UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
@....... EB
😀
Bail Revoked!!
He gave up his right to a speedy trial…
won’t know where info came from…
will freak out at phone / computer / etc…
princess will wonder where he’s gone…
PRICELESS!!!
Donna…..thanks for such a great inspirational ‘meeting’ place.
neveragain, interesting article, I have only shared my story on this website, I have a sister who knows me quite well, has hung in there with me through the good and the bad… but the hurt I felt, and the rediscovering of my self (still in the process) is a very personal thing… I just couldn’t share everything with her, was worried about the judgement and that she might throw things in my face (especially the part about loaning him money). She has her own problems (I can see them now) that she won’t even admit. Anyway, thank you for sharing the article!!!!!!!!!!!!
To some extent, I think it’s helpful to do what you feel you must do to be consistent with your own values. But so many rules are changed when you’re dealing with an actual sociopath, and you must always bear in mind that this is a person who is much better at convincing people than you or I will ever be. He has made it the very basis of his existence, to the extent that it’s very unlikely you’d persuade someone he’s determined to con. Knowing that is one thing, and for some of us I think there may be value in proving it to ourselves. It’s a painful lesson, though, I can tell you!
To all who feel the need to warn the next victim, I fully understand where you are coming from. After I learned that my ex had been a chronic cheater throughout our entire marriage while I pretty much fully supported him financially, it blew my mind how he could have been doing these things behind my back and yet be the perfect loving husband in my presence. I did some research into his history and learned that I was far from the first woman that he had treated in this manner. That’s when I felt that I HAD to warn the woman that he suddenly and without warning discarded me for. She was considerably younger and an acquaintance as well. I warned and warned and she blew me off. Then, she finally caught him cheating. I remember feeling so grateful that she had finally realized that I was NOT crazy, nor scorned but just simply wanted to prevent her from being his next victim. But, oh how we underestimate the power of these people. She also learned during this time that he had given her two STDs one of which is very serious. So, what does she do? She allows him to somehow convince her that he is a changed man, has never loved a woman like he loves her, will NEVER cheat again and she married him! It is SHE who works the full-time job while he earns just enough to pay his child support and support his pot habit by playing in a local cover band. The man is 42 years old and sits on his rear all week while she works and then he drags her to hole in the wall bars on the weekends while he beats on a drum. So, all I can say is that my warnings and even his showing her his true colors still weren’t convincing enough. I just feel that our truths can never compete with their lies. Remember, everything is about winning for them. It’s not we who are trying to win…we’re just trying to keep other people from being hurt or destroyed by these people. I’ll never warn another one and I hope that she doesn’t waste her time when he uses her up and moves on to the next victim.
Morning Oxy. Thanks for your response. Yes, complacency has set in, and I wish I could make the situation work…what ever happened to extended family? I know, times change.
I do like my glass of wine. My last hold out, but, in all honesty I know it isn’t productive for me.
I did stay clean and sober for 9 years….totally.
I got involved with the spath and everything escalated and the bottom dropped out. I managed to beat my addiction to him, to drugs, but am having a hard time letting go of my glass or two of wine.
The employment situation is as bad as I say it is…So my younger daughter offered me this job of caring for the babys and it is full time, and it is an improvement…it’s something.
In the past I provided child care for my other daughter’s son, and did all the cooking…but that GS is growing up, and needs a lot less supervision, and SIL prefers the freedom to decide on a dime what he will eat and where, so said the cooking really didn’t do much for him. (One way to devalue one of the few ways I can contribute) so, I don’t cook for him anymore.
Anyway, you are right. I need to make a commitment to working everyday, in what ever way I can to self- sufficiency.
On a lighter note, GD’s B-day was nice. Daughter and I made a simple dinner of shepards pie and green salad, then had cake and ice-cream. X-hub, and son where here. Older daughter is a flight attendant and was flying. SIL called at requisite time to tell GD happy b-day. I just spent the night, here, since I would have to be back at 6 am, anyway.
Warning future victims can be a tricky proposition. My sociopathic ex-wife draws in other men as easily as breathing.
In some cases you might feel compelled to warn someone but that can turn into a “Tar Baby Situation”. (B’rer Rabbit, B’rer Fox) You have extricated yourself from your X/P but the moment you inject yourself into the new situation you’ve touched that Tar Baby and you’re stuck again. Potentially every subsequent action will stick you on more and put you at risk again.
Fortunately for me, my ex/socio hooked up with her attorney who was married, a former city councilman, an Episcopal priest and 18 years her senior. She broke up a 27 year marriage and moved him halfway across the country. She hooled up with someone who was just as slimy as her and thought he could get the drop on her. No such luck. As they say, “The gates of Hell are locked from the inside”. I got out.
Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your kids (if you have some).
The sociopath used his girlfriend, at the time, to attempt to take custody of our baby from me. She did things like openly video taping me while I was dropping off or picking up my baby. The two had my son calling her “mama.” Brought her to my home with the police, claiming that he was due visitation, while knowing full well he wasn’t. All kinds of destructive crap. She testified in divorce court against me while she was 5 months pregnant with his second child. None of it helped them. The judge was too wise for it all. He got supervised visitation.
Two weeks after the divorce decree was signed by the judge, the sociopath ran to the courthouse (another one of course) and married. In TWO WEEKS!!
Fast forward two years later, she contacted me. He kicked her out of the house, called her worthless, and sent her a certified letter to their home telling her that he was divorcing her. He left her with a year old baby. The same age that my baby was when he left me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, so I did speak with her, BUT I also don’t really feel that she “gets it” or understands the life long implications for herself and her son. She’s very young, and 20+ years his junior. My primary reason for keeping contact with her is to know what he’s doing. He’s tied up in court proceedings with her right now, and it gives me a chance to plan my next move.
If I didn’t have a child, I probably would not have accepted her invitation for contact. I keep contact with her strictly for self-serving purposes — that is to keep my son out of harm’s way. I have warned her about the dangers of agreeing to give him legal custody. She is confused about what to do. You can lead them to water, but you can’t make them drink.
Warning someone else can be touchy and even dangerous.
I was able to alert someone who was starting a relationship with the notorious ‘Bozo’ but it was done through a third party intermediary who found his story on the internet, knew his history, and then she told the new girlfriend. She quickly dropped Bozo by succinctly sending him a note that she heard about his terrible reputation with women and under the circumstances didn’t want to see him anymore.
It’s really not our responsibility to warn anyone about them, and in some cases, doing so can jeopardize our safety. Mine was a persistent stalker with a ‘terrible temper’ and I had to take many precautions to protect my safety and whereabouts.
All in all, as far as ‘warning’ someone else, let it go.
I agree with the more cautious postings of Callista and Ox Drover, as well as the book, The Sociopath Next Door.
I hate to say it but warning the next could be just your own excuse to reengage. Unless you’re sharing the custody of a child there is no reason on earth to reengage with a sociopath. Not closure. Not revenge. Not altruism.
It may sound like I’m advocating leaving someone in a burning building. I’m not, burning buildings are not manipulative. Burning buildings have a kind of honesty that sociopaths do not.
The thing about being the victim of a sociopath is you don’t realize it while it is happening. You want to believe you’re smarter than this. This person is the fun center of the universe, so you keep writing off the progressive cruelty, the remarks that are more and more at your expense, the discrepencies, the lies the person tells and so on and so on. Chances are an angry-ex will just seem like someone your sociopath survived, instead of vice-versa.
When its over you want to get yours. What you’ve got to realize is you were the fly lucky enough to get out of the spider’s web. Maybe the spider got bored with you. Maybe you came to your senses and broke free. Whatever the reason, you are free and being free is your victory.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Modern media has done all of us all two disservices. First, it’s made characters with sociopathic tendencies into superheroes, i.e. Dexter and House. Second, it’s created a lie where people only get closure from reengaging and gaining some kind of revenge.
You disengaging is your victory and your closure.
The absence of the sociopath from your life is your victory and your closure.
Finally, don’t fall for the same trap I did. If the person in your life says on occasion, “I wonder if I’m a sociopath sometimes.” Don’t logic yourself into believing that they must not be because a sociopath would never wonder such things. Sociopaths are master manipulators and this is a ploy just like any other they might use.
In closing, declaring your independence from your sociopath-ex, maybe be the best warning of all.