Researchers have found that a pulse of the brain hormone oxytocin—instigated by a soft touch or caress—enhances trust, and a squirt of testosterone makes people more skeptical.
Although this article doesn’t address it, these hormones have implications in dealing with sociopaths. The predators instinctively seem to know that proclaiming their love for a target, and getting the person into an intimate relationship, makes the target more likely to trust them. And then the sociopaths go to work as exploiters.
Read She doesn’t trust you? Blame the testosterone on NYTimes.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Interesting. I think birth control bills also suppress testosterone absorbtion. I wonder how that affects things.
It is interesting, especially in light of the article Dr. Leedom published here a year or so ago about oxytocin. (*the bonding hormone) because sex (in a normal person) causes “bonding” feelings between two people but psychopaths have fewer receptors for the oxytocin than normal people, so though they may have the same amount of hormone, it doesn’t have a place to “connect to.”
This article showing that testosterone decreases trust (women also make small amounts of testosterone) might be the reason that more men seem to be psychopaths than women. It also might account for the fact that many young men who ultimately become psychopaths don’t do so until puberty when they get the BIG rush of testosterone. (my P son blossomed as a psychopath at the same time he rapidly grew a fully beard and had to start shaving.)
While I don’t think our hormonal state is 100 dictator to our actions, it does I think make some directional pushes in our attitudes.
I took the some of first birth control pills that came out during the 1960s—back when they were HIGH DOSE and I became a shrew—did clear up any pimiples I had though—but I decided I didn’t like the way they made me feel, so stopped them and got two kids 17 months apart!
I have taken care of young women who stroked from BC pills, but it is rare, but Ii also know that without them, more women would die in child birth so it is sort of a mixed bag. I still think the CATHOLIC BC pill works well, though. It is a vitamin pill held between the knees very tightly. Works great but most women don’t like it! LOL
Donna, thank you for this article!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Indeed, spaths seem to be able to hone in on this theory and use it to their advantage. The ex spath would often lay his hand, physically, on another person’s arm or render physical touch inappropriately. Someone once remarked to him that they didn’t want him touching them, and he complained that he was only trying to demonstrate that he wasn’t a threat!
Makes sense .. in that mine was always prefessing his love for me, flowers, chocolate, and doing things for me.. yet I had no sexual attraction towards him.. I would cough when he would kiss me.. Nothing phyical felt easy and natural with him.. He would always touch me.. and be too close to me.. not in that natural way that lovers do, but in a contrived way. His touch did not comfort me, make me feel trust or safety.. it actually was irritating most the time. I thought that something must be wrong with me. He was handsome, attentive ( too attentive) and pursuing me, but something felt off.. it was too much, too soon and it felt strange… I liked the companionship and help around my house.. but he was setting it up for him to move in with me.. he claimed my house as his.. and he had nothing to do with it but to hang art, etc… he actually hindered my full enjoyment of my new home.. because he was intruded himself into my life and I allowed it .. but it was like he was taking over my life.. I was at an exciting time.. and he liked the energy of it..
And when I look back, I have so much resentment of him… it was all about him and his agenda.. and he did help me and appeared so kind and sweet but he was reaping rewards off my energy, my excitement, my life.. my purchasing things for my new home.. that he claimed as also his.. while he did buy some things.. it was mostly all me.. and I spent more since he was with me.. like he was an encouragement for me to just get what I wanted.. while I am a conservative person.. I got caught up in the energy.. lost myself.. in ways..
Now, I am going on with a nice Dr. and I freak inside when he takes my hand or hugs me or tries to kiss me and he is not moving too fast.. just normal…He has his own home and is established in the community .. so he is not after me for a home, etc..
But I am damaged from the last ordeal.. I told him a bit a about it.. and he said oh, my gosh.. he was setting you up as wife, mother and to fit his mold.. he saw that by me just telling him a bit..
I need to get past that guy to go on with my life …
although, the awareness of it all is wrapped around me like a self-protection.. but I don’t want to dump what he was onto a nice person..
Style1, the spath son would give me the absolute creeps whenever we hugged or he touched my hand. At the time, I had no idea why I was responding so violently to his physical touch, and knowing what I do now explains it. I was physically recoiling from the touch of a viper.
It’s our innate knowing taking over.. to protect us..
At times, mine’s hand actually felt like claws.. and his touch hurt.. just his nudging me to look at something.. I have never had this reaction ever before .. it was a strange feeling.. yet.. has his touch felt this way, his words were full of compliments, spirituality and love, love, love…
The man I am seeing now, is a bit awkward in his approach.. which is appealing in ways.. but when he takes my has he has done once in a couple of weeks of seeing each other.. internally, it takes me back to that ‘captured’ feeling that I felt with the agenda-filled socio.. the forced, love me, love me, marry me, marry me, you are my soulmate, I have been looking for you all my life, suffacation that I felt with him…
Geez.. I want to release this negative impression on me while keeping the wisdom.. although, I believe that I have the wisdom innate to my being… I felt the wrongness of it.. but wasn’t sure for a bit what I was feeling.. what I was feeling was insincerity.. con… corruption, and act.. making something what he wanted it to be and not really caring about me.. it was a ACT!
Style1, I’m grateful to know that my physical repulsion wasn’t due to something being “wrong” with me. Your description of recoiling from the insincerity and corruption is very helpful, quite frankly! It was very hard for me to put into words when I would try to describe this physical reaction. How can a mother be repulsed by physical contact from her own offspring??? So, certainly, I came to believe that there was something wrong with me.
Yes, yes, YES……insincerity and corruption. A viper’s venom.
Style and Buttons:
Great point!
I have always had the same reaction with my mother.
As a youn teen, I remember thinking it was because I was adopted…..
She always kissed me goodnight….came in to my bedroom. It repulsed me….I thought it was me. She never kissed me on the cheek or top of the head or lips……it was a CHIRP in my ear! My ears rang and it hurt…..but it was her showing affection…..and it ‘must have’ been me who was avoiding intimacy.
I don’t ever remember her hugging me. And my father was a complete steel post. No hugs or kisses. Maybe a pat on the back if I scored a goal in soccer…..but that was HIS reward….Oh….your EB’s father…..
It wasn’t until my kids said….why does Gramma chirp in our ears, that I recognized this behavior.
During my years with spath…..at one point I thought about it and thought…..damn, am I an intimacy challenged person? Is it me?
I hug friends….genuine, heartfelt hugs. I have kissed and hugged others with pleasure….and I love to hold and cuddle my kids…..and I ALWAYS kiss them goodnight.
But….I too went through periods of questioning myself….
And I don’t think it’s me.
Thanks for bringing this up!!
It is confusing.. in that, years ago, I was in a sexual harrassment lawsuit.. and what I was put through made me feel so shut down and cold that it was horrible.. and I met a man that I worked out with and lived near me and we became close and I was threatened by the man that sexually harrassed me and this man felt like protection.. in fact, he slept at my house, all night one night in his suit from work..
After while, he made advances to me and I told him that I was broken. He laughed and said no you aren’t, and with time and his kindness and sense of fun.. I got my zip back.. and we had a fun, fulfilling romance.. then he moved away and I cried and cried.. but then I met a man within like four days and this man I fell really in love with and him me.. and we took it slow getting into it sexually.. as in he tried and I delayed.. until I was ready and then it was great..
Just before this last man I had an affair with a long time friend after about five years of nothing and it was very sexual and fun for me.. I was just breaking up with him ( he was too young and in other ways was not fulfilling to me)when I met this last socio.. so I thought that I would slow him down and eventually feel something sexually for him.. but it got worse instead of better… he kissed like a lizard..
I have never been with anyone that kissed so gross.. but I still thought it was me…that I was broken again.. too much heart brake and disappointment..
But no, had I attached to this man sexually, it would’ve been devastating for me.. Little about him made me feel safe or secure.. as soon as I would feel good.. something would occur.. like I would disvocer that he was about to be evicted.. I found that out, the day that he moved the last bit of his furnture over to my house.. I felt devastated, used, lied to by omission …. I have had involvements that ended and they hurt but they were fun while they lasted.. they just weren’t supposed to last.. and I mourned a bit.. but I have not had something effect me as this last one.. as he infused himself into my life.. even met my family.. I haven’t introduced anyone to my family in over 15 years… We looked the part but it was not real.. and now, I feel really damaged.. not like something that breaks up, you mourn and go on.. this is like it jostled my insides in a way that is bizarre…
Because he tried to appear so perfect and match me so well and in ways he did and we did have a kind of compatibity.. but no sexual attraction to him on my part and he is a handsome man…and we made an attractive couple..
It is confusing to me…
I want to feel passion again but for the right person and in a safe framwork of trust..
Sure, you can have a love affair.. with intentions of it being only that .. but I am past that …. in my life…
I want security in emotions..
And I did put some emotions into this last man.. he convinced me to.. then when it blew up.. he is gone.. and I mean gone.. in another state and I am left with the memories of him in my house.. and I still on occasion miss him..
The only thing was like an emotional rape to me… and I didn’t realize how affected I was by it.. and how closed down I am .. and how distrusting… even of just a nice guy…wanting to date me.. I look at him like.. why are you holding my hand…
My experience with a sociopath, and the more I learn the more I am convinced this is the case with him, is that the sociopath is cold and untrusting, albeit charming, consistent with high testosterone.
However, they can appear to be tender. Thus, the normal person bonds while the sociopath remains unmoved.