In Trenton, New Jersey, a 15-year-old girl sold her 7-year-old stepsister to a group of men and boys at a party for sex.
Read: Cops: N.J. teen sold stepsister, 7, for party sex on Msnbc.com.
In Wales, a 6-year-old was repeatedly stripped, sexually abused and physically assaulted by other children in her school.
Read: Horrific ordeal of girl, six, who was physically and sexually abused by 23 of her primary school classmates on Mail Online.
Links submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Thanks Oxy! You are absolutely spot on about everything in this sorry saga.I agree with everything you said, and you put it so well. Ive printed it out, to remind me NEVER to contact her! Regarding the bitterness, your probably right, I STILL harbour bitterness and anger at her wrecking my home and studio all these years ago. Im quite sure that if shed said.”Mum Im so sorry, I was a teenage idiot, id been drinking/on drugs,?didnt really know what I was doing. I know now how devastating this must have been for you. Im very very sorry.” But she has never ever acknowledged she did all these things much less said sorry for them.!!
I was gaslighted by her and her sister,{and my ex] for YEARS before I even knew about gaslighting.Ive just sent for a 2nd hand coy of the “Gaslight effect”.
Then when she married and had the 3 kids,I had to squelch down all these feelings of anger, hurt, devastation so deep, in order to get to see my GKs.
Its only really in the last year since finding LF and learning so much, that Ive finally ALLOWED these feelings to surface,and I know they HAVE to get out, I have to deal with the anger, bitterness,rage, hurt, etc., and its hard.
I now know Ill NEVER get closure from her, or her sister, or my ex.I have to make my OWN closure ,and the only way to do this is total NC.I KNOW allthis logically, but at times I still fell, the price is so high, perhaps not geting to see my GKs again.
Im so gratefull for our new Iranian “kids” who have brought so much love, fun, and hugs into our lives! Your right, spaths only use their kids to torture us with.I CANT go there, ever again, the price is way too high, even if the price is not seeing my GKs.Im going to try very hard, with Gods help to get the bitterness out of my heart. As Joyce Meyer says,” feeling bitter and angry with someone who has wronged you is a bit like drinking poison, and expecting the person who hurt you to die! I can forgive her, but I know Ill never ever trust her ever again.Thanks Oxy, if you can do it,so can I!! Love, and {{HUGS!}}, gem.XXX
Dear Gem, ((((GEM)))))
Honey I KNOW how hard it is to overcome that anger and bitterness and sometimes I let myself fall back into a boiling kettle of it, and I am the one that gets scalded like a lobster, not them.
I AM doing “better” but there are times when I slip, and I know it, but I keep on getting out of the pot of scalding water and trying to STAY out for a while longer. One day at a time. Joyce Meyer is right on that score, and a lot of others as well. That woman is nearly as cranky as I am! LOL
There is no way I can say I have the “formula” to let go of the bitterness and anger and have it stay gone forever, but I keep working on keeping it out of my life TODAY, just today. Sort of like an alky just not drinking for TODAY.
If I find myself throwing a pity party for myself I try to say, now, Oxy, you have so much to be thankful for why are you feeling so bitter/angry etc? Sometimes I can come up with an “excuse” for why—this didn’t go right, didn’t sleep well, or some other thing that really doesn’t matter. So then I can BOINK myself a good one and feel better!
I know you w ould like a relationship with your GK, but even if you paid your X-dtr by the hour to spend with them, she would find some way to torture them and you. THERE IS NO WAY she will ever allow you to have a relationship with them as long as she lives. That’s the truth, the facts, and the way it IS. What can you do to change that? NOT A DARNED THING!
So the only chance you have is to learn to get along with what IS, and quit grieving, being angry over, being bitter over the fact that YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.
It is not easy—my GREATEST DESIRE ever since I got my kids to 18 was to have grandkids, and I imagined how much fun these kids and I would have and they were REAL TO ME, and now, I will never have these kids in the flesh, and I know it. I grieved over it. But, in a way now I am GLAD I don’t have REAL flesh and blood grandkids to be tortured by the P-offspring or kept away from me by a P-DIL or my son C or whoever would use them to hurt me.
So, what can I do? I can enjoy other people’s kids and have fun with them, enjoy my friend’s GK and my step-great grandkids and I don’t have any REAL KIDS to grieve over and be sad over.
Lily did get to spend some time with some of her GK and it was so much fun for her, but still she missed out on a lot because of her X-P and her P-kids, but Gem, you and I can learn from her, we can quit hoping for something that is NOT going to happen. What we expect versus what we GET is what the problem is. If we don’t expect anything good from anyone even remotely involved with the P, then we can’t be hurt by not getting it. ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you sweetie! Love, Oxy
Hey everyone….I have just finished a fabulous book that has finally allowed me to put a name to what has happened to me repeatedly throughout my life … it is called “The Emotional Rape Syndrome”…I think that many of you would find comfort and validation and good advice as to how to become a survivor…you cannot heal what you cannot name or own…I don’t think I need to read another book again…I know who THEY are….how THEY operate, but now I know how and what happened to me and why it has taken so long to recover…I had to put a name to it…a must read and a talisman for those looking for succinct and compassionate answers that will hopefully help remove you from the false guilt many of us in this situation carry –which is by the way a form of denial on our part at times….blessings to you all!
Dear Glinderella,
CONGRATULATIONS on such a wonderful step forward! It is great when something jells with us and we can SEE the LIGHT!
TOWANDA for you!
glinderella
I’m happy for you! you say:
Comfort, validation, good advice…I need all of the above, so will be having a look..thanks for the information, it’s so important.
One thing that put me off the book was the P said HE FELT EMOTIONALLY RAPED By me!!! I was trying to get him to account for the truth and did some pretty hard core questioning… which he actually took on, and like a robot answered questions like a child trying to pass an exam…and he was just staring at me with a horrible look in his eyes that said ‘push me and I will destroy you’ I was suitably terrified and ran for the hills…..I will never forget his face, his look, it was calm couldn’t care less contempt- a horrible combination…he told me I was very intelligent at the end and I think if I hadn’t got that edge on him he would have squashed me like a bug.I just get so worried about what he could be doing now. I will never know. It’s terrible that I cant protect the people he has suckered in now.
OxDrover & Bulletproof-
Thank you for the encouragement and sharing…according to Michael Fox’s book, The Emotional Rape Syndrome, “Emotional Rape” is the use of a higher emotion of the victim by the perpetrator, ie, love- to fulfill a hidden agenda. Thanks for the Towanda Oxy..it is my very first!
Bulletproof – it sounds like your slick P felt cornered and then was honest with who he was for the first time…he bared his teeth…not with a deceptive smile but a fierce grimace…how crazymaking to be accused of what someone is actually doing to you! And no, you cannot protect his next victims…but hopefully this blog and others like us speaking up will soon become more mainstream. We seem to live in a time of increasing disregard for human decency and shame it seems to me.
I know it seems I read a lot….I guess I have been searching for answers at least in an intellectual way…the companion book I would say for “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” is by Beverly Engel and is titled: The Emotionally Abused Woman — this book helps one to understand how we may have been “programmed” or set up to be attracted to or by and blind to these types of disordered individuals who perpetrate these types of interpersonal, potentially life destroying crimes.
I used to feel guilty and sometimes still feel guilty about my own blindness or disbelief that such people who professed their love to me could mean me harm…but that guilt is said to be the form of denial of the victim…as we all know, the perpetrator feels nothing and it is their lack of conscience and empathy that allows them to stay in their form of denial that perpetuates their ability to perpetrate….how sad for them because at least there is hope for recovery for us…very little for “them”
Glinderalla………ah…………..the guilt. “If it was so bad, then why didn’t you leave?” I actually had a case worker for Adult Social Services say that to me, last year! I had contacted ASS with regard to the safety and well-being of my youngest adult child who is still in the care of my eldest spath son. I had been instructed by NDVH to contact the supervisor of my son’s case, rather than the case-worker, to discuss my concerns, and that was precisely what I did. The case worker called me at my studio (thank GOD there was a witness to the exchange) and began the conversation by asking, “Now, just what is so important that you felt the need to call my supervisor?” The call rapidly deteriorated into a 20-minute verbal assault by this guy and I’m not going to get into the details because it would take up too much space. Suffice it to say that I asked him, “Are you trying to blame me for my son’s sociopathy?” He shouted into the phone, “I CAN blame you and I DO blame you!” I disconnected and was comlpetely hysterical for the next half hour. At no time during this “conversation” did he “allow” me to address my concerns about my eldest son – it was all about the spath being a “decorated combat veteran” and questioning my “patriotism,” and such like.
Guilt is something that I learned that I do not have to accept, under any circumstances. Shoulda, woulda, coulda isn’t worth a fart in a windstorm. The choices that I’ve made were the best ones that I could at the time. Were they “wrong” or “bad?” Yeah, many of them were. But, they’ve been made and they can’t be unmade. Hopefully, I’ve learned something from my bad choices and decisions, and I won’t make the same errors, again.
I wanted to add that, at no time during the “conversation” was I “allowed” to address my concerns about my spath son. Rather, it was that I was attempting to assasinate the character of a “decorated combat veteran,” and that I was not “patriotic,” and so forth.
That whole episode was a deliberate attempt to force me to feel guilt, and I refused to accept it.
ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!! that translates into: rolling on the floor, laughing my arse off ’til my nose runs.
I am so tired that I edited the previous PREVIOUS post to include the previous information. Wow……
Buttons,
I read some where make sure guilt is coming from your own head, do not let anyone else put it on you. I have learned that, and yes, I do still feel guilty at times but only when I say I should. Then I try to learn the lesson and move on.