The truth about sex and sociopaths

“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”

After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.

Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.

Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.

But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.

Rating sex with sociopaths

People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.

For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:

Sex with sociopaths

  • Extraordinary 30%
  • Satisfying 15%
  • Dissatisfying 6%
  • At first satisfying, later dissatisfying 30%
  • He/she was satisfied; I was not 12%
  • Abusive 4%
  • Not applicable 3%

In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.

Why sociopaths are hot in bed

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.

All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.

Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.

So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.

No feelings of love

You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.

First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.

Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.

Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.



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Hi, I’ve never written about this before. I am ashamed. I was friends with this guy from work. Just calling on the phone, him telling me about his wife who was in and addiction centre he was left with his small son, we got on really well. She came out of rehab and abandoned him and his son only seeing the child when she felt like it. So he said. We chatted like this for about a year and then I began to have feeling for him. We met up, had sex which was fantastic, this went on for about 6 months and I fell in love. He said he did to, but nothing changed. I was never introduced to his family or friends, we would always go away where no one could bump into us. Anyway, this went on and on. Two years! I’d leave and go back. Nothing ever changed. On the 6th of Feb this year I got a phone call in work from one of his work colleagues saying that he was sick and that his wife was up all night with him, and she being due their second baby!! I couldn’t hear or breathe, I called him and he said “Yeah” when I confronted him. I left then and there. Was so strong. No contact. 3 months I cried and pulled myself back to some sort of sanity. Then the mails started, and I caved and met him for coffee. He said the child wasn’t his, he was leaving her (even though she was still living with him) I fell for it, then had sex with him again. But I can’t do it. I’ve crossed a line I never thought I would. I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve tried the no contact but I always unlock him, I never initiate contact, but always reply. I feel strong enough to handle him. But I’m not. Please help me.

There are the 3 D’s- Don’t see him. Drink water and Do something else. It would be good to post a topic for feedback.


It sounds like you have come to understand that he lied to you and manipulated you. Spaths often leave their victims feeling shame, but the truth is that they choose shameful evil wrong behavior. You did not know he was lying; therefore you believed him. It sounds like you have taken steps to get away from him since you recognized that he is not who he said he is, and that he is harmful to you. Victims often go back to the abuser when he feigns remorse and makes false promises. It took me a long time to finally get it that my ex psychopath never cared, lied about everything, and just wanted to use me.

It sounds like you know that getting away from him is the best thing you can do for yourself. You sound like a strong person to have been successful in not contacting him for 3 months despite the painful grief you experienced. Betrayal is unbelievably painful. It’s a horror that someone could be so heartless and evil.

It sounds like you know that you are successful in not contacting him. It sounds like you know your weakness is likely to be when he contacts you. With a good understanding of your goal (maintaining no contact) and your potential weakness in caving when he contacts you, you can choose some strategies to avoid caving, like the things Sunnygal suggested. Not having any contact protects you from being harmed by him, which is what will always happen if you do allow him access to you. Blocking his number, changing your number, changing your email, are things you can do so that you will not even know whether he is trying to contact you. You will get your power, your life, and yourself back. Spaths tend to cycle back to their former victims, even years later, to see if they can exploit them for something they want. You might plan ahead what you will do if you see him in a public place somewhere, or if he does manage to get through to you.

Here’s some links to information that may help you maintain no contact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4uKGp_qvPE

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