UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
I was warned by not one, not two but three women, and a load of old business associates within 4 months of my marriage to my S. they confirmed what I already knew instinctively, but couldn’t put my finger on until they explained the game.
At first I was terrified. I left and moved back to my own home, which gratefully had not yet sold. But their experience became a guide for my own handling of the matter. I dissociated from him, our marriage and all that was going on.
Like all sociipaths he believed he knew more about psychology than therapists. He demeaned me, told me I was crazy and that he was the best and only thing that would save me. What a crock. When you see it for what it is, it is easier to detach from the horror. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have therapy to overcome the idea I was caught in his trap. I thought I was smart enough to avoid these things.
But like it or not I made a huge mistake, but was not afraid to take responsibiloty for my own bad decision, and make things right in my life again.
Anyone with smarts will know pretty quick that something is wrong. listen to your gut. And just as importantly, sociopaths lie so much, they forget the lies they told, and make up new ones. These cracks in their story are another clear signal.
The timing was right when I was approached, and they confirmed what my instincts had already told me.
I took my time, didn’t confront right away and certainly didn’t
tell the ‘flim flam man’ I knew what he was up to.
The only thing he manipulated was his own sick illusion.
i am free and happy!!!!!
I was warned..And I have to say that it was the best thing and the one thing that made me leave. For years, I had been told that I was the problem. He told me on several occasions that he would not do the things that he did, if I was not so stupid (yes red flag). Since he had me brainwashed, I believed him. I literally was on the brink of a nervous breakdown because of his gaslighting tactics.
I received information from my ex husbands ex father in law. And he did the same thing to his ex wife. She was smart, she actually had him arrested when he physically assaulted her. Which helped her during her divorce to my exhusband. I also found out that everything my exhusband said about his exwife was a COMPLETE LIE! Everything that he said his exwife did to him was made up. Literally, he just made stuff up.
So, with that phone call, I realized that it was not me. And that feeling that I had in the back of my mind, was spot on. Yes, he does have a problem, not me..And a week later after he decided to punch me in the back of my head, I left and left for good.
Yesterday I finally listened to my phone messages. I was so behind that 49 messages had piled up. 8 of the messages were from Jim (cause I hadn’t checked my messages since I left him in early July) I listened to his first harassing message but deleted it before it finished. I then deleted every message from him without listening to it.
I noticed the tone in his voice got a little nicer in the later messages.
What a con. He bitches me out and then gets nice.
That used to hook me in. But, no more.
Anyway, If a woman approached me and asked me about Jim I would tell her she already knows. I would be testing to see if her motive is honest. If she has a sincere look in her eye I would tell her. I would just be very careful cause I wouldn’t put it past Jim to talk smack about me and get some woman so pissed off at me that she is looking to kick my ass.
Jim tried to pit me against his ex-girlfriend. I was at his house. He mumbled something about he is allowing her to pick up her stuff. He didn’t tell me that she was on her way. I found it out when he announced she arrived and he headed for the door. I froze. I asked “where are you going?” He said he had to go to work. Whereas he didn’t mention work earlier.
He walked out the door and left me there!
I was scared to death cause he had told me that his ex-girlfriend is a psycho, insanely jealous, and a out-of-control drunk.
I would have followed him out the door but his truck was only a few feet from the door whereas my car was parked way down his driveway. I would have been alone with her!
Now I’m alone in his house with psycho woman outside. I ducked on the floor and hid for hours.
Finally I got brave enough to peek out the window. She was gone.
I asked him later, asked him why he left me alone with psycho woman. He said he wanted someone there in case she tries to break in. I was furious and he just waved the hand at me.
He also said that he talked smacked to her and that she hung her head and wouldn’t look at him. He said she is ‘gut-less’ I defended her and said I wouldn’t go toe-to-toe with a big guy like him either. He said size has nothing to do with it.
He tried to pit me against her! Was he hoping for a cat fight?
I noticed that he was actually glowing while he watched women cat fight on Jerry Springer. He looked lit up like a candle.
Anyway, to make a long story short. I would be very careful if anyone were to ask me about Jim. And, I certainly wouldn’t approach a woman to warn her about him.
From my own experience, my ex-husband lied up, down and sideways even when I was standing there holding a photo of him and another woman in my hand. After we divorced I posted his mug shot, name and the city where he lived on Dontdatehimgirl.com and I copied all the traits of a sociopath from the Internet and posted it beside his picture, ending the posting with “Now don’t say you haven’t been warned!” I knew that anyone who dated him would eventually google him and see the posting.
Currently, you can find his profile on Match.com and YES, he is also married to #3. She probably has no idea…
Jennie,
In the future DO NOT ERASE MESSAGES from him. Think of what could be happening if Mel Gibson was not caught on tape. One sure way to nail his ass in the future is to have hard evidence. I think Erin Brock agrees eh Erin? 🙂 KERPOW!!
Sure in hindsight I would of done lot’s of thing’s differently . We are talking about Sociopaths here, I dont want my house burned down while I sleep or when I am at work so I aint saying nothing about him ever again except here. I tried telling a few of his ‘friends’ what he was about and they wasted no time in telling him what I said and he wasted no time in showing up at my door. Just call me crazy, but I aint going to antagonize the Devil..
I agree with keeping the recordings, but have SOMEONE ELSE listen to them. Don’t listen unless they are THREATS TO KILL etc.
Block his access to your phone, or change the number, ditto with e mail and so on. Change locks.
No need to antagonize but at the same time, stand up for yourself if confronted face to face.
Take threats to the cops and file a report. Or a restraining order.
Don’t show fear! Fear antagonizes them like it does a dog about to attack.
CAUTION is the word, not fear or terror. Be realistic. Be careful. PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
Do not communicate with him/her or with anyone who will carry tales. Do not listen to tales. Cut those people off, they are trouble makers too.
To Adamsrib,
The stuff Jim said in messages was pointing fingers at me. It was nothing I could use against him. People would look at me instead. He is that good.
Having begged you all to warn someone like me, I must disclose I am a chicken sh#!.
I SHOULD warn the latest girlfriend b/c she has a little girl, same age as mine ws when I married him. He mindf%$#21 my daughter masterfully. (It has been years and she is just now talking to me like I’m human.) But I am using his relationship as leverage to get my divorce. While he is romancing the new woman, he leaves me alone while I am moving the divorce towards conclusion. Girlfriend expects him to WANT to get divorced. So while he is busy with her, I think I can get free. Once free, I will offer her ture insight, short and sweet. Nothing liable, all court documents and public records.
My perspective is twofold:
1) He tried to kill my humanity, what made me ME. I survived. Barely. I will NOT let him stop my humanity to others. I WILL perform my obligation to warn. What the next woman does with the information is HER responsibility. But I will treat HER as if she is a human being victimized.
2) Like I said, I knew something was “not right” with him, but talked myself out of it b/c NO ONE told me the truth. I will NOT allow him to use me to be part of another woman’s abuse. I will tell (as soon as I am done using her for my divorce, chicken sh!# that I am ).
We must understand our own mission, motives and expected outcome.
Be clear and HONEST with ourselves.