UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Hi forever_me,
So glad you found this wonderful site… In my own experience I warned my ex husband spath’s girlfriend after me. She didn’t leave him and believed his lies. But what it did was gave her something to think about and over time when he cheated and dump her, stole a lot of money off her, her blinkers came off and she saw him for who he was. She wasted a year with him and in the end contacted me and we remain in contact.
I also warned the next girlfriend that he is currently been with for 12 months. She of course believes him but she will now have another reference for this person when things start to unravel.
Now I have moved on enough not to care anymore who he is with or who I need to save because at the end of the day I only need to save myself from him and warning every women that comes in his life is exhausting re living my life with him.
Your ex’s words, actions and behaviour when you questioned what he was doing is very typical of them.
I must also say, I am now close friends with my ex husband’s ex girlfriend, the mother of one of his children. I said to her when I finally left him ” Why didn’t you tell me”, she responded with ” because you wouldn’t have listened”.
I have mixed feelings about warning everyone because basically there are too many women, they change all the time, I am happy to talk to any that seek me out but I am done with his life interfering in mine….
All the very best wishes and keep looking forward 🙂
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I think Donna just said something very insightful – she said even tracking the “P” or emailing others to warn them is a form of contact, and it should be avoided. I think she’s right. Even lovefraud is a form of contact, isn’t it?
Why is it that relationships like these make normal people – like you, or me – do crazy things like crack passwords and be private investigators? I’d never done that before I met my psychopath. I’ve been in therapy over this, and I’m afraid to tell my therapist about this. She has personally never been involved with a psychopath so I’m sure she can’t understand it. Even I can’t understand it. Why do I care so much?
Also, I will say this, I contacted the ex-wife (and present housemate) of my psychopath. I asked her if she was still sleeping with him. She just sounded meek and said “no”.
She didn’t say anything to me to warn me. I am totally pissed off. I ASKED and she didn’t warn me. So I think there is a fine line here of making yourself available and answering truthfully, and going to search out his potential victims and tell them. The latter requires a lot of energy and is probably over the line.
That’s my opinion.
I, personally would love to talk to Xspath’s victims, both those that came before me and the one who came after…just for validation!
But, I am far enough along this path of recovery that I don’t think it would have much effect on me, either way. As far as warning the one/ones that came after, I would, without any expectation that she would believe me, and I would also be very aware of my true motives…how much of warning her is really just revenge seeking, and a desire to ruin his game?
I can certainly understand that motive, and in being honest with myself, I would have to admit that it is a part of it.
For me it’s more important to heal my wounded spirit, and part of my problem is co-dependancy, so…warning her is not my job. Taking care of me is my job. Being the best person I can be is my job.
If she approached me, however, I would warn her.
Superkid, I don’t think sharing on LF is contact…it’s a healing place where we share our experience, strength and hope.
In the beginning, we may come here through our grief, fear, confusion, and anger. We may need answers, or insight, or validation, or just a kind word.
We work through the various stages and levels, and eventually we see the light at the end of the tunnel. At this point we make a choice…we can stay, and use LF support to help us with our everday challenges, so that we continue to learn and grow, and stay on the healing path, where we can also lend a hand to the new folks, or we move on, happy for what we’ve gleened.
What we don’t want to do is stay stuck. We don’t want to come here, for months maybe years, and do nothing but whine, complain, and point fingers. It’s fine to work through lousy emotions, but at some point we have to let it go, and focus on ourselves.
So, in that respect, if LF is only used to re open athe wound, or to trigger our memorys of abuse, or re-fuel our resentment, then, yes, it is klike having contact with the spath.
Somewhere in the archives is an article entitled, “No Contact begins in your Mind”.
We have to want to heal, and not want to keep tearing off the scab. I hope that makes sense.
People who are recovering from addictions, often remain in 12 step programs for life, because it is a tool they can use to find a sense of purpose, and peace of mind, and it’s healthy for them. So, I think it’s just fine for us to keep coming back to LF, as long as we are moving steadily in the right direction.
Beautifully said! 🙂
🙂
I have been both the warn-er and the warn-ee and not had any luck either way. The ones I warned didn’t listen, and in fact infuriated the P and themselves at ME, and the ones who warned me, I Totally blew off.
I think in MANY IF NOT MOST cases it is wasted effort and uses us YOUR emotional energy worrying about something you can do nothing about.
The best advice I can give to anyone though is DO NOT HAVE UNPROTRECTED SEX WITH ANYONE UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE A CHILD.
A*N*Y*O*N*E– unless you have known this person for a long time are in a committed relationship with them (more than just living together or dating) and 100% trust this person.
This is just my medical background talking I guess but I feel it is my duty to “warn” you because I know it is a dangerous behavior—are you going to listen or blow my advice off? See the point?
Kim, well said.
Regarding sending out a “warning”: Forget about HIM, or HER. Think about YOU. Is this the best thing for YOU to do at THIS time? Will this ASSIST your recovery, or jeopardize it?
Sage advise.
I am pondering this topic.
Who’s knows……..
Dear EB,
You asked—here it is. GIVE HER HARD DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE, no opinion, just EVIDENCE—copy of the complaints, news articles about his arrest or anything that is hard evidence.
And then just say something like “Susie, I thought you need to know what you are getting into with John. I couldn’t in good conscience allow you to take up with a drug dealing criminal without at least warning you.”
Then SHUT UP. She can either take it and run with it or she can keep on the road she is going. That is what I did with Grandpa.
I think I could not have slept at night if that crank-ho had killed him and I had done nothing. As it is. I called the law and she was arrested for her crimes. If he manages to get her out and goes and gets her, not my problem, even if she knocks him in the head and kills him now, I did the best I could. He is NOT out of his head or senile enough that he can legally be restrained from associating with her. I called his daughter and gave her my opinion about his mental status and what was going on and she and I agree that there is nothing we can do to protect him, or get him to listen to reason.
He is so lonely since his wife died, he is not about to stay down in that holler alone if he can help it, and if the only woman he can get is a crach-ho, then that is what he will go for. For him, it beats nothing.