As a victim of love fraud, I have two reactions to Valentine’s Day. First, I hate the thought of all those sociopaths out there male and female, who are using this day to lock in their next victims. Early in relationships, sociopaths present themselves as great partners. They certainly don’t pass up the chance to pour on the charm on a day like Valentine’s Day. Furthermore, since they can be very focused on sex, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for them to score. My vision of Valentine sociopaths includes those who are simultaneously wooing more than one victim. Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”
My second reaction to Valentine’s Day is that I am reminded of all those who have loved sociopaths only to be harmed in every sphere of their lives. Cupid’s Arrow can be deadly if the result is involvement with a sociopath.
These two reactions bring me to an announcement. That is that Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I have completed our book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I apologize for the fact that we do not yet have a book for men who have been involved with psychopathic women, but we had to start somewhere.
The book summarizes the results of a survey we conducted on nearly 100 women who have been involved with sociopaths/psychopaths/pathological narcissists. As part of this survey, women completed check lists of symptoms of sociopathy/psychopathy on their partners and we compared the results of these checklists to their narrative stories.
The most important message I have for you is that if you think your man is a sociopath you are very likely to be correct. You do not have to wait for a formal diagnosis before deciding to get out of the relationship and avoid further harm. There was very good agreement between check off list symptoms and the actual behaviors reported by the women in their narrative stories.
Also in honor of Valentine’s Day I will say that if you are an outgoing extraverted woman who greatly values her relationships, you are a target for sociopathic men. That is not to say others are not targeted, but ALL of the women who answered our survey fit this profile. We know that because we had them complete a temperament inventory. Common temperaments are also why we find such camaraderie here on this web site. In addition to being fellow victims, we are likely temperamentally similar.
On a personal level, Valentine’s Day is as bitter sweet as my favorite chocolate. I am in my mid forties, have three children, and have yet to experience a real partnership with a man. The reality is sinking in that perhaps this is not to be for me. My first priority has to be my role as mother and provider. The last time I tried to take a short cut to find a partner, I ended up with a sociopath. I simply do not have the time right now to fully devote toward finding and vetting a worthy partner. The importance of the vetting cannot be overstated!
Where does this leave me and perhaps you? Well, thankfully, a Valentine is not the be all and end all for a fulfilled life. The important need we all have is for connectedness and relatedness. Love relationships are but one venue to meet this need. Although I would like to end this post by saying that we will all one day find our Valentines, to do so would not be of service. It is better for me to say that we all have the potential for fulfillment and well-being with or without a Valentine. Today, I have well-being and fulfillment even though I do not have a Valentine.
To find out more about Women Who Love Psychopaths visit www.saferelationships.com.
actually my xS and I first exchanged numbers on Valentine’s Day. I think it was like you said, an opportunity for him to score. and then he saw at as an opportunity to adhere himself to me.
this is the second valentine’s day since he left. i don’t mind being alone this year at all. i’d rather be alone than be with a bad man.
Do any of you ever wonder if the P in your life will be “good” to someone else? Mine lied about his HIV status…and I’ve often wondered if it was just me that he would lie to, or has he beein lying to his next victim? you’d think he’d be smart enough to cover his ass, and start telling the truth…after all, word does spread quickly when it comes to STDs….
Or does he really not learn from his mistakes, or better yet, does he just not care? care to infect, or care to be found out, or even possibly go to jail for knowlingly exposing people.
My N/P ex and I were officially engaged on valentine’s day(tomorrow is my birthday) and 18 years later on Valentine’s is when he told me he was leaving. I gave him a card last year that said simply that I have nothing to give you but my heart. After he read it he looked at the back and asked me where I got it from. I told him and asked why. “No reason, just wondering.” He said it in a weird way. Later that night is when he pulled the rug out from under me. When I found out about the gf I remembered that question. I still wonder if he actually went out and bought the gf the same card.
I’m trying to look at tomorrow as a rebirth, but I will be very happy when today and tomorrow are over.
I met mine a week after VDay, so I’ll be glad when this month ends.
Roses arrived from him at my desk yesterday afternoon. I took them to my local battered women’s shelter and asked them to give them to someone who just left a horrible man and needs to know that that someone is proud of her for making her stand and escaping. They said there were too many to choose from and they’d give all two dozen out individually. I think I just found myself an annual tradition.
notquitebroken,tryingtorecover,dodgebullet
notquitebroken- That is a perfect and beautiful thing you did with the flowers. Go girl!
tryingtorecover-That sucks! You will pull through this day and the next. Better to be alone and sad (it will pass) then to be with a S – alone and miserable.
Happy V & B Day!!
This is a difficult time for me! Valentines DAy last year was the ONLY holiday he didn’t ruin for me. He brought me flowers, the one time ONLY he gave me anything. The rest of the years holidays from X-mas Eve last year to New Years this year he made me miserable. Absolutley, horrible including my 40th birthday that he just blew off! Then came back around like I didn’t even have a birthday. He said that he is not big on birthdays no matter whose it is. i know I have to remember all the other holidays and days that were F***D up by him and not feel down remembering the one day he was semi-descent.
Dodge bullet- I wonder all the time if he is going to be good to someone else. Thats when I start thinking that he had me on a roller coaster just because I wasn’t “the one”. I think that “the one” will come along and he will change his behavior to treat her like gold. But if your S’s patterns align with all the others here (mine does) then there is the most definite chance that that will NOT happen. Maybe in the beginning, remember they have to charm you and reel you in first. But after time she will be rowing the same boat through the ocean of shit they had us in!
My fellow Valentines and former victims of S’s:
No!!!!! He will NOT BE better to anyone else than he was to you. That’s part of their hook, remember? They get us where they want us and then convince US that we’re the screwed-up, damaged ones…that on accounta’ us they act the way they do.
Yet, even if they don’t talk much about the details, we know they have trails of littered “love” affair corpses rotting behind them. Trails. Other women who did not deserve nor warrant their emotional, mental and often physical abuse. Other women who probably stuck around lots longer than they should have because they wondered ‘Will he be better to someone else?”
NOTHING you did or did not do caused this man to treat you like garbage. Unless you have some sort of newfangled mind-control device, this person chose to treat you like dirt because that is what he knows. That’s the only way he knows how to treat anyone else, and he will keep on finding fresh victims to feed his machine.
We have a chance to really be happy, because we entered that relationship, like all the others, in a state of honest affection, hope and trust. We just need to get past the understandable, but foolhardy notion, that somehow we controlled the actions of fully grown adult men.
It is not your fault. You’ve just been victimized so much that you’re in danger of doing it to yourself, too.
Happy Valentines. Remember, we’re loving, outgoing women who value our relationships — and we attract the opposite type, apparently.
LilOrpahan, “They have trails of littered “love” affair corpses rotting behind them.” LOVE IT AND SO TRUE.
I Still sometimes think maybe he would be better to someone else. Then I stop, read and post and then realize he is a SOCIOPATH and he will NOT be any different or better to her or them or whoever. NEVER! He doesnt know how and if he does, he doesnt care to only when it benefits him. Then when he is done or conquered what he wanted HE IS BACK, back to being the same liar, cheater, manipulator, conning, son of a B!!!!!!
Wow.. this is interesting… the whole Valentines Day thing. I was just contacted by a women who saw a warning ad I placed on Craiglist. She wanted to know if the BadMan was the same as the man she was being pursued by. Yes, it is the same man. She said she moved to Hawaii from San Diego in part because of her communications with him. Now he is stalking her and she wants to know what to do. He is insisting to take her on a big Valentine’s Day date. She has refused based on his erratic behavior and the information I provided.
Saved that one! That is my Valentine to myself!
Aloha… E.R.
to all: valentines day has sucked big time. i havent been feeling great as you may have read depressed down but trying to be strong. we met not long after valentines at easter actually but started talking around v day. well after last week i gave in and called very lonley, and he told me he was taking a friend to lunch and we, he and i would catch up later. i wish i had not called so stupid of me. anyway the night club he goes to a few weeks ago on its web site he was photographed with some girl and what do you know last weekend another photo another girl an older lady i should say she looked like his mum his quiet young looking for his age. i find it funny now like its a different one every week. this one was no doubt the one he was takin to lunch. she looks nice and he was all angelic in the photo holding her. yuk i feel sick but its making me laugh he is so desperate right now to be with his next victim. i want to tell them all stay away. i also wonder if he wil get it right with some nice person but i dont think so. n he is ssooo perfect to start and thats why i feel so bad i know the treat ment she will be getting right now. i wonder if i will feel so passionate about anyone a gain that feeling he gave me i dont think another man can make me feel it. its toomuch passion for a normal guy to put out there. why is he so into older ladies me included at least i look young the lady in the photo didnt. i want to add him to every warning list for other woman. i am noticing a lot of those lists arent for australians which makes it hard to put his name on them. he must be really after this one for him to spend money on her like that right off. why does god keep giving these men victims its too easy for them. why cant we see them fall and stumble. it just seems so un fair in the big picturewhere is the justice. my parents dont understand try talking to my mum she doesnt really know what to say. i hate not knowing what hes up to i feel for this new lady oh my goodness what is he going to try and do. bet hes already lied to her probably on the first night they met just to impress her. he has got nothing to offer an older lady h dosnt even have a car, what do hey all see in him. i hate to think that he will have things work out for him and im stuck here not able to meet anyone or move on it really is the worst feeling and valentines so in yur face it was all around me where i work i could hardly get thru the day. love to you all. would like it if you could drop me a line it helps me get by.
Hey Jules
I’m new to this site, but it has helped me tremendously,
look through this site, learn from it, and keep in mind that it does all balance out in the long run.
Unfortunately some of the best lessons we learn in life are the toughest, ironically that pain is what will keep us out of trouble in the future.
in the mean time Believe me and it’s not just a an old saying, “everything does come around”.
In the mean time, live your life, don’t hate, surround yourself with those that have proven they truly care, be thankful you have them. Don’t give him the satisfaction, let that be your incentive to move on.
enjoy what you have,
AND BE STRONG