Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:
Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.
He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.
For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.
I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.
Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.
Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.
Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.
Understanding
I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.
All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.
First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.
Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.
I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.
Good tip. How did you find this? I ordered a book from lowen.
A few months ago I was researching therapy for borderlines, for a “friend” who might be.
Someone at the University of washington has developed a treatment that is moderately successful. It’s the DBT therapy that I linked earlier. A person by the name of “Echo” posted about Lowen’s theories, on that site.
From there I researched Lowen and found this other stuff. It’s actually a guy named Reich that originated these ideas and there is speculation that he had some psychopathic tendencies himself.
The author of this site, lives in Seattle.
Edit: there’s so much good info, that I can’t decide which book to order.
Sky, where is the link to the Uni of Washington’s development of DBT therapy for borderline PD? Thanks.
Oxy,
from http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
Marsha Linehan’s page:
http://www.behavioraltech.org
Sky yes lots of great material. I always resell my books or I would be dirt poor, can’t afford my reading habit, ha!, so starting with just one and see what I think. Thanks for pointing the way.
I want my happiness back.
Thanks Sky, I looked DBT up….basically what we “teach” here as far as controlling your behavior and emotions…though we are not calling it that per se…
Oxy,
yep, if you read Marsha’s vignette about her own struggles, she talks about being in pain because the life she wanted and the life she was living were so disconnected. Her therapy begins with facing the life we are living NOW and then also deciding to make changes in our selves.
I think it has a lot of Buddhist connections, in that it’s about facing reality at all times, rather than living a lie like the spaths do.
SK,
One serving of happiness, coming up…
🙂
Spaths are not the only ones who “live the lie”—I think we do as well, in the case of us DENYING what is going on with the psychopath and what they are doing to us. We give excuses of why we will tolerate what they do, we forgive them and restore trust to them…but it is only when we ADMIT THE TRUTH TO OURSELVES that we can free ourselves from the drama-rama.
You know the 10 Commandments, well there is another one, the 11th commandment and it is DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF. I think more of us violate that 11th commandment than all the other 10 put together!
Oxy, you’re funny…and RIGHT. My ex, in his final throes, demanded that I admit he is an angel and that it is my lack of human compassion that prevents me from forgiving him. Right there, he was actually TELLING ME what he was intentionally manipulating in me! For him, “human compassion” is the translation for “fool” and he was banking on me ALWAYS being like that!!!! He knew that I had a high regard for humanity and then tried to make me feel like a bad person for withholding my own good nature from his claws. If I had bothered to respond (I was NC already at this point) I would have said something like, “Yeah, I see you sociopath! I know what you really are! I see you and I do NOT forgive you!” Yet, because I now see him, I know that even THIS would be a “win” from his view, and I didn’t have even that much left for him. Oh, no. Nothing. No more denial here.
And, because there is a discussion about BPD in here, I wanted to ask about it. My ex who I think is a sociopath to the T said that he was actually diagnosed with BPD. I think his psychologists missed the mark there, because he fits the profile of a spath much better. However, are the disorders similar? I don’t know a whole lot about BPD. I have been researching sociopathy and everything I read just rings bell and bell. Yet could I have been with a BPD person?
Panther ~
The P/daughter was also diagnosed with BPD. I wonder sometimes if the mental health professionals try to “stay clear” of the psychopath/sociopath diagnosis and just go as far as BPD.
P/daughter was a cutter, but only AFTER she became acquainted with someone else who cut herself. I have always felt that this was another one of her “copied” symptoms. Her cuts were always very superficial, much more like she ran through a briar patch and only happened when P/daughter was not getting the attention she demanded.
I always wonder about this subject.