Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:
Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.
He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.
For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.
I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.
Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.
Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.
Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.
Understanding
I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.
All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.
First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.
Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.
I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.
Ox;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Överkalix_study very interesting study which may indicate that sociopathic traits can be passed from father to son via an epigenetic route.
Regarding the gay community yes it is a minority percentage that gives the community a bad name but their effect is enormous.
BBE, I have no doubt that genetics are a big part of psychopathic traits in people, but also environment as well. Plus, genes can lie dormant and then be “turned on” at various ages and conditions. My P son and others I hvae known became VERY HIGH IN P TRAITS at puberty, and I suspect that testosterone levels increasing had something to do with it. BTW, women also produce testosterone as well as males, just not as much. And I suspect that the amount of Testosterone varies with individuals quite a bit even within a “normal” range.
I also believe that DNA and/or environment contributes to “gayness,” (for lack of a better word) and there are several species of animals that have high percentages of “gay” individuals, especially among the males (sheep, for example, will have about 10% males that are “gay” acting) as well females that will “act” like males sexually, Cattle/bovine are/is one species that comes to mind.
I am glad that people who are gay are suffering LESS bias in our society and I hope that trend continues. I have a step-granddaughter who is gay, and it is important to me that she be accepted as a PERSON, not by her sexual orientation. She has a stable long-term relationship partner and I am glad that she is happy. Her mother had a difficult time accepting her for who she is, but finally did so, and I am glad about that. Many members of the gay community do not have that advantage and I am glad that she does.
BBE, I followed some of those links for the studies and found some interesting stuff….along the lines of what you and I have been talking about. Audrey Hepburn was one of my favorite actresses…interesting about her beiing in the Netherlands during that time.
I ididn’t notice anything in the articles about IQ being effected by the famine when the children were of various trimesters though, but the one I remember from school was that even if the kids had IDEAL nutrition after birth, that the eggs were so damaged pre-birth that it took 3 generations for the effects to be undone, even with ideal nutrition in females, but I am suspecting that because men generate sperm anew rather than are born with all the sperm they will have (like females are born with all the eggs they will ever have, though those eggs are not yet “mature” they are there) they are more likely to produce “good” sperm down the line.
Poor diet of the mother also effects dental health in children as well, and I suspect there are MANY THINGS about us that are effected by our ancestor’s nutrition and environment. I have seen it here in children from families which have been VERY poor for generations, I can almost “SEE” that in children from the appearance of those children, it is a color of the skin, the bone structure etc., that seems to “shout” POOR NUTRITION FOR GENERATIONS. There was a family who lived near me when I was a teenager that had 13 or 14 kids, 1 a year, and they were all so poor, and the infant had a cry that was like a WAIL, it was a cry that I have never heard in a healthy infant who was not TRULY hungry. To this day, it is inside my head, I cannot forget that cry…I heard it in 3rd world countries as well.
Ox;
One can only imagine the epigenetic effects of alcohol and drug abuse on succeeding generations. Perhaps even contributing to certain cultural preferences to alcohol, for example.
Okay,
This is strange, so I am putting it out there for all of you.
Today I recived the following e-mail from my Spath (Jerkface)’s wife (Jerkette).
From her work e-mail to my work e-mail.
“FAD,
I just wanted to send you a quick email to apologize for this morning. I was not sure at first it was you that pulled in and waved, as I did not think you would be at Jr.’s pre-school since I was dropping him off. But, I noticed that you were bringing his bedding. It was still kind of dark so I am not sure you saw me smile.
I do not want there to be any hard feelings, as it is important for us to get along and have a good relationship for Jr.’s sake. I hope that you, Jerkface, myself, and whoever else will be in Jr.’s life/step-father in the future can all have a relationship, get along, and be there for Jr. As he gets older and does different things throughout his school years I am sure we will all be in the same place at the same time, and I am sure we would all want it to be as comfortable as possible. Jr. needs to see us all working together and being there for each other so he has no stress.
Again, I apologize for not waving back to you this morning.
Jerkette”
Even jerkface does not e-mail me at work…actually he does not know my NEW work e-mail. I am a teacher so she likely looked it up.
I feel like I should reply…should HAVE replied, but I don’t know what to say.
She is the person who types and writes in the journal horrible things like, “Who watches Jr. while you are in bed for days with depression?” (Which I do not do or have).
Can she honestly say she cares about our relationship while writing disparaging, defamatory and harassing e-mails and journal entries to me?
Do you think Jerkface knows she wrote this to me?
What should I do/say?
Thanks
FAD
Hi FAD,
I just got home and saw your dilemma.
She gets these ideas from him, but I do believe she is a spath since she cheated with jerkface in your home while you were married.
Since she is a spath, your best bet is to show no emotion. You really should not have waived at her and smiled. I think your best bet now is to respond with, “Oh, was that you? I thought you were someone else. It WAS dark. Sorry.”
🙂
FAD
I agree with Skylar. Jerkette may be a spath. Maybe not, but maybe.
Certainly no urgent or fast response is required. In fact, it could be detrimental.
Do some version of grey rock or potted plant – if you respond at all. You could simply ignore it and just be your normal pleasant self in the future, as always.
Superkid
I don’t know that sleeping with Jerkface in our home is spathy, but I thought the second paragraph was.
Does she sound spathy. I actually hope she isn’t because Jr. needs something normal when he is there.
I only thought of saying, “No problem. I figured you might not have realized it was me.”
I only waved because I was not supposed to be there, and I was pointing to Jr.s bedding. I did not want it to get back to jerkface that I was at day care…although she obviously saw I had brought the bedding. I was nervous as hell. I even drove past originally, but still got there too early. She was leaving as I pulled up.
BBE,
I often wonder what caused my spath to become the way he is. His father was a spath, but not all of his brothers are. One was for sure but he died. He had kids all over the place.
As far as testosterone in the womb, I have read the same thing you did, and also that high testosterone in the womb is caused by 2 or more consecutive male babies.
So if you have 2 or more older brothers, you are more likely to be gay (even if you are a girl).
Since my spath was the 4th boy of 6 boys, (and the other spath bro was 5th) there was probably a high level of testosterone in the womb. The 6th brother doesn’t seem spath, just dumb and a racist redneck.
FAD,
To fall in love with jerkface and want to sleep with him, is a human foible. To do it in his wife’s bed, is malicious and vindictive. It shows she wants to BE YOU. She wanted your position. She is envious.
I know of another person who did that and she is spath. The idea was to do something that would really make you sick if you found out. Which you did.