Every Sunday my local newspaper, the Press of Atlantic City, prints the names of servicemen and women who died the previous week in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every Sunday, I make myself read the names. It’s the least I can do to honor their sacrifice. Today, Veterans Day, the newspaper printed a story about a local young man, a private, killed in Baghdad six months ago. I’m afraid I couldn’t read the story—it was too upsetting.
Veterans Day was always important to my ex-husband, James Montgomery. He wanted to show his patriotism and commemorate the comrades he lost in Vietnam as a member of the Australian military. In fact, when we met, 25 years after Vietnam, Montgomery claimed he was still affiliated with Special Forces. Military service was an important part of his persona.
This is an important part my upcoming book, Cracked Open, about life with a sociopath. An excerpt follows.
Veterans Day, 1996
In November 1996, James was invited to speak to schoolchildren about the importance of Veterans Day. A few days before the holiday, he went to a sixth-grade classroom in nearby Somers Point, New Jersey. With him were Joe Nickles, who had been an Army drill sergeant, and Bill Ross, who was a local mayor and had served in World War II. The three men sat on kid-sized chairs in the front of the room, talking about life in the military and answering questions from students. A teacher in the back of the classroom operated a video camera, transmitting the presentation to the rest of the school via closed circuit TV.
Each of the men spoke of their experiences in a way the children could understand. They talked about the training and the commitment. They explained what kept them going under fire—concern for their buddies.
A boy asked James a question: “Did you lose any friends in Vietnam?”
James answered slowly. “Yes,” he said, stretching out the word, “and I felt very sad when it happened. That’s why Veterans Day is so important. It’s a time to remember all those served their country, especially those who gave their lives.”
Standing in the back of the room, I was proud of everything James did to protect the rest of us.
When Veterans Day actually arrived on Monday, November 11, 1996, James planned to attend a ceremony in Mays Landing, New Jersey. The previous year, James was the keynote speaker. The Press of Atlantic City reported that he “recounted service-to-the-nation stories about comedienne Martha Raye and retired Major Dick Meadows, who led the raid on Son Tay to rescue POWs.” The local Mays Landing Record Journal ran a photo of him wearing his Special Forces beret and camouflage jacket in the rain.
I was supposed to meet him at the ceremony. But as I was ready to leave, I discovered that James had taken his car keys—and mine as well. After a moment of dismay, I was relieved—work deadlines were looming, and I really didn’t have time to drive out to Mays Landing, stand at a ceremony, and drive back. But my efficient and logical thinking didn’t go over well with my husband.
“Why didn’t you turn up?” he demanded when he arrived home.
“I was going to,” I said. “You took my car keys.”
“You could have come if you wanted to. You could have called a taxi,” he retorted, without acknowledging his own mistake.
I was astounded. “Are you kidding? That would cost a fortune!” I said. “And I’ve got a lot of work. I was better off staying home and getting it done.”
“It appears that what is important to your husband is not important to you,” he said. “Gale understood how important this is. She used to iron my uniforms.”
James stomped downstairs to his office, and I was left to wonder about being compared to my husband’s deceased wife. I felt guilty—temporarily—and then I went back to work.
Never in the military
What I know now, that I did not know in 1996, was that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was never in the military.
From what I can tell, Montgomery had been including military service in his biographical profiles and resumes since at least 1980. He sent me a copy of the “mention in dispatches” report that recounted his heroism in Vietnam, for which he was awarded the Victoria Cross, Australia’s highest military honor. While we were married, Montgomery was active in the local chapter of the Vietnam Veterans of America. In gratitude for his contributions, the VVA gave Montgomery a plaque, which he hung on the wall.
After I left Montgomery, I began to suspect it was all a lie. I got my proof in 2005, shortly before I launched Lovefraud.com. I sent my copies of Montgomery’s military records—and they were voluminous—to an organization called Australian and New Zealand Military Impostors. The organization’s investigators—all former military men—determined that every document was fabricated.
“We hold copies of documents that indicate he has been constructing his false history over many years and we have never before run across such an obviously labour intensive project,” ANZMI wrote. “Montgomery gets the award for the wannabe who tried the hardest to perpetuate his fraud while also being the most incredibly stupid.”
For more on Montgomery’s fake military service, read the following links. If his actions weren’t so despicable, they’d actually be quite entertaining.
Forged Victoria Cross citation (Scroll down to James Montgomery)
Montgomery’s military claims debunked
Thousands of impostors
Unfortunately, Montgomery is not alone. As documented on the Is he military? page of Lovefraud.com, thousands of men and women exaggerate the accomplishments of their military service, or claim to have served when they never did. VeriSEAL.org has exposed more than 35,000 men who falsely claimed to be Navy SEALS. This is especially shocking because only 11,000 men actually graduated from the SEAL training program. And the POW network, which exposes false or exaggerated military claims, can’t even count how many liars are listed on its website.
Some of these people with trumped up military claims are relatively harmless. They just want to seem important when they aren’t. But many of the impostors are sociopaths. They use the mantle of respectability that goes with military service in order to con people. Or, they con the government, stealing military benefits that they don’t deserve.
Almost a year ago, on December 20, 2006, the U.S. Stolen Valor Act was signed into law. It addresses the unauthorized wearing, manufacture or selling of military decorations and medals. Some cases are being prosecuted. The United States Attorney’s Office in the western district of Washington is prosecuting eight cases in which phony veterans have scammed more than $1.4 million.
It’s a start.
Australia has laws against claming false military service. Montgomery could be subject to a fine of $3,300 and jail time of up to six months. The sentence is ridiculously light, but the law is rarely, if ever, enforced.
So by faking the respectability of military heroism, my ex-husband, James Montgomery, scammed over $1 million from myself and four other women that I know about. I did manage to get him fired from his job by exposing him in the Australian media. But so far, James Montgomery, like most military impostors, has not been prosecuted.
adamsrib:
I’m back. There is nothing wrong with you!! Sorry, your urge might be gone by now, but I am here to tell you it is OK! I feel the same way I hate to admit. I haven’t heard from him in two months, but I have to ask myself what I would do if I did. I remember back to when I was involved with him and how just one text from him could make me think that he must really care about me…how pathetic I was! It is definitely an addiction and one that not one of my friends could understand. I was/am absolutely addicted; there is no question. My friends just didn’t get it. They just thought I was crazy. How could I ever try to explain it to them?? I tried, but it always fell on deaf ears and I just looked like a psycho myself. I had never experienced these feelings in my life and I am old. It’s not like I am 21 or something. I often wonder if I could go to one of those places out in California…those beautiful spa-like places where you get over drug addictions…do they help with being addicted to a person?? I wonder if the spaths realize they are making us addicted?
I am so glad you have a new man. I cannot even bring myself to think about it. I have a very nice man friend who is totally in love with me, but I have known him for 20 years and there is no sex there anymore. But anyway, even the thought of being with someone new…I just can’t do it and that is scary to me. Will I want this other one forever?? I scare myself because sometimes I feel like the good ones are not exciting enough for me; I become bored…Oh God…am I an spath????? Here I am trying to help you, but I need probably more help than you do…sorry!! 🙁 Help!
eb thanks so much for the response-it is VERY helpful. Yes I see it now as an addiction thanks to Donna adding a line. It made my day too as someone here said earlier (forgive me for not remembering who-I am wrecked today!)
You pose a very interesting idea-a spa for love addictions that specializes in spath encounters! What a GREAT idea! Donna, maybe you can start one-we will all bombard you on opening day 🙂
I AM feeling scared about my new friend. I am so glad that he is shy like me and is not wanting to go further than we need to at this point. Sky’s thought on looking for a friend not a lover got me through the date! I did not even worry about the physical thing-I am still so vulnerable in that area!
I too had the thought “what if I get bored because he is not a bad boy”? Plus I have been missing the addiction (the ex).
I am taking Oxy’s advise and taking it a day at a time!! Meaning the healing AND the new friend! He has had experience with a spath ex too and is just as cautious.
I sometimes worry that I am narc especially worried that others will think that when I talk about my workouts, dates, my ex narc who thinks I “look like him” etc. We are on guard many of us have PTSD. I know that I am a good person who feels love and concern (gets me into trouble sometimes). I’m ok. So are you EB.
Thanks again for getting back to me. You guys are so awesome!
92044 and AR,
You both have to realize that the kind of “love” we felt with the spath is NOT normal. It’s just too intense. Don’t look for that again and don’t expect it from a normal man because if that kind of high is what you look for, you will find ANOTHER SPATH.
Take drugs instead. It’s safer. Pass the crack pipe, please!
😉
Edit: and cheaper
adamsrib:
You are welcome!
Having a spa for love addicts would be a great thing! Think about it…they have these places for alcohol and drugs, why not for being addicted to a “person?”
Yeah, it’s a very scary thought to think I will never be attracted to someone if they are not a bad boy so glad to hear I am not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes I think I am.
But Oxy just made me realize that I can make MYSELF feel alive again!! I don’t need some psycho to do it! 🙂
skylar:
Haha, you are so right!!! And you said something that I had actually told the OW in the triangulation. We would have chats and she was also struggling (this is when we were still talking and before I realized that she lied to me more than he did!!). Anyway, that is what I had told HER. I remember telling her that what we were feeling was not normal…that for him to evoke that much emotion in us, it had to be spathic. It just wasn’t normal or right. Wow!!!
I know this all to be true so I guess I will have to resign myself to realizing that feeling that is not normal. I will have to accept that being with a good man will be all the reward I will need; to be with someone who is not going to cheat and lie. We were addicted to their extremely high testosterone levels. That is #10 in the 10 signs. The first time I read that, I about died. It became so obvious to me after that. My spath must have extremely high levels of testosterone…coming out of his pores!
If you think it might be helpful to to you, you can google “love addicts anonomous and read the 40 questions section, also the 12 steps. I can tell you that the 12 steps have aided me in this process, right from the get go!
I continue to work them, today.
kim frederick:
Thank you! I will do that now 🙂
I found the site, but I couldn’t find the 40 questions or the 12 steps.
Never mind…I found it…thanks!
oh my.