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UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
If you can warn them safely you should. Most of them won’t believe you anyway. At least you won’t have some of them turning up on your doorstep looking for money and telling you they believe all the lies the P told them about you. After a couple of years of hell they may still remember you did warn them.
I warned the next woman. She married him anyway and hates me now. I’m sorry for her, but it’s not my problem. I did my best.
Strong, that is the usual response, but in a few years she will feel the wisdom in your warning and see for herself…it’s the only way most of us “get it”
Strong, you tried to honor your feelings of what is right. I and several ex-es warned my OW, the next victim. She was not unkind, and at some point contacted me again, after she kicked him out for a day. But she’s still with him and undoubtedly paying for the plane trips to and fro Nicaragua from UK for the both of them, and seems to make sure he’s never without her. No doubt, because he blamed the break-up on me not hauling him to Belgium every 6 months and visiting him every six months (not that rich). They are both aware, I think, that I posted a warning about him (with pic) on one of those sites in May, because neither of them use close-up pictures of him where he can be recognized. They are either engaged or married already. Don’t know, don’t care. He’s totally her problem now, and from the little I know about their moving to and fro, her financial ruin. He’s her lesson now. In the end, she’ll learn to accept the truth. How long that will take is her call.
it’s kind of tricky to report the spath to the next victim. I was not sure if I should do it, but I decided to give it a try because the spath contacted me and I gave in and had a short chat with him and he gave me details of his next victim so I wanted to take advantage of the situation. The thing is after forwarding her a couple of messages I’ve had no reply from her as of yet, and she did not delete him from her contact list (I can’t believe he’s her only contact, his number one, just what he wants to be). I think she is already too much infatuated to pay any attention to any warning. As darwinsmom very well said he’s her lesson now. Unfortunately some women have to learn the hard way. The only question for debate is how long it will take her to realize who she’s with.
Victor,
I have been warned and not listened…..and I have warned and not been heard, so I’ve been on both sides of the coin and neither time was there any benefit.
Darwin’s mom is right he is her lesson now.
I listened to no one …not even me. Shalom
Amen to that Shalom, I didn’t listen to my gut either, and boy I should have! LOL
I wish we could warn the next victim in a meaningful way.
I get being warned and then not hearing the wisdom in the warning. Been there. Done that.
What must be done, is being done here and in places like it.
School programs like Donna’s have value.
Keeping them in the news has value.
What else can you do?
Silvermoon,
What else can you do? I think that’s about it except speaking to your friends who are WILLING to listen…and that may not be many of them. LOL