You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
What an article – STEVE !!!!!!!!
I am just blown away this morning……..
So many times I had asked myself why nothing changed , maybe we just couldn’t communicate – maybe I didn’t explain myself right, maybe I hadn’t used the write words to get my point across – always wondering why things happened repeatedly – NO PERMANENT CHANGE .
I FAILED TO SEE THE PATTERN …….I did just what you said.
I kept most incidents apart from each other and did not look at them as a WHOLE of his behavior .
This mechanism, as you say, ALONG with his intermittent crumbs of good behavior was a perfect formula to keep me from feeling like I was a total pushover.
I did defend myself, I did argue , I didn’t always ignore the disappointment and hurt – but I let each one go separately –
and if I mentioned the fact that it was just more crap on top of more crap – well , he would accuse me of being unforgiving and always bringing up the past.
So I didn’t – and admittedly didn’t want to – look at the BIG PICTURE , instead of the LITTLE SNAPSHOTS of abuse.
You’ve added yet another piece to my puzzle – BRILLIANTLY !!
You never fail to dig deeper into our hearts, minds and spirits , Steve – You just keep moving that healing process along – always lighting the way with your own compassionate soul and amazing articles that keep us wanting to know more!!!!
Steve,
YOU GOT ME PEGGED! Thanks for clarifying this, I think it described the “former me” to a TEE!
It is so easy to minimize and trivalize and “put in the past” all those brushfires, but in the end, enough of them char the landscape into nothing but ASHES and WASTE.
This is one of the most helpful articles and one of those “ah ha!” moments for me, Steve, thank you. GREAT ANALOGY!
“The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation. ”
Brilliant Article. I couldn’t agree more.
I was raised to settle disagreements with people by sticking to the topic at hand and avoiding remarks like:
“You always…”
“Yiou never…”
and “Last week/month/year/yesterday you… … and now you have the nerve…!
By sticking to the matter being disputed, and seeking to de-escalate arguments quickly, I’ve enjoyed very good relationships with countless people. Some of these people have been considered by others to be difficult or even emotionally ill. These people’s supposed problems have seemed insignificant to me. I get along with almost everyone.
The exceptions have been with the tiny handful of cluster B personalities I’ve encountered. The very conflict resolution skills that work with healthy people have backfired with these disordered people.
With these people, by ignoring that
“They always…”
“They never…”
and “Last week/month/year/yesterday they… … and now they have the nerve…!
I’ve failed to address the real matter. In any dispute with these people, the real matter to be resolved was not the apparent topic of our current conflict. It was the underlying pattern of a series of apparently unrelated incidents.
Only when I came to the “intollerant” position that “There’s always some Mickey-Mouse drama with you – Isn’t there!?!” was I able to walk away without feeling hopelessly guilty.
“You always…”
“Yiou never…”
and “Last week/month/year/yesterday you… … and now you have the nerve…!
IS the point with a cluster B.
Dear EC,
As always, you have such wise comments, you are right in saying “you always, you never, …” because that is exactly what it is, they DO NOT CHANGE they REPEAT the same DRAMA over and over, but they do NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE PATTERN….
It brings me again, back to the phrase my egg donor said aloud, ,”Let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over” NO! NO!! A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!
Let’s just admit there is a PATTERN HERE and it has NOT changed, it is the SAME and I wont’ play any more!
Oh, how this article resonates with me, clear to the core. I can look back at every UN successful relationship I have ever had and THERE IT IS!
Like you, I try to stick to the NOW when settling disagreements with people and avoid the ALWAYS and NEVER statements, but I have learned NOW that the BIG PICTURE, THE PATTERN is the most important thing….if it REPEATS and REPEATS, the “always” and “nevers” need to be explored in more depth and if that doesn’t work—WALK AWAY FROM SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE A PATTERN.
Newlife, what can I say to you? I’ll hedge my bets that you inspire me much more than I inspire you! And I know you know that I mean that.
Oxy, as always….thanks for your unfailingly generous and astute feedback!!
Elizabeth, wonderful post…wonderful distinctions you make in your post. Tremendous insights!
Steve
As stated above in the article, I think the behavior of disordered individuals is sort of like a syndrome. I mean it’s not just one thing about them. It’s usually the SUM of their behaviors over time that reveals what they truly are.
It starts with a whisper (too faint to hear)…..then, a tap on the shoulder (you shrug it off)……then, a pebble falls on your head (you kick the pebble away)…….then, a rock hits you in the face (you put ice on it)…..the next thing you know, the entire mountainside is coming down on you.
We all want to believe the best in people, but I think we also need to believe those red flags when they are waving in front of us.
One thing my life experiences have taught me is to really be AWARE of the people around me, and the people I meet.
I just try to listen VERY CAREFULLY to what they say, and how they say it.
And, of course, their actions have to match up.
In women’s self-defense classes, they tell us to be aware of our surroundings. I think that is a good rule for ALL of us to use in order to protect ourselves.
Wow. Excellent article Steve. This is exactly what happened to me. I can’t tell you how good it feels to sit here and read this and go “YES!…YES!…YES!” to all of your examples. It’s like a balm to my soul….very affirming and healing.
Many of the things you wrote about make me think of another thing that you touched upon. My ex sociopath was a master at turning around relationship psychology and counseling techniques. In hindsight, I can see that this is the WORST thing with his type. He would use it against me time and again.
Perhaps even worse than that is getting into relationship counseling with an evil player like him. He will seduce the counselor in the first session and hook her with his FAKE tears, FAKE caring, FAKE meekness, Oh so sad story, and FAKE desire to make it work for both of you. He will have her eating out of his hand with his ACT! What he REALLY wants is back-up in his fun house mirror world of reality so he can HAVE HIS WAY and it WILL be used to disgusting effect. That’s what happened to me. All I can say is that I am so glad that some part of me, however muffled at the time, knew that and was revolted by it. It took me a while, and it got way worse with him first, but now I can see just how he manipulated everything.
“Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.”
This is brilliant and so true. The thing of it is that, I DID recognize this. I DID see the pattern. But, by the time it was an ingrained pattern that I recognized, I was so beaten down, spiritually, energy-wise and psychologically that I had very little reserve to THINK clearly for any extended period of time. THAT is a problem for sure. Because, as you say, I was good at confronting the abuse when it was happening. The problem happens after the fact. Exhaustion sets in. His histrionic, blaming, paranoid tirades went on for hours (I started timing them at the end….6 to 8 hours on average…and usually through the night). I became a zombie.
He would normal relationship advice against me when I tried to get some sanity by going into another bedroom, saying I needed some space and time. He’d block me and barge in continuing with his rants, never leaving me alone saying I was detaching and disconnected and I was the problem and we needed to solve my problem and my issues with intimacy and trust.
This from a guy who cheated on every single woman he’s been with; can barely open his mouth without lying; never met a promise he didn’t break and had absolutely ZERO empathy. Fear and anger are the only two emotions he truly knows.
I have a the problem????? Yeah right.
But, that’s how it’s turned around. Because my OWN recognition that I am not perfect and my own desire to make things right and believe the best is triggered. The way that normal counseling practices were turned on me by accusing me of not trusting and forgiving is astounding and creepy. It’s definitely something to look out for.
“The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation. ”
Yup. Precisely.
What bothers me and what I have to get over in my recovery and forgive myself for (not beat myself up over anymore), and learn from, is that in my gut, I felt that. I felt a part of me die every time that happened.
Why was I taken in again by his reframing? I believed HIS fractured, reframing view of reality and not what I knew somewhere in my ever-dwindling soul to be true.
Steve
major food for thought. I would add another component and that is THE FEAR that underlies the kind of ‘denial’ you describe
I can only speak for myself as I’m not so sure it would be the same for all. But at one point, I was so “invested” in this “relationship” with the P the biggest threat was to actually connect the dots. In some imbalance, staying with the delusion was preferable to losing it. It was a horrible process of repeated cruelty and even though I stood up to him admirably (It felt even good to spend time trying to help him see what he was doing…almost easier than not having the drama, I liked it because I felt strong)
eventually like a drop eroding stone over time I realised I was being Robbed of money, lied to and cheated on even though he denied any of these facts.
He enjoyed the spectacle of me PROVING what he was doing. He didn’t care one way or the other. He was finished with me if I saw through the scam, and biding his time while he played with me on his hook…It was truly horrible, chilling dawning that he didn’t love me (even though he said the words every day) that it was all a very energetic act that he was getting tired of keeping up especially as I was finally understanding what was happening.
I would compare it to a child seeing Santa Claus and running over with a big smile to hug him, thrilled and delighted to see him. Sitting cosy on his knee chatting away, with a smile on his face, Santa bends her arm behind her back slowly until she cries in pain….sorry but that’s what it felt like, it would be so hard believing what was actually happening because Santa loves children and he would never hurt one he loved….maybe I’m imagining what he is doing, maybe I did something wrong, maybe Santa is a psychopath…..ah yes they never told me about that possibility!
I also believe that one of the best ways to protect myself from predatory personalities is to identify those aspects within MYSELF that makes me vulnerable to these toxic individuals.
It has already been discussed to infinity on this site, because it is SO CRUCIAL.
That means doing some work on OURSELVES.
I’ve also learned that NOT everyone in my life really wants to do that. (Good to know)
But, I really believe that if you are able to identify those qualities that the SPN was able to exploit, you can transform those same qualities from a “weakness” to a STRENGTH for yourself when dealing with predators.
For example, as a child, I was raised to LISTEN to the adults and put others first. I was disciplined everytime I failed to do these things.
I believe these are a few of the qualities that made me vulnerable to predatory individuals.
Even today, I still want to put others first, and I am still a great listener.
But, these days, with all of my life experiences, and everything I’ve learned about personality disorders, I have shifted those qualities from being my “weakness” to being a source of STRENGTH for myself when I encounter questionable individuals.
I still LISTEN to people. But, now I listen for different things.
Instead of just listening out of consideration, or getting to know someone better, I am also listening for CONTRADITION, CONTEMPTUOUS STATEMENTS, LIES, & DOUBLE TALK.
I still put other people first, just in a little different context. Now, I let others reveal themselves to me, before I open up too much to them.
I’m the same person I always was. I’m just a little more educated and aware of the world around me, and the people in it.
I could be in a rotten mood every day because of my current family situation, but I have learned that you can find laughter & joy no matter where you are on your path.
I REFUSE to let a few encounters with disordered individuals jade me for life.
Because, when it comes right down to it, our experiences with these types of predators is really just life experiences.
As devastating as it is, I really believe that we all have the ability to HEAL, and move forward onto a better, happier, and healthier life.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, the human spirit is resilient!!!
Excellent article.. triggers more awareness..
how we brush things aside thinking that we are being too sensitive .. when they are revealing who they are…in so many ways…
I think when I look back it’s becasue I didn’t want to see.. I wanted to believe the dream….
and they are so good at throwing you off track… making you doubt what you know..
which goes back to the gut…. your gut … you know how you feel..
and a post above that stated to listen clearly to what is being said not what you want to hear but what is realy being said…