UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
I understand the debate. I’ve had it MANY times. I think it just depends where you are in your recovery and what your TRUE motivations are for doing it. If you TRULY have NOTHING to lose, INCLUDING relapsing in your recovery, then I SAY, give it a shot.
Just be damn sure you know why you are doing what you are doing and you don’t pay the price for it.
I still think that no matter what mental gymnastics you play with yourself, you are STILL IN IT, when you are focused on ANYTHING to do with the EX. I can understand that we can tell ourselves that it’s a “noble gesture” to warn someone else and how WE wished someone had warned us too. But really it keeps you in it. Recovery is about moving out of it.
The last “justification” is to say, “I’ll do this and then I’ll never return to any dramas with the EX again”. A last Hurrah, if there is such a thing in this case. And there is some sense of power in it. Like “I’ll get the last laugh”. But I think it’s a false sense for many reasons.
I know the feeling of thinking that someone else might be wasting their life AND a CHILD might even be brought into the disaster. I also know the feeling of being SO ANGRY that they just waltz into yet another woman’s life, who love and adores them and off they go. Tra-la-fucking-la.
And as much as I get ENRAGED at the thought of how damn easy it is for him to walk away and how I am all but immobilized by the final end of our relationship, FOR ME, at the stage that I AM, to venture out into that drama is not something I care to put myself through. Not right now, anyway.
What the heck, EB, you said you have nothing to lose, and it would’t require much effort…Just don’t have any expectations, let the out-come of your actions go.
Currently i’m sitting waiting for my gut to unconstipate.
The other thing I want to mention is that I think the “warning of the new victim” is a way to “get around” the No Contact Rule.
Regarding the No Contact Rule…..Wow, only ONE FRICKIN’ rule, but WHAT a DOOZY! Here’s a trick I use, that others may find helpful.
When I feel I just can’t stand it anymore, I write what I would say if I were to contact my ex again. THEN, I wait…..Could be 5 minutes, could be 10 minutes, could be an hour. Then I RETURN to what I wrote and I say, “What have I said to him here that I have not said to him before?” I’m AMAZED at how the answer is always “NOTHING”.
Not ONLY have I said it all before, I’ve said it all about 1000 times before. So I let it go. Each day I let go a bit more. But BOY the urge to hang on is mighty powerful.
RIGHT ON, KIM! “let the outcome of your expectations go.”
EB if you knew there was a snake in the grass on the path someone was walking you would WARN them. Same thing here. You KNOW this woman is about to step on a snake. You warn her and then it is TOTALLY her responsibility if she does or not.
Mail her the documents and don’t sign it. Or if you know her or someone else knows her, hand them to her and then drop the subject. It is up to her. Shes over 21 and has I assume SOME sense so she is responsible for what she does with the information, but I think in this case, I would at least feel responsible for making the information AVAILABLE.
Just like I did with grandpa. I made information avaialbe to him and he KNOWS this woman is a druggie/drunk/criminal and continues to drink, and he still wants to associate with her. It is on HIS head now, not mine. I will still feel bad if she hurts him, but I will NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE…or guilty.
He is alone with her because like my egg donor he is determined to save her and she gives him what he wants—attention—and he allows her to isolate him from anyone who did/does care about him. Cost me about $100 bucks and a few hours of my time, but he’ll get no more money (I will give him food, even if she eats part of it) but I’ve learned another “all purpose life’s lesson” and will file it away for next time I need it. Tuition in the UNIVERSITY OF HARD KNOX” (UHK) for my postdoctoral studies!
Look out!
EB we posted over each other—I think copies of legal docuemnts or news articles LIKE THE “Local coach charged in Felony drug bust” and so on, along with anything that is public record that would show up his wolf’s skin under the sheep skin. Maybe mail a copy to the friend AND to the victim. That way if the friend doesn’t “share” the victim still gets it. Also if her friend has a copy too and does share the vic knows that OTHERS KNOW so it might prompt her to take action more than if she was the only one in on the SECRET knowledge.
At least it would clear your conscience and if she stays with him, it is 100% on her head, no “she didn’t know” excuse, because she DID know. Just like I feel better now that I know GRANDPA KNOWS!
I love your advise, Callista. What does this letter say, that has never been said, before. Zip, zilch, nada, nothing….but we sure hold on to the fantasy that one day we’ll find the magic trick that suddenly turns on the light switch and lo and behold, they have empathy and remorse and see the error of their ways…don’t we? All the time we’re in turmoil trying to figure out how to fix it, them or us, so we can continue to hold on to something we just cannot be honest with ourselves about. Sheeeeesh.
I too am a decent and kind human being……and no one deserves this highway to hell.
Well, I just took the high road, and invited my SOL and step GD to my GD’s B-day party, (dinner and cake and Ice-cream).
We are currently embroiled in a huge power-struggle, and I have been trying very hard not to react as he continues to escalate the conflict…using guilt and character assination techniques to get at me. Texting my daughter how much he loves her, and then me how I’m ruining her life…how I choose drugs and alcohol over her in the past, and I am trying to ruin their family. I don’t respond. But I have maintained a position of withdrawl from him, and would like to bury the hatchet.
He has commented that her entire teen-age years were contaminated by my alcoholism. Here’s the truth: I started trying to get sober when she was 10. Would stay sober 3 months, relapse for a couple of days, and start over, get sober for 6 mos. relapse for a week and start over. That went on till she was 12, when I was finally successful. I stayed in my marriage for 6 more years, sober and clean and working a program, left the marriage when she was 18. Got a BA in Literature, and got through 3/4 of an MA program.
I continue to work the 12 steps to this day, for both co-dependancy issues and addictions. I have been devouring all I could on detachment, building boundrys, and avoiding manipulation.
I realize that my daughter, (now 32), my SIL, and myself are in an unhealthy relationship. We are all Co D’s, and he is an addict trying to kick his addiction without a program. She usually defends me and is up to here with him, his domineering attitude and control issues. I DON’T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THM BREAKING UP.
The text to SIL is the first contact I’ve had with him in a week, and I am trying to take the high road. Have not recieved any response.
I live with them, and understand they aren’t responsible for me, but I have no option at this point.
I have not been able to find a job, so am providing day-care full time for my other daughter. I get paid about half as much as she would pay day-care and it seems to be a good option for all concerned, except it isn’t enough to live on…but I’m trying, and I don’t think SIL abuse is warrented or healthy. I wish he’d work a program. His own addiction is probably the main problem my daughter has with him. Comments?