There are so many inspiring posts and true stories that are shared here on this forum, and I thought I’d like to share with you an open message that I sent to my ex when I discovered he had been reading my blog. For me, it was another of those defining moments. I had a choice, you see. My habitual response would have been to shut down, keep quiet and stop sharing my journey with the world. The knowledge that he once again had access to my inner thoughts instantly brought back the familiar feelings of fear and uncertainty — together with the still haunting shame that I’d fallen so heavily for his poisonous charms. The fact that, despite my love, he had systematically stripped me of everything that was important to me. Smiling in my face while he did it. How could I have been so stupid to believe his was a smile of love?
I know from some of the personal accounts here that many of you will be familiar with this sort of experience. I also know that (for me anyway) it took a colossal amount of courage and discipline to break the cycle that had trapped me for so many years. To those who don’t understand, it may seem a small thing to write an open message to somebody who has caused so much pain. “Well” they might think “that’s the least you can do! If I were in your shoes I’d have done a whole heap more!” Typically well-intentioned but uninformed fighting talk from people who don’t understand the power that such a debilitatingly cold grip can have over somebody. Yes, even over the normally feisty people that most of us are. As I’ve said before, I believe that we must already have been strong and feisty — why else would we seem such attractive targets?
I wrote this particular piece a year after I discovered the truth. I had already come a long way in my healing by then — but knowing how much further I am today, there was still a way to go at that time. I hope you find this article helpful.
“I know you’re out there… I can feel you now. And I know that you’re afraid… afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it’s going to begin…”
That is one of my favorite quotes from The Matrix, and my ex and I used it to open a training session at a large conference to teach managers the rudiments of coaching. I am using it now because I know for sure that this blog is now being read by my estranged husband. So I thought I’d say hello in a style that would be sure to grab his attention.
Yes, it’s true… once I found out he was watching me I seriously considered shutting the blog down. I fretted over the notion that perhaps it might give him some kind of sick hold over me again. Once again I felt the fear. The humiliation. And yes, the familiar feeling of him standing over my shoulder. In some ways peculiarly comforting (better the devil you know?) but in the most part frightening. I was shaken. For the first couple of days it was hard for me to make any sensible decision as once again the nagging questions started swirling through my brain. “What if he can get to me again? What if he’s been watching me all the time? What if he decides to suddenly make an appearance?”
And then I decided to stand proud. I decided that I have nothing to hide. And I also came to the conclusion there’s nothing that he can do now to hurt me. He’d already done everything within his power — and he’d failed. Because I’m free. You see I am not afraid anymore. This blog is MY voice, it’s MY journey, and it’s MY truth. And the truth will always out in the end.
I can’t begin to guess his reasons for suddenly taking such an avid interest in what I’m doing. After all, he hasn’t given my son or me a backwards glance since the very day I found out the truth about him. And yes, I’ve been through hell and back in the days and months that followed. At times it has felt as though I have been trapped inside my own matrix, and insanity has felt never less than a heartbeat away. I had loved him with all my heart and with all my soul. I believed he loved me too, you see, and the shock at discovering the depth of his betrayal and deceit was just about enough to kill me.
When I first discovered the truth, I didn’t know where to turn or whom I could trust. I worried that perhaps everyone else had known what was going on. I felt ashamed and stupid for not seeing what had been going on right under my nose – for years – how could I have been so blind? I couldn’t sleep. Some days I could hardly breathe. The pain was indescribable, and my days were spent wading through treacle and trying to keep my head above the quicksand that was threatening to drag me down in to the abyss. My son and I both stuck together like glue, and together we worked our way through the mire. Together we made sense of a tortuous situation that forced us to realize that our family life had been nothing but a sham. A recognition that seems so inconceivable, there are many people who simply couldn’t (and still can’t) take the whole truth on board. The public tarring and feathering I’ve talked about before, when trying to convince people that the caring soul they thought they knew is actually a cold heartless creature who never gave a damn — either about me, or about his ”˜friends’, the very people who still can’t accept the facts.
And throughout those first weeks and months I missed him. Terribly. Heart-wrenchingly. I missed his touch, his smell, his voice. The smile and the face I knew and loved so well. The way he would hold me. The way our bodies just seemed to fit together so well. The way he walked. Even the noise he made when he cleared his throat – I always said I could pick him out from a mile away just from that sound!
Yes, there was certainly a time when I would never have wanted him to know the pain and destruction his actions have caused. There would have been a time when I would have wanted to keep everything quiet. I’d have chosen to keep the smile on my face and carry on as normal — keeping the shame and hurt to myself (and for myself). Damage limitation and all that malarkey.
And yes, I’ve questioned whether there can be any threat to me with him now reading my stories. Perhaps he’s smirking. Perhaps he’s sneering with a warped sense of pleasure as he prides himself at having had such a hold over me. Perhaps he takes some kind of sick kick in reading my stories of soul-searching and struggles as I learn to make sense of my shattered life.
So yes, the questions have been running around and around my head, and I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do. And I’ve decided through it all that I’m sticking exactly where I am. For I have decided that I am now safe from harm, and am finding the courage to start living the life of my dreams. So I decided that that this blog, my story, my life is just that. MY life. And I’m never going to shut up, bow down, hide or apologize ever again. I did that for far too long.
And you know what? Now I’m glad of all he’s done — because despite his best intentions, I am emerging stronger and wiser as a result. I’m glad of the opportunity to clear out ALL the old shit I had been carrying around. Not just the rubbish I’d accumulated over 11 years with my so-called soul-mate, but also all the other emotional baggage I hadn’t realized I had been holding in my psyche.
Yes, I’m GLAD I fell to my knees, and I’m proud of myself for doing so. For it was MY strength of character that allowed me to go there – not HIS perceived power over me. So, as I said in a previous post, thank you ex-husband. Thanks for leaving just enough of a trail for me to find you out. Because had I not discovered the truth about you, perhaps I would never have broken free. I know for certain that I would be in a very different place right now. A place that I don’t even care to consider.
But now I AM free — I’m free from you and your cold heartless deceit. You can’t touch me anymore, and you pose no threat to me either now or in the future. Because now I know for sure what it’s like to feel secure. To feel loved. To feel inspired to dream big and have the self-belief to follow those dreams. I’ve started now, and nothing and nobody can stop me. So go ahead, feel free — read and weep. Because you’ve already lost.
So to you, dear ex, as I said in the beginning: “I don’t know how this is going to end. I’m here to tell you how it begins…” For I HAVE changed, and life will never be the same again.
Mel, after reading this post, I went back to your blog and read the last post there. I love your writing and your talk about finding your inner warrior. Also about how sometimes, it’s necessary to consider other options, rather than the kind, courteous, compassionate way we prefer.
Your message to your ex about how things are beginning reminded me of a technique that I found useful in communicating with my ex, the vague threat about how things are going to end.
We we broke up, I didn’t want him in my town, my county (where he moved only to mooch off me) and I didn’t want him exploiting anyone else in my professional world (where he worked for a time because I trained him and gave him work). So I told him to stay out of my area and my work life, or he wouldn’t like the way it came out.
The vague threat stands alone. It doesn’t offer any details of what I intend to do.
I’d first used this technique when we were still together and it made him back right off from attempts to denigrate or gaslight me, to emotionally blackmail me for some gain, or just dump some new responsibility or expense on me. Every time, it made him stop, stare at me and then change the subject or quite literally back away. But at the time, since I was paying for everything in his life, I assumed that he jumped to the conclusion that I was threatening to cut him off.
To my pleasant surprise, I found it worked just as well later when I had no material hold on him. He actually did move himself and all his stuff out of the county, even though he had a side relationship with a woman in the next town. My theory is that he is such a schemer that he assumed I was as good at it as he was. And he assumed that I could use the same methods he did to discredit, sabotage and take advantage of other people’s weakness.
Since then, I’ve used variants of “or you won’t like the way it comes out” in a number of different situations, and it pretty much always works. The nice thing about it is that you can say it the most nonthreatening way — wide-eyed and smiling or looking really caring and concerned. You don’t have to be angry. In fact, I think it’s more effective if you’re not angry.
I never answer any questions, like “What do you mean by that?” Except to shrug or say “you never know” or “let’s wait and see.”
Before I got to this, I used to daydream up complicated revenge and sabotage scenarios. More for my own amusement than anything else. I’m not a revenge-y kind of girl. But some of these daydreams were so funny that I still think about them and chuckle.
But this is much, much better. Keeps my karma clean and let’s them stew in their own paranoia.
Again thanks for your wonderful work, Mel, and the generosity of your sharing. I look forward to reading more.
Kathy
Kathy,
Glad to see you back on LF!!!!!!
Your vague threats method was also what I used with my X BF who I knew had burned down the house of one of his previous GFs….nothing “illegal” (it IS illegal –terroristic threatening–to threaten to kill or harm someone) about saying “you won’t like the way it turns out.”
Again, Glad to see you back Kathy, and hope you are doing well! Love Oxy
Hi Oxy, nice to see you too.
I’m just flashing through. On multiple deadlines, and I dropped into for a break. Lots of new names, I see. Glad to see all these people healing.
Love to you too —
Kathy
I have been taken to court by the spath repeatedly, harassed by his current wife etc. I am only interested in my children and in view of that I have filed for my daughter under the children’s act UK. For all those out there, who like me have to ‘co-parent’ (that is a laugh, he has seen neither of his children in years or paid maintenance), I have now exercised my legal rights on behalf of my daughter as follows. I take no pleasure from this, but hope that justice will be served again. He has of course not separated from the current wife, all lies, but unfortunately if you lie under oath, you should expect it to come back and haunt you, especially if documented by way of a judgment by a Judge. My daughter will go to university to read Physics in October, the jealousy and vindictiveness of spaths is breathtaking. Both of these spaths will also be arrested for child abuse later this year.
It takes many years for a spath to hang themselves, but you do eventually get there, as they always give a tell and think they can get away with it. If I do not get confirmation of his address I will expose him by way of his own lies documented in a court judgment. To catch a thief you have to think like one, to expose a spath, you use every bit of evidence, accumulate for years and then exercise extreme caution, and use every legal avenue, as we know they are pathological liars with no shame or remorse.
This is how my next chapter begins, starting with lies under oath by the spath himself, and no the judge did not believe a word he uttered, hence she put its lies in the judgement. I have up to now, done the NC, but this is a court order. Form E is a sworn declaration of your finances, you are warned that if you lie you could go to prison. The spath is incapable of even filling in a form, sections he does not like, he removes those and renumbers the pages, because he thinks no one will notice, or he simply does another version ….he is thick, deluded and sick; all to avoid child maintenance.
Hugs and good wishes to everyone, hang on in there, my letter below to the spath is of course tongue in cheek, but given he is an idiot he will not get it!!
Mr xxxxx xxxxxx
20th August 2011
1 Hungerford Road
Bath
BA1 3xx
Dear Mr xxxxx,
You have failed to respond to correspondence and therefore you are now in receipt of the court order to file with me your Form E by the 30th September 2011, and with Bristol County Court by 4pm on the 21st October 2011.
Please now indicate when your Form E will be available. I ask that this being the third time, that you do not edit out sections and renumber pages of your sworn Form E, you file only one version of Form E, that you provide truthful, complete and full disclosure, that you file your Form E by the due date as per the court order and you come to court mindful that these proceedings are solely about your monetary contribution for my daughter’s tertiary education, as per recital I of the Consent Order.
Your Form E is to include but not limited to:
• The income, assets and liabilities of Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx including income from her inherited rental properties; flat x, xa, number x and x Locksbrook Place Bath.
• Evidence of your separation from Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx in August 2010 by way of a separation agreement, decree nisi and/or absolute; you will recall you claimed your alleged separation under oath as documented by Judge xxxxx in her March 2011 judgment.
• Your expected monetary settlement from your divorce of Ms Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx.
• The income from the xxxxxx family partnership.
• Evidence of your real current address and rental agreement.
• Your income and HMRC self-assessment forms.
• Your bank statements (company and personal) in full and credit card statements.
• Details of your current contract.
You are only to correspond with me by post, under no circumstances are you to visit my home or contact either of my children. In the event that you fail to provide evidence of your address by post within 7 days of the date of this letter, I will seek confirmation from other agencies.
I remind you once again, that this application is for the monetary benefit of my daughter which you were forewarned of in Bristol County Court on the 30th March 2011. If it helps, Dr xxx commented your behaviour and that of Ms Txxx/Sxxx/xxxx towards the children is the worst he has ever encountered in 17 years; your blatant lies extreme and insulting to anyone with a modicum of intelligence.
Yours sincerely
Mrs xxxxxxx
CC: Bristol County Court
Dear Movingon,
Good luck!@.......
MovingOn,
you always inspire me. Turnabout is fair play. Go get justice.
I see exactly what you mean about his PD. He is predictable, he digs his own grave. This guy has the spath PD really bad. Sorry you had to experience it. ((hugs))
Kathleen Hawk –
HA HA HA! I love what you wrote!
I love your strategy of some vague threat. That is absolutely hysterical!
We need more of that on here! Actual things we can do that move the needle in our favor.
Next time my spath pings me – I’ll have to decide if it’s NC or if it’s some form of, “I am not participating in this any more. Leave me alone. If you don’t, you’re not going to like how things turn out”.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
Burn in hell, spath!
Superkid
I SO agree that if you have to make a “threat” it needs to be VAGUE, don’t let them know what your REAL plans are, the vague threat is much more “threatening” because they don’t know which direction to watch for the onslaught. Specific threats are NOT a good idea.
Yes vague threat are spot on, like my letter regarding its real address i.e. ‘I will seek confirmation from other agencies’.
In this case, I will write to his landlord (Land Registry UK, gives name and address of owner) with a copy of his high court writ stayed for non payment of child maintenance, evidence of the 4 other addresses he has used in the last 12 months including a letter to a Judge giving yet another address!
My reason of course is to ensure the courts can send him his court orders as he has failed to respond and I am ‘desperate’. Past behaviour is an indication of future, so fingers crossed he won’t respond as normal and then perfectly legal to make my enquiries.
Spaths hate to be exposed with ‘proof’, difficult to lie your way out of when you don’t know what the other side has by way of evidence. Easy when you realise just how extreme their lies and deceit are.
Agree with the “Veiled threat” tactic. It’s amazing how paranoid they are. Recently my voice mailbox was full. I suddenly got a flurry of text messages. “I see your saving your messages”… ect.
I know he’ll be driving himself nuts trying to remember what incriminating threat he might have left on my VM. lol!
It’s also good, if you have a few little things he doesn’t realize you know about him, that you can casually mention. Then they think you know, a LOT more than you do. Makes the “you won’t like the outcome” thing even more potent.
We should start a “Hints, Tips and Cheats” page for navigating spathdom…