Researchers have found that a pulse of the brain hormone oxytocin—instigated by a soft touch or caress—enhances trust, and a squirt of testosterone makes people more skeptical.
Although this article doesn’t address it, these hormones have implications in dealing with sociopaths. The predators instinctively seem to know that proclaiming their love for a target, and getting the person into an intimate relationship, makes the target more likely to trust them. And then the sociopaths go to work as exploiters.
Read She doesn’t trust you? Blame the testosterone on NYTimes.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
I will post my full story soon, I’m just too tired right now to go over it and it’s a story I’m afraid we all know, all too well. I’ve long since known my x is a sociopath. We have a 3 year old son together and so I cannot have no contact. My son has begun to show some characteristics and I naively still believe at times that I can make a difference. I am proved wrong and land on my face time and time again. The point that I am at now, which is causing me great concern, and I’m up late as we speak worrying about, is that I recently told him that he is a sociopath. I sent him a message with a list of traits. I don’t know what I was expecting but what I got was, of course, no response to that. He seems even more cold and calculated since then, it was just about a week ago. He has our son this coming weekend. Have I made a huge, irreversible, mistake? I now realize he will probably use this as leverage to become more manipulative and conning. I am really beating myself up. I was just hoping that in learning this, he would stop his behavior in front of our son so that he doesn’t model his dad. I need some advice. Should I … well I don’t know what it is I’m looking for here, I am just worried that I’ve added too much fuel to the fire. Please, help!
gonetoofar
Well knowing what I know now I would not confront him with it. Why would you tell a sociopath they are a sociopath and give him a list of symptoms ? is it because at some level we hope they will say ” thanks for telling me that, I am horrified, I will go and get help immediately darling” THEY WILL NOT EVER DO THIS because they do not see it as a problem and he would not see your son the same way you do.
He is torturing you now with the ‘silence’ back, and it is working…the symptoms are NO CONSCIENCE, NO REMORSE, NEVER ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR CRIMINAL ACTIONS
Youve just show him that you have SEEN THROUGH his MASK and
that is showing him the deck of cards, please keep them close to your chest because these people are cunning, clever and can drive you crazy so they can then say to others…”she is a crazy woman, what can I tell ya…look at her, listen to her”
The P’s sister was the only person who believed me when I told her I thought her brother was a P …she agreed and began telling me horror stories from growing up with him. I asked her why she didn’t warn me, she said well would I have believed her? (NO..the P told me she was a liar, crazy and he hated her) she also thought maybe this time he really is in love? she wasnt sure…..anyway it sure did me good to meet with her a couple of times to talk, and I also met with an ex of his who seemed very concerned about me and wasn’t surprised he robbed me in the end, she told me I would never get anything back from him..he does not care.
My own family of origin (parents, sister, brother) do not believe me to this day. My son (child from a different relationship) does not believe me, he thinks I’m just bitter because I didnt get what I wanted. None of my friends get it, thats why talking with them is actually more damaging as they try and convince me to ‘just forget about it’
No one helped me go to police, have him stopped, or even offered to ‘come with me’ as I tried to handle a complete nightmare on my own at a time he was volatile and highly dangerous. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS UNTIL HE MURDERS SOMEONE NO ONE LISTENS
So play it really clever back, keep control by feeding him bullshit and try to plan an exit strategy, find support, educate yourself here on LF decide what it is YOU want to do….because at the end of the day this is about YOUR LIFE as a woman and a mother to your son. NOT a counsellor to your sociopath….he will chew you up and spit you out…unless you are on the end of his “hook”
telling a psychopath he is a psychopath is like telling a shark he is a shark…they will just look back and think you are a complete moron and really should belong in a mental assylum…YOU ARE THE DEFECTIVE ONE…never them. Listen to your gut about your sons visit with him this weekend….what are you feeling about it ?
The P that I had the misfortune to meet was extremely ‘tactile’ with me hand holding, snuggly, spooning whilst asleep, hair caressing, calm steady attention, tender kisses, little funny faces, pet name (love) cups of tea….it was a pleasure fest of oxytocin for me…it also triggered feelings of ‘trust starvation’ when I was younger, this would manifest as worried I would ‘lose’ this supply of something I craved at some level…, heightened childlike feelings as I (unconsciously) developed a dependency on the touch…He must have picked up on this and really honed in on it….I can only see this now…he really had me reeled in with this touch thing, I can honestly say it is the most potent and dangerous thing for me in relationships. I lose myself in the need for strokes, stroking, tender love…it’s different to sex, it’s a much more child like need for parental touch. Sad….ah it’s sad. jesus why can I see all these fecking things…that make me sad…BUT!!!!!
Time to address the touch starvation thing…by first becoming aware of it. Then trying to ‘fill’ the need ‘myself’ so I am not on the end of someones hook trying to ‘get it’ from out there. I have to get it from in here. From me. it’s a hole inside that I need to fill….and in the next relationship (if I ever have one) I will not skip over the time it takes to trust someone FIRST…but the touch is so seductive, and so hypnotic that it’s dangerous for me…hugely. So where is the testosterone, i’ll have three bottles please.
Bulletproof,
Thank you for your response. You really validated what I already knew was true. I did it because I was hoping that he would at lease cease and decist this behavior in front of our son. I have no choice but to let him go every other weekend, it’s in the custody order. He really loves his dad and he is definately susceptible to the behavior and I am working pain stakingly hard at trying to ensure my son does not grow up to be a sociopath. You’re right it feels like it’s me against the world here. My mom is the only one that really understands. I’m sooooo glad I found this website. He told me yesterday that before our son is 18 I will be in his shoes (he was talking about custody) so I better watch out. This stemmed from me telling him he was wrong (of course) for promising our son a trip to Disney for the past 4 or 5 months and now that they are supposed to go in less than a month he has suddenly realized he cannot afford it. I am devastated for my son. He is picking our son up today for gymnastics (I try to co operate with sharing so that he cannot portray me in court as withholding – it’s such a constant battle) and he is going to tell him today that he is not taking him after all.
I’m sure he plans to lie and twist it around when he tells him. The truth is, he thought his mom would bail him out with money like she has in the past but he just asked her and surprise, she is not funding his trip to Disney. Now my son has to suffer the consequences. He has also (many times in the past) sent my son home “hating” me. He hasn’t done it as much in recent times I don’t know if he is doing it less (there is a new girlfriend around) or if my son is becoming less responsive. There have been times when my son will come home and he won’t tell me he loves me or even really talk to me. He will cry constantly and tell me his dad told him to do that. I’m afraid that now that I have sent him the message I will get my son back in that condition again Sunday night. Like I said, barring packing up and moving and changing our names, I have no choice but to send my son there every other weekend.
If anyone else has any advice for me I really need to know how to combat this as I fear it is only going to get worse (and it’s already been so bad it seems to be rock bottom until it gets even worse – I am surprised again and again) and I really need advice on handling this for the remainder of our lives! Or until (and I pray it works out this way) our son sees the truth – I will not bash his dad to him, I just pray he will see for himself eventually…
Bulletproof,
I’m rereading your response, it’s the most real advice I’ve ever gotten on the subject and I discovered he was a sociopath (and what a sociopath even was) over 2 years ago. We split when my son was 5 months old and he’ll be 4 in September but of course he has used our son to make my life a living hell ever since. I wonder if you have any specifics about what you mean by feeding him bullshit and how to handle him.
I’m sorry even your family doesn’t believe you. I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your position. I have told about 4 or 5 people, friends and family, and they all believe me but just don’t have much to offer in the way of any real advice.
I guess only people who have dealt with this first hand and recognized what they are dealing with and educated themselves on how to deal would really know how to handle it. I really just hope to safe guard my son as much as I can. As far as an exit strategy, I’m stuck here for the next few years because he is going to give me such hell when I move I have to have all my ducks in a row. I am finishing college and plan to have a picture perfect life to move on to because I am sure I will have to make many appearances in court to defend my position and be able to take my son.
You are absolutely right about him portraying me as being crazy. He already does that and he does bring the crazy out in me. At least he frustrates me so bad that someone on the outside looking in may see me as the crazy one since he can remain calm when he wants to. Sigh. This is rejuvenating to have someone who understands but exhausting to rehash all of this as well.
gonetoofar
it’s tough on your son to be in the middle of such a serious dynamic between you and your husband, he will feel ‘torn apart’
I just imagine a world where the powers that be ‘hear’ that there is a suspicion of sociopathy and that your husband would be obliged to undergo an assessment that would render him outside the possibility of “custody” if he comes up sociopath/psychopath/narcissist
Why is there no intelligence around the whole area of custody, visitation rights, supervised and un supervised access to a small vulnerable child? I am so upset about this, because there is NO -ONE where it counts taking notice and realising it’s dangerous for a child to be at the mercy of a sociopathic parent….
YOU have to combat this using your felt sense, intuition,, bravery and ACTION by going to the relevant authorities and reporting your fears, evidence, and your wishes as his mother….what would be best for him?
it seems that you are caught between a rock and a hard place…because you are doing all the right things in relation to the custody order but it is like no one has copped on this guy is a SOCIOPATH ans is quite simply DANGEROUS and of course the father of your son….
you will not bash his dad, but look at how he is returned to you after a visit….letting him down, twisting the truth, sent him home hating you, it is heartbreaking that your son came home and cried constantly….what must the little fella feel inside him? he is only 3 and its unlikely he will see anything but confusion and pain.
I hope you can get the court to judge this situation again, review it in the light of further information, have another look at least…keep fighting for your boy, and reassure him everytime he comes home upset, tell him he is ok now, you love him, care about him, hold him and let him know you are not going to rip him apart in a battle between you and your sociopathic ex. best best best of luck
and on the “crazy woman” thing just replace that with “concerned parent of a 3 year old child” there is not a person out there that will not understand that…often we go crazy if our children are threatened or in danger….combat this sociopath with the community support systems and do not take vagenuess, doubt, and a pat on the head as an answer!!
what I mean about feeding him bullshit is…to perhaps “play the game” with him, GIVE UP BATTLING him, but get smart in the sense, you surrender to ever getting this man to understand you, repsect you etc. and from there it’s just a chess board of moves towards YOUR GOAL…so in a sense you get as crafty as him and when you know he is “hurting” you you do not let it show, and when he spins you a line that is designed to “keep you in your box and on his hook” you might play it out so that he thinks he “still has you at his beck and call” and then in the background you work out a plan…
And finally, I just read through this actual post, and I am floored! I, too, was never attracted to my x spath. He said I was his muse, he tried to be all over me, etc and I, too, was repulsed!!!!! I think I will learn SO much from this site. My placement of my above posts may be a little out of place, I just wanted to put it out there on something recent so that I could get some feedback. Wow. I thought there was something wrong with me, too. Amazing how our stories, albeit different, are so similar!
I may repost my other questions elsewhere if they would garner more attention there, any suggestions?
My son keeps whining and saying he’s upset because I a. won’t let him go to the pool (we were at the pool for an hour) and b. won’t let him fly on an eagle. I think that his dad may have actually resorted to telling him that he isn’t going to disney because I won’t let him. But then again he hasn’t even mentioned it so I don’t even know if he told him at all and I don’t want to be the one to bring it up…this is so emotionally draining and it makes me so angry and hopeless and disgusted so weak and so strong all at once. When do we learn to deal?
Please don’t rely on your child for the information…..it is NOT your child’s problem…it is between two adults and the child is in the middle….thinking and guessing is not good enough…find out and deal with it adult to adult…not through an innocent, helpless child who deserves nothing but protection FROM the emotional drain…wishing you all the help in the world