Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:
Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.
He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.
For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.
I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.
Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.
Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.
Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.
Understanding
I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.
All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.
First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.
Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.
I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.
Dear Arlene,
Feeling emotionally lifeless and hopeless may be symptoms that are helped by medication. Do not give up hope, your children still need you to be the one positive force in their lives.
You will have love again!
i totally understand…i am recovering but it is a miracle i am here…i tried to take my life almost 4 weeks ago…carbon monoxide and pills..i was found in the woods…i don’t know how i made it but God had to have protected me….i was married for 1 year to a sociopath..he was very close to being like a minister when i met him..we prayed alot…he was very kind…he was extremely charming and romantic and ”swept me off my feet”…talked me into marriage in 2 months….then in about 3 more months the ”real” man came out…he was a binge drinking alcoholic..abusive verbally and physically..he stole all my money….took me to another state…beat me up and abandoned me…after i got back home..i did a background check and found he is a sex offender…he was totally the opposite of all he presented to me…i am in therapy and on an antidepressant and other meds for injuries to my body..i thought i was doing so much better..then i seemed to just be overcome with grief…i am better now and i have my hope again…it will take time to heal…
To Judy Cox: Yes the grief…but you are VERY LUCKY because your relationship was not very long. So yes you will recover. Even though he did those awful thi ngs to you … you will recover because of the time factor. So consider yourself very lucky…that is a positive thi ng. It is hard to spot a sociopath sometimes because they appear normal and the only people that get to know them are the closest to them. It did not take him long to get out of the closet and God was probably looking over you there. It is interesting how they appear to be so suave and angelic in the beginning.
I wish I were you honey…than to have been me in a 23 yr marriage.
To Judy and Arlene,
Two weeks ago I felt the same way and wanted to die! I went to the doctor and got some anti depressants and sleeping pills as sleeping was hard, I decided to take both along with a quart of alcohol not to kill myself but to dull the pain of it all and forget for a while, I fell unconcious and when I awoke the next day realized what an idiot I had been, I not only let this man use and abuse me but now I am abusing myself. I know it is hard but Arlene please do not harm yourself, it does get better it is noy going to happen overnight, I can tell you from my experience and I still love this man I bought Dr, Hare’s book “Without Conscience” and it really opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with, at first I could not beleive that I mean’t nothing to him but after joining this site and reading other stories we are not alone, Although it has only been a couple of weeks I feel better, I have my sad days but the urge to contact him diminishes with each passing day, trust me I know how you feel and I assure you it will get better in a way it would have been better if they had died you go through the same greiving process, unfortunatley they are very much alive and most likely on to then ext victim, remember sociopaths have no conscience their only concern is for themselves, keep reminding yourself that and as each day goes by you will feel better,
Arlene – My marriage to a sociopath lasted 26 years, I am 51. The divorce decree is 2 years old. The facts I learned AFTER beginning the divorce process put me in bed for days. It IS horrific the damage and deceit these people are capable of. I have four children that my ex is trying to poison. It feels like two have succumbed and the other two recognize his manipulations and simply ignore his lies about me. I have chosen to live. I still believe there is happiness in the world. If I were to allow the past to rule my life, then that man would succeed in ruining my life. I won’t let that happen. He may have had small victories, but ultimately I know he will lose. At some point, my children and yours, too, will see the true colors of their fathers’ personality disorder. They will come back to me and you. I only worry that their pain at the revelation will be worse than ours has been. Choose to live, Arlene. Your children need you and there are wonderful things left to experience. You have survived one of the worst expereinces……life with a sociopath.
I think there are two books that divorced/divorcing people should read when they have children. The books are: Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D, and Divorce Poison by Richard Washak, Ph.D. Both of these books give advice to people who have an ex who is trying, or who has already been successful in, destroying the relationship of the other parent and children. People can be very hateful and angry toward the other parent and can consciously or unconsciously destroy the loving/trusting bond between parent and child. It is comparable to brainwashing. These books give very practical advice on how to recognize and deal with this behavior. Unfortunately, brainwashing is very difficult to reverse, especially if physical contact is limited or nonexistent. I feel very sorry for Arlene. These books also give advice to people in Arlene’s situation. To feel like you have lost your relationship with your children must be like experiencing their death in a way. I can not imagine. I know my ex continues to sabotage my relationship with my kids, and at one point I thought I had lost my relationship to my oldest son. I felt heartbroken that he was so cold to me, that he would physically try to hurt me in front of my ex, but after reading a lot about parental alienation, I think I have managed to at least put it a little bit under control. Arlene, I think you need to keep yourself busy with things that do not relate to your family. One side of you can do its best to reestablish your relationship with your kids, but the other side should be dedicated to positive experiences that do not involve your kids. This has been very important for me. I went back to school, became a teacher and now a big part of my life is my students and my teaching. I have such positive experiences from it. It has nothing to do with who I am/was with my ex or who I am with my children. People are experiencing me for who I really am…not possibly tarnished by what my ex has said about me. I have made such wonderful friendships with the other teachers and feel really good about teaching. Dealing with my ex is such a negative downer in my life. It is really tough, so having a part of my life that is completely separate and positive for me has kept me going. I agree that you should also consider taking some medication and seeing a counselor. You are going through a terrible ordeal and you should make sure you take advantage of all the help that is available to you. Hang in there.
421,
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I’m sure they will be helpful to many people.
“…If you are young”there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family.” -Arlene
That is not always true. Being young doesn’t change your ability to overcome hardships and in many ways it is harder to get over being damaged when you are young.
Just look at your kids. If you hurt, imagine how they feel. They are the real victims in this. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world to one sick parent and yet they are expected to just be “good kids” you said yourself that one of them became an addict. Maybe she uses substances as a way of coping-your method of coping in a way, is this forum. You are an adult who knows better than to become a chemical addict (not that that ever stops anyone) but how else do they know how to deal? You are in pain yourself…do you think they want to add to your misery? I doubt that…I really do.
My father was the normal one, my mother was sick. He got over her destruction by moving on and marrying someone else, fathering 4 more kids. And yet the last time I spoke to him you could tell that he was not completely over what happened more than 25 years ago. So where does that leave me…the child…the “young”.
It leaves me alone. No mother, no father and socially isolated as a result of never having a parent to love me. I have become the “unloved”. But hey, maybe I can start my own family…maybe because I am 26 this will be easier for me…that statement could not be more wrong-I actually think it is a bit offensive. Yeah, I can maybe one day get married and have kids and then what? Poof it all goes away? I think not…more like those issues are still there and my children suffer because I never had a mother to teach me how to be a mother and I never had a father to teach me how to move on. He saw I wasn’t the “good kid” I once was and turned the other cheek to deal with his pain. He left me there to fend for myself. He was the “victim” yet him being with my mother was his choice…not mine. Then what about my future husband? Does any good man deserve to deal with all my emotional baggage? Sure if he loves me he will but is that fair? Not by my definition…not by a long shot.
I did not write this to attack or offend you. I wrote this to give an alternate opinion of a statement you made. Living with emotional trauma is not easy for anyone except maybe a socio/psychopath. Young, old, black, white, male, female-none of it matters. Pain is pain. Anger is anger. Recovery is recovery. And nothing is easy.
I divorced my sociopath ex over 3 years ago when he started using crack and he just won’t leave me along. It kills my spirit to hear from him. He will call me over and over and over on my job (I blocked his number on my cell phone) because a crack addict never has enough money. He is currently living with another man (an addict) as a partner but still calls to say the guy is mean to him, he needs a place to stay, etc. I refuse to help him and his last trick was to call me at work, crying and someone screaming in the background, saying if he didn’t get $250 to pay this dealer, he was going to be shot. I made him write me a check and meet me someplace but it was probably all a scam. Then I feel so low and used just because I hate to see someone I’ve know since I was 17 (I’m 55 now) get killed. There is currently a stay away order from the judge, but he just ignores it over and over and the police say I need to file a report and go to the prosecutor’s office and get yet another restraining order. I was doing well, bought my own house this year and starting to date. This has made me depressed again. I don’t want to let my bosses at work know he is bothering me there because there was a big problem when I first left him with him showing up at my job high. I would gladly buy him a on-way ticket to another state.
Wow, This is an old post, before my time here at LF, and it’s eye opening for me.
For a very, very long time I’ve wondered if my ex-spath was a SPATH or if he was SCHIZOID (avoidance personality disorder).
I have debated this daily, if not hourly, in my head.
And here I see it for the first time:
****First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. ****They feel no emotional connections to other people***** They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted. *****
They feel no emotional connections to other people.
My SPATH only wanted to see me on occasion. He didn’t want to spend time with me going for a walk, or going to a movie, or just hanging out. If he was with me, he wanted sex. I always felt so terrible about this. I always wondered, why doesn’t he love me back?
Anyway, this line made me realize, all spaths have no emotional connections to other people? Really?
Have I been missing this the whole time?
Superkid