UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
I think this is THE BEST THREAD EVER on lf !
I am going to cut and paste the whole darned thing.
Dear Katy,
Darlink, you probably would not have listened any more than I DID when I WAS warned!~ So don’t beat yourself up for putting yourself first….that’s the smart thing to do. You are NOT responsible for her decisions.
Hey Onestepper’s If we knew then what we know now life would be a bowl of cherries. I understand and respect everybody’s take on warning the next victim’s. I think I have warned alot of people about sociopathic, narcissict personality disordered exploitive evil assholes. I am all for education. But I still say hands on experience is the best teacher, for me anyway, I am a slow learner and it took a big kick in the head from the universe to realize I need to be aware of predatory people that will take and take until we have nothiong more to give. And it’s on to next for them, that easy, and never ever thinking they did one damn thing wrong. Maybe I have it figured out or I am in denial..but wrong is wrong and evil is evil..and when we see it we avoid it, now that we know. End of speech.
So here is my experience with forwarning the new woman. My S and I had been planning our February 2011 wedding when he up and married one of his kids mothers. Then he flew to be with me and my family four days later for the holiday weekend. When I discovered his recent nuptials I confronted the wife on FB(through a personal message) and she blocked me which to me is odd considering that she was well aware that her new hubby was gone for two days so if it had been me I would have been interested in hearing what I had to say. So I move on and all the while he’s informing me of how unhappy he is, how he’s getting the marriage annulled and basically painting this horrible picture of this woman. he made her out to be vindictive and desperate and said that she forced him into marriage by threatening jail. So a month passes and he somehow sends me and his new girlfriend, thats right girlfriend a picture message with our numbers attached. When she replied I told her no worries and explained that I was his ex and told her that we’d broken up because he’d gotten married. She then tells me that she just discovered that she was pregnant. I tell her everything and ofcourse he told her I was lying and created this image of me being a jealous ex that was stupid and that he used. The young woman sent me a text two days later thanking me for informing me about my S and said that he denied being married. She told me that she’d slept with him the day after our initial text encounter. Oh and that she’d been in him and his wife’s bed and was told that he was house sitting for a friend, ha! Turns out that the young woman had gone back to the apartment to confront his wife. So my S is then arrested a week later while appearing in court for a current burglary of habitation case(for break in to his ex’s) for a probation violation for another burglary of habitation(of another ex). His wife calls me last week wanting my assistance with reaching the attorney for the charge he is fighting since the attorney and I have a good relationship. What annoyed me about her calling was that when I wanted to speak to her woman to woman two months ago when discovering the marriage she ignored and blocked me and now she calls me(my S gave her my number)! She tells me that when she and my S dated 3 years ago he practically cleaned her out and disappeared, but that God had recently told her that she was to marry him and that He has a calling for my S. She came off sort of cocky, like she’d won a prize and she admitted to knowing about his infidelities since they’d been married which is sad considering they’d only been married a couple of weeks before he was arrested and to already be cheating and she admitted to being aware of his baby on the way, but she said she’d forgiven him. It was obvious that she is still wrapped up in his lies and there was no need to swap stories because she has a past with him that reveals who he is. She also admitted to knowing that he is a liar, but again God wanted that union(lol). My point is that I told the new girlfriend and a day later she slept with him. She stated that based off of the way I responded to all her messages, it was obvious that I wasn’t a jealous ex and that I was looking out for her best interest. The only thing I did tell the wife is about us being engaged and I could tell in her voice that she was shocked, but her response was, “I forgive him.” My advice would be to stay out of it and the reason being is that your S has already informed his next victim of all of his ex’s, blaming them for the break up because mine did that with ALL of them and now does it with me to his wife and anyone else who listens and because they are so charming, they are believable. After speaking to the wife, I asked that she never contact me again and I have since closed that door.
hens – i have been able to tell a client that her just ex is an N. and talk to her at length about the things he did and contextualize them. It’s really helped her. and she is now the first person who has come into my life since the spath who i have told. we went to the beach on sunday and we walked and talked, and it was very healing for me.
i don’t trust anyone now – so i have a wire mesh around my heart – if she reconsiders being my friend i can take it, but i think she won’t.
i haven’t really posted much on this thread yet – waiting until i have time to write a long post – this is topic pretty fresh for me, as in standing in the steaming pile right now!
I wish you gentle kind trustworthy genuine people in your life.
what has happened to your friend who swooped in with 7 suitcases full of drama?
onestep my friend still has seven suitcases full of drama, she did buy a house, I have cooled things off some, will give her time to get out the eye of the storm but my tolerance for hysteria is getting low – she is getting accupunture for anxiety, hope it helps..she also said she has learned about PTSD and thinks she has it…duh..like I dont know anything about it … she doesnt listen she just talks..she is too much.
Dear Henry,
Yea, that tractor trailer load of drama gets old….and especially when the person tries to make a pass at you when you aren’t interested (even a little). Sometimes though, we’ve all packed a suitcase or two full of drama, but the thing is that we can’t make it a LIFESTYLE CHOICE.
Yea, you had some drama and I did, and so did everyone else here to one extent or another, but we are WORKING on fixing that drama, not putting a fresh coat of paint on it, or a new motor in it. We have to put BRAKES on the thing and then scrap it! It takes us different periods of time to do it, but the point is like the psychopaths—we don’t need to ENJOY it! The psychopaths enjoy being arse holes, but some other folks enjoy POSING AS NEEDY VICTIMS IN NEED OF A RESCUER…
The doctor I used to work with said of certain people “they ENJOY POOR HEALTH”—and that is kind of true. I saw plenty of those patients in my time. Today was a hang nail in the right pinkie, and tomorrow was the hang nail in the big toe. If you fixed one thing, something else came up—and if something really SERIOUS came up, they did NOT want to participate in their own care. Unfortunately most health problems require the patient to participate in the planning and care of the problem.
Just like I am PARTICIPATING in my weight problem, better LATE THAN NEVER…by sticking to a NEW NUTRITION PLAN (don’t say “diet”!)…and BTW I have lost 4 pounds already and my stomach is no longer SCREAMING STARVATION now, but just WHINING a bit on the 1200 cal. Nutrition Plan. And I am actually feeling a LOT better already in spite of the “sleep-LESS study” last night–but they are going to readjust my pressure on my DARTH VADAR mask/machine so maybe that will help over all how I feel.
So I can pat myself on the back and say I am working toward taking care of ME–the whole me. Physical, emotional and spiritual. Which BTW is easier to do than it was when the heat was so awful. Can you believe LA was 113 degrees today! Better them than us!!! whoopie!!!! 81 here today and wonderful, low humidity!!!
When is your eye surgery, speaking of taking care of yourself? I just got me another 10 pair of the $1.00 a pair 3.50 dopler reading glasses! That way when I break them, lose them, sit on them, or scratch them, I just throw them away and get another pair! Can’t even count my fingers up close, but can see a leg band on a mosquito at 100 yards. LOL
Ox Dont have a surgery date just some time early next year if I can last that long. I am really blind in one eye now and the other is getting worse. The weather has been glorious. Have ben tearing down fences and expanding things around here, kinda like rearanging the yard, digging up things etc etc. I have created a monster with my latest project and I still havent painted the back of the house yet..lol..and yes I am working on making myself better, gave up on everybody else’s design of how I should live..so here I be – a one eyed , blue collar redneck landscaper just gettin by but doing it on my own…and happy to do so..
Dear Henry!!!
Sweetie, you may be one eyed, but in the land of the blind, the ONE EYED MAN IS KING! Just keep that in mind!!! The psychopaths are BLIND!!!
Very interesting for me that this question was raised. I have been without my sociopath for almost 4 years now. We still talk on the phone and I constantly think about warning others because I know he has at least 5 other women entangled in his web. Logic tells me I must cut off ALL contact. That includes NOT warning anyone. I must walk away and put time and space between my life now and my life then, with him. I don’t believe “investigations” for the sake of others is any of our business. I spent most of my 5 years with him taping the phones, using spy-ware and even following him. It was crazy and something I’d never done or thought I’d ever do. The Sociopaths are still controlling us when we chose to stay involved!!!!!!