UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
ErinB,
I detect a small scale of anxiety in knowing that your X-Spath is with a seemingly “perfect woman” and she’s living his illusion! …… BUHUMBUG!!!!! ……..To break it to her or not? NO,NO,NO
I was told that the X-S in my life, is now dating a woman who is everything he’s been looking for….nice, smart, has money, loves to travel and loves to dance. I know her. He started corting her while still spewing his viral lies to me of “love you”…yada, yada, yada. He even took the woman to a “honeymoon” trip to Niagra Falls this last weekend (I was told)! I have known this woman through the ballroom dance community we all belong to and warned her about him 2 years ago during one of those break ups when he cheated on me! did that keep her from falling into his trap? NO!!!!!! Did my warning her and her seing me go through all the on and off crap with him keep her away? NO! SHE HAS TO FIND OUT FOR HERSELF ON HER OWN TIME WITH HER OWN EXPERIENCE.
Am I hurt and feel some jelousy that he’s now “in love” and doing all the things he did with me when he was “good” with her? yes…but I know he’s only an illusion…a con artist who will manipulate to get his needs met and then spew her out….. she will soon find out on her own. In the mean time, I wont say a word….and when I do see them together as I know I will because we all travel in the same circle, I will just feel sorry for her.
I have nothing to gain….because I will only be viewed as the “scorned ex-lover”.
(((hugs)))
Dear Kim
Knowing what the problem is, and who is responsible for what, is 98% of the solution to the problem in my opinion.
I’m a little hazy on which SIL is in the power struggle with you, the one you live with or the one you don’t live with. Do you keep kids for both daughters or just one? (couldn’t figure out why the SIL that you lived with would e mail or text you)
1) your LONG PAST relationship and behavior with drugs/alcohol, or whatever I don’t think should be a subect of conversation with anyone. If it was “past” like YESTERDAY that would be a horse of a different color. He is obviously trying to drive a wedge between you and her.
2) I think your tactic of NOT responding to him (can you block him?) is the best way, it is a “potted plant” routine and in person you just SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY—leave him screaming behind you if necessary but don’t react OR respond.
3)If she starts to buy into this because of his “triangling” of trying to show himself as the RESCUER and you as the ABUSER and her as the VICTIM, his “proof” is PRETTY WELL SHOP WORN…which means it shouldn’t have much validity to someone who is not also looking for ANYTHING to slap you with.
What’s the power struggle over? Is this the SIL you live with
and he wants you to leave? What does your daughter want?
I would do my “dealing” with HER ONLY and not with him at all. She is making a choice to STAY with him even though he is behavior this way, but neither you nor her HAVE TO PLAY this “Game” of musical chairs of VICTIM, RESCUER, PERSECUTOR….it is all just a part of HIS PROBLEM and HIS FAILURE TO REALLY GET A PROGRAM GOING. If she wants to stay with someone like that, that is HER PROBLEM, not yours so I would be careful and not let yourself try to RESCUE HER because then you are still in the “game” just a different chair!
Maybe you could get a job at a day care that would be enough to support you, and you could stay with a friend until you could get a more stable place to stay. I know jobs are hard to find right now, but sometimes we have to take what we can get in order to get out of some unhealthy situations. Keep your chin up, Kimmie, you’ve already come a LONG way since you first came to LF! I will vouch for that! (((Hugs)))
I became friends with my one time “arch enemy”…his X GF! She tried to warn me about him at one of the points in the past when we were broken up….and I didn’t listen, couldn’t believe her, nor did I want to hear it! I thought her to be a jelous ex GF who just wanted him back.
We are now friends and allthough she gotten over the emotional relationship with him, she still keeps contact with him occasionally as a platonic friend. She reminds me, that he will come after me again….as he did with her, even while still in a relationship with me. They don’t stop, they don’t go away and they still maintain an emotional bondage on all of us exes….even after all the dust is settled…..and we go NC!
Callista
I love your wait 5 min/10 min etc….I still want to make him get it at times. When I go back and read the emails I sent in the heat of it…you’re right its all the same. I rarely said anything “different” I may have called him out on something new that I discovered…pointed out a new lie…but basically the same. But is it wrong for me to want him to know EVERYTHING I discovered. I know he hates being called out so I think I felt like that was the only “power” I had then. If me pointing out all his lies, deception, and manipulation didn’t make him feel remorse at least it made him feel anger…it made him feel something!!!! I think I’m moving past that now…
Forever – As for the warning the new girl. I did. I actually emailed her to confront her about her role in the betrayal (she pursued him knowing he was in a relationship) She actually asked to talk to me…so I did. When she told me that he was already borrowing from her, some of the lines he told her were the same as what he told me…etc I felt like I should fill her in more. I did…for hours….she sat there seemingly shocked. Her response….”I can’t just walk away…he told my kids he loved them…I need an exit strategy.” She even told me that he was angry with her for even talking to me. (of course it was HER fault!!!!) Her exit strategy….a month later they move in together!!!!! Guess that strategy didn’t work.
I thought when I talked to her that I really wanted to help her…I now see that her response mattered more to me than I thought. I just never thought she would move forward so fast after our conversations.
I actually feel somewhat sorry for her….she was/is married to another man who might be a spath too. He might just be a mooch…not sure. But the way she described her relationship with her husband reminded me of my relationship with D. So she thinks she got something better!!! Then again I’m sure it feels like heaven…it always did for me!!!
So…I don’t know if I’d warn anyone again. If I knew they would listen…I’d spill my guts in a heartbeat. But I know that even with the proof I have he is a master manipulator and spinner…I am not!!
And…it just makes the mixer of emotions start turning. So as much as I hate to think of just me….when it comes to ANYTHING concerning him…I get to think of JUST ME!!!
Aeyla and EB- your descriptions of “her” sound exactly like my ex’s her. All the same patterns. That is often the part that hurts the most. Thinkin that she is perfect…and I wasn’t. Thanks for reminding me that she is perfect…the perfect target. I don’t want her to feel what I have but it helps to read reminders of the truth that HE hasn’t changed…she didn’t bring out a different him…it may look perfect but it’s not!!!
Oxy, he is the SIL I live with. I go out of the house 5 days a week to baby-sit my other daughter’s two youngest kids. He texts me there, or if I am at home and he is out.
Yeah, I just read a couple of articles on triangulation.
Yes, he wants me to move, and he wants her to support him in that.
however, she just caught him using again, after claiming he had been clean for a few months…They both sell real estate, are partners, and he hasn’t been pulling his weight…she’s paid the bills for the last couple of months…not really a problem, as he has potentiall, and she’s seen him be very successfull and productive for long periods in the past, but thelieing, and using is not negotiable to her. It was about a week after she caught him, he started on me. I must threaten his relationship with her…either that or I am being scape=goated for their problems…I understand that I am probably being used as a pawn by her, as well. She gets to be the go- between and maintain her upper-hand…I guess.
I do imbibe a little, in the privacy of my own room, before I sleep at night, and this is his pet peeve…he has to quit using, so I should not drink my glass of wine. Thus, all the attacks no my character.
Stolen,
They use the same lines on all the new targets!
The ex-GF I’m friends with now and I compared notes. The same pattern of behaviour and the same empty promises. These creatures are such good charmers and stealthy manipulators that we don’t realize it’s all a game until it’s too late.
The lines mine uses:
“have I told you lately that I love you”
“thank you for being my woman”
“I want to go into our sunset years with you”
….my all time favorite….”you are the only one!”
I think the warning can only function before they have sex. We all know how additive sex with the sociopath can be at beginning of the relationship; you want more and more of him even though you already know that he is a bad guy. It’s like a drug you’re on denial until you hit the bottom. But I also believe that warning a potential victim will plant the seed on the back of her mind and she can free herself from the relationship earlier than we did, perhaps with less “wounds—. who knows?
Kim,
So quit the glass of wine!~ If it is causing problems in your life it is too much, even if it is only one drop…isn’t that part of the assessment of the 12 step program is that booze has caused a problem in your life? It may not be that you are missing work or anything else, but if it is giving HIM AN EXCUSE to attack you (and we know he will dig up every one he can) then stop it. If you have trouble stopping it, then there IS A BIGGER PROBLEM.
The triangle is a real problem with game playing. I may have told you before about getting a copy of “Games People Play” by DR. Eric Berne—it really is a helpful book in allowing you to see the GAMES that people do play and to have a reasonable way to DISENGAGE in those games. Especially in addictive and enabling games…
His problem seems to be he doesn’t want to “work a program” he jjust wants to lie, and she is apparently playing too—either rescuing him or persecuting him—I still think, like I said months ago, if there is ANY way for you to get out of that house and find ANYwhere else to sleep and live, you will be better off in the long run. What happens to them and their games is not something you can be involved in and stay healthy yourself! I know you love your D and GK but we all need to love NUMBER ONE MOST! and take care of HER! (((Hugs))))
Wow
You’re my FAVORITE!!! (for some reason that one hurts the most!!)
I’d give up everything for you
Nothing in my life has ever compared to what we have
I don’t pick out the onions….I love you onions and all!!
He told me he never really loved the girl before me….they were just convenient and made each other feel good. (I thought it was a mutual thing…it wasn’t…total red flag at the time but I thought I was special….DUH!!!) He told her (the perfect new girl)he never loved me the way he had loved her (ten years ago). So I guess I moved up on the ladder…at least he loved me on some level…he “cared for me deeply!!!”
Errrr…now I’m just getting pissy….time to move on to better thoughts!!!
Thanks Aeylah!!!
Yes, Oxy, I know you’re right. I just don’t wanna. Damn it.