By Ox Drover
Since I have been in the medical profession for many years as a Registered Nurse Practitioner (now retired) I have been interested in the reactions our bodies and our minds have from stress.
Stress is a contributing factor to poor health and decreased immune response. Increases in the frequency of infection for individuals with a high level of stressful events in their lives have been well researched by many researchers. It is also well proven that our thinking and ideal mental responses are also diminished by high levels of stress.
Stress is not just the negative things that happen to us, but according to researchers Holmes and Rahe, stress is the result of “life events.”
I have been aware of this and have “charted” my high stress levels throughout most of my adult life using the “Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale” of “life events.”
Holmes and Rahe studied the effects of stress on humans (both positive stress/change and negative stress/change) and came up with a way to measure the intensity of stress. A score at or above 300 on their scale within a three-year period gave a person a higher than average chance of having illness or an accident happen to them. (Which of course adds even more stress to the person.)
The “take home lesson” from their scale of intensity of stress is that when life is throwing us stressful situations we cannot control, we need to keep the level of changes we voluntarily make at a minimum.
Since my life seems to have been a continual cycle of huge stresses, many of which have not been under my control, I have consciously tried to keep the voluntary contributions to this stress level at a minimum. For years, though, I was actually not doing a very good job, as I was still engaging in interactions with the psychopaths and their dupes. Recently, though, after going NC with the Ps and their dupes, I thought I was doing a pretty good job here lately, and I actually was.
Yesterday, however, after several peaceful, low stress months, I encountered my mother as my son and I were coming out of a checkout line in a store. There was a short “scene” in which I was “triggered” and angered. Wounds were ripped open. I was highly and instantly stressed! Shot full of adrenaline.
I came home, had a pity party, and ranted some and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt much better emotionally, and was back on a “level road.” Physically, though, I felt wrung out, like I had dug ditches with a shovel all day yesterday and was still so residually tired, even after a good night’s sleep, that I was just needing a day of rest.
This feeling lead me to an “ah ha” moment, when I realized that I hadn’t had a big adrenaline rush in quite some time. I had been living in a peaceful and pretty calm state of mind, fear was low, and my body had not been having to deal with high stress levels either internally or externally.
Though I am entirely convinced that it will take several more years of consistent peace, low anxiety, and little change, for me to completely recover from the effects of the high stress levels for such long periods of time, I do realize I have come a long ways in living a life of peace and calm.
When I was having adrenaline rushes almost on a daily, or even hourly, basis during the “crisis” mode, never coming down from that adrenaline rush, I didn’t know how it felt when I did come down. I saw the way I felt (pretty bad) as “normal.” (Because it was the “usual” state.)
Now that I have lived in peaceful circumstances long enough that I haven’t been under a continual surge of stress hormones for a while (literally enough of them to make my body shape change), I can easily tell what I feel physically and mentally today is a response to what happened yesterday.
My body shuttled the blood to my muscles (in a fight or flight scenario) and used up all the glucose stored in my liver to feed them. So I really AM tired, not just “feeling” tired. So, today I rest, exercise a bit, but not too much, and recover my physical normalcy. I will continue to try to keep changes of any kind at a minimum, and not make any voluntary significant changes in my life. I will keep my environment as calm and peaceful as I possibly can.
The damage done to my immune system and to my body and psyche from years of continual bombardment from stress hormones will take years to resolve (if it ever does completely resolve), but it is important that I do my part to keep stressors at a low level. No Contact is the biggest tool in my “tool belt” to keep stress at a lower level. Avoiding any situations and persons that irritate me or add to my stress level is another good tool.
Doing positive things for myself, pampering myself, are more great tools in my belt. Being aware that I need to rest physically (I acknowledge that I am somewhat a workaholic) is also very important. My dishes are still in the sink—the world has not come to an end! I’ll do them when I feel like doing them—today, tomorrow, who cares?
Today I will focus in the good things in my life—the love of my sons, and the positive aspects of my world.
Henry: Hold on to your FORK … the best is yet to come.
Peace.
Dear Matt,
The article about how to interview a therapist is a GREAT resource and even if there is no one on the list (yet) in your area then you can use that. I think that list is AWESOME and you can take a copy in with you on the first visit.
A high level of stress (scoring over 300) means that you need to keep CHANGES (voluntary ones) to a MINIMUM, and also I would suggest that you take up some sort of self relaxation or meditaion therapy as well. A massage also may be cheaper and better for you than a trip to a therapist you can’t relate to or can’t relate to you. Good for you for standing up to that jerk!
BTW I had an attorney bill me once for the time to figure up my bill….what goes round comes round! LOL Wanna hear some attorney jokes? Well, guess not! LOL ROTFLMAO
I a so glad that I was able to retire when all this chaos came up in my life, I can tell you there is NO WAY I could have continued to work, even 2 days a week, and stil kept my head on. Actually I was NOT SAFE to work, my short term memory problems were causing me some serious disability as far as my working was concerned. I lost 3/4 of my income by retiring early but it was worth it. There are lots of things MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY. I just thank God that I ahve enough to live frugally on at this time, with the prospect of more later, God willing. But living in a tent, eating out of a dumpster would have been preferable to how I was living in chaos and pain.
You just have to set some priorities and some of them are things you would never have thought about. My “life style” has changed as far as disposable income, but I still have more than enough, ALL of what I need and most of what I want, and the things I “gave up” are not really that important in the big scheme of things.
Just like with the possessions I am divesting myself of, I realize the more you have the more you are responsible for and have to care for. Smaller is better in so many ways. Less is MORE. During the months I lived in the RV with just the BASIC necessities I found that I liked living like that. I didn’t have much in there except what I needed every day. I had a few tubs of off season clothes and nothing else. No brick a brack, just what I USED. Life was good and I had time TIME to contemplate my naval, time to think, heal.
My son C (the one whose wife was PD and tried to kill him) just came home from where he had lived the year and a half after her arrest. He has more serious PTSD than I thought, and though he is making good progress, we’re getting him in for some PTSD therapy and though he has not not had a job since he was 15, and went right to work after he moved to Texas, I have encouraged him NOT to seek employment for some time yet. He heeds “down time” with low stress in which to just contemplate his navel and de-stress and decompress.
Since he has been here 2 months just helping his brother on the farm with chores and organization of the metal shop, I can see that his hypervigilence has decreased. He is sleeping better, lost 15 pounds though still eating like a horse (my cooking had to double what I cooked for his brother and me alone) He is laughing, enjoying being home and with me. We spend half the day talking and joking and hugging. Just being here on the farm and with the animals and a post hole digger has been good for his soul. He’s about gone through the money he had saved, but he’s not worried, we have a roof over our heads, a warm place to sleep, plenty of good home cooking and PEACE AND CALM.
Our county is booming right now with the natural gas drilling going on and jobs are very plentiful andhe could go to work tomorrow but I think it is much more important for him to work on himself than to go to work. He has such a work ethic that I think he feels a bit “lazy” or “guilty” about not going to work right away, but at the same time, he agrees that it is best for him to take some time and I don’t mind feeding him for as long as it takes. He more than “pays” his way around here from washing the dishes and housework to repairs on things, and other stuff, but it is NO STRESS WORK. Done at his pace when he feels like it. No push, no rush, no stress to get a certain amount done by X date or time.
I’ve been a work-a-holic my entire life I think, depriving myself of enough rest and recreation, and I am no longer doing that….we keep calendar time not clock time. Sleep when we are sleepy, eat when we are hungry, and work when we want to. That priviledge of our own time is a great blessing from God.
I also think that the “P-experience” is a good time for us to take stock and inventory of what it really is that we TRULY want in life. Take stock of what of our “dreams” are really possible, or even still desirable. Sometimes I think we have a good opportunity to change directions and focus if we want to.
I’m at that age (62) and retiring, so this has been a good time for me take stock of where I will go with what remains of my life and health. I realize that some of the aspriations I have had are no realistic any longer…I had hoped to make the farm into a sanctuary/shelter for women and children coming out of abusive relationships who needed longer term residence to recover and heal than the traditional shelter offers. With my mother funneling money to my convict son, this won’t be possible as the farm may after her death become unsafe due to my son, and him haviing the money to hire his “convict friends” to come here, so we will have to sell the farm and move elsewhere when my mother passes away (probably not too many months or years) and my P-son inherits significant money from her, which makes him more dangerous than without the money. That was a decision that a couple of years ago would have devestated me. This land was SACRED to me, but now, it isn’t…it is just a piece of real estate. We’ll sell it and move to a place that is safe and then we will be able to move on with our lives. With the land being held in an irrevokable trust, I can’t sell it until she passes on, then I can. So if I live longer than she does those are our plans. If I don’t, the boys can’t sell the land, but they can rent or lease it out and move. (unfortunately, P-son will get half the net rental payments.)
This whole thing though, all the pain and chaos have made me see that WHAT I HAVE is not important, but WHO I AM, and WHO LOVES ME and WHOM I LOVE. That is ALL that matters, the rest is just stuff. FLUFF! Our true heritage is the good that we do in this world to pay rent on the space we occupy. (I can’t remember who said that—CRS)
Take some time to look at your own life, your life style, and what it is that you REALLY want to do if you had every option open in the world—then go for it! Go for the gusto!
I am always on the lookout for ways to deal with my stress level and other emotional issues. I have just recently started reading a book by Daniel G. Amen M.D. The book is called “Change your brain Change your life. The author of this book explain how he become interested in SPECT (single photon emission computed tomography) and learning how the brain reacts to the many aspects of our daily life. Because the book deals with studying the brain and it’s many different parts of the brain I am reading it very slowly to get as much information as possible from it to learn to better deal with the inner working of my own brain and how much (lifestyle stress thought processing eating habits etc) I contribute to it and how better to assist it in working even better in a more positive way for me. I am hoping to found new skills and knowledge to better under myself and how much what I do affect this part of me as a person.
Thanks Ox drover for your insight and wisdom on this very important subject..
Ox-D: Thanks for the link to the stress test. I scored 584, but I cheated and didn’t include some things, and there are other highly stressful events that just aren’t on the list: the shock of realizing all 18 months had been a calculated con and this man was dangerous, the loss of all my property, the suspicion and disdain I got from the legal system, betrayal by other so-called friends, etc., etc.
Thank you for reminding me of Viktor Frankl. I’m still alive, and not behind a fence.
But, how to repair the damage? In this lifetime? I’d like some shortcuts.
James: Daniel Amen makes an important statement when he says we can change our brains! He offers some suggestions, but his work also overlaps the area of neurofeedback or “brain training.” He also has his critics. Keep reading! Jim Robbins has written on neurofeedback in “A Symphony in the Brain.”
In “The Open Focus Brain,” Jim Robbins collaborated with Les Fehmi, who is a psychologist and researcher who has worked on helping people find the “alpha” brainwave state which reflects a relaxed state. I found the companion CD (included in the book) to be a very helpful guide to a very relaxing meditation that works even for non-meditators.
It is amazing how much we accustom ourselves to HIGH stress on a daily (hourly?) basis and see it as “normal.” Which, of course it is NOT.
Rune, After my divorce in 1980 I scored 1500 in a 1 yr period! LOL Yep, I got sick. What I do for stresses that are not on the list is to look at a comparative score for any similar BIG thing. Plus, since the scores are only for YOU, you can make your “divorce=200” instead of 100 if it was particularly bad, etc. as a SELF ASSESSMENT tool, I think the test is a great way to “keep score” on how you are doing. If you have a “melt down” that lasts several days, add a few points. That way you kind of have a “running score” on how you are doing.
Rune, I don’t think there are any “short cuts” to repairing the damage. I think it takes CALM, PEACE AND TIME.
The Daniel Amen books sounds very interesting. I am sort of a book-a-holic too! LOL I’ll have to see what Amazon has it for! One day my house will fall down with the weight of my books! I do believe meditation helps in any form as long as it calms you. Good nutrition and rest are very important as well. Laughter and recreation for body, mind and spirit are also important.
The amazing discoveries of medical science now and in the fields of mental health and brain activity, body responses to stress etc. are SOOO interesting. I used to blog with a woman on another blog about scientific stuff concerning the brain. I am not sure what her specialty was, but she was soooo informed and interesting to blog with. I love the stuff Liane does here like on the bonding hormone studies with sheep she did an article on here about. I wish I could be around in 100 years to see what they have discovered about Ps and if there is some chemical control or cure. Wouldn’t it be great!!??!!
In the meantime we have to muddle through as best we can, but I have seen so much optimism and growth in the group here now that I am so excited for everyone in the progress we are making….a few stumbles here and there, like I had the other day, but even from that I LEARNED some things and refreshed some prior learning! You guys are all so intelligent and interesting!! I wish we could have a big convention and all spend a week together! Wouldn’t that be wonderful, talking and hugging and laughing and crying together! EVen sitting around a camp fire at night eating weenies and baked beans and singing Cum-by-ya!
Ox-D: You mean the “Over the Rainbow LF Family gathering”?
Hey, Rune, you are getting up there with Aloha now! That’s a great one. You know I think this is one of the most CREATIVE groups!!! What a wonderful gathering! Yes, the OVER THE RAINBOW LF FAMILY GATHERING!!!! A family reunion for your soul sisters and brothers you’ve never met, but love entirely!!! I’ll be there, in fact, we’ll have it here on the farm!!! We’ll go for wagon rides with the jack asses pulling their weight (for once) an the only jack asses here will have FOUR LEGS EACH!!! We’ll sing around the camp fire and drink cheap wine and tell stories to top each others’ stories, and laugh and laugh and laugh!!!
Oxy,
Be very, very careful to what your offering. I got me a truly generous and unexpected money gift from my beloved Mother this Christmas.
I have repeatedly told her..”I’m fine in the financial dept. I have simple needs and wants.”
My grand luxuries are books (most come from the library but I still order online sometimes), music cds (on sale!), and chocolate. What more could a lass ask for?
She snuck the damn certified check to me in the mail. It would only hurt her feelings if I sent it back to her. Don’t want that to happen.
It’s now in my savings, sitting there all fat and sassy, in case of emergencies.
Or….an impromtu visit to your farm in Arkansas!…haha.
I’ll bring the ambrosia….
😀
Ox-D: I’m laughing already. This is good.
This morning I got a call from a business associate who asked, in the way of common courtesy, “How are you?” My throat filled, tears started to roll, and I couldn’t answer. Yes, the stress overload is getting to me. I got over that. Got some work done, and now . . . thank you . . . I’m laughing.
As long as we can keep going, . . . we never know what good the next hour might bring.