As a victim of love fraud, I have two reactions to Valentine’s Day. First, I hate the thought of all those sociopaths out there male and female, who are using this day to lock in their next victims. Early in relationships, sociopaths present themselves as great partners. They certainly don’t pass up the chance to pour on the charm on a day like Valentine’s Day. Furthermore, since they can be very focused on sex, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for them to score. My vision of Valentine sociopaths includes those who are simultaneously wooing more than one victim. Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”
My second reaction to Valentine’s Day is that I am reminded of all those who have loved sociopaths only to be harmed in every sphere of their lives. Cupid’s Arrow can be deadly if the result is involvement with a sociopath.
These two reactions bring me to an announcement. That is that Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I have completed our book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I apologize for the fact that we do not yet have a book for men who have been involved with psychopathic women, but we had to start somewhere.
The book summarizes the results of a survey we conducted on nearly 100 women who have been involved with sociopaths/psychopaths/pathological narcissists. As part of this survey, women completed check lists of symptoms of sociopathy/psychopathy on their partners and we compared the results of these checklists to their narrative stories.
The most important message I have for you is that if you think your man is a sociopath you are very likely to be correct. You do not have to wait for a formal diagnosis before deciding to get out of the relationship and avoid further harm. There was very good agreement between check off list symptoms and the actual behaviors reported by the women in their narrative stories.
Also in honor of Valentine’s Day I will say that if you are an outgoing extraverted woman who greatly values her relationships, you are a target for sociopathic men. That is not to say others are not targeted, but ALL of the women who answered our survey fit this profile. We know that because we had them complete a temperament inventory. Common temperaments are also why we find such camaraderie here on this web site. In addition to being fellow victims, we are likely temperamentally similar.
On a personal level, Valentine’s Day is as bitter sweet as my favorite chocolate. I am in my mid forties, have three children, and have yet to experience a real partnership with a man. The reality is sinking in that perhaps this is not to be for me. My first priority has to be my role as mother and provider. The last time I tried to take a short cut to find a partner, I ended up with a sociopath. I simply do not have the time right now to fully devote toward finding and vetting a worthy partner. The importance of the vetting cannot be overstated!
Where does this leave me and perhaps you? Well, thankfully, a Valentine is not the be all and end all for a fulfilled life. The important need we all have is for connectedness and relatedness. Love relationships are but one venue to meet this need. Although I would like to end this post by saying that we will all one day find our Valentines, to do so would not be of service. It is better for me to say that we all have the potential for fulfillment and well-being with or without a Valentine. Today, I have well-being and fulfillment even though I do not have a Valentine.
To find out more about Women Who Love Psychopaths visit www.saferelationships.com.
I forgot to tell you what the card said that came with the roses. You’ll just love this.
“I wish you weren’t hurt. You’ve walked away from something special.”
Notice how all the responsibility is on me. He wishes I wasn’t hurt, but does he say how sorry he is? No. The onus is on me for being hurt and for walking away. And you know what? I’m glad to take the responsibility.
Jules, We’re all here and we can all listen, and we get it on the level that your mom can’t. We’ve been there, and we understand how compulsively you want to contact him. I promise that’s going to get easier with time but may never go away entirely. I still want to be sure he’s pulling the same crap elsewhere. I need the reassurance that he hasn’t managed to pull off the perfect life with someone else, the life that was supposed to have been mine, the happiness he promised me.
Do you remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? There’s a scene in there when Meg Ryan is talking about the old boyfriend who has been gone for quite a while, but she hears he’s getting married to someone else and she’s blown away, crying and saying, “WHY NOT ME?” That’s exactly the way I’ve felt when he moved on and looked happy with someone else. Why not me? Why couldn’t I have been the perfect one for him like he told me I was? Well, no one is ever going to be. His expectations are extremely unrealistic and he puts them off on one woman after another. He’s the one who is broken. Not me. NOT ME! I don’t care why anymore. I’m just glad it’s not me. The pressure was too much.
Jules- STOP contact!!! Take the focus off of him, what he is doing, who he is with, and his victims. Stop focusing on your depression about it. TRY to put positive focus on yourself and healing.
You said you don’t think you will feel the same with another man…the passion or whatever. You will, except it will be truth and not just a lie. They are walking/talking liars!! We begin to believe the lies they tell us and then we believe the feelings which are lies.
It is ironic about the age difference. I am older then the S too (look younger). His last victim before me was older. He has nothing to offer either and women fall to his feet. GROSS!
Vunerability, that is what they look for. I think that the older ones may be getting harder for him and he is now going for young ones…naivety. WHATEVER, who cares, we shouldnt. Only about ourselves now. SAVE OURSELVES from this madness. The game started with us and it has to stop with us. Make the move to stop for the goodness of you. You deserve it, he does not deserve any more of your time or energy. It is very difficult, I have thoughts of my S all day. But I force myself to carry on and change my thoughts to something else.
Stopping the contact is the first step. Take it!
My psycho walked out on me at the end of December last year after declaring his love, wanting to marry me and claiming I was the love of his life. By Valentimes Day, 6 weeks later, he was already in another relationship, wooing this woman with flowers, candy, dinner and a gift. He dumped her 6 weeks later.
Can’t wait to read the book.
Jules: Everyone here can relate! I’m still checking my cell phone and e-mail waiting for the perfect explanation and some closure. As much as I’m suffering every day, he appears to have just walked casually away–not a care in the world. These people are so frustrating and evil. A couple of weeks ago, he sent a ranting and desperate e-mail about how much he loves me and he will never be able to convince me, etc. I replied with a very thoughtful and kind e-mail clarifying my position. He never responded! I called after I didn’t hear from him–he made all kinds of excuses about why he didn’t have time to check the e-mail (for a week!) he sounded completely fine–like nothing had happened. These men are all operating on the same frequency–they can be great actors, getting us hooked on what we think they are going to give us. They only thing they are capable of delivering are lies. They won’t be any better to anyone else. I caught myself almost writing him today–I thought at the very least I could give him one last piece of my mind. Thank goodness I stopped myself. It serves no purpose except to give them more self-gratification. He never deserved me. I will grow and become stronger after what he put me through–he will always be a loser. His life will always be empty. We owe it to ourselves to move on. If your thoughts are always filled with him, you may be overlooking something right now that could bring you more happiness. Take care of yourself.
Jules,
I believe the compulsion to call your Bad Man will go away entirely as you continue to read here at LoveFraud and continue to get in touch with who your man was. If you are here then most likely he is a Sociopath through and through. I left mine on July 3, 2005. I saw him again for 15 minutes on November 29th, 2005. After I moved to CA, I moved back to the islands to Oahu… a TOTAL mistake but I wasn’t thinking all that clearly then, now was I? When I decided to turn around and go back, I happened to know he was on Oahu and my car seemed to drive straight to him as I was headed to the airport to leave Oahu for good. We had only had a few contacts via email and a phone call or two since I left Maui. Interestingly, he only took calls from me once he heard I was back in the islands.
Anyway, I was still confused then. You are still confused now. And yes, people who did not experience this will not understand this pull he has on you. As you read and read and read and let it sink in, at some point that cord will snap and he will be gone. Do everything you can to pull away away away!
He isn’t ANY OF THE THINGS YOU ARE LONGING FOR. He is fake fake fake!
Good bye BAD MAN! Good Bye!!!!!!
Come toward the light my dear… he is DARKNESS. I know I am being dramatic but I am smiling… I know how hard this is but you will break away from this. Life begins again once you do.
Today is my birthday and I’ve written on here how I was engaged on Valentine’s and that’s when he told me last year.
Well, today I got an e-mail from my lawyer saying that his lawyer sent in the Proposed Final Judgment and guess what? It was dated Feb. 14.
I knew he had something planned because his lawyer told mine he had dropped out of sight and they didn’t know what was going on. His lawyer has had the papers he needed to initial since Jan. 2.
Even though I knew he was going to do it, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I guess I even hoped I was wrong and he had some shred of decency in him, but he doesn’t.
Jules,
RUN don’t walk. Don’t waste your life on the Bad Man. It will be 20 years ago in Sept. that I met my Very Bad Man. I don’t regret meeting him because I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, but I’d give anything else to get those years back.
Listen to alohatraveler. RUN INTO THE LIGHT!
Oh Jules – when I read what you said, I am in that same place as you. Knowing that my exN has another woman in tow and that he is probably showing his best side to her and that they are making plans together. I do however, think that I maybe conning myself and that by now he will be playing a few of his tricks in order to lay down how HE wants to relationship to run. On the other hand, he being much younger is able to replace his victims fairly quickly. I would love to know about his past and what he has really been up to, because as we know they only tell us what they want us to know, part of their mystique. I saw him do so many strange things that I didnt question.
I understand your comments Jules, I am here also not able to meet anyone easily, being so much older, and I have never found it easy to click with or meet men anyway. I made sure I was away during Valentines Day. But it is hard Jules – and I really understand what you say. It may not be much consolation to say, that you are not alone Jules.
So ladies and gentlement, I got my Valentine’s bouquet from my very much EX. The card read Yours…..
What has he achieved?
1)Anyone who sees them gets a tug at their heartstrings and percieves him as the wistful , rejected mate.
2)If I am weak in any way, after maintaining NO CONTACT for over a month, I might just give him the satisfaction.
3)He can say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING while leaving me to my imaginings.
4)He can make me out to be the hard nosed bi…ch who is “breaking up the family”
5)He can tell the kids and then seem to be the in -the-dog- house dad. (which he did)
6)It only cost him $50 bucks.
But you know what? These flowers grace my table and they are alive and beautiful, vibrant and full of color and life. I can appreciate them, he can never enjoy the true beauty of anything. Who is richer in their life? What a barren existence, a life sentence it must be to simply get out of bed every morning and have to “play the game” To have to do the mental tabulation of your lies and your liabilities, your assets and your secrets. to choose the face you will wear today, the moment and opportunity you will jump at your prey. Only to never satisfy your hunger, to never be sated. It must be hell.
And who would choose to go there for the sake of a mirage???
Jules: yes Valentines Day was tough – all I could think of all day was who he already was wooing and taking out for a wonderful dinner, some music, wine and flirty but mysterious conversation – as I know how the whole show will play out. She will think she has found the treasure and he will know he has her hooked. Once they have sex, she will be so in awe of his ways and then the games will begin. Then my mind wanders to if he will make it work for them, because he learned so much from me. But I have to remember – as every post on this site confirms…. that is not how it goes. We here all know exactly the pattern and I dont wish to be part of it.
I came home and had soup for dinner, watched some tv and went to bed at 8:30pm. Happy Valentines Day to me. But you know, I realized not only was it more peaceful than many days with him, there are alot of disappointed lonely women on Valentines Day – and they HAVE a partner. I might have been a little lonely but I wasnt sick inside from another trick of his. I try to find the little things that I can be thankful for and just having a peaceful evening is a blessing.
Keep on moving forward Jules – we all have down days and days we want to run back. Try to distract your thoughts and wait for a new day to come and you can feel strong again. If you must dial the phone, make yourself call a friend first.
tryingtorecover,
Happy Birthday!! I made a cake today. It must have been for you.
Aloha and many more happy ones.