UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Stolen,
They do have some good ones….and ones they know work on us all.
I feel pissy too…but with a need to vent….
another line:
“all those other women were just a cheep interpretation of you”
okay….onward to more pleasent thoughts. How’s the weather in your part of the world?
Changed,
I agree….sex is so intoxicating, I never realized that even with his half cocked-flacid pudenda…. (result from prostate surgery) it could be good (occasionally). I thought that would keep him from chasing other women, since I tollerated pathalogical sex……and thought if other women were warned of his condition it would keep them away…..dosent work!
Kim,
I love my glass of wine at night too!, I would be hard pressed to give it up complete.
Wow. I just read some more on triangulation, and we are (all three of us) doing that dance. I really didn’t realize I was being so unhealthy. He gets to play the role of perpertrator, she’s rescuer, and I’m victim. sigh. Rinse and repeat.
The first thing I need to do is deal with the conflict and not drag my daughter in to fix it. Of course, everyone of us is contributing to the problem. I won’t allow him to abuse me, so he has to want to be part of the solution, too.
Or am I once again trying to fix it? Sheeeesh. Does it ever end?
Dear Kim,
YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX IT—just like you said.
The ONLY way to “fix” the “games” with the TRIANGLE is to QUIT PLAYING ANY ROLE at all.
That is what NC is is “I WILL NO LONGER PLAY ANY ROLE IN YOUR GAMES.” That is why it is sooooo successful, is because to NOT PLAY is the ONLY WAY WE WIN!
No matter which of the roles you play (and manyy of us have “favorite” roles, but in the end ALL OF US PLAY EACH ROLE…depending on the day. (or hour)
Get the book “Games People Play” it is an old one, but simple and straight forward and gets the BULL CARP out of our excuses and we have to own up to what we are doing.
You’re on a 12 step program but you drink a glass of wine every night, which IS BEING USED AS AN EXCUSE BY YOUR SIL to keep the game going, but you don’t WANT TO GIVE IT UP! You expect HIM to give up his drugs, but you don’t want to give up your booze, because even though it is causing problems in relationships (even if it IS ONLY with him) you aren’t willing to quit the wine—but you can do it anytime you want to, right?
Kim, darling, you know I love you, but as LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER THAT ROOF YOU ARE PLAYING THE GAME. There is nothing healthy going on with the relationships.
Your SIL isn’t healthy. Your D isn’t healthy or she wouldn’t put up with his lying, and you are RIGHT IN THE BIG MIDDLE OF TWO UNHEALTHY PEOPLE AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
You keep up with the excuses of “no job” and can’t support myself, but My take on that, bluntly, is YOU COULD IF YOU REALLY NEEDED TO OR REALLY WANTED TO, but that you actually don’t want to move away from there—oir you would.
He SAYS he wants to quit drugs or whatever he does, but his ACTIONS show otherwise. You say it is unhealthy and you want out but your ACTIONS say other wise.
Kimmie, you know I love ya, sista! But you also know I am gonna slam you with the BS skillet when there is BS flying! And there is a lot about this story that smells of bull carp!
Kim it is just like my EXCUSES for not losing the weight and for allowing it to CREEP up “oh, it’s just a couple of pounds” to the point there are no pairs of pants in my closet that I can get my fat stomach into….ONE POUND AT A TIME. Now I am having to OWN UP TO THE FACT THAT THIS WEIGHT, MY EATING, IS CAUSING PROBLEMS WITH MY HEALTH. Not only physical but emotional and mental as well.
The reality Kim is that we are BOTH you and I “violating the ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT” (you know the 10 in the Bible, they are nothing compared to this 11th one I made up) it is
THOU SHALT NOT FOOL THYSELF!!!!
It isn’t a healthy situation for you to be living with your SIL and D, and it isn’t healthy for me to EAT LIKE a truck driver because now I have tipped my body over into TYPE II DIABETES. And I knew I would if I didn’t stop gaining weight! I KNEW IT AND I STILL DIDN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW THAT SITUATION WITH SIL is sooner or later going to BLOW SKY HIGH….and you still haven’t done anything to get out of the BLAST ZONE! Then when it DOES Blow up, you will be blasted off your feet!
It’s like driving on a bald tire, you know sooner or later it is going to blow out, and if you don’t get another tire or park the car, it may do it when you are doing 70 on the freeway at rush hour and all hell break loose.
PREVENTIVE ACTION IS GOOD SENSE—FOR ME AND YOU BOTH! I’m having to do AFTER-BLAST CLEAN UP now, before something worse happens…like a heart attack or stroke!.
Kimmie, we are both survivors and both strong women, it is just time for us BOTH to pony up and man up and do what we KNOW WE MUST DO TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES! No one can do it for us! But You and I together, we can do anything!!!! We’ve been on this road for quite sometime now, Kim, and we’ve encouraged each other and we’re going to keep on doing thing. I will NOT give up on you, and I hope you will not give up on me!!! ((((Hugs))) and my prayers!
“As long as he is still using peeps to harass and threaten us”..it’s backatcha babe~!
Hit fast and hard—”
Eb, what you are saying here reminds me of what my clients in Northern Ireland, (yes you read it right) used to say. They were political prisoners-ex combatants from the Maze prison. These guys did time for stuff like blowing up Harrod’s of London in the 80’s and the Europa Hotel. I won’t say more but this is what they swore by:
“NEVER let your enemy know what you are going to do.”
Sometimes they would call in a “you have ten minutes to clear the place” but often that was a bluff. I am a pacifist so I could never accept the violence mentality I was exposed to as part of the job. They were clients of the agency where we re-integrated them back into the real world (I know, who knew eh?).
That “advice” stayed with me and I used it very effectively with my ex during our court days. It has it’s place if re-framed.
I swear by that nugget of wisdom (albeit it comes from hard core Northern Ireland freedom fighters) YIKES!
Dear Adamsrib,
Believe me “never let your enemy know what you are going to do” THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! And one thing I VIOLATED too many times. I warned my Ps…and that is not good sense even!~ GIVES THEM the UPPER hand.
Adamsribm-
“NEVER let your enemy know what you are going to do.” I like this advice…I have not fully employed it, I have been planting seeds of anxiety, but I think it’s time to change up the strategy, especially as we will be headed into court soon…let’s keep em guessin’!
Hi all
It’s been a long time since I wrote on this site. This blog appealed to me because it’s the first time I have read a story about someone who appears to have gone through what I did. Creepily similar.
I was two years into the relationship before I found out the full extent of his activities on the internet, including other more dubious activities as well as online dating where he paraded himself as a single man looking for women. I won’t go into on here what he was doing on other sites.
Suffice to say, what struck a chord here was the casual ease of “the lie”. If one lie doesn’t appear to work, so smoothly does the next one roll off the tongue, complete with forthright stare, no obvious signs of a lie you would normally expect. Plausible. Always room for a little niggle of doubt in your own belief system.
Anyway, my five pennyworth. No – don’t involve yourself with any of his future victims or try to warn any of them. I did. She didn’t believe me. I discovered he was working us both at the same time, and I appeared to have been selected more favourably than she at that time. (I describe it this dispassionately because that’s what they do. They select you. There is no love here. Only you love, they don’t). She was, at the time I contacted her, desperate to know why he had suddenly dropped out of contact (online dating – so easy), why she never heard from her “love” any more, what had she done, she couldn’t eat, sleep, nearly losing her mind.
I felt sick and horrible and contacted her to put her out of her misery. Told her it appeared that whilst he was telling her he loved her and wanted her to be with him, he was also telling me the same, and possibly more. Her reaction “Oh well, he chose you, lucky old you!” – Lucky??? She thought I was Lucky??? I tried then to explain the full depth of his lies, and she could see them, she couldn’t not see them, but she was so besotted she didn’t care.
When I confronted him, she was a stalker, a demented woman, a lunatic who had made his life a living hell. He cried. But at the same time, he put me down and made me feel a heel for doubting his integrity. I, too, did not know what I was dealing with at the time. It was quite a long time after I was left in tatters thinking I had lost my mind that I began to find sites like this that helped me to understand what happened to me.
In the interim, I tracked him, I kept tabs on what he was doing. I had his passwords to some of his lesser desirable adult sites and what happened? I became addicted to going on there to see what he was doing, and whilst it was slightly reassuring to see he was just as bad as I thought he was, it was also kind of like banging my head against a brick wall already covered with my own blood. How many times did I want to beat myself with this and come away feeling miserable.
I agree, it’s just another form of contact, another way you can get dangerously enmeshed in his/her life. Another way you don’t even realise they are still exerting power over you. It took me over a year to stop going on to these sites and then shaking like a leaf because he really was as bad as I thought he was. Some small part of me just wouldn’t seem to accept it no matter what the evidence.
This is what they seem to be able to do. They muddy the waters, create smoke and mirrors to such an amazing affect you never really feels sure what you know and what you don’t. I found some of the women he was contacting were just as bad as he was. I tried to warn a couple, they weren’t interested and just thought it was sour grapes on my part.
Walk on and don’t look back – that’s my best offer. Don’t do what I did and get hooked back into any aspect of it, even if you think you are helping other women. Most of them are too far in it to see the wood for the trees and won’t believe you anyway, which is just as upsetting.
Good for you for seeing it, dealing with it, and walking away from it. I took a long time to see it, even longer dealing with it, and the only way I could get away from it was to run. He wasn’t violent, but mentally he was a master game player and you will never be in their league.
Who wan’ts to be anyway?
Love n light
LJ