By | April 5, 2010 253 Comments

The marriage and the monster

Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:

I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S.  Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.

The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?

Range of behavior

One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.

Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.

The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.

The mask

Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.

The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.

The illusion

So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.

This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.

Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.

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All roads lead to here. The mask. This is the armor of a sociopath.

I cannot YET accept the wonderful year I had with a P was an illusion. I was beaming with radiance. My friends told me they had never seen me so happy. I was lit up. You could see it in the way I dressed, walked and talked. My son, (not of the P thank God) even said to me yesterday over the phone he had never seen me looking so happy as when I was in love with the P

I let the red flags ripple in the wind, I ignored every signal every warning because I was n love and bonding with the illusion deeply. If an illusion could make me feel so happy, then so be it. the contradictions build up and cause unbearable pressure on the mind, I would describe it as CRAZY MAKING, mixed messages always are :

I love you with all my heart. I am so happy with you and want to be with you forever- beleive it, because I know you NEED this in order for me to get right in and steal to my hearts content. I want your money, your body, your love, your delight and when you begin to go crazy, like they all do in the end, I will dump you because you are no longer any use to me. So move on and leave me alone to conquer my next fresh victim. Why do they all end up crazy? must be defective.

The experience of the mask slipping still gives me a fright inside. I get flashbacks of coldblooded moments where I saw the empty shell. No this cannot be happening was my mantra

You say:

Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.

This is so cruel to live through. My heart goes out to everyone living through it. it’s the equivalent of being fed psychological poison.

reconciling this starts with warm blanket. cup of tea. Lovefraud


Wonderfully succinct Donna.:)x

In response to what you said above dear Bullet:’I cannot YET accept the wonderful year I had with a P was an illusion. I was beaming with radiance. My friends told me they had never seen me so happy’.

I feel quite differently… I look back at how beside myself with ‘love’ and happiness I was at the beginning and see only a sort of induced insanity. a blissful loss of my mind and will. I was spell bound. Living in an illusion. and even at the time being ‘blissfully happy’ was exhausting. It grated and dragged at me. I shudder at the way I was, what I thought even if I did seem to be glowing with love.

I am trying to be mindful of when I feel happy right now, Intellectually i’ve always known that the ‘moments’ in our lives are where its at not the fanfares and parades, I got whammied. Maybe it tapped in to a childish dissatisfaction with the here an now that I have always struggled with. (High falooting mis-guided Romanticism … s/p’s favourite snack food!)

Happiness is smaller and more real than anything I got from ‘it’. The way I felt even in the honey moon phase is nothing like the deep satisfaction and ‘happiness’ I get from doing work I love, or watching my tomatoes and chillies grow, or receiving a hug from my children or in the quiet companionship of my good friend.

It IS so cruel to live through. Being poisoned… with a seemingly harmless psychotropic.


For many years, I thought that I was happily married, the marriage unravelling after my husband left his former business (where he had partners) and went solo. This move caused our family to have unfortunate experiences, leading me in the end to discover that my husband is a sociopath. All of the combined experiences “spoke” to me, alerting me to the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with this man. Living through all the upheaval hasn’t been pretty or easy, not a piece-of-cake for anyone. The emotional pain has been unbearable at times, but I am hopefully, getting better and stronger. I can see how the constant onslaught of havoc produced by the sociopath could cause a person to crack, the strain being tremendous. I am amazed that I’m still standing, somehow feeling sturdier because of what I have gone through so far, definitely wanting to avoid more bogus experiences.

Twice Betrayed

Donna is so correct! To reconcile this in our minds we MUST understand/accept the ‘good’ husband routine was only an illusion!! This is very difficult because all of OUR emotions are involved. The P knows the key to the con is getting our emotions involved. That’s why they move fast in the beginning. They are master manipulators of people’s emotions. They are academy award actors/actresses. The hardest part of the whole situation is realizing it was all a con/a lie. Just another role they played. But, once we do come to accept this…….then the healing truly begins. I would also like to point out: when we realize something is amiss with them…most of us set out to find the ‘real them’ and wind up staying WAY TOO LONG in the ‘relationship’. The answer we finally to come to…and usually after a large amount of damage has been inflicted upon us….is: there is NO real them. Was it lost somewhere along the line?…..I don’t think so…I think it never existed. Gotta know ‘when to fold ’em’ and folding ’em fast with these people is the key to getting out w/o being damaged more and more. The longer we stay, the more damage we receive. Theirs is a toxic world of lies/illusions and cons…even for themselves. Just imagine having no real sense of self! Pure hell to me!!



You say:

Happiness is smaller and more real than anything I got from ’it’. The way I felt even in the honey moon phase is nothing like the deep satisfaction and ’happiness’ I get from doing work I love, or watching my tomatoes and chillies grow, or receiving a hug from my children or in the quite companionship of my good friend.

aw that’s gorgeous, hey even better because its real! I so appreciate life just the way you express it. I have my beautiful cats and the sun shining through the window. Enough for now. THANKS!

Twice Betrayed

*Also, after the P lets the mask slip, which they do when they no longer need to maintain the con [don’t need us anymore] it leaves us scrambling to restore the ‘balance’. We don’t understand there is no balance. If we succeed in getting ‘balance’ we only get the P to restore the con and to do that…..the P has to need what we have. It works like this: P sees something they want in/from us. They move in with the carefully crafted con, work it on us, get us hooked, use us up, all the while having others lined up/conned, when we become exhausted or they find a more lucrative sucker, the mask comes off for us, the ugly monster is there, and we either walk or they do when we confront them. All part of the master game.

Twice Betrayed

I tell you what happiness is for me: No game going down….just peace and quiet!! SWEET!


Blueskies you said living in the illusion, even being “blissfully” happy, you were exhausted. AMEN! and well said.

And Bulletproof, there was a long time that my perception of things matched yours- thinking back on life with spath- I was in the best of life -happy, up beat, moving, OMG- I never stopped. Then I came to a realization, hit the wall , and that “manic” energy projected from the spath had a delayed draining effect that still is with me today- a few years later. The amount of sleep he deprived me from- his stayin up all hours with tv blarring! the obsession with gym workouts, trying to measure up to his ever raising bar, grr!
Not to mention the brain drain of being off balance, confused, and the constant emotional roller coaster-zapped my energy and alot of my inituative to do the things I love.
I have pretty much did the “work” needed to heal, have healthy relationships now, and a new freedom of knowing who I am, but dang it, that “jet lag” of post traumatic spath lingers. I guess that is one of the reasons I am still here on LF, beyond trying to encourage others &; being encouraged- I need to get back my mojo!!! Any ideas??


Hey Everyone…..I slept the entire day…till noon! lol I was so exhausted, so I went with it…even though I had alot to do in the house. I guess alot of driving can wear you down..up to North Jersey, into Manhattan, over to Brooklyn…back to NJ, then back to NYC..then home to the shore….then back up to Central Jersey to my brothers for Easter and then back home….OMG…miles and miles….lol
My mind wanted to do so many things in the house…but my body said NO. So, I listened to my body. Something I didn’t do for two years that I was involved with the socio….ugh!

The way to get back to “normalcy” is to keep busy doing things…and to RELAX. Read alot, cook some laundry, make plans to get out and see a movie…

For me, I want to get out walking and bike riding. Exercise is always good. Going to the local thrift store is fun too. Tomorrow I will get back on track. I have an appt at ten so I will be out…and once I’m out…I’ll feel better.

Finding new for me, Buddism is my new interest. Reading about how to be in the “now” and get rid of “FEAR” helps alot to enjoy each day.

Anytime I feel “fear” or “anxiety” coming on…I start listing things to be GRATEFUL for. I say to myself…”thank God for the time off from work right now…thank God that I have a little money to do things right now..thank God that I can still walk even if my knees hurt sometimes..thank God its nice outside..thank God my daughter’s ankle isn’t broken from her soccer injury…

These things ..I remind myself of…make me feel peaceful because things could be worse. I also thank God that I got away from the dysfunctional relationship and the awful “lows” I got being in it….not worth the “illusionary” highs.

I met up with my g/f and her longtime friend from high school. Her husband died within a year from cancer and she met a guy who was textbook socio. She married him after one year of dating and he made her crazy too. Finally, when she started to call him on things…lies…he got up and left abruptly! She fell apart.

She went for professional help and is going to meetings and buying some books I recommended…like The Betrayal Bond and The Power of Now. Once you get past the “trying to understand ” phase…then the Power of Now is really great.
It teaches you to not allow your mind to control YOU. YOU control your thoughts and when a negative thought comes up…you change the channel and think of a positive one. After don’t think negatively. You don’t let yourself go there. It takes effort…but it works to keep you feeling peaceful.

I tell everyone,…I don’t want to be ‘happy’….just peaceful first. So…thats the plan.

Beautiful day outside..on my deck…water is blue…enjoying the warmth of the sunshine on my back.


Jet lag…wow Sabrina, does that resonate (as does this article and all the other comments. I’ve suspected that beyond the stress of divorce there was something else, and long-term energy drain really hits the nail on the head. This helps me tremendously. I’ve always known I’m an introvert but when I was with the ex I even tested as extroverted on Myers-Briggs. And I’m so not an extrovert.

I can relate about the small moments of deeper happiness. No more dramatic highs and lows and ever-changing landscapes. I’m happy to watch the birds at the feeder. For that matter, I’m happy just to feel emotionally safe.

One of the ex’s parting shots was that I was an introverted, socially inept f*ck-up. Well if that’s what it means when I sit here alone and quiet in my sunny window seat, able to hear myself think, then so be it!


Tobe- thanks for reminding us about “normalcy.” The simple things in life truly are the most rewarding. I like the way you said that you thank God for all those things. Instead of swearing when I dont get that parking space I wanted, I make it a point to thank God for the parking space that I do get. I noticed that I seem to have alot of small blessings always coming my way. Change your mind, change your life, rite? 😉
Black”dear”- funny,I was always an extrovert- no question. NOW, I feel like an introvert in my ways. I still feel extroverted in the sense that I am energized most when around people, but my choices that seem to make me happy these days are staying home more, doing less. Thing is, this is not my most productive way to live. I realize that a spath can set you back for a long time, along with the fact that my 21 yr old son is a S also- which is draining, I still yearn for the high energy days and my goal is to claim those back for myself- and this time with no spath chasing my tail !


The Betrayal Bond came in the mail today and I can’t wait to start reading it. Work is over for the day-thank God. I hate working with sociopaths. There are a complete pain in my ass. They all act about 4 years old and I’m sick of the tantrums coming from old-ass men. I am the one in the room flipping them the bird behind their backs with both hands!!!


To Be Happy,

I got a lift reading your post about living in the NOW. Get into living fully (as much as you can) each day. We don’t know what the future holds. Your suggestions about how to overcome fear and anxiety are helpful, testing them out. Thanks.

Black Deer,

I am a quiet type of person, not an extrovert, appreciating the “simple things” in life. Happiness for me is living without drama, getting to a peaceful existence. I enjoy being with other people, interacting, but I am comfortable being alone.


Hi Erin,

There doesn’t seem to be a day that goes by where I don’t mistrust a man these days. Or woman as matter of fact. But men for sure. More often than not it’s because they are being really nice to me. My radar is screwed.

I ordered several books and was drawn to the Betrayal Bond after only reading a few chapters of The Sociopath Next Door. It seemed it wasn’t telling me much new so moved on.

WOW. Initially TBB was very helpful in explaining how and why we get so entangled with a sociopath because of our past betrayals and the extremes and traumas we go through with the S.

What I didn’t bargain for was the work I now have to do in uncovering more betrayals -even if not bonds- from my past. I suspect this is going to be even more difficult work as I work through the exercises in the book.

Recalling past events are bringing fear, shame and anger to the surface about these events that I thought I had moved beyond.

For example I was very proud of myself for standing my ground with the guy who told me to take my clothes off while he pointed a gun at me–even though I was extremely frightened. But now I am angry and embarrassed that I didn’t tell anyone or have him charged–although it would have been his word against mine. I didn’t tell anyone for almost 25 years!

My friend is treating me to a 3 day healing retreat this weekend–pending I can get work coverage. There are only 6 attendees. I am hoping to be lead through some past experiences so I can really begin to let go of my past and go forward with a healthy sense of esteem and not feel like I need to keep people away or have someone constantly beside me to protect me.

LF and the reading has proven to be a catalyst to going beyond where I have dared to go before.

I wish you all the inner strength and support you need to keep moving yourself forward too!


sabrina, your comments:

And Bulletproof, there was a long time that my perception of things matched yours- thinking back on life with spath- I was in the best of life -happy, up beat, moving, OMG- I never stopped. Then I came to a realization, hit the wall , and that “manic” energy projected from the spath had a delayed draining effect that still is with me today- a few years later. The amount of sleep he deprived me from- his stayin up all hours with tv blarring! the obsession with gym workouts, trying to measure up to his ever raising bar, grr!
Not to mention the brain drain of being off balance, confused, and the constant emotional roller coaster-zapped my energy and alot of my inituative to do the things I love.

I can’t believe how much this mirrors my own experience. All of it. Being here on LF gives me the validation that I know I will never get from my spath but thats ok, because being here reminds me that he is crazy and I am not.

Also, thanks tobehappy for the tips on the books. Reading always helps and input from you all is greatly appreciated.


Conomo-thanks. Good luck with the continued journey. I started to have stuff from my past come out recently and once I read this book it will get worse. I had already been warned by one of the gals on here that I talk to a lot. She benefitted from the book a lot. I am on the quest to learn why I keep falling for the same socio losers all the time. It sure ISN’T going to happen again.

I do feel a little hopeless sometimes that my dreams won’t come true, as far as finding the love of my life and having a baby with him. I am almost 38 and I just keep thinking of Mariska Hargitay-I love her so much. She didn’t get married until she was 40 or 41 and I think had her baby when she was 43. Hopefully I still have time left.

I hate being alone but it’s better than picking the WRONG person to avoid being alone. I am just trying to learn as much as I can and get everything the way it’s supposed to be. I am hitting the dieting and working out again because I HAVE TO GET BACK IN THE POLICE ACADEMY. It is the most important thing in my life!

I hope you enjoy your retreat and it provides some answers that you’re looking for.


The Betrayal Bond made me realize how and why I let so many disordered people into my life…in the hope of trying to get them to love me.And why….
It goes way back.
Byron LOVING WHAT IS…(another great book) says that “when you relinguish your need for LOVE, APPROVAL, and ACCEPTANCE from ‘out there’ will find peace within.

In other words…if you didn’t need love from anyone, (except yourself) and approval from anyone..(just approve of yourself just as you are) and acceptance ( just accept yourself)…then you will be peaceful and happy…because we can take care of OURSELVES. We don’t need anyone on the outside to validate that we are OK.

Then, the people you will let into your life will be honest, intelligent, stable people…who don’t need to manipulate you to get something from you..and keep you off balance…etc…and you won’t need to work so hard to get them to love and appreciate you. They will only ENHANCE your life…which is what healthy, true love is.

When we grow up in such dysfunction…we replay these roles as adults. We are kept “down”…not given self esteem…so we go through life feeling unworthy….hence, perfect targets to be used and manipulated.

When I did the exercises in TBB book, I didn’t even realize how sad, lonely, and worthless I felt as a child. And, it never went away….even though I was capt of cheerleaders…graduated top of my class…was the “favorite” teacher who could handle the roughest kids….it all meant NOTHING to me. Only temporary fixes. I still felt worthless inside…as I was made to feel as a child.

I always knew that this was a fact..that I wasn’t raised with love and support…but, I never realized how I attracted disordered people all of my life.

OMG….I just got a call from the xbf sociopath!!!! The last contact when we broke up was Feb 18th. I cannot believe my eyes on my cell phone!!!! Of course, I will not pick it up.

Come to think of it… every b/f I ever had…tried to come back with me after we broke up….and a few times I did go back. They were all sociopaths!

I went NC with this recent b/f…in the summer…for 3 months and then I finally caved and answered a text…he sucked me RIGHT back in.

Never again. I will NOT give him the “honor” of knowing me in this lifetime. I still can’t believe that the phone just showed his call. No message…..but, I’m sure its the start of the ‘contact’. I will have to block his number now.


Always when I finally feel good….closer to God…the devil tries to get in…….stay strong 2b!!!


tobe-I’m a little apprehensive about the book. I don’t want to upset myself again. I spent months upon months crying my eyes out over this man. I don’t want to be upset.


Erin, Yes I have had a string of them in my life too. I just put it down to bad luck, but have to admit I have been a vulnerable target who has been undermining her own destiny at times too.

Who is this Mariska? A gal that works for me had her first baby boy a year ago at 38. She looks fantastic and the baby is healthy and handsome too. One of those kids that looks like a little man already. It very doable, but yes probably good to be in shape first.

I make frozen yogurt in the store and decided this year I would offer frozen smoothies as an option–even further I I am going to offer a booster smoothie. Here’s the small poster I made up today:

Well that didn’t work. I guess because there was word art in it.

A great breakfast booster:
1 cup vanilla yogurt
(or plain and had a flavoured whey isolate)
30 grams whey protein isolate(best bio-available)
1/4 rasberries(any berry)
I add a scoop of phyto-nutrient powder as well — this could also be a berry antioxidant powder.
1 tbsp flax oil.

This is very yummy, will keep you satisfied and help you rebuild stronger muscle, especially important if you’re working out.

Make you strong to ace the academy!


conomo-thanks for that tidbit. Mariska is on Law and Order SVU. She is the lead detective Olivia Benson. She is daughter of Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay. She is gorgeous and one of those actresses who doesn’t feel like she has to be a skinny minny. She is a size 8 and is totally happy with that. She is so secure and gives of her self. She started a foundation for victims of sexual abuse and even got certified as rape crisis counselor-big role model for me.


Erin…don’t panic. You are still young. I panicked and married at 35…had my first at 37, one at 38 and the third at 40. I wish I waited. My g/f was 41 when she got married and had a child at 43. She looks so young. So…you have time. Don’t settle for someone for that reason. I understand your feelings though. You have 4-5 yrs. In this will meet someone normal and honest and loving. I just know it. Especially if you get the police job….maybe a lawyer or someone decent.
I’m going to be 53 in July! The dental hygenists, under those bright lights…guessed me to be 32 and 34!!! So…there’s still hope for me…lol I want to meet a good man, a companion to love and to love me…My girls are getting older..12,14,15. I sometimes feel like I won’t ever meet another man. But, someone once told me…you will only be alone if you want to.

I want to right now…I want to read more books,…get stronger…lose weight…get into shape. THose are my goals and until then…I have to take myself out of the arena to date.
I have faith that I will get what I need when I need it. It always works out. There’s a saying…”You have what you need and if you don’t have don’t need it”

So don’t have goals and direction and a great future ahead of you. Just work on you and keep in mind that someone is coming…when the time is right. That FAITH will carry you through each day. POSITIVE THINKING..ok?


Erin, Very cool indeed. Size 8 is by no means large in my books though. I’m 5’7.5 and where a 7 or 9. I think that’s acceptable. What is the name of the foundation? I’ll check it out online.


according to hollywood standards it’s larger because most celebrities are size 0 and 2 and 4. I was a size 8 all through high school and had a rockin’ body like Mariska but my bulimic sister was a zero and used to call me fat. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say now cuz I’m 80-100lbs overweight. I gained a lot after I quit smoking and due to stress and then the s’path. I put on 40lbs since he discarded me this time last year. I want to be back in that size 8 or a 10 cuz I’m big boned and barely 5’5”. I may be big right now, but I am NOT bulimic and anorexic like my two sisters and at least I don’t smoke anymore. That was worth the weight gain-quitting! Mys sister is 3 youngers younger than me and looks 10yrs older than me. I am also told that I look mid 20’s instead of mid-thirties. The name of Mariska’s foundation is the Joyful Heart Foundation!


To all…my story is sooo similar to many posted on this line. I married late ( I am older that my ex) and thought I had met my “prince”. I am the hopeless romantic. He turned out to be a stranger. Can’t even look at him. AND I was always so active, energetic, loads of hobbies BUT an introvert. I found that my ex was either extremely competitive with me or jealous of my interests and discouraging.

I too stayed in way too long but have found that time allowed them to mature and for me to influence our children on discernent and wisdom. Post divorce, their dad is now on smear of their mom…they are too old to buy it, Thank God.

I also now have the jetlag one year post divorce. Cant get my energy and does not help that menopause has begun! Tryng to exercise and enjoy life now.

It is wonderfully validating to read from other survivors! Bless all of you…

kim frederick

Where is everybody?


Hi Kim,
How are you and …How is the job search going?

kim frederick

Hi Wits. Well, I got a phone-call from an employer, saying he had hired someone else, but that he would be hiring again in two weeks and would call. Hopeful, I guess, but it feels like being put on the back-burner, or saved for a rainy day.

How are you? Have you heard anymore from your son, after his urgent plea to come home?

Hope you’re doing good.


Hopeful is good. Looking for a job sucks. My friend looked for 8 solid months, except for 2 weeks during xmas. She applied for jobs every week! She just landed a job but it’s part time, she was looking for full time. No benifits, less money….
It’s pretty tough out there.
I need to find a part time job to add to my income and can’t even find anyone hiring. I am not trained for much.

I saw my son briefly on Easter. He was pretty quiet.


they are not an illusion, they become our illusion, we open up with our dreams and desires like a book, they read the script and we are hooked – whats better than someone who loves everything we love, everything we want and do? – in a sense they become like a clone of ourselves – at some point it becomes weird like an echo, they become like parrot’s mimicing our every move , thot and desire. but only when they are by our sides, when we arent, they are empty illusionless predators looking for fresh humanity because they know they only have limited time before their emptyness is discovered – on and on they go, rinse and repeat – thats all they know, they never realize the prise they left behind because to them something bigger and better is always around the next corner or over the next hill. How fortunate we are to have a sense of self and the ability to regain our indentity after the encounter with such creatures…and we must protect our ‘books’ from actor’s looking for a new script.


We are expecting a storm and it has started lightening….So I will maybe not be on here long. I hate bad storms. We get so many of them at this time of year.

kim frederick

Well Wits, I’m glad you stuck to your guns and did not let him come back. The urgency was just a ploy, and apperently he’s still breathing, so he’s okay.

Are the storms where you live dangerous? I always kind of liked them. Exciting…Just like bad men. Maybe I should take a look at that.


Hi Witty – Kimmers it’s spring~! I like an occasional thunderstorm. I just hope I dont get any more freezing weather, last spring we had a late freeze that damaged all my japaneze maples and dogwoods and azaeleas, they looked bad all summer – they are just lush with new growth this spring, been painting my house on the outside a new color maybe a new coat of armour?

kim frederick

Hens, That is so true. People who don’t have anything to hide, are an open book. I used to think it was wise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth because I wanted to know I was liked/loved for being who I was. I have learned, now, to take my time divulging myself…it’s just good sense…Learning to discern who you can trust to go easy on your achilles heel…and who will discard you, immediatly, and who will use your weakness’ against you.


I like to think he realizes what he lost–he was not at any point to leave me “behind”–he was just enraged that he was being left behind–yet again.

The mimicking is true, but I think only because he had no real honourable traits to emulate before. When the predator came out he was like an exemplified extension of my bad traits.

That’s where I assume the projections, I guess.

Kim if I only have part time hours, but I would hire you. The traits I look for : honesty, conscientiousness and an ability to learn. You have those. Many people carry several jobs in the town I live in. Necessity dictates sometimes. I alway said I would pump gas if I had to…


Yeah the storms in this are can be pretty scarey. Tornados, and lots of storms that just have high winds and knock trees down and that affects power lines and we loose power sometimes.
I used to like storms when I was younger but now thay actually create anxiety…UGH.
A few summers ago I tried to beat a storm, I was driving home from the next town over. My son was home alone and I was really kind of worried as the storm looked really threatening.
Sky turned almost completely dark (like at night) but this was the middle of the day! I actually got caught in the worst part of the storm in the middle of two wide open farm fields driving…..SCARED the s**t out of me. I felt like I had NO control over the car and felt like at any moment it would be air born.
Since then my legs shake (I am not kidding) when the winds pick up and we have a bad storm.

kim frederick

hens, there are few things on this earth more beautiful than a dogwood tree in the Springtime. Just about my favorite.

There are plumblossem trees blooming here, and they are a close second.

One thing I miss terribly, from my home state of Washington, are Lilacs. We don’t have them here in Fla. and there’s nothing quite like them.


kim the lilacs grow wild here in Ok – right now the redbuds and wild dogwoods are in full bloom – Every spring I gather big boquets of lilacs and keep in the house – this is something the illusionist did with me 3 springs, i think this spring i will be able to do it again with out thinkin much of him..


what color are you painting your house? My house needs painting. But it has a second story and I won’t paint that high! Nor do I have a ladder that high.

I want a red house. That nice dark “house” red, (not lipstick red) With a deep khaki trim. But my entire flower garden would clash with a red house.
So whats your house color? Hows it looking?


conomo – when they start mimicking our bad trait’s it time to throw the parrot out the window…

kim frederick

I want a parrot that says, “He’s a spath, he’ll never change, you deserve better, you’re beautiful, I love you, take care of yourself, beware of red-flags, listen to your gut, you didn’t do it, let go and let God.


Hens, the parrot is in its cage. Let’s hope for a long, long time. I don’t know what else could be done with him now.

Lilacs won’t be here for a month, but daffodils, tulips and lily of the valley (my fav next to lilacs) are sprouting. Way to soon for this part of Canada. Need rain. I have a huge wild flower garden with lupins, popies, a few herbs and holleyhocks. Blessings…..


I always thought a parrot would be great fun to have. And I would teach the bird to talk to my dogs.
Wanna go outside??? Good dog. Bad dog.

kim frederick

My Xspaths mom had a parrot named speedway, and he used to calle the dog. “Here Gigget.” He would sing, “Old McDonald”, and say, “Lets eat.”

kim frederick

And teach it to do the dishes.


Wits a white house with dark red roof and trim resonates with me. I think it compliments a khaki green deck and wood railings…..three colours that work for me too.


witty I am painting the house a brown and trimming in red – not bright red but more a cinnamon red – the brown is not brown but a shade of? i bet you would like it, and Conom your garden sounds lovely -i do some gardening in colorad in the spring for 2 of my clients – it’s a whole different climate there..but the annuals stay beautiful all summer in Co, here in Ok they are spent by august…

kim frederick

Hey, Conomo, Ever get those guitar strings on?


I lived in a white house for many years. In this area many of the old farmhouses are white with varous color trims.

I do love a dark red roof though on a white house. The white house I lived in had a dark greyish roof, not very complimentary to the house.

kim frederick

Speaking of pets….I had a cluster B cat at one time. I used to light candles for the ambiance. He lit his tail on fire at least three times, just to get attention.

I really loved him, though. I feel guilty labeling him as a cluster B. 🙁


I think I would like this color combo! It sounds wonderful…Isn’t it cool how a different color on the house can change the entire feel of the house?

Me wanting to paint my house a dark red is a new thing….I always thought I would paint it a dark khaki. But I saw a house in this red color that I like so much and it was a farmhouse style like my house and I fell in love with it.

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