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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I met another sociopath on MillionaireMatch.com

Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader.

I went on a date last night with a man I met on MillionaireMatch.com.

Looked great on paper. His photograph was so-so and I didn’t expect much.

We met at a restaurant and when he walked in I thought to myself, “Oh that’s not him; he’s too good looking.” Well it turned out to be him. We introduced, started talking and he teased me, and asked if I was buying dinner. That was my first red flag. Why would a proclaimed millionaire ask me to pay? I thought perhaps he was screening out gold diggers. We never left the bar nor had dinner, although he paid for an appetizer and drink.

He talked about his life including his sexual conquests with twin 24-year-old girls and he’s 45 like me. Why on earth would a normal, emotionally mature man talk about his three-way sex life with girls half his age on a first date? What did he think? I would be impressed with his virility? Red flag number 2.

Despite this, I see he has fallen in love with me and is ready to monogram the china. He talks about how I need to move closer, and what a good time we’re going to have. He tells me about how he is remodeling his house, and talks about the high-dollar materials, marble flooring, etc., that are going into the house.

He’s annoyingly hands-on and acts as if we are a item and tells me he feels as if he’s known me forever and how beautiful I am and how we’re perfect for each other, blah, blah, blah. Then he starts the manipulative web-spinning procedure and says things to me to create self-doubt in myself and make me feel as if I couldn’t possibly function without him. He told me I was compulsive but he would help me with my problems. Compulsive is the last damn thing I am. Now I’m starting to get creeped out.

He invites himself to my house Saturday night to sit in my hot tub. Red flag number 3. I said, “I want to see your house and all the new construction.” He says maybe the third date. I’m thinking, “What are you hiding?”

I look at my watch and say I must go home. We leave the restaurant. My car is parked out front because there was plenty of parking in the parking lot. In fact, my car was the only car in the parking lot and I asked him where his car was. He said he had it valeted and it was in the parking garage 2 blocks away. There was no valet at that restaurant. Red flag number 4. He must be driving a real piece of crap and if I were to see it, I would doubt the millionaire story.

This morning he calls me and leaves a message about how I missed spooning with him in the bed. My blood is now curdling.

I text him and said I was going to do a full search on him; it’s just something I do since I have been conned out of a lot of money by other men. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again. You understand.

He texted back and said we’re done talking.

Busted!!!! Any caring emotionally healthy man would have nothing to hide and be impressed with my desire to protect myself.

Now I get it, Donna”¦ Now I know the reason. Now I know what to look for, what to hear, and when to run.


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69 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I met another sociopath on MillionaireMatch.com"

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That is such an AWESOME story!

I live the line de delivers back… “we’re done talking.”

My ex uses that line all the time when I caught him in stuff. it would be like “Im hanging up” “Im going to go now.”

All those red flags you might have missed if not for knowing what you know.

And you definately were not out of place by doing what you did and saying what you said.

Talk about the guy doing an about face. You should run the check on him anyway just for giggles.

What loser talks about doing two women on the first date. Nutjob.

Ugh

Good for you that you ran.

FANTASTIC story!!! It is so much easier to detect them now, isn’t it? As soon as he spoke about the three-way, I would have dumped him right there. No second date!

I want to leave my comment, to the reader’s letter. Just one simple question: why are you looking for men at millionareMatch? Are you looking for millionare? Why in partcular do you want to hook up with a millionare? So that you could divorce him and claim 50% of whatever he has?

Isn’t it obvious that millionare.com is similar to any other scams?

Man, I can’t believe this from the title! I never knew there was a MillionaireMatch.com website! It figures that it would be full of con artists. Could the site not be a con as well???

So, I search and find it and no matter what I put in its search engine, it always comes back: “There are 500 . . . it’s free to look . . . ”

No matter how much I restrict the search, it is the same. 500.

Do I want to register to get access because it is “free” and waste my time?

No, heck NO!

Then why should anyone think that they are going to get anything but disappointment from such a site that so obviously appeals to the greed in all of us???

Sad thing is that most con artists deliver their punch line rationalizing taking you by stating something to the effect, ‘Well, if you weren’t so greedy . . . ‘ Insinuating that you acted out of greed trying to take advantage of some decoy their hunted you with and YOU DESERVE to lose!

Or, in my case: “X, you knew I was on drugs when you met me. You KNEW I was vulnerable.” Hence, her excuse, rationalization and LICENSE enabling her to take full advantage of me!

Heck, I didn’t know she was on drugs and I certainly wasn’t trying to take advantage of her. But she presented a picture that was too good to be true.

And it’s my fault!

What woman always says she’ll let you decide and go with whatever decision you make? As a man, I thought I’d found a woman so feminine and submissive that I needed to take really good care of her and cherish her.

Man, was I had! Was I naive! She didn’t need me! At least not any longer than it took her to get her accumulated debts paid and deplete my limited resources.

Likewise, I’ll stay off MillionaireMatch.com. I want a partner, a team player. I don’t care what she has or doesn’t have for resources. I only want someone who cares enough for me to build a life together, to work hard together supporting our family.

The best enterprises start from nothing and prevail because of hard work, team work, sacrifice of self for the good of the union, for the greater good of the marriage.

Maybe that site ought to be recognized for the Gold Diggers it is designed to attract and called GoldDiggers.com?

Forgive my sarcasm but it seems so obvious that it is a losing site for losers, not for real men & women.

Hey, Holehearted, your congratulations seem premature:

She didn’t run, she jumped right in!

To gr8ful70x7:

If you read the post carefully, you would notice that this entire story took place over one date. This is common with Sociopaths. They lay it on thick and are way-too-in-to-you right from the get go. They also paint themselves as accomplished and blah blah blah…. And some are more subtle that the story above.

Please don’t come here and attack people that are sharing their story. This is a safe place to “Tell the truth even if we look stupid” to others who maybe don’t understand. Besides, I don’t think the author looks stupid… she looks darn smart to me.

Respectfully,
Alohatraveler

I do have to say I agree in some respects with stemcell and gra8tful to some extent.

Maybe that site was built for rich people tp attract other rich people. So then why is it cheaper than match.com? Or is it free just to look?

Anyway they have a point… the whole thing seems fishy… like it was started by some cons to attract people who might be a bit on the greedy side?

Read this review of the site…

http://www.cupidsreviews.com/dating/Millionaire-Match.html

Another site says its…

Male / female ratio – 80% Women, 20% Men

Hmmm that’s a real big gap there. What are a woman’s chance of finding man on there?

Also, are you telling me there are more rich women than men? Or is that there are more women searching for rich men than there are men searching for rich women?

The site itself is not that impressive and looks amatuerish right?

I bet it was started by a few cons looking for marks.

It might be partially legit… who knows. But it seems like too easy of a site for conpersons to utilize.

Ugh I am so turned off to men and dating and sex I just want to throw up about the whole thing.

I just turned 40 and everything is so different now as far as how I feel about myself. I just feel like the best years of my life were wasted.

Thanks, Alohatraveler for your comment re. posting on this website without fear of condemnation. Sometimes it just helps to share the fall out of our actions. Its all about helping others feel less alone & giving hope for a better life.

The internet dating situation is the perfect hunting ground for predators of all types. A friend shared a book with me by Dr. Neil CLark Warren, founder of e-harmony, called “Finding the love of your life”. Get yourself healthy…(Chap. 4) has info about sociopaths and other disorders to run for your life from if you should see the signs. Its too easy for internet predators to hide their lies, craziness, post false info and pictures. Its only my opinion but I think seeing the signs this way is impossible. The thought of a first date under these circumstances is enough to give me nightmares. I’ve talked to others who have had terrible internet dating experiences, some VERY scary. Be careful, be very careful if this is the route anyone decides to take. Especially if you see major parts of your life here on lovefraud.

Come on then – anyone for lovefraudsingles.com?!

(Though I’m a better candidate for codependantsingles.com – people who are financially independent, don’t think they’re god’s gift to the opposite sex, believe everyone can be fixed and like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt!)

Pah. Better to have loved and lost, innit? Innit??

I have just finally dispensed with a relationship with a man who I had an on and off relationship with, for nearly a year and a half. Unfortunately, through exhaustion, emotional anxiety, and stress I have suffered through this man’s behaviour – I have since realised by trawling round the internet that this man is without doubt a sociopath. When I walked into a pub one day and he was there, he said that I was the one. From then, he sent me 48 txt messages the first night I gave him my number, he was like a kid with a new toy, said I ticked all his boxes. Only at the time I was flattered and didnt really understand till the end what boxes he was ticking. As soon as he gained my committment and loyalty his odd behaviour started, cancelling arrangements, not contacting me on some days – particularly Wednesdays, keeping his phone on a Pin number. He had 13 phones when I first met him and he had lived and worked all over the place. For a man of 40 who worked 60 hrs a week, he had no money. lived in a squalid rented room and frequently ran out of money after being paid. At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but then as things went along, he was doing lots of odd bits of behaviour that didnt seem to add up. I asked him lots of questions and he often gave me very vague answers or answers I couldnt check. He emotionally manipulated me and said and did things that would drive me crazy. If I rang him at work, he would turn his phone off. I couldnt get into his phone, but I started to check him out, checking where he was, but i think he was very clever and he protected his privacy fiercely. We must have broke up ten times and each time he would either throw all my gifts away or I would find them in a bag on my doorstep the next day. Then a week or so later, I would get a txt out of the blue, asking if I still had his coat..etc..and stupidly I would take him back. During the last part of this summer I decided I would take him back the last time. We were in a pub and he gave me one of his old phones to have (it was not even a month old) and as I fired it up I saw phone numbers that he had obviously collected from women at work and I realised that he had found himself a nice little job working as virtually the only male in a building full of females, nurses, social workers etc. I asked him to explain the numbers or collect his belongings. An hour or two later I came home and found him stuffing his belongings into a bag as quickly as possible. He borrowed a phone of mine and on checking it I found the evidence that he had been having an intimate relationship. I suspect that he had a number of relationships and probably used chat/sex lines. I dont know what I saw in him, he had nothing to offer and he wasnt very nice as a person – gruff, arrogant, rigid, judgemental. I got rid of him over two months ago, but i cant stop thinking about him – which shows me how much he brainwashed me and I am quite intelligent. I have since realised that my father was also probably a sociopath, he was cold and unfeeling too and walked out on my mother who was ill with two kids and just made himself a new life with someone else without a thought for us.

My ex cleverly regulated contact with me through use of his mobile phone, turning it off when convenient, replying or not replying to txt msgs when it suited him, or not replying altogether. Using a variety of excuses to cancel arrangements at short notice. Going AWOL. Strangely, when I first met him, he was punctual and reliable, but that soon slipped when he obviously felt he had won me over. Causing turbulence by hinting at indiscretions or bizarre statements that made me freak out and wonder what he was up to. Then after yet another break up, we got back together (in my mind for the last time) and I vowed that I would sit back and watch him closely. He behaved very well and consistently for the first month or so, he even bought me some gifts, and then his inconsistent behaviour came up, Looking back, I think he was grooming me. After a particularly painful break up, he sent me a txt, saying that after what we had been through and what I put up with, he realised what I was worth to him. When I read these words, I realised that I meant nothing to him, other than my worth (he was going to move into my house) and that he was obviously grooming me to get the best of both worlds, that I shelter him, whilst he messes around with other women and whatever else he gets up to (I hate to think, but have some ideas) and that I would be there for him (I did commit half way through – and he knew it) whilst he messes with my mind, emotions and life. When I looked into the future, all I could see with him, was a life of sadness, neglect and degredation – and I am worth much more than that.

Yeah well it’s the same words, actions and lies from different mouths.

They all think they are so original. Meanwhile my sisiter has an ex-husband and he is with another woman and he says the same things to her. “I don’t love her I just don’t want to be alone.”

This is exactly what my ex say to me. It’s strange. It’s like they read the same manual or something.

I wish I could find some motivation to love again.

Girls, I’ve been there too. Many crazy nights with cell phone turned off and on silent. Crazy stories that don’t add up, bizarre answers to normal questions, deceit, the sky is purple, yeah it’s purple when you’re looking at blue.

Anyway, you will love this one. I had had it one night, about 6 mos. of the crazy behavior and by this time I’d noticed that he was looking at other women to the point they’d notice him right in front of me. It was like a contest. Some sort of sicko game for the truly insecure…like “Look at me….I need attention.” And he would smile like a proud peacock right in front of me. Of course, he told me everyday how much he loved me, how much I rocked his world, how he never had anything so intense, blah, blah. (I kinda suspect that with psychos both can be true…. they can be madly in love with you and still want to seek out other women at the same time.)

Anyway, on 4th of July 2006, my psycho boyfriend invited me to a party with friends of his I never met before. I was uncomfortable because they had been doing some serious drinking before we arrived late. The friend’s girfriend was very affectionate to my boyfriend when we arrived. I noticed that her boyfriend was inside the house. When my boyfriend saw his friend and began talking, she (girlfriend) disappeard inside the house and avoided me. Weird.

Right before we left I watched him, with my two eyes, stare straight on into another girl’s face to get her attention (what is interesting is even though this girl was very attractive, she was interested in another guy and talking to him when my psycho pulled this stunt.) It is the psycho stare with both eyes that don’t blink. It isn’t sexy or cute; it’s domination. I was shocked. He was attracted to this single girl at the party and tried to get her attention with me standing on the other side of the room! I quickly said, I’m leaving (I drove). We got in the car and I said nothing. My blood boiled for 20 minutes on the way home.

When I got into my house I looked at him and said, “What in the hell where you doing? What was going on in that house with your friends that you haven’t seen since you’ve dated me? Why all the hugging with your friends girlfriend? Why did you stare down the single girl right under my nose?”

He denied it all. Said I imagined every bit of it; I am insecure. Said, “Why would I “come-on” to a woman with you right there? That doesn’t make sense.” He said he leaned forward to throw something in the trash and looked up. That’s when I lost it. He was not going to re-write my reality that night! At that moment, I took my fist and smacked him upside his head as hard as I could. Then I tackled him in my living room and called him every name I could think of. The last thing I remember is kicking him in the butt while he was in the floor. Ladies, I kicked the living shit out of that man. I went crazy. I told him to get the —- out of my house and not come back. He ran and grabbed his clothes and flew out of his house with scratches and welts and bruises on him.

Now, I don’t recommend violence. Please don’t do what I did. It was wrong and I could’ve gone to jail for it. But I didn’t. Interesting thing, he had bruises and scratches and he didn’t go to the police, nor did he call 911.

What I had was sweet satisfaction knowing for once in his life he got the crap beat out of him for setting me up, lying and God knows what all else went on. That’s what I hate about dating a socio. They are so degrading. No normal, caring individual would take you to a party with people you don’t know and do that. Most guys would go alone if they want to meet girls at a party. Not take their girlfriend. Socios think they can have it all and do it all. Well, this time, someone got a consequence that he’ll never forget!

I had the same done to me as well. My ex wanted to go to a market in London. When we arrived, he did his usual of wanting to spend time separately (he always did that) and meeting up an hour or so later. when I returned, slightly early to meet him, he was sitting in an outside cafe eating, but there was a young woman sitting near to him (not eating), for a moment I couldnt quite comprehend what I was seeing, – had he picked up someone in the market, had he arranged to meet someone, or was he trying to get lucky. I felt the distinct feeling I had intruded on something and when he saw me he was annoyed that I was slightly early. At that point the woman (who looked annoyed as well) walked off and I had to move out of the way for her to pass me, but she never looked at me which I thought was strange. In a state of disbelief and panic, i said I would come back at the agreed time, which was only 7 minutes later. When I came back he was gone and had gone out of the market. Whether he had gone to look for the woman I dont know. Up until this point, I had done quite abit of my own surveillence on him, because things didnt feel right, but I needed proof. When this situation happened at the market, I realised that I didnt need proof, that (a) i felt uncomfortable by his behaviour (b) even if I had imagined this scenario, it would probably be a taste of things to come. The next day or so, he kept his head down, didnt txt me, and I didnt txt him or reveal my thoughts to him. But as he had spent alot of money that week without being able to account for it, and I had previously found womens phone numbers on his phone, I decided to pull the plug and get rid of him once and for all, which I did a few days after. I did question him and I watched his reactions, all his answers were vague ‘who would I know in the market’ ‘I dont know how I spent that money-I dont keep receipts’. After I had terminated the relationship he told a friend of mine that he had finished the relationship, because I had accused him of meeting a prostitute – THESE WERE NOT MY WORDS! A few local friends of mine wont speak to me and he has cleverly sealed off people’s minds against me to prevent me talking to other people, so he has used them to isolate me. For a relatively short relationship, just over a year, he created absolute mayhem and madness in my life and I am so pleased that I finally got rid of him. Needless to say, he probably had someone else lined up.

I think that they know they create pain for themselves and their partners, but to insulate themselves against it, they set up a network of exit routes, whether these are potential lovers, or bizarre events to trip you off balance, undermine you, humiliate you. Until you realise the rules of THEIR GAME, you might be appealing to their better nature – like I did, trying to help them, being exhausted by them, whilst they expend a minimal amount of effort manipulating you – this was the bit that took me quite a long time to work out.

I totally understand your comments done12. I think they get a kick (like a drug) out of cooking up these events and then trying to make out you and I are paranoid – I was constantly told I was jealous and insecure. I watched and listened to him so intently – and he knew it – he wasnt stupid – that he used my focusing on him to wind me up – to manipulate – to show me that he could floor me with a bizarre comment. Sometimes he would tell me that gay men were coming onto him and that really freaked me out. One night a gay man hugged him in the pub – I just didnt know what to believe. My friends were running out of patience, the long phone calls I made to them to try and make sense of it all. A couple of my friends would cut the phone call short, as soon as I mentioned him. I started keeping a journal and a diary to see if there was a pattern to his behaviour, I became a detective and even thought of hiring one – how bizarre. The thing was he wasnt a nice person – i dont know what I saw in him – and I get annoyed with myself when I played it cautiously at the beginning and was given some bad red alerts. His last partner had accused him of an incident concerning her young daughter. I spoke to her but she was vague and he was annoyed when I told him. He always chose older strong women and usually mothers. I dont have any family, Im more or less on my own, and I am a kind and soft person, in a caretaking job, own my house, car etc. so I made a great target for him. He had moved around so much and had a CV which he wouldnt let me see, when I offered to retype it, because he had nearly 100 pages of jobs and he obviously wanted to hide leads to information that I might find. He cleverly told me (in a roundabout way) the bits he wanted me to know and cleverly left out the information he didnt want me to know. I chose to talk myself out of them and I let my defences down – felt sorry for him and his abused childhood. I have learnt so much about myself and him from this – it has changed me hugely. For him, it has probably CHANGED NOTHING. I often wonder how much other damage he has done to others and what he is cooking up now. He has a job where he can exploit others quite easily (he works in a building which is full of female staff in caretaking jobs. He has found the job hard, because he has been involved in all sorts of confrontations with other women in the job. Now I know the rules of his game, hopefully I will be more aware of others, how this will affect me in future relationships – I dont know. Yes of course, like you I wanted to kick his ass, but even when I sent him a ratty letter he threatened to get the police and a member of his family onto me. So much for the tough guy! I couldnt risk physical punishment and that isnt right for me, i will abide my time in the knowledge that all his goings on will bite HIM in the ASS in time to come – the sadness is that they never learn from it. It is sad to remember that they are lonely and want love, but their own skewed defences keep them locked in their behaviour.

In just over a year, this man created chaos in me and my life and he did it so insidiously in the background, none of it was done in the open, all by suggestion, hints. Although he has been gone out of my life for nearly 3 months, he is still in my head and the whole scenario has left me emotionally and physically exhausted. I never knew what a sociopath was until afterwards when I started looking at these websites, then the penny dropped about his behaviour, it all fitted together. He told me at the beginning he was cold hearted and dominating – he actually gave me quite alot of clues, but I didnt understand what it all added up to – I didnt understand the rules of the game he was so practised at. He is no doubt feathering his bed with his latest victim (He has had many short relationships – probably many more than he lets on) but the clever ones leave him early on when they realise what he is like. I am however left in my pain and turmoil to pick up the pieces. It is important for me to realise that I am valued in my own right and I am important and my life is important, I will however be more careful who I choose to share that with and will not share myelf 100 percent, like I foolishly did with hi.

The stories are all different, but so similar, the tactics are the same – the cunning manipulation, the distancing. What I have learnt from myself is that in the past I have thought I was being assertive – but I have not valued myself and my energy deeply enough. This scenario has brought me iback into the details and feelings about previous partners, my lack of boundaries, my cold unfeeling father, my estrangement from my brother, patterns in my own life. Through this painful process I can revisit the past and relook at it with a different perception. If our parents didnt value us as children, the lesson is to learn to become good parents to ourselves. Of course this involves getting in touch with those early feelings – the very opposite the sociopath wants to do. We can turn this to our advantage if we find the treasure in it. We can learn to value ourselves, become more discerning about how we guide our lives and the people we let into it – this will give us a natural shield against potential HIT MEN. And if it doesnt, then we learn again and again until we learn the lesson thoroughly.

Lastly, TRUST YOUR INTUITION EVEN IF YOU CANT MAKE SENSE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING. My young daughter had an extreme aversion to my ex the first time I introduced him to her. If he was in the house, she went out, if he slept over, she stayed out. She DIDNT NEED TO IDENTIFY WHY SHE DIDNT LIKE HIM, SHE TRUSTED AND WENT WITH HER INTUITION AND STAYED AWAY FROM HIM.

The worst part is getting older. Losing time. Losing youth. If you have an encounter like these while you’re young you’re resilient and can bounce back. Have one from 36-40 and forget it… the world just goes black. The wrinkles come on faster, the grey hairs pop up quicker…the health deteriorates faster, the motivation dries up sooner, and panic and depression set in as a way of life. The future looks bleak and I can say that… i don’t hope to be in another relationship anytime soon which for me is just wasting more time.

I want to go back in time and fix things. My 61 year old mother said to me the other day… I wish I could get my youth back. In 21 years, I will be her age if I make it… and saying the same things.

Money is the other issue… being 40 and broke and not motivated to get a real job is so depressing.

I am not sure how I let this moron drain me of my life…but the more I look around — the more I see that so many people are like this… why bother?

The prospect of being alone is very scary.

Ugh

Well I am in my mid 50s, my ex was alot younger than me and he is young enough to go out and catch other younger women easily enough as he did, problem is he probaby wont keep them for long. Since I got older, I attract more men than I ever did in my 20s, 30s, and I am talking about men in their late 30s and early 40s upwards. People are generally more attracted to people who have higher self esteem and confidence and certainly having a job, money and friends and feeling motivated to improve your life helps considerably. When I feel gloomy, its so easy to look at what is wrong. We all need things to look forward to. I get days when I wake up in the morning and cannot believe I allowed someone to con me like he did – it feels like a bad dream. But the worst IS over and I get days when I can just about get myself together to go to work and other days when I have more energy. When I first met him a year and a half ago, I was happyand in fine form – I WILL NEVER LET SOMEONE ROB ME OF THAT AGAIN.

I have had quite a few relationships in my time and in different ways they were all dysfunctional. But I truly know and believe that there are decent genuine and good men out there. I have put myself up for dating again, because why should I allow someone to take away my goodness and beauty when I can share with someone who really appreciates and respects it. I am one person who always like to help the ‘underdog’ but I wont be doing that in love anymore. A friend of mine who is really nice genuine spiritual woman married a scallywag who had drink problems but was over it when they met, she also like to help people. They got married and the first few years were ok, but he has flipped into his old behaviour and apart from some of his bleak behaviour has run up debts of £40,000 behind her back and her life is in a complete mess. I just wont let one person define my worth and I am going to get my energy back and get on with my life.

Well, I have so many things to say here, I don’t know where to begin. First, this is my first comments on this website and I am not even sure where to begin. I am also a man and, my first impression is that this blog has basically deemed every man on Millionaire match as a fraud and a sociopath. I beg to differ. I am on Millionaire match dot com. I am “certified” as the have in their site as a millionaire. That does not mean you have to be a millionaire. It does mean you have to have a decent W-2 or be a millionaire. BUT READ ABOUT THE SITE BEFORE YOU GO MAKING ASSUMPTIONS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!

I am also “hidden” on that site so that only my favorites can actually see me. I do that so that I can filter out the people that I don’t think meet my expectations. There are gold diggers on that site, there are also women wanting green cards, normal women, millionaires, models, etc. Some winners some losers. However, rest assured, if you see a person on ANY site for 6 – 8 – 12 months, they are either on a REAL losing streak (which I think is NOT likely) or they are a serial dater. This is particularly true for people that APPEAR to have it together. I said PEOPLE – not MEN!!! So, this applies to evidently some of the commenters to this blog. Some of you are serial daters and you can’t stop, just like the men. Yes, I have dated some of them and they have the same expectations!

That brings me to another point. If you don’t think some men are going to be players, then you need to QUIT DATING!!! Men of all ages can be players. If you don’t think so, go buy Neil Strauss’s book “The Game”, or look up David DeAngelo, or read the Speed seduction or the Myster method websites. There are classes for all ages and all types that train men to be pick up artist….and SOME ARE REALLY GOOD and will have you conned in no time.

That being said, many women know the game already and many DON’T CARE. In fact, one of the things many women like to do is COMPLAIN that they are being victimized so they can look like the innocent victim, and then just continue to fall in the same trap. These women DISGUST me…. and it is obviously some of them are in the comments above.

So, why do some people join Millionaire Match rather than some other website? It doesn’t have to do with anything more than preference. I have gone out with some women from other sites and found that they did not know how to act in a high end social setting. Black tie events, they were like a fish out of water. I have found that “overall”, the 4 women I have filtered and dated on Millionare Match were 1) Not Millionaires, 2) knew how to act and dress in front of sopisticated clients, 3) were very compassionate about social causes, 4) were not driven by money. I have now been dating someone from that site for nearly two months and we have had a great relationship. However, the site compared to ANY other I have been to seem to have many nice people. However, it takes READING PROFILES, PHONE CONVERSATIONS, and CHECKING THEM OUT TO SOME DEGREE. Find out where they work. If you are really out for a millionaire, chances are you will find them being quoted on the web, or have a company profile. They are generally not going to be slotches. In my case, I have several published papers and my company profile speaks for itself.

However, you are stupid enough to not do your homework, you get what you deserve. Just because you met an idiot from the site, does not qualify every man on the site as a sociopath. It does not even mean that players are sociopaths. It is your choice on who you date. Don’t blame the site…..dont’t blame the guy…..go look in the mirror!

I had an encounter with a pyschopath in 2004. We were in a relationship and eventually were engaged for 9 months before he ditched me. I was glad that he did end our relationship (there was another girl involved) although at first I felt so devastated!

It was so true that psychopaths seem to have a ‘guide book’ or ‘manual’ to deliver their lines unto the victims.

When we first met, he used to tell everyone that he had met his soulmate, and he had never met anyone like me before. Well, those were the same lines he used when he met another girl (at that time we were still engaged and a wedding date had been set and preparation had been made as well).

My ex fiancee had turbulent relationship with both of his parents. He was an only child.

During our relationship, he had cheated on me several times with typical girls : flirtatious, rich, wild and high income earners.

He had never been truthful to me since the first time we met. He lied about his background, his parent’s jobs and he kept boasting about his ‘high income’ and his lavish lifestyle.

Eventually I found a debt letter sent by his landlord, he was on debt for 5000 Pounds and to my shock, I also found a false Social Security Number.

If anybody involved with one, I suggest you to get out of the relationship AS SOON AS POSSIBLE before it’s too late. DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS AND YOUR OWN INSTINCTS just like I did. I felt so regretful that I didn’t pay so much attention to them. And now I have wasted two years in my life, a great amount of money as well as my mental well being.

Psychopaths are people whom you should not be trusted at all.

I believe one day they will go into the hole they dug..

oh yes to all the above the comon denominators seem to be the mobile phones being on silent or havina a pin no, mine s path did this even when we first met so now i think he must of been sleeping around then even. still so many things i dont know about him or what he did while with me and i will never know. i think there is no way of knowing evrything about them there is too much. it hurts and its hard and age makes it harder. and i feel so stupid for going for ayounger man and he damaged me. but i had a thought tonight im going to hang onto i think revenge is getting on meeting an awsome man and i am going to go somewhere my ex s path can see my new real man and i am going to say i am so happy and youknow what i want you to be happy too cause it feels so good. i know they cant be happy for real but i would love to say that to him. the best revenge really is moving on and all the while i think they will be wondering what is she doing i haven t hear d from her ! well let him wonder i say.

The original post is an eye opener. I think by now, all of us know what to look for–we are wiser. I think the reason I fell for him was that I was not used to being around someone with NO Boundaries! I was naive and mistook his lack of boundaries for intimacy. This is just his MO–he uses these techniques everyday to ensnare more women. He gives them so much personal information, they feel they must be special to him. People at work now go to him for advise on repairing their relationships after affairs! He was very open that his marriage almost ended after he told her of an affair (of course he didn’t tell her about most of them, or the current one!) I was intoxicated by the relationship–all those endorphins flooding my brain, feeling newly in love. He casts a wide net, and quite regularly “catches” someone new who is craving all that exciting new intimacy. Of course she will be vulnerable and flawed in someway that he easily exploits. Soon after the game playing and petty lying will begin. After you’ve become additcted to his intoxicating words, he will become less communicative, and will not really answer your questions, making you crave it that much more–driving you crazy. You need to understand what happened–why if he loves you so much, he seems to be able to turn it on and off at will–to take it or leave it. His words never match his actions–then he does something so sweet and beautiful, you convince yourself you must have been wrong, you have over-reacted–you want to believe his lame excuses–they actually start to make sense to you.

I have learned so much from him. No one else can make me happy–happy is something I have to find within myself. I am forgiving myself–I am learning to be kinder with myself. I will recognize people without boundaries for what they are–I will learn to see all the red flags and remember to always trust my intuition–look what happened when I stopped trusting it!

Jules, it is funny that you have the same thought as I did today. I thought ‘it would really p..ss him off if I walked into the pub with a really nice man in tow – I embellished the fantasy further ‘it would be great if the man parked up his limo outside the pub and then we alighted as a happy couple’. My ex N was alot younger than me 13 years and I feel foolish as an older woman for being sucked in.

There was an advert around the UK which I have on the opening screen on my phones – ‘Believe in Better’.

I met mine on Match.com and she is till on it looking for new victims, i am nolonger on that site.

Wow, I can’t believe all the similarities to my situation. He came on so strong the first time I met him that it was almost creepy, and I had to ask him to back off. Once he backed off, he was a perfect gentlemen, though seemed genuinely taken by me and wanted to do everything for me. He was the perfect man for about a month, and I started falling really hard. That’s when the inconsistent behaviors started. Broken promises, being stood up, etc. It seemed he had really good explanations and stories for these things, and I had no reason not to believe him. He said he was getting of the army with a head injury (though you’d never know), so I figured some of his behaviors were due to that. When he became less and less available, he told me his “ex” wife was required by the army to move into his townhome to take care of him and drive him to appointments but that they were not together. Even though things started not adding up, I wanted so badly to believe him.

The last time I saw him face to face was on July 4th. He feared he was losing me because I had gone off alone on a camping trip to “think about things” that didn’t add up, and I stopped returning his calls before I left. So when he came up on the 4th, he told me everything I wanted to hear–that the divorce papers were coming through any day now (he claimed he had filed them through the army, which was a lie), that I was the most important person in his life, and that he was going to move to my town to be closer to me. We were intimate that night and I was completely in love with him. The entire seduction had taken about 2-1/2 months. He also said some of the same things to me that your sociopaths said to some of you: that I must really love him to put up with all the problems, and that I was a great and wonderful woman. He wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. That was his last act of kindness toward me!

The next day he stood me up, didn’t return my calls, and then I saw him posting on our mutual website as if nothing happened!!! When I wrote him on the site, he blew me off. 2 days later, he wanted to “work things out”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!!! It was right around that time I saw a picture he posted with his wedding ring on. I knew he was lying all along and broke contact with him. He still hangs out on that website, presumably playing women, so I left.

Before I realized what I was dealing with, I saw him at a reptile show on August 2nd. He followed me around like a puppy dog but never spoke to me. Still in denial, I imagined that he was still “in love” with me. However, a wise counselor made me realize it was just his way of asserting power over me. He wanted me to know he was there so I would think about him. I just ignored him.

Thank God, I had the wherewithall to turn him in to the army last week, where he will be disciplined for his adulterous relationship with me. I found out at the time that he is also playing the army and lying about his symptoms to get a medical discharge!!! The commander asked me if he walked with a limp and acted disoriented. I said “not at all”. So I may have screwed up his medical discharge, which was not intentional–just an added bonus. I really love it when players get busted and justice is served!!!!

Oops. Sorry that post was so long!!!

Stargazer! Wow! A rare moment of justice!

Thanks for sharing your story. My morning tea just got a little sweeter! YAY!

YOu know, it makes my blood boil that these jerks fake a military disability and get paid the rest of their life and free medical care, and the REAL heroes and the ones really in need of these things get cheated. I hope they prosecute his butt for fraud and put his butt in a military prison where he belongs. Maybe they will. Keep us posted Star gazer, and if that happens we will have a little Love Fraud Party. We can all put on some records, dance around our computers, and celebrate in cyberspace! LOL

Yep, this sociopath messed with the wrong person! I cannot tell you how empowering it was to turn him in. I realize that many victims don’t have the opportunity to do that.

I agree with OXY. Do let us know what happens.

While I was dating him, I honestly believed him to be a war hero. He gets a really big monthly pension from the army (paid for by our tax dollars, BTW) to sit around and play women on the internet and collect snakes (we met on a snake forum). Apparently, I’m in the wrong field!

I’m sorry for the snakes, they are in bad company.

Players are often compared to snakes. I think this gives snakes a really bad rap. My boa constrictors have never treated me as badly as he did!

haha….awesomely funny Oxy and Stargazer’s reply…haha.

And…I completely agree. We compare the unsavory behavior of people to a particular critter, totally insulting them as they’re just doing what a critter does.

I think when one of my kitties misbehaves I’m going to scold them by saying…”quit acting like a HUMAN for goodness sakes!”….haha.

ha ha just a slight hijack of the topic….I was looking online for some good books about sociopaths when I came across one called Snake in a Suit. It had a picture of an adorable ball python draped around this guy’s neck. If only the author knew that ball pythons are the gentlest, most laid back, and (yes) cuddliest(!) of all the snakes. I’m just so sure that all of you will now become snake lovers as a result of this forum. LOL

Hijack over.

Stargazer,

I absolutely adore (and respect) snakes and pretty much all critters in general. Even vultures, hyenas, bats and other shudder inducing critters. They all have a right to live their lives, creating a balance in nature.

Not to creep anyone out….but I lived with a NORMAL (haha, I guess that’s up for debate) dude for a short period of time in my late 20s. He was very much “into” exotic pets and owned a gorgeous female boa, a female iguana, and a fascinating female tarantula.

Well, he came home from work one day and was surprised to find me laying on the couch, book in my right hand, boa wrapped around my left hand/arm, and the iguana on my belly fast asleep. I only doted on the lovely tarantula by herself as I don’t think she would have appreciated being all snuggy with an iguana and a snake…heehee.

He stopped in his tracks and said…”so, I guess you and my pets are getting along quite nicely.”…haha. Yes, we did!

When I asked him to move out a couple of months later, as usual with my xs who had pets and children, I missed his beautiful critter kids a hell of a lot more than I missed him.

LOL! Now that we have successfully hijacked this thread, I will add that it is a common scene around my house for me to be reading a book with a snake wrapped around my arm and his snout in the pages, or to be watching a movie with a snake in my lap under the blanket and a cat lying on top of the blanket keeping her warm. 🙂 🙂

The sociopath was a snake lover, too, and that was a big source of bonding for us. It’s very hard to find men who love animals and especially reptiles. That’s one of the things that made him so appealing.

Jane, you know you want to get a pet snake……:)

StarG

That is such an AWESOME story!

Girl you did right!

Hold on a second! Talk about missing the obvious.

Let me get this straight. You went looking for a man on a website which supplies millionaires???? You were not content with a nice decent ordinary guy? Had to be Mr Rich and Hot to cater to your ego obsessed expectations and astounding materialistic requirements…

Yet at the same time too your obvious gold digging has put in in contact with sociopaths?

Sociopaths who have more or less the same agenda as yourself.

Amazing! Personally the more I read this site I see that there is a symbiotic relationship between sociopaths and willing victims who go out of their way to look for them.

Interesting.

CellStemCell, well noted.

Some people just don’t do irony. Personally I think the two of them are perfect for each other.

The more I read this I think this is a case of a female and male sociopath going “bump” in the night:

Her comment:

“My blood is now curdling. ”

from another lovefraud article:

However the sociopath, in his abject narcissism, will experience limits to, constraints on, the gratification he is pursuing as threats! He will feel outraged, if not enraged, at circumstances that interfere with his pursuit of intensely coveted gratifications.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/06/24/murderous-partners/

Lovefraud is a fantastic resource. But putting up emails like this one does the website a great disservice. I would seriously consider some strict editorial guidelines before assuming that every woman who comes on her with a sob story is worthy of praise and adulation.

I would also get rid of the Christian preaching as well. Religious views on this site by some of the bible wavers damages the credibility of Lovefraud.

FrankLee:
When you ‘pop’ in to LF…..you always seem to be laying bait……..

HOW can we help YOU?

FrankLee reminds me of my ex spath… I’d write long missives about my thoughts and feelings, and he would find one *tiny* phrase to respond to and somehow use it to dismiss entirely everything I had to say and make me the villain. Healthy people just don’t do that. They don’t need to.

I’ll step in a little here. In the world I come from, we don’t always get to hear opinions that are politically correct within the community where we live, but that doesn’t always mean they are bad opinions.

Whether we agree with Franklee’s political opinions or not because they are not popular, there is a basis for discussion.

Any community needs to have the openess to be self evaluating. And as a public forum, LF does too.

I think the point is well taken to pose the question: Is everyone who has a story to tell to be believed at face value?

That is one of the lessons here.

And a case of dating on the internet might be looked at with scrutiny. How would we know?

The learned position here is internet dating is a hunting ground for both sexes of the disordered. So, these cases could very well be more about who was hunting for what than the experience of discerning what the hunter actually came across.

The question is who is credible? And it is a real question.

Of late, its been a question I’ve been asking about posts here for reasons which have been in plain sight to all of us.

I think we have to be very careful about what is accepted as credible and recognize that the popular point of very isn’t often one reached by the most discerning opinions. And that there is a very open door on the public forum.

Whenever you start something like this and it strays from its original intention or purpose, there is a risk of going so far afield that the purpose or value is lost.

The core focus of LF is to provide a forum for discussion around the articles which give information about the experience of being in relationship, extricating from relationship and recovering from a relationship with a disordered person.

And for so many, including myself, the community has provided an invaluable connection during some difficult times. And I see that over and over again.

But it isn’t a bad thing to provoke the question of editorial review and content management in light of what happens and who comes here and why.

Erin, that is bait, but from a perspective, it IS a provocative topic.

Maybe not one I am going to tackle, but one that I will hold up as a legitimate question however the LF community wants to handle it.

How many times have people in the last few months and before stepped away, been triggered or otherwise not been able to take advantage of the support because of the free for all format?

On the other hand, how many interactions not related to a topic been so connecting and so healing for many members?

Its not my question to answer. It is a provocative question and one that Franklee is not alone in asking.

I don’t know any answer nor do I pose one as to how LF should be governed, But I hear the question and I think it is one that is ok to ask. In fact, we all should ask that kind of question as we review the articles and posts, shouldn’t we?

Tough questions are tough questions, but it doesn’t mean they are bad. They are tough and sometimes, need to be asked- whatever the answer is.

Thanks Silvermoon an eloquent comment.

The fact is the woman in the article comes across as someone who hasn’t learned anything from this site at all. She comes across as shallow and materialistic and fairly obnoxious IMHO. I am amazed it was posted as a case study!

As for the Christian stuff. Well these people can take their evangelical agenda to a place were it is welcomed. Personally I find this bible waving offensive, rude and damages the image blog. The last thing a person needs following a sociopathic encounter is to be judged with biblical passages and quotes. What about someone who is of a moslem, hindu or other non-christian or just wants a secular input? Is their victimhood not valid.

As for my own story. Well here is a thing. It is NONE of anyones business but my own. I was put through the wringer by a female sociopath and that’s all I am saying.

I have found lovefraud to be fantastic. But please, some of you implying I am sociopath because I do not worship either your Christ, or stating my opinions as adult. Gimmie and break and grow up.

The woman in this article is a sad, immature and materialistic gold digger. She is everything this site should not be and is not for the most part. The people on this thread saying things like “you go girl” really are pretty sad and immature themselves.

There I said it. Deal with it.

I’m still trying to deal with your comment: “Anyone who is dumb enough to join the miltary of their own free will and gets killed or injured that’s their own fault and I have very little sympathy for them.” You come across (in your own words) as very shallow, fairly obnoxious and as someone who hasn’t learned anything from this site at all.

I wonder how many people on this blog have lost a loved one in a war or have a son or daughter who is currently serving our country in the military. I find comments like this (in your own words) offensive, rude and they damage the image of the blog.

I don’t think you are a sociopath, I just think you should keep these opinions to yourself, as you feel Christian’s should keep their opinions to themselves. It’s sad and immature (as you said).

You wrote it, you must have expected some comments to follow, you can dish it out, but you can’t take it. Gimmie a break and grow up.

There, I said it. Deal with it.

Silver:

It wasn’t the ‘bulk’ comment about the above article I had issue with, it was how his comments are usually bulked in with attacks of other posters and condensending remarks to the community as a whole.

He is very opinionated about others opinions…..and it is stated in a way that we must buy into HIS views…..or we need to get a life.
He states also….there I said it….deal with it….
Huh? WHy would a person write this if he was only stating his opinions without lighting a fire….is this ‘take a deep breath and spew’…..whew…..effect?

Fine, have an opinion….but the nastyness leave behind…..it creates doubt in any opinion.

Although it’s hard to tell now…..since there has been deletion of some of this wording…..telling another poster to ‘get a life’.
Statements such as “assuming that every woman who comes on her with a sob story is worthy of praise and adulation.”
is condensending and in no way not a dig to ALL women with a ‘story’.

The above statement is very clear to me that Mr. Lee is not one to be supportive of anyone’s SOB STORY….or journey, or abuse or whatever…..we all have SOB STORIES!

I see Mr. Lee sprinkinling his ‘valid’ opinion with digs to the community. THIS is the part I don’t appreciate.

“Gimmie a break and grow up”? What….someone doesn’t validate you so they need to ‘grow up’…..A bit of projection?

Stating differences in opinion are healthy…..laying bait in the form of digs to others here is NOT!

I am also suspect of someone spending time on LF who isn’t interested in the ‘process’…..
Does Frank need support? Does frank need to validate himself through the weakness of others?

I’m also suspect of this same continueum of negativity….and i’m sure this will spark the ‘team’ to show up and continue this…..
Wait and see……and decide for yourself…..who’s here for the information and healing and support…..and who is here for the easy attack they don’t get to do in their real life.

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