Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:
Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.
He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.
For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.
I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.
Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.
Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.
Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.
Understanding
I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.
All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.
First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.
Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.
I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.
Recovering – my father is an n – no family trauma there. i think he was born that way and his mother catering to him (she was an n too i think) didn’t help.
many of us, were married to and are recovering from n’s and spaths. we were conned. intelligence and assertiveness notwithstanding.
Yes no offense to be taken. I myself was conned as well. Dumb-ignorant to the personality disordered, human evil. I don’t think any of us here knew of such until we actually experienced it. Even reading a book on the subject in school never means anything until you meet one of these people. I can’t make sense of it at all. That’s why friends,family, and some therapists can’t seem to understand the depth of our pain. No one wants to believe any human being is this evil and heartless. The reason I ignored red flags is because I too didn’t think people like spaths and ns truly existed to this degree. There isbrown any disorder less harsh than the other in my book. Some individuals more pathological than others maybe. They all cause hurt,pain,and ruin. There are some that kill and some a bit to coward to complete the act however I consider them all the same. I get confused when I go on other sites and they say the opposite of what we read and share here. To add to this discussion though,how do two disordered people marry? Wouldn’t that be disastrous? I read stories about people having two spath parents etc….how is that so? It’s like a game of tug of war.
Revovering – my mom isn’t disordered, she is supply, so i don’t have anything to offer on this. i always think of my spath as having dupes and partners in crime. but i always see her as the alpha. she even conned her real best friend’s adult child. pretended to be someone else online.
i think people are jerks. i feel that they should look at the state of us and understand that it must have been something out of the ordinary. instead i feel ashamed and abandoned by my so called friends…like i was too this or that that i got involved in the first place and I should have been able to get over it right away as it wasn’t ‘real’ anyway. not even knowing about the disordered i expected better from my friends. i know i would have given them better.
now i have little to give – i need so much gentleness and support to help me heal…and i have not enough of those things in my day to day. but i wouldn’t listen to me too deeply today, i am depressed and hurting and feel so very alone.
I feel that way a lot. Today in particular because I can’t get answers. I replay the situation over and over in my head and like you I too get no genuine understanding or support from friends. Everybody’s just in awe, like where did I meet such a crazy. I think more people have been under the spells of spaths yet they didn’t get what really happened. You have to get close for them to reveal themselves and some are so good they can put the mask right back on even after an unthinkable act. We weren’t created to go through life lying and conning. I used to think no man would be out to intentionally break a woman for his enjoyment. What hurts most is knowing he doesn’t give a fuck at all. Ivery been cheated on before but the spath experience is on another level. Some men cheat but they may really be sorry and contrary to their acts house know they at least cared. It hurts because spath did not and does not care about my heart, my bodily injuries he caused, and neverabout my feelings…trust me I know how it feels.
Recovering,
You are right. Many people just don’t get it. Perhaps they saw red flags and removed themselves from the situation.
They can’t know what it is like to be YOU, and to have been victimized by the SPATH.
I am in shock every day that my spath hurt me on purpose.
My spaths ‘ex friend’…eyes rolling…that now wants to date me said that was his plan. He stated when he met me he was going to drag me through the mud and play with my head( verbatim)….so, his deeds were premeditated. SICK!!!! And friend is sick too, who watches and wants to be around a person like this?
Recovering,
exactly. This is a perfect example of how spaths lie.
The ex-friend is telling you the truth, IN ORDER TO DECEIVE YOU. The deception is: since he tells the truth, he must really care. But you hit the nail right on the head, when you asked who watches and wants to be around a person like this? So, in this case the actions do not match the words and you know you are hearing a liar, aka, another spath.
Superkid,
I was reading a link on borderline PD and saw the name Alexander Lowen. A quick google search, took me to his book. It’s fascinating. You might find it interesting too.
http://books.google.com/books?id=qraB5GnYzrUC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false
There are some section on different types of narcissism, including paranoid pd, which I know interests you. It has a good outline of the spectrum of npd’s.
Sky friend is a total douche. He could have told me long ago if he was genuinely concerned. I know guys have their code of honor but if I had a friend well let’s say associate because I’d never knowingly hang around a person like this who uses drugs and cons people and is physically abusive I would feel it my duty to tell an innocent person whose life is at rusk from a promiscuous partner. Now they aren’t friends because he disrespected him so he says but had he not they’re still be hanging out. It’s toxic. I blocked his texts and calls.
Skylar
Thanks for the link to the book. I’ll buy it.
I just bought the book Speed Freak ? Is that it? It was written by a former Lehman brothers banker who had a mental illness. Just came out.
You know what bothers me.
My husband wants me back (we were separated when I met my spath, dated my spath, got abused by my spath). And he still wants me back. I just can’t even go there. I am still stuck on my spath.
I want to get unstuck and move on and I just don’t know how.
Superkid
Superkid,
this might be how:
http://www.reichandlowentherapy.org/index.html
I was looking into Alexander Lowen and found this site. I’ve been on it for hours. It talks about unraveling our emotional issues through access to the feelings in our bodies.
Before I stumbled on this, I was already thinking that most of our emotional issues are based on a disconnection to the feelings in our bodies. Numbing or misunderstanding the physical sensations in our bodies is part of how we end up with “false selves”. If I remember correctly, “The happiness Trap” addressed this too.
The site has some interesting descriptions of the schizoid PD (he calls it the creator) and the psychopathic PD, (called the inspirer) http://www.reichandlowentherapy.org/Content/Character/Psychopathic/psychopathic_inspirer.html
I’m going to be looking in this direction for understanding.