore them. He cried like a baby and it broke my heart. He told me that he did not have money for his car payment, so I loan him the money, another red flag. He was in the hospital and was not getting paid. Once again, I wired him money. The most despicable act was when I gave him money to make reservations for us to an event and he stole it, but yet denied it. In my heart I knew he stole it, but could not prove it. Many times including this one I tried to leave, but he manage to bring me back with the pity ploy. Never in my life had I heard of knew anything about sociopaths or psychopaths. However, 10 months later after once again helping him financially we got into an argument, because I confronted him about a picture of him and his wife, (the one he was not with nor had any relationship with). They were pretty close and she had her hand around his waste. I was sick to my stomach and confronted him. Mind you, for all these months he stated that I was too stubborn and I did not trust anyone. I never told him that I loved him, because he never told me. This helped me never to fall in love with him. However, I am such a compassionate person and still felt sorry for him. I felt that I could help him see that life is indeed beautiful and I would help him get out of the black cloud that he was under for so many years. Little did I know that his black cloud was the result of being a sociopath/psychopath. I had confronted him on many occasions about things that I did not feel were right. However, I had a gut feeling, but could never prove anything including the stealing of the money. He told me that he had it and a few weeks later told me that his battery died, so he asked permission to use the money. No actually, he had stole it the first time. This was just a ploy to make me believe that he was honest and cared for me. I tried to leave at least 9 times and but he lured me in each time. I was truly a mess and I am a well-balanced person. When I confronted him about the picture, he discarded me. Telling me that it was better this way and that I had made him feel like no one had ever made him feel in 15 years. He stated that our souls will forever be connected in this life and the afterlife. I fired back another letter telling him that he was callous and that he had never deserved me in the first place. I went into details of how he yelled at me and how he never did anything to deserve me. That now I understood why he lost his beautiful daughters and that I was too good for him and he will never find another woman as good as me. Also, that he had duped me with fake pictures, because he did not look the way he did in real life. I was extremely upset and wanted to hurt him. I told him never to talk, contact nor stand near me if we ever saw each other. Upon researching behaviors of this sort, I became aware that he was a psychopath. I was floored, hurt and disgusted at myself. I could not believe that people of this kind exist. For days I cried. I lost a lot of weight and I am pretty small. I went down to a size 0. I was embarrassed and could not talk to anyone, being that I was dealing with a married man. I read and read and it became clear that I was targeted, because of my status. I feel that he targeted another supply from the group, but she saw through him. He hoovered by posting yet another picture of himself again in uniform. I guess to get me back, but it only disgusted me and now I understand that the letter was to keep the doors open for me to come back too, (word salad). However, on the year of our 1 year anniversary I posted a public article about the psychopaths who target women, and the maggots that they are. How they idealize, devalue and discard their victims. And how the victim is discarded, because of how strong she is, because she was able to unmask him. In addition, how the discard is a blessing in disguise, because now she is out of the dark fog. No matter how much I wrote so he can see my posting regarding psychopaths, I did not feel better. For days and nights I cried and hurt. Not because I was in love, but because I was kind to someone who took my innocence. I recall that he told me that he never paid taxes and recalled how he told me the year prior he had a successful business. I turned him in to IRS and felt good doing it. I am now in therapy and still cry, but I am getting better. I know he saw my post and knows that I know who he is now. I want everything bad to happen to him. Including going to jail for tax evasion. I hate this man with a passion and now understand why his wife left him and married a good man who adopted his two beautiful daughters as his own and he was neither of them want anything to do with him. This man has absolutely no friends, and now I know why. He is a sick being who deserves no compassion from me or anyone.
I am so angry at myself for allowing someone to treat me like this. Especially that he is a bum who has nothing, no looks, personality, money, nor friends. This should have been my warning, but I did not know what a psychopath was until now. I have friends, I’m a veteran, traveled the world, according to others I am very pretty, financially well off, several degrees, own business currently completing my doctorate and a book. I have no children, and look extremely young for my age. I was always happy until this happened. I am trying to get that back, because no way I will let him take my kindness, compassion and the way I viewed the world from me. He will not win! I have many, many friends and someone who is extremely good looking, giving, kind, well off and has loved me for 30 years, but I fell for this basket case, because I felt sorry for him. As per his pity ploy everyone has done him wrong and he has such a bad life. Now, I know why. He looks vile and is. Geez, where was my brain then? Why did it choose to work now? I feel like Rumplestiltskin, asleep for a 100 years. I wasn’t even attracted to him, in fact I felt repulsed, but I looked past that. I am now writing my dissertation on psychopaths in leadership. I’m not satisfied till I see him in jail. I am following up with IRS to make sure that case is processed. Another satisfaction that I have is that his home goes into foreclosure next year. He doesn’t have the money to pay. The more he suffers the better I feel. Call me vindictive, but I am full of compassion for anyone and on the extreme spectrum I am vindictive especially with bullies. However, I do my revenge lawfully. I always fought him back and he knew that I was strong, but he chose to use me. I’m not mad that he did not love me. He has that right. I love myself for both of us and that’s enough. I have an adoring person who adores me and so does my family. I don’t need him to complete me. However, I detest a bully and a man that uses a woman is despicable. I told him this once and he chose to ignore it, so now I will make sure that IRS makes his life miserable. I only lost less than $1000, but the money for the lesson was worth every cent. I opened my eyes as soon as he discarded me and even stopped the last wire transfer. He went to pick it up and it wasn’t there. Tee,hee….
Equanimity…love your strong determined post!! It says:
WORLD HEAR ME ROAR!! 😉
it’s not “revenge” or getting even what you are doing instead you are exposing him to future victims. Bravo for finding your internal strength to do so.
(ps LOVE your screen name!!)
Thank you Jan 7. I love your name too, that’s my sister’s birthday. I think about the movie Maleleficent, where he pretended to love her and cut off her wings. That’s exactly how we all must feel. I know I do. She got revenge from him. I recall watching this movie and could not get it out of my mind that he cut off her wings. This was the time I was with the monster. Her cries were heart wrenching and when I found out what he did to me I cried just like her. I have never cried so hard in my life. However, I vowed that I would follow him for the rest of my life to make sure that I get the pleasure of watching his demise. He cut my wings, but little did he know that I grew a second pair, bigger and better because he taught me what evil looks like. I will continue to help those who need, because this is what I do. I will continue to rescue animals, I will continue working with children and I will strive to be happy, but I will be on a mission to get make sure that his life is full of misery. Again, the legal way. When you commit fraud you create your own demise.
E,
Hey oh wow, ewww you just reminded me how me and my socio went to the movies to see Malificent last summer on my birthday! I liked that movie, I so didn’t know what he was at that time yet, but there was something he was doing to me during the movie that I thought….ummm, are we in high school? How immature. I filed it away of course.
Ugggggh.
Lol, sorry you just made me laugh. Uggggh is right! They are immature. The sociopath use to flex muscles he does not have, lol. I guess is because they look at themselves in the mirror and see themselves as superior. They see Hercules and they are idiots with inflated egos and nothing going on for them. If we can see them and picture them for who they truly are we detest them. Picturing him in my mind for what he truly is really helped me move pass the infatuation that he tried to instill in me. I now detest the maggot. It really works.
Equanitmity, I always felt like my ex h put a bird cage over my head and I was locked into his brain washing because of it. So your discussion about clipping the wings is very poetic and the combo is really what he did to me….
he put a bird cage over my head to control my mind & clipped my wings so I could not fly away.
Took me 12 years of hell to leave him for good. I wrote on another post to someone who is new to LF that the crying that I experienced was unbelievable…when I thought literally my body could not produce another tear I would start crying uncontrollably for hours…so interesting how the body & mind deals with the pain once the brain washing lifts and you can see the hell you are living in.
You have a strong heart & YES your wings are stronger then ever!! I can read in your post that you are a good kind hearted person. Good things are coming your way and bad things will surround both of our ex’s because they do create their own demise.
Thank you for your post
I am so so sorry Jan 7th that you went through 12 years of this. I was lucky, because mine was 9 months and once he discarded me I looked for answers and found them immediately. The compassion turned to hatred. It is my compassion that hurts for you. How I wish that I could take away your pain and the pain of each and everyone that has gone through this. It is the most horrible pain that anyone can feel. I know that sending you a hug will not cure your pain. I am sending you a poem that I live by. You are beautiful, kind and loving. Don’t let this creep take that away from you. Strive to be happy… I will pray for you and keep you near my heart.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927