UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
I think it depends on each situation. I don’t think I would personally run down victims like a crusader as it could consume your life and there is never an end to it. There will always be another victim. However, if there have been provable documented crimes committed, as a citizen, one must report it to the authorities. I have done this.
I have also designed a web site to allow those who want to “search” for the truth to find it. In my case, I was extremely careful and did not date or ride in the car with a man alone. I met Mr. Smooth through business and church and after much research and questioning of people and GOOGLE RESEARCHING, my family and I found nothing but positive feedback. I slowly began to allow Mr Smooth into my and my families life…..
Because I did search for the truth and found nothing to mark this person, I decided to put something out there on the internet to serve as a “marker” for those like myself who wanted to know the truth. The site is simple, requires very little financially, and it just stays there as a warning to those who care to look. I have heard from people who have been saved the heartache and danger of dealing with Mr. Smooth because of my web site and I can’t say how great that feels.
A word of warning, I checked with an attorney and read the latest on internet liability before building the site. There is much more I could post, but don’t.
I feel the case needs to develop through the legal system, so I don’t question people or make contact. My GOAL LINE was to report a criminal to the authorities and I have no control over how it comes out. It takes forever for the legal system to “get there” but they have treated me so kindly and I can’t say enough good about it so far. I know that it could come to nothing, but the case is built on hard “paper evidence”, court documents and other concrete evidence of a lifetime of forgery and other crimes. Paper is King in the court system. I am asking for nothing in return either, just that the courts try this person for the crimes committed. If it comes to nothing , I will always know that I did the right thing. Victims of crime must speak out. The criminals are counting on us to be quiet.
One sure thing I have discovered is that victims continue to act like victims long after the event. I am not a victim. I am a citizen of this world and I “owe” something back to humanity. I believe we should “remember those who come after us”. I don’t think people should be fool hardy and devote their lives to the “criminal” . I believe we should co-operate with the justice system for the sake of others. I hate the “just save yourself” attitude. You can move on with your life AND accomplish other things too. Very little of my life is “spent” on this issue. I have far too much to do each day. This is something that happened to me and I can’t pretend it didn’t happen or that other’s lives are not in jeopardy. I could never respect myself.
What I have discovered is the justice system is struggling because victims and witnesses clam up and won’t trouble themselves to co-operate with the prosecution of criminals.
My criminal would laugh and say in a sing-song voice ” they don’t care!” about people’s attitude towards others. There are some of us who care. Yes, I probably am discussed by Mr Smooth in a negative way. (he’d talk about me no matter what I did anyway) Yes,there is fear. So I guess if we are afraid and it disrupts our life, then we are just to ignore the criminal and move on without action? If real prosecutable crimes were committed…….action is required by a citizen. I hate to be the one to try to remind us all that we are part of a larger picture. I refuse to become cynical and only care about myself first. That would be the saddest loss of all…… To let a criminal change my world view and my optimism and love for others and this world we live in would be the ultimate loss. I continue to be me. I have always stood up for “right” and always will.
I just ask others to join me in citizenship and get involved with the drive to make our national marriage and divorce records more accessible to us so we can do our own research.
My site is http://www.imarriedmaurice.com
Thank you
I am still married to my p and I know that he is building another relationship but I don’t know who. So that hurts me because I feel for someone else that I know will be hurt as badly as I have been and I can’t do anything to prevent it. I think there should be a national registery for these men.
Bob said : Chances are an angry X will just seem like someone your sociopath survived, instead of vice-versa: I agree..No contact is our best weapon and ultimate salvation.
I didn’t think to say, that the question I asked myself when I did try to warn someone was – “Why am I doing this?”
I didn’t actually know the answer to that one, but I knew that in some small way, it kind of kept you in their world, if only as an observer. I tried to fool myself into believing it was my duty to warn others. But I was also very aware that chances were no one would believe me. Lordy, I hardly believed it myself.
I think it is always prudent to think about why you want to warn someone, then think about again, then again, and just check that in some small way it’s not a form of revenge, or just a way of being part of their world. I tried it once, it didn’t work, and it kind of made me feel exposed. I decided that whilst I didn’t wish this on anyone else, I also didn’t have the right to invade his world. It’s a tricky one though, because you really do feel that people need to be warned about these types of people, but I am not clear the best way to do it.
Ellejay
Because mine was using online dating and not being honest about his herpes, DAMN RIGHT I warned others. I posted on DDHG, WomanSavers, DatingPsychos, any place I could. To my surprise dozens of women who had been affected by him started posting as well. I met some of them. I became really good friends with one of them. He didn’t figure out what was going on for nearly a year. He then contritely approached me, asking “how can we resolve this?” I said that if he stopped using online dating I’d remove the posts and that’s where we still are today. I check periodically to make sure he isn’t back on any of the dating sites with his misleading dating profile. He knows this, and I think he knows that if he tries it, I’ll find him out and post his hometruths to the world again. He doesn’t want this because he’s a well-known classical musician and it was quite shaming for him to learn that his details had been revealed online. Of course he will continue to use, infect, and harm as many women as he can with what’s left of his life, but at least I do feel that he will avoid using the internet to do so. This makes me feel a little better.
I WAS warned but I ignored them, thinking it would be different with me..so just like me the victim’s get what they need – a life lesson
I warned two victims. One didn’t know about me, the other did.
Both ended up going back. At the same time.
Not surprising. They were as ill as he was. But I’m completely grateful that I had the strength to leave immediately. Sure, he was covert, but once the light is shining on the truth – denial is no longer an option. These gals chose to close the curtains and keep the light out. So sad.
I pity them now. The things that must run through their heads…
But for me, I learned very quickly that the “saving” wasn’t about them. It was about trying to save myself. It was about giving them the chance I never got. No one warned me. Not one.
Had I chose differently if I were warned? I know that if I’d had the details given to me that I gave to these women, I would have saved myself years of wasted time. But I also know I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without those years…
We all have a path, I guess.
(BTW, I did post on Woman Savers immediately after I left. But who knows if that really works. I felt like that was SOMETHING I could do)
Our stories sound identical.
I absolutely think it is worth the effort to warn potential victims. Even if they don’t listen initially, you have put the bug in their ear and the red flags will soon start popping up. After I gave my P three years of my life and over $50,000 because I believed his lies, it has been so therapeutic to help others avoid being abused by this man. Read our story.
http://www.westword.com/2010-04-29/news/operation-cockblock-tries-to-protect-women-s-hearts-and-pockebooks-from-this-crooked-casanova/
Stay strong. You will be a wiser and better person for your experience!
Thanks for posting this article. I warned my ex-husband’s girlfriend while we were divorcing and also his second one. The second one is marrying him. I can already see him at work on her- she started lying about things to protect him. No doubt he’s painted me as a horrible person or as being mentally ill.
Ironically, they are getting married…on my ex’s and my anniversary!! I sent her a message on FB and told her about the date (he invited my family members (!) so I knew what day they were marrying). She wrote me back and said his father suggested the date. I didn’t bother to respond. She’s too far gone in love with this empty shell and I can not help her.
I agree that warning each and every woman in my ex’s life would be mentally draining and prevent me from going forward and healing from this freak. It’s nice to have that pointed out, though, as it’s validating.
I would say that it’s probably good to get involved to a certain degree to expose a sociopath.
However, you’ll need to be pretty clear-headed in order to gauge how far you want to get involved, and try not to do it when you’re fuming and hurt.
I think it’s great that Erin Brock has pinned down her sociopath, it looks like, many times and pretty easily. If your sociopath owes you money or child support, etc, I think it’s good to overcome fear and to go after them for those things.
These people get away with their actions because of many reasons, and I must admit, hindsight, I wish my ex socio’s ex would’ve come to me and explained what happened. It would’ve made things clearer for me, early on.