As a victim of love fraud, I have two reactions to Valentine’s Day. First, I hate the thought of all those sociopaths out there male and female, who are using this day to lock in their next victims. Early in relationships, sociopaths present themselves as great partners. They certainly don’t pass up the chance to pour on the charm on a day like Valentine’s Day. Furthermore, since they can be very focused on sex, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for them to score. My vision of Valentine sociopaths includes those who are simultaneously wooing more than one victim. Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”
My second reaction to Valentine’s Day is that I am reminded of all those who have loved sociopaths only to be harmed in every sphere of their lives. Cupid’s Arrow can be deadly if the result is involvement with a sociopath.
These two reactions bring me to an announcement. That is that Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I have completed our book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I apologize for the fact that we do not yet have a book for men who have been involved with psychopathic women, but we had to start somewhere.
The book summarizes the results of a survey we conducted on nearly 100 women who have been involved with sociopaths/psychopaths/pathological narcissists. As part of this survey, women completed check lists of symptoms of sociopathy/psychopathy on their partners and we compared the results of these checklists to their narrative stories.
The most important message I have for you is that if you think your man is a sociopath you are very likely to be correct. You do not have to wait for a formal diagnosis before deciding to get out of the relationship and avoid further harm. There was very good agreement between check off list symptoms and the actual behaviors reported by the women in their narrative stories.
Also in honor of Valentine’s Day I will say that if you are an outgoing extraverted woman who greatly values her relationships, you are a target for sociopathic men. That is not to say others are not targeted, but ALL of the women who answered our survey fit this profile. We know that because we had them complete a temperament inventory. Common temperaments are also why we find such camaraderie here on this web site. In addition to being fellow victims, we are likely temperamentally similar.
On a personal level, Valentine’s Day is as bitter sweet as my favorite chocolate. I am in my mid forties, have three children, and have yet to experience a real partnership with a man. The reality is sinking in that perhaps this is not to be for me. My first priority has to be my role as mother and provider. The last time I tried to take a short cut to find a partner, I ended up with a sociopath. I simply do not have the time right now to fully devote toward finding and vetting a worthy partner. The importance of the vetting cannot be overstated!
Where does this leave me and perhaps you? Well, thankfully, a Valentine is not the be all and end all for a fulfilled life. The important need we all have is for connectedness and relatedness. Love relationships are but one venue to meet this need. Although I would like to end this post by saying that we will all one day find our Valentines, to do so would not be of service. It is better for me to say that we all have the potential for fulfillment and well-being with or without a Valentine. Today, I have well-being and fulfillment even though I do not have a Valentine.
To find out more about Women Who Love Psychopaths visit www.saferelationships.com.
Movedoninpain
Hi everyone,
I too have been a victim of love fraud, and found this website, the related to others stories and time, and therapy is allowing me to move on from the horror of that short abusive lies lies lies marriage that I got out of after 4 months. He stalked me for awhile. I found out I was wife #6, plus 2 live ins that he financially wiped out. He got all the women’s homes and had them go in busines with him, being they worked he spent the money. He was into swinger lifestyle and worse, the more yousaid ok to to please him, and not get the silent treatment or worse, the further risks he would take sexually, always at the woman’s expense. I recently found a post on Craigslits, with his picture and his charming, Starter Introduction line for Men wanting to meet women, it starts alwasy with “Explore the possiblities” Well then he goes on with a bio on him, and a pic of 6 years ago of him, now he is supposedly dying! oh lord,finding this, 1st scares me for the women still he preys upon, but yet, it felt somewhat healing to see that YES he did this to me too… I was dumb and blind, I saw signs 2 weeks after I moved in with him, and wanted to leave, but didn’t as my paretns, the 35k I had invested in the home, which he never put in the home, I trusted a con man, and my children and my mother and father did too. Anyway, here is his Valentine Day posting on CL’s. Be careful out there ladies, he is looking for a vulnerable woman he sells a beautiful package, but now he sells it with feel sorry for me too, as I am down on my luck!!! He is hunting for wifey #7. God help the poor gal that links with him… here is his post… without names, or anything… see any familarities, from Northern California, BE WARE OF HIM….(p.s. i paid 6 thousand for an attorney, and had this marriage anulled based on his failure to disclose to me before we were married his sexual perversions, and his bisexuality and preference for me to have sex with many men while he watched, or him with transvetites… I had to testify in open court to his lies. but I was vindicated and judge honored an annullment. The lies and the horror I lived in a few short months have been over since 4/2007 however I am still healing from the pain. It is the worst blow to my psyche I think I have ever had!!! My adult children too, who loved him, they feel they let me down and didn’t notice the signs too? They didn’t he was groomed to be this way, his father a cross dresser, his sister molesting him and letting her friends molest him while she laughed at him at young ages, a dominating mother, he hates women, and would love to be with a man, but likes to APPEAR in the world normal, but lord, if you marry him, its ALL out, and it is scary and terrible to survive, I came out only 35K down, his other wives, lost their homes, and more!! he has twin daughters, they never knew of me!!! He barely contacts them, when he needs to borrow money! Their mother was wifey #2, she got the hell out of California shortly after the children were born, she was smart!!! I have met two wives, they helped me get thru the anullment, shared stories, he wastn’ as sexually abusive in their marriages, but it was heading there… anyway, one stayed 4 years. lost everything, loads of legal fees, so here is that posting for Valenties day…
actually this is posting responding to a woman interstedin him, it’s cracking me up!!! His picture attached to it ( I didn’t post that here) I wish I could to warn everyone…
here it is HIS Ad I call him Satan (me and his other wives do) lol
“I apologize for not responding sooner. I wrote my ad because I really want to
share my life
with a woman with whom I can experience all the wonderful and beautiful feelings
and emotions
found in the best of any fairy tale writings.
You sound like a woman with a beautiful and kind soul. I would welcome the
warmth of your smile
and reach out to you offering my hand that we may walk in unity down whatever
path we had chosen
for the moment.
Being a proud man at times I feel inadequate to provide, or bring to the table
so to speak, the
financial stability at this time, which I will address later, that I was
accustomed to. Being old fashioned
I find it hard to accept that someone would understand this single thought of
insecurity I foster at this time.
I suppose I’ve decided to set aside my emotions fo the moment by writing to you
in hopes that perhaps
you too might want to be blessed with a true and meaningful relationship such as
I, while understanding
that the nature of the economy at this time has affected many people not just
myself.
I know it is important that many woman have some sort of need for a successful
man to at least provide
a feeling of security. I also suspect that many women have been taken advantage
by men in the past which
I find inexcusable but I assure you that I am not capable of such behavior. I am
a giving man, not a taker
which is attributed to my Mothers wonderful upbringing of me.
Here’s a little about me that may help you determine if you’d like to explore
the possibilities.
I was born in Berkeley and have lived in the bay area ever since. I have 2 older
sisters
and 2 Beautiful Twin daughters. My girls live in Oklahoma attending college.
Their fantastic
mom and I were divorced when they were very young and she retreated to her home
in
OKC. Nice place to Fly over in my opinion. Raised by my Mother due to an early
divorce
and growing up in a family of women I have the utmost respect for women.
I really am a true Gentleman and very much old fashioned as far as treating all
women with
respect. I open all doors, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, pull out chairs,
stand when
a lady gets up from her chair, enters the room, I’m a good listener, polite,
Christian attending
church when able, often referred to as being very intelligent, loving, sensual,
wear my heart on my
sleeve (not always a good thing), past boy scout, past master counselor
(Demolay), past president W.C.
Jaycees, past president Mt. Diablo Young Citizens and a lot of other things that
have made me who
I am today etc ………..
Been self employed for most of my life except for the present. I’ve been in real
estate since 1979, left the resale market in 2000 and open my appraisal company.
Due to the market crash and present conditions I had to humble myself and take a
job at the Home Depot to supplement my income. I’m a flooring specialist which
keeps me in the housing loop which I really enjoy. My supplemental job however
has turned into my
primary source of income with my appraisal co. continuing to be almost non
existent. Most of my business clients have closed their doors and gone out of
business or bankrupt. This being the case my income has been drastically reduced
from 125K +/- to one sufficient to cover my living expenses. It’s a terrible
situation
affecting the whole economy as I’m sure you are aware, but one can only hope
that times ahead will
bring us all some relief and recovery.
As for what I’m looking for I prefer to say, I’m not looking, but rather hope to
be blessed with a life partner someday to explore the approaching golden years
of life
with. I hope she will be youthful in spirit, kind, loving, sensual, adventurous
and wanting to be loved as I will love her.
So now you have a little idea of what I’m about. I’m not going to ask that you
tell me about yourself here as I much prefer meeting in person so I can look
into your eyes as
a pathway to your soul which in my experience reveals much more than this form
of communication.
So if you wish to continue let me know. If not, I understand and I wish you the
very best in whatever you desire
LOL he signs it, see how he is telling her what a beautiful sould she has? How deep he is getting, all she did was say to him, if you want a pic of me, please send me your email address as Craigslist won’t let me post!! i hope they publically write more so I can see if she goes for it, I hope not!!!!
Movedoninpain
I loved the letter written to yourself. How empowering.
Very smart, and so good to be good to yourself. Nurture your spirit, and your son will see his mothers strength and love, and KNOW that she deserves love, and he is loving and kind as you are! What a powerful posting, and just what I needed to read, awesome. You are all amazing women… with miracles of life handed to you, freedom from the pain of living a lie!!! God Bless
Ox Drover
Wow, Movedoninpain, he is really a “word smith” he should make a fortune writing those “lust and smut” novels with the pictures of the hunk on the front! He is missing his calling in a legitimate industry!
I would love to have a “date” with his fictional character—ahhhhh, what romance—NOT! LOL
There may be some legitimately nice people on the internet date sites, but how could you get to know someone well enough (after our encounters anyway with people we met in real life) to get involved with someone on the internet.
My son married his NOW X WIFE (Thank you God!) he met on the internet and she took him for an 8 yr ride and then tried to kill him–she just got out of jail a few days ago, and is on 3 yrs probation, and back up to her sneaky financial tricks. She also stole $24,000 from my elderly mom, but we got most of it back after her arrest. Her boyfriend and coconspiritor is still in prison. I will be at his parole hearing though so hopefully even with prison over crowding, he will spend most of his sentence inside. He is a habitual criminal including molestation of 3 kids, 9, 11 and 14. Of course he has told her that the ages and number of kids molested is “all a big mistake” the prison system made….yea,, right! She is waiting for him.
What amazes me is that this woman is not stupid, she is apparently Borderline Personality Disorder (rather than P or N I think) and seems to pick men that will abuse her, my son would not abuse her, but she needed support while she took care of her disabled son who has recently died, so she no longer has that ball and chain around her leg, and can go find a man who will abuse her. (the push pull of the BPD) We found photographs after her arrest of her bound and gagged and S&M stuff, and she had not even had the couth to cover her face in them, but was there for all the world to see. So I guess she really does like guys that “take control” and beat her—duh!
I am just glad that my son got out of the situation alive.
While personality disordered people can be very and seriously dangerous, so if you ONLY lost money, or ONLY lost your house, feel lucky that you didnt lose your life. I know that is a backwards way to look at it, but I don’t whine any more about the money they (multiple Ps) have cost me, whatever it cost it was worth the price to finally “see the light” and to realize what I was doing wrong to let these people keep abusing me—unfortunately one gave birth to me,k one was my sire and I gave birth to the third, and dated the 4th! DUH, I get it now!!!!
Tea Light
Liane writes: ”Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”
Where do I sign? x
I love what eyeswideshut wrote back in 2008 …”What a barren existence, a life sentence it must be to simply get out of bed every morning and have to “play the game” To have to do the mental tabulation of your lies and your liabilities, your assets and your secrets. to choose the face you will wear today, the moment and opportunity you will jump at your prey. Only to never satisfy your hunger, to never be sated. It must be hell.
And who would choose to go there for the sake of a mirage??? ”
EXACTLY.
fixerupper
Very touching stories. So much emotion and feelings of longing.
The original set of posts are 5 years old, so I wonder how they are all doing now.
Louise
Tea Light:
Yes, we know them, don’t we? x
Tea Light
Lou, we do my love, we do. Happy Valentine’s Day !!x
Tea Light
Fixer, yes I hope all these posters are doing well today, and Happy Valentine’s to you!! x
Ox Drover
Fiixeerupper, I’m doing pretty well, thank you for asking. Alohatraveler is also doing well, just finished her masters in social work and has her license.
Haven’t heard from Beverly in a while, but last we heard she was doing great!
As for the rest of the people who posted back then, well they drifted away at some point and so don’t know how they are doing now.
But yea, this is a great article.
Louise
Tea Light:
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Speaking of where people are, we haven’t heard from Athena lately.
And what happened to Raggedy Ann?? I am not being flippant; I truly wonder what happened after the upside down writing?