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To The Sociopath – A Message Of Defiance

There are so many inspiring posts and true stories that are shared here on this forum, and I thought I’d like to share with you an open message that I sent to my ex when I discovered he had been reading my blog. For me, it was another of those defining moments. I had a choice, you see. My habitual response would have been to shut down, keep quiet and stop sharing my journey with the world. The knowledge that he once again had access to my inner thoughts instantly brought back the familiar feelings of fear and uncertainty — together with the still haunting shame that I’d fallen so heavily for his poisonous charms. The fact that, despite my love, he had systematically stripped me of everything that was important to me. Smiling in my face while he did it. How could I have been so stupid to believe his was a smile of love?

I know from some of the personal accounts here that many of you will be familiar with this sort of experience. I also know that (for me anyway) it took a colossal amount of courage and discipline to break the cycle that had trapped me for so many years. To those who don’t understand, it may seem a small thing to write an open message to somebody who has caused so much pain. “Well” they might think “that’s the least you can do! If I were in your shoes I’d have done a whole heap more!” Typically well-intentioned but uninformed fighting talk from people who don’t understand the power that such a debilitatingly cold grip can have over somebody. Yes, even over the normally feisty people that most of us are. As I’ve said before, I believe that we must already have been strong and feisty — why else would we seem such attractive targets?

I wrote this particular piece a year after I discovered the truth. I had already come a long way in my healing by then — but knowing how much further I am today, there was still a way to go at that time. I hope you find this article helpful.

“I know you’re out there… I can feel you now. And I know that you’re afraid… afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it’s going to begin…”

That is one of my favorite quotes from The Matrix, and my ex and I used it to open a training session at a large conference to teach managers the rudiments of coaching. I am using it now because I know for sure that this blog is now being read by my estranged husband. So I thought I’d say hello in a style that would be sure to grab his attention.

Yes, it’s true… once I found out he was watching me I seriously considered shutting the blog down. I fretted over the notion that perhaps it might give him some kind of sick hold over me again. Once again I felt the fear. The humiliation. And yes, the familiar feeling of him standing over my shoulder. In some ways peculiarly comforting (better the devil you know?) but in the most part frightening. I was shaken. For the first couple of days it was hard for me to make any sensible decision as once again the nagging questions started swirling through my brain. “What if he can get to me again? What if he’s been watching me all the time? What if he decides to suddenly make an appearance?”

And then I decided to stand proud. I decided that I have nothing to hide. And I also came to the conclusion there’s nothing that he can do now to hurt me. He’d already done everything within his power — and he’d failed. Because I’m free. You see I am not afraid anymore. This blog is MY voice, it’s MY journey, and it’s MY truth. And the truth will always out in the end.

I can’t begin to guess his reasons for suddenly taking such an avid interest in what I’m doing. After all, he hasn’t given my son or me a backwards glance since the very day I found out the truth about him. And yes, I’ve been through hell and back in the days and months that followed. At times it has felt as though I have been trapped inside my own matrix, and insanity has felt never less than a heartbeat away. I had loved him with all my heart and with all my soul. I believed he loved me too, you see, and the shock at discovering the depth of his betrayal and deceit was just about enough to kill me.

When I first discovered the truth, I didn’t know where to turn or whom I could trust. I worried that perhaps everyone else had known what was going on. I felt ashamed and stupid for not seeing what had been going on right under my nose – for years – how could I have been so blind? I couldn’t sleep. Some days I could hardly breathe. The pain was indescribable, and my days were spent wading through treacle and trying to keep my head above the quicksand that was threatening to drag me down in to the abyss. My son and I both stuck together like glue, and together we worked our way through the mire. Together we made sense of a tortuous situation that forced us to realize that our family life had been nothing but a sham. A recognition that seems so inconceivable, there are many people who simply couldn’t (and still can’t) take the whole truth on board. The public tarring and feathering I’ve talked about before, when trying to convince people that the caring soul they thought they knew is actually a cold heartless creature who never gave a damn — either about me, or about his ”˜friends’, the very people who still can’t accept the facts.

And throughout those first weeks and months I missed him. Terribly. Heart-wrenchingly. I missed his touch, his smell, his voice. The smile and the face I knew and loved so well. The way he would hold me. The way our bodies just seemed to fit together so well. The way he walked. Even the noise he made when he cleared his throat – I always said I could pick him out from a mile away just from that sound!

Yes, there was certainly a time when I would never have wanted him to know the pain and destruction his actions have caused. There would have been a time when I would have wanted to keep everything quiet. I’d have chosen to keep the smile on my face and carry on as normal — keeping the shame and hurt to myself (and for myself). Damage limitation and all that malarkey.

And yes, I’ve questioned whether there can be any threat to me with him now reading my stories. Perhaps he’s smirking. Perhaps he’s sneering with a warped sense of pleasure as he prides himself at having had such a hold over me. Perhaps he takes some kind of sick kick in reading my stories of soul-searching and struggles as I learn to make sense of my shattered life.

So yes, the questions have been running around and around my head, and I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do. And I’ve decided through it all that I’m sticking exactly where I am. For I have decided that I am now safe from harm, and am finding the courage to start living the life of my dreams. So I decided that that this blog, my story, my life is just that. MY life. And I’m never going to shut up, bow down, hide or apologize ever again. I did that for far too long.

And you know what? Now I’m glad of all he’s done — because despite his best intentions, I am emerging stronger and wiser as a result. I’m glad of the opportunity to clear out ALL the old shit I had been carrying around. Not just the rubbish I’d accumulated over 11 years with my so-called soul-mate, but also all the other emotional baggage I hadn’t realized I had been holding in my psyche.

Yes, I’m GLAD I fell to my knees, and I’m proud of myself for doing so. For it was MY strength of character that allowed me to go there – not HIS perceived power over me.  So, as I said in a previous post, thank you ex-husband. Thanks for leaving just enough of a trail for me to find you out. Because had I not discovered the truth about you, perhaps I would never have broken free. I know for certain that I would be in a very different place right now. A place that I don’t even care to consider.

But now I AM free — I’m free from you and your cold heartless deceit. You can’t touch me anymore, and you pose no threat to me either now or in the future. Because now I know for sure what it’s like to feel secure. To feel loved. To feel inspired to dream big and have the self-belief to follow those dreams. I’ve started now, and nothing and nobody can stop me. So go ahead, feel free — read and weep. Because you’ve already lost.

So to you, dear ex, as I said in the beginning: “I don’t know how this is going to end. I’m here to tell you how it begins…” For I HAVE changed, and life will never be the same again.

 


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66 Comments on "To The Sociopath – A Message Of Defiance"

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BRAVO! Thank you for saying all of the things I wish I could say to my ExPath. I have fantasized about bringing my feelings out into the open forum but haven’t reached that point of safety yet. I love, love, love that you did this for yourself, for your son and for all of us!

Congratulations, Mel, for finding your strength to stand up! I’ve only recently come “out of the closet” of fear and shame and started using my own name both here on LoveFraud and on Aftermath radio…it is empowering as well as a bit scary.

Thanks for your article!

This is about the sickest thing I have ever heard.

http://edition.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/08/15/louisiana.child.killing/

Quote: ““I don’t know how this is going to end. I’m here to tell you how it begins— For I HAVE changed, and life will never be the same again.”

Thanks Mel for your inspiring words. You are absolutely right. I have been finding that freedom of expression, as well. I don’t know if he is following me online or not but it doesn’t matter because his reign of terror is just over for me and my life.

I write here, at this blog, hiding nothing about the evil things he has done to me and that I have knowledge of that he has done to others along the way, as well.

I don’t care if he reads or hears me or not. But, I DO know ONE THING: I AM FREE now and there is nothing more he can do to harm me in the here and now. I rebuke that evilness he has brought to my world and I have no intention on ever returning to it. You post, Mel, is at once very comforting as well as inspiring and I thank you for taking the time to validate us all.

Always in my thoughts and prayers ~ Dupey

Yes, Louise: very chilling; isn’t it? So sad….
May Jori rest in peace and live with the Angels and hurt no more.

Dupey

Louise,

I had the thought recently that it seems like the spaths “are coming out of the woodwork,” reading and hearing about so many of them via the t.v., newspapers, etc. Since the story about the little special needs boy is too disturbing (I work with intellectually challenged adults), I cannot read it, but I have no doubt that his “father” is an evil person.

yes bluejay: i read it. he is an evil person. i won’t gross you out by telling you any of the specifics because specifics bother me as well, but just trust me when i tell you that yes, he is evil.

you are right: i agree with you: spaths ARE coming out of the woodwork and I believe they are by-products of our civilization. Greed, lust, trickery – all of those things play a part in the demise of values and common dignities. it’s things like that which are slowly eroding away our very self of the good in human nature.

the only way the things we value and believe in that prevents them from taking over is our persistence in remaining strong and non accepting of the ugliness. perhaps it will filter backwards and prevent the eventual. Hmm?

I am not a pessimist but I AM a realist.
The one thing about history – once a new road has been plowed, there is no going backwards, only forwards. may the heavens help us all.

Dupey Doo

mel, great article. I agree, what can they do exactly- finding a old target’s blog/writing material? Nothing! And the fact that they’re even looking says a lot about their own life : EMPTY, BORING, AND PREDATORY. That’s all. *smile*

DUPED NO MORE,

They’re all around, even on popuar t.v. shows (eg. The Real Housewives of New Jersey show has a husband on it that’s got some serious legal problems, red flags about him waving in the wind, his wife standing by him though). Maybe, since our eyes have been opened, we just are able to discern the truth more easily.

“And then I decided to stand proud. I decided that I have nothing to hide. And I also came to the conclusion there’s nothing that he can do now to hurt me. He’d already done everything within his power ”“ and he’d failed. Because I’m free. You see I am not afraid anymore. This blog is MY voice, it’s MY journey, and it’s MY truth. And the truth will always out in the end.”

Can I please get an AMEN!!!

I’ve changed my screen name back because of this – thank you for the liberation!!

bluejay: I know. Maybe we just are better able to discern our intuitions and our strength now after having it blasted apart! Yes, we can see them more now. They are like shape shifters. Got to watch out for them shape shifters! 😉 *Blessings, bluejay*

Yay Sheila Leanne!!!! Right: stand proud. Nothing to hide. Nothing they can do to hurt me any more. He has already done everything in his power to decimate me – there is nothing left to decimate. 🙂
I have put it back together again ~ or getting there, anyways. When I make it through that final flame on this ring of fire, there is no turning back and nothing anymore “IT” can do to me. It is MY TRUTH. The TRUTH DOES win out in the end.

Best wishes ~ Dupey

Thanks Dupes! 🙂

I had found out that he had been monitoring my activity – I thought that if I changed my name he wouldn’t figure it out.
But seriously, what’s a screen name? I know he’s monitoring me through my email and I aint’ changing that AGAIN –

You’ll make it – I have a sign in my bathroom – it’s a pic of a girl at a crossroads holding a bumbag (pole with a kerchief wrapped aroung it holding belongings) – one crossroad sign says My Life – the other one says No Longer an Option – guess which way she is headed…

to quote Grateful Dead – “what a long strange trip it’s been” –
but the journey doesn’t end just because of them, it’s a new beginning, a new awakening – a new LIFE!

there is light at the end of the tunnel – keep your head held high and believe in yourself!!!

Fantastic letter Mel!
You articulated so much of our own pain and desire to come out of the closet and stand up to our destructive evil spath. You are very corageous and a hughe inspiration!

Shelia Leanne: oh yes, constant monitoring…I know what that is like. He has got his monthly validation that I AM still alive, this month, couple weeks ago. He must be very nervous about what is happening with me and all ‘proceedings’ since I threw him into the curb, face first, the way he earned it. I would imagine he might be just a little upset, worrying – THE SAME WAY HE DID ME FOR FIVE YEARS. At least “I” didn’t try to KILL HIM! Right?

yep, what goes down, comes around, eventually, in the long run…I like your bathroom sign! Awesome!!!! “NO LONGER AN OPTION” is a good rule to keep ruminating in our heads when we even think or consider the notion they will be anything different than what they are.

Dear Sheila: I am starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel….it’s been a very long and death defying road too!

Thanks for your wishes ~ right back at ya!

~Dupey

Mel – and all of us with screen names. Yes, yes, yes!!! Let’s expose these toxic f#$%^rs for who they are. We worry because of family, social reputation, financial survival, etc. so we keep their dirty little secrets. Spaths know exactly what they are doing. Mine once said, “I’m not the monster you think I am.” I was like whoa, where did that come from. The counselor I saw said, “You know why he said that, right? Because he knows he is a monster.” Of course only behind closed doors. Spaths rarely let their public image of Mr. Nice Guy fade. They might act a little testy now and then but nothing too big. I am here to tell, I had mine diagnosed with bipolar, anti-social, alcoholic (never could figure out how he could drink a bottle of wine and function the next day like no big deal), depression, psychopath, pathological liar, Jekyll/Hyde,sociopath, borderline personality disorder. etc, etc, I used to call him my on again/off again friend. Everything I read, I would say, yep that’s it. I saw a counselor after 3 years of marriage, told him all about it. He said, “This guy will never change. ” I’d love to find that guy back, because I would like to thank him now – I finally believe him. He was right! I was so mad at him after that one session, I never went back. Instead I went on to have 3 children with this spath. I rode the roller coaster mind f**k of emotional and verbal abuse for another 19 years. It was one day when I purposely thought about getting in a car accident but didn’t want to hurt anyone else, that I woke up and went on a mission to “help” him. The second counselor he made fun of (surprised I even got him to go). The third called him a dry alcoholic (he wasn’t going gang busters at that time), the fourth was a woman that he shmoozed and got her on his side. She thought I was a lonely depressed housewife that had little going for myself. The fifth told me, “Prepare for a long battle!” I saw that fifth counselor for 2 years. Counselors need more prep in sociopathy. Victims(I hate that word) need affirmation that there are people in the world like this and NOTHING can be done. They aren’t capable of change. They would have to hate their own life so bad that THEY can’t take it, but the ironic thing about that is – it’s not like alcoholism where they lay in the gutter and are useless. These monsters steel themselves and bat good people out of the way as if they were mosquitoes, oh, all the while smiling and with words of butter, with sugar, cinnamon and all your favorite syrups. This type of behavior seems to justify themselves. Just watch to see if the BEHAVIOR matches the words. Glib! Glib! Glib! My spath always said, “You don’t communicate. You don’t tell me right. ” Lots of word games, wordsmithing, twist it, spin it. Create confusion. Or if you said it right, it wasn’t at the right time. You must have the perfect words at the perfect time and trust me the spath will still slide out of any accountability or responsibility. I too could write a book. This website is just what so many of us need. Alienate these jerks from society. Now what I really want to know is the big question, Nature or Nurture. His mother is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, so I can certainly see the lack of nurture, but was he born that way? He is a snake in a suit. What does this mean for my kids?

Dear Honest,

your questions, “nurture or nature” and “what does that mean for my kids?” The answer is YES, it is both, and your kids are AT RISK of having psychopathy in one level or another.

My psychopathic son is a clone of my psychopathic biological father. I have hard psychopathic genes on both sides of my family, and my P-son’s father has them on at least one side of his….maybe both, but I don’t know for sure.

I’m not a psychopath but my son sure is….and the other son is not a psychopath either, but he is an arse and I am NC with him except for business, which means we cooperate on keeping his P-brother in prison.

My most fervent desire used to be having grandchildren, but now I thank God on a daily basis that neither of my biological sons have children.

Yes, it was like cutting an arm or leg off to get away from my P son and even my other son, it was very painful, but just as I would have to cut off a leg that had gangrene I had to amputate the poison limb from my soul…my sons. I deluded myself that my egg donor cared for me, loved me, had my best interest at heart, when in fact it was all about CONTROL. I had to amputate that limb as well.

Dr. Liane Leedom has a son by her P X husband and has a wonderful website called “parenting the at-risk child” you can link to it by clicking on the blog roll on the left side of the screen here at LF. Good luck and I wish you peace above all else.

oh my

Mel- I just love your writings. I feel such a connection to your words. AWESOME for you for finding such dignity and strength in your journey.

“…together with the still haunting shame that I’d fallen so heavily for his poisonous charms. The fact that, despite my love, he had systematically stripped me of everything that was important to me. Smiling in my face while he did it. How could I have been so stupid to believe his was a smile of love?”
This statement really resonated with me because this is exactly what I was working on in therapy this week. I was feeling so gullible and full of shame for believing there was something deep and profound about my relationship with my ex spath. Something clicked with me this week and I understood a few things more clearly.

1. How could I have possibly seen the truth of the situation when I was mis-led by his declarations of love and admiration. He was so convincing and I was in need of love. I wanted to believe it. It is not a bad thing that I loved so easily and so completely. He can’t make that dirty for me anymore. I am not ashamed for falling in love.

2. He is the one who made me look gullible, foolish, and like the obsessive psycho ex because he made it clear to everyone else that he wasn’t serious about me. He just didn’t let me in on that information. There is no shame in being decieved and manipulated. It just clearly shows who he really is. It is no reflection on my character at all. I am very glad I am capable of loving so deeply and sincerely. I like that about myself. It is my strength.

3. My husband reminded me tonight that my answers lay in NOT focusing on what I don’t want in my life. i.e. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. or I don’t want to think about my abuser anymore.”

But rather, focusing on what I do want. i.e. “I want to enjoy my family, love deeply, and appreciate my life and all the gifts I have been given.”

And

4. If I didn’t have this experience, I wouldn’t have been given the gift of finding my authentic self and to love who I really am. Because let’s face it, this journey forces you to do exactly that.

Dear Sisterhood,

Good points all 4! Thanks for an inspiring post!

Mel, after reading this post, I went back to your blog and read the last post there. I love your writing and your talk about finding your inner warrior. Also about how sometimes, it’s necessary to consider other options, rather than the kind, courteous, compassionate way we prefer.

Your message to your ex about how things are beginning reminded me of a technique that I found useful in communicating with my ex, the vague threat about how things are going to end.

We we broke up, I didn’t want him in my town, my county (where he moved only to mooch off me) and I didn’t want him exploiting anyone else in my professional world (where he worked for a time because I trained him and gave him work). So I told him to stay out of my area and my work life, or he wouldn’t like the way it came out.

The vague threat stands alone. It doesn’t offer any details of what I intend to do.

I’d first used this technique when we were still together and it made him back right off from attempts to denigrate or gaslight me, to emotionally blackmail me for some gain, or just dump some new responsibility or expense on me. Every time, it made him stop, stare at me and then change the subject or quite literally back away. But at the time, since I was paying for everything in his life, I assumed that he jumped to the conclusion that I was threatening to cut him off.

To my pleasant surprise, I found it worked just as well later when I had no material hold on him. He actually did move himself and all his stuff out of the county, even though he had a side relationship with a woman in the next town. My theory is that he is such a schemer that he assumed I was as good at it as he was. And he assumed that I could use the same methods he did to discredit, sabotage and take advantage of other people’s weakness.

Since then, I’ve used variants of “or you won’t like the way it comes out” in a number of different situations, and it pretty much always works. The nice thing about it is that you can say it the most nonthreatening way — wide-eyed and smiling or looking really caring and concerned. You don’t have to be angry. In fact, I think it’s more effective if you’re not angry.

I never answer any questions, like “What do you mean by that?” Except to shrug or say “you never know” or “let’s wait and see.”

Before I got to this, I used to daydream up complicated revenge and sabotage scenarios. More for my own amusement than anything else. I’m not a revenge-y kind of girl. But some of these daydreams were so funny that I still think about them and chuckle.

But this is much, much better. Keeps my karma clean and let’s them stew in their own paranoia.

Again thanks for your wonderful work, Mel, and the generosity of your sharing. I look forward to reading more.

Kathy

Kathy,

Glad to see you back on LF!!!!!!

Your vague threats method was also what I used with my X BF who I knew had burned down the house of one of his previous GFs….nothing “illegal” (it IS illegal –terroristic threatening–to threaten to kill or harm someone) about saying “you won’t like the way it turns out.”

Again, Glad to see you back Kathy, and hope you are doing well! Love Oxy

Hi Oxy, nice to see you too.

I’m just flashing through. On multiple deadlines, and I dropped into for a break. Lots of new names, I see. Glad to see all these people healing.

Love to you too —

Kathy

I have been taken to court by the spath repeatedly, harassed by his current wife etc. I am only interested in my children and in view of that I have filed for my daughter under the children’s act UK. For all those out there, who like me have to ‘co-parent’ (that is a laugh, he has seen neither of his children in years or paid maintenance), I have now exercised my legal rights on behalf of my daughter as follows. I take no pleasure from this, but hope that justice will be served again. He has of course not separated from the current wife, all lies, but unfortunately if you lie under oath, you should expect it to come back and haunt you, especially if documented by way of a judgment by a Judge. My daughter will go to university to read Physics in October, the jealousy and vindictiveness of spaths is breathtaking. Both of these spaths will also be arrested for child abuse later this year.

It takes many years for a spath to hang themselves, but you do eventually get there, as they always give a tell and think they can get away with it. If I do not get confirmation of his address I will expose him by way of his own lies documented in a court judgment. To catch a thief you have to think like one, to expose a spath, you use every bit of evidence, accumulate for years and then exercise extreme caution, and use every legal avenue, as we know they are pathological liars with no shame or remorse.

This is how my next chapter begins, starting with lies under oath by the spath himself, and no the judge did not believe a word he uttered, hence she put its lies in the judgement. I have up to now, done the NC, but this is a court order. Form E is a sworn declaration of your finances, you are warned that if you lie you could go to prison. The spath is incapable of even filling in a form, sections he does not like, he removes those and renumbers the pages, because he thinks no one will notice, or he simply does another version ….he is thick, deluded and sick; all to avoid child maintenance.

Hugs and good wishes to everyone, hang on in there, my letter below to the spath is of course tongue in cheek, but given he is an idiot he will not get it!!

Mr xxxxx xxxxxx

20th August 2011
1 Hungerford Road
Bath
BA1 3xx

Dear Mr xxxxx,
You have failed to respond to correspondence and therefore you are now in receipt of the court order to file with me your Form E by the 30th September 2011, and with Bristol County Court by 4pm on the 21st October 2011.

Please now indicate when your Form E will be available. I ask that this being the third time, that you do not edit out sections and renumber pages of your sworn Form E, you file only one version of Form E, that you provide truthful, complete and full disclosure, that you file your Form E by the due date as per the court order and you come to court mindful that these proceedings are solely about your monetary contribution for my daughter’s tertiary education, as per recital I of the Consent Order.

Your Form E is to include but not limited to:
• The income, assets and liabilities of Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx including income from her inherited rental properties; flat x, xa, number x and x Locksbrook Place Bath.
• Evidence of your separation from Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx in August 2010 by way of a separation agreement, decree nisi and/or absolute; you will recall you claimed your alleged separation under oath as documented by Judge xxxxx in her March 2011 judgment.
• Your expected monetary settlement from your divorce of Ms Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx.
• The income from the xxxxxx family partnership.
• Evidence of your real current address and rental agreement.
• Your income and HMRC self-assessment forms.
• Your bank statements (company and personal) in full and credit card statements.
• Details of your current contract.

You are only to correspond with me by post, under no circumstances are you to visit my home or contact either of my children. In the event that you fail to provide evidence of your address by post within 7 days of the date of this letter, I will seek confirmation from other agencies.

I remind you once again, that this application is for the monetary benefit of my daughter which you were forewarned of in Bristol County Court on the 30th March 2011. If it helps, Dr xxx commented your behaviour and that of Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx towards the children is the worst he has ever encountered in 17 years; your blatant lies extreme and insulting to anyone with a modicum of intelligence.

Yours sincerely

Mrs xxxxxxx
CC: Bristol County Court

Dear Movingon,

Good [email protected]

MovingOn,
you always inspire me. Turnabout is fair play. Go get justice.

I see exactly what you mean about his PD. He is predictable, he digs his own grave. This guy has the spath PD really bad. Sorry you had to experience it. ((hugs))

Kathleen Hawk –

HA HA HA! I love what you wrote!

I love your strategy of some vague threat. That is absolutely hysterical!

We need more of that on here! Actual things we can do that move the needle in our favor.

Next time my spath pings me – I’ll have to decide if it’s NC or if it’s some form of, “I am not participating in this any more. Leave me alone. If you don’t, you’re not going to like how things turn out”.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Burn in hell, spath!

Superkid

I SO agree that if you have to make a “threat” it needs to be VAGUE, don’t let them know what your REAL plans are, the vague threat is much more “threatening” because they don’t know which direction to watch for the onslaught. Specific threats are NOT a good idea.

Yes vague threat are spot on, like my letter regarding its real address i.e. ‘I will seek confirmation from other agencies’.

In this case, I will write to his landlord (Land Registry UK, gives name and address of owner) with a copy of his high court writ stayed for non payment of child maintenance, evidence of the 4 other addresses he has used in the last 12 months including a letter to a Judge giving yet another address!

My reason of course is to ensure the courts can send him his court orders as he has failed to respond and I am ‘desperate’. Past behaviour is an indication of future, so fingers crossed he won’t respond as normal and then perfectly legal to make my enquiries.

Spaths hate to be exposed with ‘proof’, difficult to lie your way out of when you don’t know what the other side has by way of evidence. Easy when you realise just how extreme their lies and deceit are.

Agree with the “Veiled threat” tactic. It’s amazing how paranoid they are. Recently my voice mailbox was full. I suddenly got a flurry of text messages. “I see your saving your messages”… ect.

I know he’ll be driving himself nuts trying to remember what incriminating threat he might have left on my VM. lol!

It’s also good, if you have a few little things he doesn’t realize you know about him, that you can casually mention. Then they think you know, a LOT more than you do. Makes the “you won’t like the outcome” thing even more potent.

We should start a “Hints, Tips and Cheats” page for navigating spathdom…

During July of this year I had occasion, finally, to confront my SP a year after our marriage ended. He used a business excuse, and then started screaming at me through email, and then gaslighting me in text messages and vm’s.

Initially, the old feeling swept through me: fear, the urge to instantly acquiesce, I could feel them push up from somewhere deep inside me.

The new me took over. I wrote back “I see what you are doing, this is the same old stuff you did f0r 11 years when I was your prisoner, in that house. Fear, gaslighting and passive aggressive behavior. Guess what? You’re not in this house any more. I am no longer afraid of you, you are out of my life forever, and I am free. You can take your gaslighting tactics and shove them. I know what I said, I know what I did, and Im not changing my mind about it. This is also why you will never ever come near me or my children again. And if you do, I will call 911 if I see you outside the door”. I am NOT afraid of you. AND…I am free.”

I owned the first true moment in my road to recovery. It was an important emotional victory. And a sign post along the way that said, Im getting better day by day. I was a woman who was beaten, emotionally tortured, and kept prisoner. I had no thoughts of my own, and I lived in a continually frightened state. Im not saying Im 100% perfect, I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO in therapy. But, this was the first summer in 11 years I felt the sunlight on my face and enjoyed it. Im free.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is by explaining empowerment and through our personal journies that each one of us can see there is an out. There is a new beginning and its slow, its often very painful at first, and even a long time after, but its there.

Dear Hurt terribly,

I think you should change your “name” to RECOVERING WELL! That was a powerful statement and stance you took! TOWANDA!!!! Good fo ryou!

I felt every word you said, thank you.
Very strong, very clear, very present and so much hope in me for attaining the place you’ve gotten to.
I can’t wait to read your words again:)

This was so well-written, and I related to so much of it.

Also, Hurt Terribly up above, that is what has been on the tip of my tongue, but not out of my mouth, for so long now! I am going to spit that out soon. I just know it!!!!

I’m fresh off the socio-boat, so I haven’t as much strength as you yet, but I’m looking forward to that stage of recover!

Wow. I’ve been being a gray rock because he nearly killed me. I just finished doing my periodic web search for his name to make sure he’s staying put and my name to make sure it isn’t anything current. It’s a pain, but he did teach me to be cautious. Also to stop falling for these losers. Except for his being an inept murderer and being lucky enough to have had my tubes tied before we met, he’s a clone of yours. I went through exactly what you did. I thought he was my best friend. Even though the scales fell off my eyes immediately, and yea, I missed him EXACTLY like you did, my very words. I am now able to buy my own home, but I’ve been stalling, because once I do he can find me. I thought about changing my name, which I would HATE to do, I made my name and I’m proud of it. I NEVER would have had even a decent roof over my head. I’m just going to put all the stuff I know, all the proof I have and give it to my lawyer to open if anything happens to me, my family or what’s left of his.

I accidentally ran across the poor woman he was living with before me. It was mega creepy. Not only is she beautiful, she looks a lot like me before he got to me. I know he pulled exactly the same break up crap on her as he did on me. She bought into it, luckily I was older and wiser by the time I found out. He justified his affair when with me by saying, it doesn’t matter, she’ll be dead within a year anyway. (He targeted the poor woman online, she had terminal cancer and was just his type. Seemed like a nice woman, poor thing) Scared the hell out of me because I suddenly realized ALL his women I knew about had health problems. I thought about contacting the one before me, it would be fun to compare notes and let her know she wasn’t the crazy one. However that would just keep the drama going and maybe trigger trauma for her.

So yes, I will thank that soulless bastard also. I’ve finally realized just how strong I really am, and how little I need a man, any man to validate me. I’ve stopped wearing the god awful stuff and attitude living with him forced on me. I’ve lost a bit of weight and people are assuming I’m ten years younger than I really am. I have guys who are waaaaay to young for me hitting on me. I don’t want them, but hey, it’s good for the ego, because I am doing this for myself. I’m not getting my old sassy self back, I am getting a whole BRAND NEW ME! And yeah, laughed about the Matrix phrase because if he ever saw “brand new me” he’d know it was me, LOL!

Oh, and when I was out with my young and very adorable care giver, and she explained that to one of her friends that I was disabled, the friend said “She looks pretty healthy to me!” NO ONE could have said that when I was with him.

Now I’m going to take my middle aged body in my new well fitting jeans and showing a tiny bit of cleavage (the work of my care giver, LOL) and ask if my neighbor wants to go to lunch. I’m going to ask her if her spath wore underwear. I’m now taking a poll, LOL.

Romanticfool, this line: “He justified his affair when with me by saying, it doesn’t matter, she’ll be dead within a year anyway.”

What a sicko! One thing I’m learning in this site is that mine isn’t the only one! The stories that women and men have in here are amazing. Your ex targeted women with health problems? I am at a loss for words.

I really want to send all these wackos to an island together so they can have a dose of their own medicine applied. I don’t even want to film it. I just want to know they are all in the ruthless jungle where they probably belong in some biological way. I mean, these creatures are seemingly built to survive a world of ruthless brutality, but ended up lucky in this world with us humanists!

Romantic fool -NO MORE! I am so glad that you are doing well, and feeling well and looking well. We don’t have to have anyone except ourselves to validate ourselves! That is the thing I finally realized in ALL relationships, not just romantic ones.

We don’t have to have “approval” from anyone else, we can make up our own minds about what is right for us.

This healing process is more than just an EMOTIONAL journey, it is also a spiritual one as well. We examine ourselves and it becomes about US, and what we believe and what we want for ourselves. WHO we want to be. We do not have to accept someone else’s assessment of what and who we “should” be or what we “should” do or accomplish.

A conscience and a moral compass enable us to set our own paths in this life (and the life afterward if that is your belief in a higher power). I have come to examine my own beliefs in what is right and wrong, and how I should treat others and how I should allow others to treat me. It is amazing how liberating it is.

RomanticFoolNoMore

Glad you’re seeing the light! You sound like one tough cookie. I feel so much better most days, every additional day with no contact. Ha ha ha ha. A life well lived is a very good revenge.

What do you mean about “wearing the god awful stuff and attitude he forced” on you? I’m not following.

It sounds like you are much happier now!

SK

Hi ((Superkid)),
It’s very apparent that you’re doing better from NC. I’m so happy to imagine your life getting better and better every day. You have so much going for you, the only glitch was the spath encounter. (and of course, your family of origin issues)

Skylar

No contact w him has been easy, he hasn’t emailed, maybe never will again. The hardest thing was no contact IN MY HEAD. Last week or whenever it was i lost a battle but recovered and again im winning the war.

I just read this article AGAIN but this time I was moved to post how my n/p read my diaries. Read my diaries in order to learn my deepest most personal thoughts and then, most likely YEARS after he had started reading them, used my thoughts against me to his win his “battle.” He probably had been using my thoughts in my diaries against me for a long time unbenounced to me, just let it be known to me years later. Funny thing is I did the same as this author, stopped writting. Sad thing is how my diaries where used to release the pain I felt and he twisted that pain and attacked me with it, again probably more often then I thought he did. Sighhhh

Justus
yep,
I destroyed my diary when I was 17, which I had kept for 2 years, because my subconscious told me I had to, once I met the spath. Granted that I didn’t learn he WAS a spath for another 25 yeas, but my subconscious knew! I knew, somehow, that I had to make sure he never knew what I was thinking. Somehow though, I never made the connection between that and needing to escape.

Skyler,
Not me, I was stupid, I didn’t know I couldn’t trust him with my thoughts, I didn’t think he would read my diary, I don’t even think I knew how much I hurt. Thing is, looking back, funny how I used my diary to get out the pain HE was causing me. Why didn’t I think, one, why soo much pain? two, why didn’t he sooth the pain? I had been through so much the 2 years before him and that didn’t hurt the way I hurt with him. I was 19 when I met him, still not divorced though, it’s been 23 years now.

Justus
I can so relate.
I was 17 and lasted 25.5 years.

We don’t think about why sooo much pain because of our Family of Origin (FOO) I think. We are used to love being the source of pain. we are martyrs and think we can and SHOULD bear the pain.

My spath was so evil that I can see clearly, my physical reactions to him, coming from the subconscious, were protective measures. But I’m the one who dances where angels fear to tread. So I kept on keeping on.

Are you in the process of leaving him? Are you being careful? keep your cards close.

Skyler, it wasn’t that my family of origin was a source of pain, not until I hit 17, then my world fell apart. Funny how I sit here and hold back the details for fear he might find this..ha, silly me. Anyway, when I met him it was more like my car turned into an elephant. His behavior and his family behavior was so bazarre I couldn’t registar it, so I denied what I was seeing.

The physical reaction, I know what you mean. For years I didn’t even realize how guarded and/or reactive my physical reaction was. Nor did I realize how much fear and anxiety he caused me.

“I dance where angels fear to tread.” I like that. I guess I do to.

Am I in the process of leaving him? I think so, lol. I am still trying to registar just how bad he has been to me. I guess I am shearing (removing the wool) right now, I guess I have to get all the wool off of the wolf to accept fully he IS a wolf. That and I need to get established financially. I’m making excusesss, ughhh. But yes, I have at least learned to hold my cards close. I used to tell him all the cards I had in my hand and kept losing. There again it didn’t click with me that it was all a game, even though he has always telling me during a fight, “You know you can’t win (insert my real name)”. He was telling me it was a game, I didn’t listen.

If you will, I have a question.

We all know that normal humans have “attachments” – right? We get attached to people – trauma bonds. And then when have these physical things going on – oxytocin, hormones, etc that keep us attached to our spaths.

So I get it that our spaths don’t have an emotional attachment (better said, perhaps, they don’t have a LOVE attachment to others) but here is my question. Do they have a PHYSICAL/HORMONAL attachment? Do they experience the oxytocin and all that?

SK

Superkid10

Good question, I hope someone can answer that accurately. My two cents, no. They may experience the oxytocin but I would have to say that doesn’t bond them to us.

On ATTACHMENT, no, they do not attach normally, and you need to go back and read the article dr. Leedom wrote about attachment and oxytocin. Apparently psychopaths have somewhat diminished numbers of RECEPTORS for the hormones of attachment, like Oxytocin though the levels of the hormone itself are there, there is no place for it to attach (or is diminished at least).

Also, lack of attachment in an infant can be caused both from genetics and from environment or both….and the TIMING of how this infant is treated is important as well. The brain is not fully formed in humans until age 21-25 and different parts of it “wire up” at different ages so if a child doesn’t get proper nurture at a specific time in the brain development to foster that “wiring up” AT THAT SPECIFIC TIME then it may never BE ABLE TO GO BACK AND DO THAT.

The growth and development of the human brain is a very very complex thing, our entire development is way more complex than we can understand, but science is making progress at least, but has much more to learn. The evolution of emotions and empathy, bonding etc. that have kept our species alive has been a very complex process. The development of moral and ethical thinking and culture is another whole complex process as well.

That is why I think this journey of escape from the psychopaths and healing is and becomes as much a spiritual journey for us as for anything else. We have to learn about ourselves, our needs, desires and how to protect ourselves from people who would do us harm, but without becoming “like them” in the process. We want to trust others, to bond to others, but we must be able to determine which person is safe to bond to, which person is safe to trust and who is NOT safe.

SK,
I see why you ask, spaths keep coming back, so are they attached? I would call it more like an addiction. And it’s not an addiction to you, but to the feelings of power he gets when he manipulates you successfully.

He is like a rat in a lab experiment who gets a cocaine pellet for pulling a lever. YOU are the lever. Any lever that give out a coke pellet will suffice. For now you’re it.

Skylar

I hadn’t seen this post of yours until now. It’s hard to stay current on this site.

Yes, that’s exactly why I ask.

So he’s addicted to the feelings of power. Not to me.

I’m having a conversation in my head with him today, “I’m not participating in this any more” and then I start imagining what if he changes. It amazes me that the further removed i am from my ex-spath, the more I attribute normal personal traits to him and I’m open to his coming back if he changes. It doesn’t stay clear in my head that he’s a spath and can’t change.

There must be something wrong with my head/cognitive abilities that I keep getting twisted like this.

Still, I haven’t responded to his contact, but I am sure he will contact me again.

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