Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:
Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.
He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.
For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.
I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.
Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.
Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.
Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.
Understanding
I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.
All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.
First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.
Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.
I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.
(SK)
We can undo it. It’s just hard. and takes time.
You have done very well for yourself. You’ve raised wonderful children. You take care of yourself. You are so strong. Nurture your strengths and look at yourself honestly and objectively, so you can also see your weaknesses. It’s the only way.
You said you were NEEDY. It sounds to me like what you “needed” was someone to rescue. He looks like a wounded bird to me. Is this how you were raised? to rescue others, like I was? He’ll play that role as long as you let him. If your “need” was different he would play that role. If you present yourself as a “princess” needing to be rescued, he would play that role. It all depends on how you present yourself, then the spath will re-organize his facade to reflect what you need.
They are story driven characters. Give them a story and they will run with it. But then, you know, we all are that way to an extent. I was reading an editorial article… I’ll try to find it. It was a criticism of Obama. The author was saying that Obama failed to give the American people a story that they could believe in. LOL! but of course, Americans are the most narcissistic people on earth. hands down. (in the conventional definition of narcissism, anyway).
Louise,
LOL!
I want to know too!
superkid:
Sure. Of course, it’s only my personal observation, but I see that they marry their mom’s because we know they are infantile or just little boys in grown up bodies. So they need someone to take care of them. They marry someone who has the personality traits of their moms…the “take charge”, take care of everything type woman…just like their mom. Actually now come to think of it, I have also seen non spath men marry women who were like their moms. I think all men marry their mothers…just my observation and opinion. Haha, no wonder I apparently don’t make a good wife! I am very compassionate and empathetic, but I am not that take charge type of woman who wants to conquer the world and take care of everything. Seems to me that this is what ALL men want deep down inside.
Louise,
makes sense to me.
my spath said, “you remind me of my mom”. Then I found out he hated his mom.
my dad was trauma bonded to his spath mom. So he married a spath.
We are all re-living our childhood. over and over again until we get it right and we can move on.
Sky, Louise
I do agree with that comment.
I went on a business trip with my controlling N boss recently.
I know how to deal with him in the office – he rules the roost. But outside?
He wanted me to pick the restaurant.
He wanted me to pick out the food.
He wanted me to pick what chair I sat in.
He wanted me to pick where we crossed the road.
He wanted me to pick the security line.
It was crazy. Until I realized, he normaly only travels with his WIFE, and SHE MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS! AHA!
My spath said that his former (and now current) WIFE was more like his mother than I was. Lucky for me, I suppose.
skylar:
It’s comforting to see that you have seen the same patterns with men and their moms that I have. I see it all the time. As a matter of fact, OMG…this thought JUST came to me. When my oldest brother married his first wife, he told my mom, “She’s just like you.” Wow. Of course, I had forgotten about this because it was almost 40 years ago.
I agree that we are re-living our childhoods over and over. But how can we ever get it right if we are repeating it over and over?
Skylar
Good question.
When we met, he wasn’t needy.
I needed a strong man – romance – excitement – via a dominant, take charge, interesting man, who was as high up on the corporate ladder as me.
So that’s who he became. A successful, interesting banker who was madly in love with me. Except none of it made sense. Yes, he was a banker. That was the only part that was true. He’d be madly in love with me, and then disappear without a trace for a few days – no phone calls, nothing, then suddenly appear professing his undying love for me again.
It made no sense, the entire “STORY” line he was living for me didn’t “SING” so to speak. It’s because he was picking up on a STORY I needed to be told and that’s all. There were incongruencies everywhere because it was a LIE.
The truth was he indeed was a high ranking banker, but, he lived a dull boring life.
No friends.
Hardly any interests except money and weapons.
Liked military junk.
Reorganized all his belongings over and over again. Counted his money over and over.
Cheap-o.
Bought clothes at GoodWill when he earned over $500K a year.
Limited his clothes to something like 3 pants & 3 shirts.
Totally OCD.
Had stamp and coin collections (how boring! Just shoot me now!).
Lied about them, said he stopped collecting when he was 13 but I discovered recent acquisitions. Ridiculous.
He played WAR VIDEO games for hours on end (hardly the interesting passtime I would attribute to a successful, very smart banker).
bleh.
superkid:
See! They are all alike! Even your X spath is currently married to someone who he says is like his mother.
Oh, and you brought up another very good observation that I have also seen. You say your boss is a controlling N at work, but apparently at home, HE is the one controlled. I have seen this…if a man is a tyrant at work, it’s because he is being guided arounded like a puppy at home. They can’t be the boss at home so they are the boss at work! Wow, they are really something, aren’t they?? I absolutely love it that we have them all figured out 🙂
Louise
That is precisely the question.
Narssisst are just as evil as spaths. I’m still trying to understand the difference. From observations I’d say malignant narcissism occurs due to a childhood traumatic injury and sociopaths are born that way? I’m still not sure. I font know if my spath/n was clinically diagnosed because there were so many secrets circulating in that family. He told so many lies I don’t know what to believe. He is in fact one of the other. I found this to be true from his mother and just researching disordered myself. For mine I think he will marry a woman that pretty much let’s him have his way. A dumb ass pretty much. Someone who believes the lies, never questions his contradictions, and loses herself. Basically a slave.