UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Should you warn the next victim?
That’s a negative.
Doing so would be inviting abuse from the very same person you’re trying to warn and protect. They will never understand until they it is too late. They will turn against you assuming that you’re jealous, trying to interfere, blah blah blah. In my experience it’s an exercise in futility and an invitation for trouble. I tried to do that same exact thing and had the person call the police on me. So I’ve learned to live and let die and watch from a far. I know what I know and know full well that it’s just a matter of time till they experience it in their own flesh and blood. It’s not my problem. Nobody warned me. To each its own!
To You ALL!
I want you ALL to know that I would have listened. So, using the boundries that Donna recommends, safety and knowing your own emotional self, YES! Warn someone LIKE ME.
BECAUSE as much as I wanted him and cared about him, something was “Not Right”, something I couldn’t put my finger on. So I TALKED myself OUT of it, told myself to stop questioning and start accepting the love this man decalred for me and his promises for our future life together.
To know WHY I felt something “not right” when all the words and our being together made sense would have saved me Years of anguish, abuse, and the slide into the nightmare that I still struggle with today, the constant worry and doubt that I now carry thinking that whatever SEEMS real is probably a scam, that no one REALLY likes me but is just setting me up. And worse, the headtrip that was done to my daughter, that b/c she is “like me”, she is unloveable and that no one will ever want her.
That is what you would have saved me and my precious daughter. I am telling you what I KNOW about myself: that I WOULD HAVE LISTENED b/c 1) something was “not right” and more than that 2) I would have protected my daughter.
WOW!!! Welcome to all the NEW POSTERS, and Welcome-back to those of you we haven’t seen in a while! This subject sure got some “action”–and we all seem to want to express our opinions on this subject.
CAUTION is the word, and sometimes, once in a while, rarely, you can warn someone and they will listen, but most times not….just depends on if I will try. But ONLY ONE TIME and only if they appear receptive and I have a way to “access” them without putting myself in a squeeze.
I have a conscience so if the “building is burning” I will try to at least call 911, but I may not run inside to try to drag them out! It just depends on the situation and what is prudent and safe.
I AM PROTECTING MYSELF FIRST, and not having any expectation I can “save” someone else. I myself have been warned by people I KNEW AND TRUSTED, and STILL blew them off. So we all believe what we want to, and so does the next victim most of the time!
I had a c— hound for 6 years just like forever_me. I wonder if it’s the same guy! Well, sigh, they ALL start to sound alike after a while don’t they? I, too warned other women. I also had a TEAM playing detective and warning even more. The majority of women didn’t believe me because, yes, just like in forever_me’s case he told all his potential victims that I was “stalking” him. However a few of these gals recognized me as a buddy and we became good friends. Generally speaking my hound had pretty good taste in women and we always had a lot in common with each other- most of us were a certain “type”. The woman I just couldn’t convince married him after knowing him for 3 months. After he stole her nest egg- around 30K, and divorced her for not sexually accomodating him on demand after a mere 8 months of wedded bliss- he actually had the nerve to show up on my doorstep, saying “I miss you”. I told him I was sorry, but I had a new life now and he and his games just didn’t fit in anymore.
The best warning I would give to potential “other targets” is to LISTEN very carefully when the “other” woman warns you. She’s doing you a BIG favor.
I have not been socially involved with my hound for over 5 years now- but every once in a while I get a woman who contacts me who has been burned by him and happened across a note I wrote that is still in his house where she will eventually find it but HE is unlikely to. Not one of those women has told HIM about the note BTW. By then they’re ready to do some warning of their own!
Hens…..Oh MY is right! 🙂
Welcome to all the new folks who came out to post on this topic.
I think it’s a topic we all ponder at some point in the process of being spathed.
EB- it’s a testament to your intelligence, STAMINA and sassy attitude yay…you are the sociopath nightmare…hee hee
Thanks BP! 🙂
Someone tried to warn me. It was played off as she was the jealous ex making up lies about him. I believed him. So why try to warn the next one? I would just be the jealous ex. I think she is well aware of his capabilities, if only her dead husband could speak. They deserve each other.
Erdelyi –
A note in his house! I love it!
Donna
Hi-My 2 cents on warning next victim.
About a month after my divorce from xspath I contacted his first wife. i had tried to talk to her before the divorce but was unable to contact her. she wrote me back immediately and said she was crying reading my letter…that I had validated her horrible experience with him and she would support me in anything I needed. It was too late at that time. he got custody and he was getting married to third wife. He got engaged the day after divorce was final. Creep.
His first wife and I along with 7 other women, did a photoshoot and an article on DV and she was on the local news in Atlanta talking about our x and DV in general and the foundation Give Back a Smile. One of her friends, a computer forensics person, found out xspath’s soon to be 3rd wife’s twin sisters name and email and sent her the video clip of the news cast. She also sent it to the 3rd wife to be. Unbeknownst to me! I had not yet made a decision if I wanted to tell her or not. The first wife and I spent a long time talking about whether to email the 3rd wife prior to her wedding which was going to happen in a few months (he got married 5 months after our divorce). I said I doubted it would do anything….he was talking to me about first wife and I believed his story! That first wife had an affair, was “unstable” etc and when I met her I was astonished. she is a great woman! At that time I had no idea what and who I was dealing with of course…and first wife kept calling him sociopath but I didn’t believe it yet. Denial is amazing.
We then made a decision to write to soon to be 3rd wife independently telling her our stories. I was sure that he was talking badly about me as he had spun his story that I had an affair and the only way I could ever leave him was becuase i was on drugs. Not true. I actually left him after 5 years of recovery from vicodin addiction and in a very healthy place (well, as healthy as possible living with him). I told first wife that had she talked to me before our wedding I wouldn’t have listened. In love, he told a great story about her etc that I believed.
We decided to email her and it was only the day before her wedding to him. Bad timing but we thought she had to have the information. We actually told her not to say anything to him if possible and to just keep the emails for later…that when she was ready and things deteriorated she could call us and we would help her. It was nice thinking and all but she was pissed! I dont’ blame her. a day before her wedding she gets these 2 emails. she did see the video clip, too of his first wife on the news. But with all of that, 2 previous wives one a dentist, another a nurse anesthetist she believed him. she wrote us emails back but to me it sounded like they were written by HIM. the way she called me names was what he would say to me. She didn’t believe first wife either, telling us we were both vindictive and hurt ex wives!! yeah right! Hurt due to him yes. hurt due to leaving him, no!
I called the day of the wedding to talk to my D. My xspath wouldn’t answer his phone 3 times so I called back *67 and he picked up. I could “hear” the tension and he was PISSED. He wouldn’t let me talk to my D and he hung up. I have no doubt she confronted him and he had to back pedal and spin a good story. The wedding occurred.
I don’t know if the fact that we did this made things worse for me or not. He had already done some horrific things to me prior so I can’t pinpoint those emails on the subsequent stuff he has done. I am sure it didn’t help. But, in my heart, after talking to some friends, and the first wife and I having a lot of time together (I spent four days in Atlanta and stayed with her) I felt I HAD to tell this new woman. She was only 30 when they got married and although she is a physician too she seemed pretty young.
I guess I am hoping that when he decompenstates again, and I am sure he will…he married 5 months after our divorce and has not had therapy or changed and doesn’t even go to church anymore….that she will think about those emails and maybe she will be the advocate I need to help me get D back. I won’t count on it but I have seen signs that she might not be totally thrilled with him. I know they have had three live in nannies so far! And I also know he had a mass exodus of employees leave him. And he lost a medical parnter who hates him and the guys wife HATES him even more. I doubt he can hold it together too much longer. they have been married five years now, have bred three children. and have my D. My goal is to get my D back asap.
So, all in all, I don’t regret it but also didn’t have any expectation at all either. I just told her becuase I felt it was the right thing to do knowing she was marrying him.