UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Okay….quandry solved!
This is the whole reason we need to ‘sit on it’……because somethng ‘new’ comes right around the corner!
BAIL REVOKED! Hearing is in the process of being set.
IT’ll ROCK HIS WORLD!
I realized today his route…..he goes from A state to B state, c and d……once he leaves D state he alwyas ends up in MY town! And the trouble rears it’s head.
SO……I counter controlled that…..contacted the courts and the DA’s office and had my local sherrifs office provide the documentation they needed to go for bail revokation.
So….he will have to fly directly ON DEMAND back to hillbilly state nowhere from his current paradise to face the judge….which will include a DRUG TEST….he no doubt will fail!
Then….sit in jail until his trial…..of which HE waived his right to a speedy trial……..Enjoy it homeboy!
Shoulda paid me the child support, shoulda signed the deed, shoulda not messed with the WRONG CHICK!
So…..princess lei will be wondering where her skywalker has disappeared to……what’s that story gonna be….a client summoned me to work on the fly in hickville for the next few months/years?
I also informed the DA, for confirmation on his current location…..a few peeps would know where he is…….like princess lei and the ‘friend’ who took him to the airport and he stayed at their house……heres their numbers…..check it out.! 🙂
I ordered a copy of the reciept for the new sporting equipment he ordered in D state……with his signiture and the date he picked it up! that should be provided to me later today.
Um…….talk about shaken him up…..
He’s freaked his cell phones tapped, he will be mortified to use a computer…….and he will NEVER know where this info came from….
That’s the best part!
So……how does christmas in the slammer sound…….and he thought he was sitten FAT on his permanent vacation.
Hmmmmmmmm
Erinbrock:
You are amazing. Go get him!
Donna
This is not in response to what anyone has posted, because I have not read the posts above it. Rather, it seemed to fit with the overall topic of the blog post…who do I tell what to?
This is about you don’t have to share your story:
http://bit.ly/bDBbAK
ellejay says:
I concur. Tracking them can become a titillating addiction that really serves no purpose past a certain point. (once you’ve gathered all your info you need)
It can also be weirdly fascinating. Like watching a documented accident unfold all over the place.
ErinB Oh MY ~!
ellejay,
I really am sorry for all the pain you have suffered. There are so many on this site who have been so very hurt. It defies logic that here are so many of these zombies out there. Scary ‘to the max’ as we used to say in the 70’s.
I had a partner one time whom I met online while doing research on Irish history. We talked on the phone for a year and then we met. He turned out to be a wonderful man. He was very good to me I cannot fault him. It’s a long story but I will say it ended because his ex wife wanted him back plain and simple. Actually she was technically still his wife because in Ireland in those days it was against the law to get a divorce.
Today I do not recommend internet dating but in the early days it was not as bad, in my experience. Anywhoo he was legally separated. My point is: when he went back to her he never could get himself to tell me that they had reconciled. He fibbed but it was the kind of lie that people tell so as not to cause pain. He would do that on rare occasion to spare people’s feelings. I do not believe he was spath. He was a kind soul.
What it did to me though was leave a huge question mark in my psyche. The uncertainty of what happened just about drove me mad. Psychologists call the looking for details “information gathering”. It is done to alleviate the whys of what we experienced. What he does not know to this day is though he spared me the truth that we would never be together because he would stay in his marriage for his children, he caused me utter destruction in my heart by not being square with me. I believe that someday he will know, that I will get a chance to tell him. All is forgiven and we are at peace with one another though not close. He is married after all.
I liken it to someone losing a loved one to murder and just how far they will take their gathering so that they can find closure. They just want answers, facts, detail. They leave no stone unturned. When they get the answers they get the peace and they move on. Since he and I were separated by thousands of miles (I was back here in the US) I could not get the answers I needed. I finally found out that yes he was back with his wife. I was not angry because I saw first hand how his children suffered. I witnessed them crying over it. I felt so bad for those wee ones. He was such a loving daddy-it broke his heart no doubt. It was not common to live in split homes in a close Irish Catholic community in those days. Just not done. So that did not anger me. I was devastated that he could not tell me the truth about the reconciliation.
Uncertainty, I am convinced can cause extreme mental anguish when we DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I cannot help but wonder just how many on this site are suffering from this uncertainty syndrome. If I was a psychologist, I would specialize in that.
What pains me is that so many here find the answers and still keep digging in the ant hole for more and more until they are covered with stinging welts. Is this a form of masochism I wonder? Of course, I have not been so “in love” with a spath that I would find a need to do that. I believe that knowing myself, after the first weird thing I came across I would shut it off and not want to know more but I would RUN LIKE HELL!!. But it is easy for me to talk. Have not ever walked in those shoes, I am not judging just wondering how it is to want to know more and more of the sordid details. That surely would make me crazy as hell.
As an epilogue I can say my biggest lesson was this: a separated man is a married man. Period. I know I have deviated from our subject (Narc/Spaths) I am just so curious why the need for sordid details that are painful beyond belief and yet they are still sought after. Can anyone shed light on this? I am woefully inadequate in this subject.
EB- you ARE amazing. When I was first in my marriage with my spath ex I was afraid of him. When I left him and went to work in Belfast and came home, he was afraid of me . YEAH!!! 🙂
You go girl. Nail the SOB so he won’t be so free to hurt again. I swear punishment is all they listen too.
I am very sorry that you crossed paths with this pathological personality.
Let me ask you this question…..If you had been warned in the beginning would you have listened?
I was warned, even by his own mother. He told me she was crazy and I believed him.
I stayed for 15 years, was emotionally and sexually abused and had all of my money taken from me.
He is now on dating sites and looks VERY good on paper. I pity anyone who falls for him but somehow don’t feel that it would serve me and my recover to intervene.
Best wishes to you.
ErinB, OMG!!! You rock!
How do you get a copy of the receipt?
Like Donna said… you are amazing!!
You just ask…..and provide a fax number.
🙂
forever_me, at just a week out from breaking up with this guy, I would be more worried about you than these other women. You could drive yourself crazy trying to warn everybody, at what time do these women become responsible for their own actions of having unprotedted sex with someone they just met? I agree with sickofhim, if somebody had warned me about some of the men I have had relationships with I would not have believed them, we just believe what we want to believe, we just see what we want to see. I hope you stay here at LF and read a lot of the articles!!! It has helped me to open my eyes and see myself, and to see that there is evil / liar / cheater / whatever he is… disguised as the nice guy next door. I just pray to God everyday that I don’t trip up and open my heart ever again to a toxic person.