You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
May the bluebird of Happiness crap all over their Birthday cakes!
Love, Gem.XX
{The spaths birthday cakes that is!}
then take a slide down the nose bidet.
hi gem, must be morning where you are! well it is here, too, but the beter get my butt to bed time of the morning.
I’m with ya ….
Goodnight ya’ll……
from Holly and her mamma!!!
Oxy: they broke the mold when they made you! 🙂 What a sense of humor!!!
That is so funny! My dad would have laughed and laughed over that….he had a big nose too…Irishman.
You are right–I boinked myself plenty…..believe me! It’s just soooo hard when it’s your own cubs….the ones nature taught you to protect with your life…..:(
But, once again David is our Biblical example: with his son Absalom. No wonder God included all these things in the Bible…so we would have examples to turn/relate to.
Thanks, Ox….
Dear TB,
Welll, for what it is worth, I too have LOST ANOTHER SON, my son C (the one who was married to the DIL that tried to kill him) He had gone out of state after that incident and stayed about 18 months, he came home just over a year ago at the first of November last year, and jumpy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers with the PTSD.
He’s always been a hard working man, and not mean at all. He was ADHD from before he was born, but still managed to finish college, get a job, stick with the same job 9 years, and be pretty responsible.
However, he is ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES. When he came back here, the rules were what they have always been. 1/3 of your pay for your expenses, 1/3 to me for room and board, and 1/3 to savings for REAL EMERGENCIES like major car repairs, buying a car, or losing your job through no fault of your own, ,medical expenses or TRUE “RAINY DAYS” fund.
Well, he has always played a lot of video games, but doesn’t watch TV and had been over all “cheerful and helpful” around here and helped out around the house with a good attitude, been pleasant and so on.
HOWEVER, last night I caught him RED HANDED LYING TO ME. Ok, we “all lie” from time to time, but I started LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE, THE LIFE LONG PATTERN. My son is as addicted to video games as an alcoholic (a non-P alcoholic) who lets his addiction ruin his finances and life because he spends every dime on them, and then when emergencies happen, there is nothing to fall back on. In the past, i realized that though I have had restrictions on my “help” that I just didn’t buy him a new car or give him a place to live rent free etc EVERY TIME HIS LIFE FELL APART BECAUSE HE PUT HIS ADDICTION AHEAD OF GOOD SENSE (which it will ALWAYS DO, I don’t have to be a prophet to predict that!) he would do fine for a while, like an alcoholic attending daily AA meetings and not drinkinig then all of a sudden the guy goes out and buys a bottle of vodka and starts secretly drinking. Then starts lying and eating breath mints to cover it up.
Well, I realized that my son C had been lying to me for weeks about his “savings” and that it was spent on computers and video games. He had been hiding them from me until last night.
I confronted him about it, and said “why have you not done what you said you would do and keep 1/3 of your pay in a rainy day fund, and instead spent some/most/all(?) of it on video games. He had been paying me off monthly also for a vehicle he bought from me when he got home, he had sold his other vehicle. Instead of paying me off entirely which he could more than have done with the money he spent on the computers, he spent it secretly on computers and more computers.
When I tried to talk to him about it, he went into a frenzy of “I can’t talk about it, you are attacking me, get out of my room, I can’t even think.” yea, he couldn’t think, couldn’t think of another lie to tell me to cover up his addiction, his computer-“vodka” cause he had been forgetful enough to bring it home instead of keeping it at his buddy’s house.
I walked out of the room and went to bed, and said as I left, “Yes, I will leave this room for now, but it is in my house, and you know the rules, you will also leave.”
When I got up this morning, he had loaded up about 1/2 or more of his stuff (he woke his brother up out of a dead sleep at 5:30 a.m. to tell him he was leaving) and I am sure he must have loaded stuff all night and not slept at all.
I called his voice message and left a message that he had until dark tonight to come here and bring the truck, and eithe rpay me the balance in full and get the title, or to leave the truck until he could pay the balance, and that I was going to cancel the insurance which was in my name (I got a really good rate on a multi-vehicle discount and had left the vehicle in my name until he had paid it off in full–good choice, Oxy!) and I told his voice mail that his phone sim card, which is on our discounted family plan should also be returned and his debit card on my account—he had never abused that and I didn’t think he would, he isn’t going to steal from me.
When he called back in respnose to my voice mail, I let his brother answer the call and he said that he would be here by dark and that he “understood’ and said he would pay off the balance in cash today. He had also left his keys to the house and farm (the rest of the locks are all combination ones that are easily changed and WILL BE CHANGED) He told his brother that my request was reasonable and he would comply and get his stuff this evening and pay me off.
I have spent the day squawling and bawling and going through emotional trauma to the point my eyes are swollen nearly shut, my head is pounding and my stomach feels like I swallowed a cuckle-burr the size of a bowling ball.
My other son and I have spent most of the day talking, clutching each other and crying, or alternately consoling each other, D is as devestated as I am and even more suprised than I was. I had been seeing a few “small red flags” that I thought were “smalll lies” or “something going on” but nothing I could PIN DOWN, just my gut. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FOLKS! You may not be able for a while to PIN DOWN what is going on but our instinctive feelings are VALID 99.9% of the time, even if we tend to be “paranoid” because of other people using and abusing us.
Looking back over my son’s life, I realize NOW that though I have never given him things without consequences or restrictions or “bailed him out” per se, none the less, I have been a PART OF ENABLING HIM, and though he is NOT a psychopath, he has a definite conscience, unlike his P brother, and FEELS REALLY guilty, he is like an alcoholic with booze, only his addiction is to VIDEO GAMES and he will sacrifice ANYTHING to get his next and continual fix.
I have ordered and read MaryJo Buttafuco’s book, and in it she talks about when Joey was arrested for insurance fraud in california and his body shop went belly up, that her son Paul was spiraling down hill because he worked with his father and had started using drugs etc.
Stu, MaryJo’s live in BF had a business and was a kind man, and offered to give her son a job and to give him a place to live with them, but MaryJo said “No, he has to work this out for himself we can’t enable him.” the boy couch surfed for a while and eventually got himself together from the bottom up and at the end of the book, was doing well, and maryJo justly patted herself on the back for NOT enabling him or bailing him out of the situation.
Her son was a 20-21 year old boy, and my son is a 40 year old man, not a bad man, he has 2 good sides of the “triangle” that we all try to each our kids, the ability to love, a moral compass, and impulse control, but he does NOT have the impulse control and he allows it to make him set aside his moral compass and to NOT face the responsibility of his failure to honor what he knows is a committment, and when he is confronted with it, he refuses to talk about it and wants to play our family game of “let’s pretend none of this happened.”
I can’t play that game any more, and though it grieves me to the core of my being to go NO CONTACT with my beloved son, the second I have had to go NO CONTACT With, and I have, unfortunately no more hope for this son than I do for the Pson to change his ways unless he wakes up to the fact that HE AND ONLY HE CAN RESCUE HIMSELF FROM HIS LACK OF IMPULSE CONTROL. I don’t see him doing this since he does not view “video games addiction” as the same as alcohol addition or drug addiction etc. He sees it as a harmless past time, even though he is willing to give up his family and his home for his computers and games. He has now lost his mother, his only good brother, and his home and his inheritence (which could be considerable amounts of money from natural gas royalties after his grandmother dies) But it isn’t about the money or the land, it is about the LIES HE IS WILLING TO TELL.
I left him a letter, I am not sure he will read it, but I told him in the letter that I would have had SOME respect for him if he had said, “Look mom, I am an adult and I can choose to spend my money any way I choose, I make it, and I no longer choose to stay here with you and my brother, because i want to spend my money on computers and video games so I am leaving.” Instead, he chose to lie to me like some teenaged kid hiding condoms in his drawer, knowing that having sex at 15 isn’t “wise” but knowing that he feels the desire and he is going to do it no matter what, but is embarassed and ashamed of having been caught thinking about it.
As it is, I realize that like MaryJo B., I have got to be strong and stand by my convictions of doing what is RIGHT, no matter what. Being “brave” is NOT about not being fearful or tearful about what is happening, but it is being fearful, hurt, angry, sad, and devestated, and still DOING WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS.
Guys, please PRAY FOR ME, I SURE NEED IT RIGHT NOW. Thank you all for being who you are, for being the kind, supportive people that you are. I know that whatever happens there are many if not most of the people here will make 2010 a better year than 2009 has been. (((hugs) Love Oxy
OXY…..
Your hurting…..i’m sending you a big cuddle and love!
Okay….I am pondering what you wrote and the only thing that stands out to me…..is….
why do you feel you must go NC?
I might and probably am…..niave…..and here I am trying to think of ways to ‘fix’ this…..knowing damn well I can’t.
But…..your right…..
your house, your rules…..
and I would imagine…rule #1 is honesty.
I appreciate and agree you don’t want to enable….and maybe creating a distance is the first and best choice……
but….what if he moves and supports himself, honors his obligations to himself and world etc… w/o you……and wants an adult child to parent relationship with you……in a few months…..
Is this possible?
If he chooses to spend his money on ‘vodka’…..and your not offering him any ‘support’ or whatnot…..then is that something you have a right to ask him to stop?
How would it affect your relationship if he’s not in your home and doesn’t ask you for money or any kind of support?
I’m in a quandry with this thought…..
I we don’t enable, do we have a ‘right’ to request a change in behaviors….
How would his video addiction affect you and his relationship if he’s not in your home or reliant of you in any way?
I think,,,, the way you describe him…..it could be a situation of…….you needed to enforce your boundarie in your home…..and did……no matter what your age, this is my home and my rules……..don’t like it….adios……
I think you did the right thing……
I’m just wondering about the statement of ‘I’ve lost another son’….
Your in my heart OXY…..and WE WILL make 2010 an exceptional year.
XXOO
EB
Oxy,
I’ve been gone for awhile and just logged in to read your distress. I’m so sorry.
You are right to be concerned because of the LIES. No lie is ever a good thing and trying to lie your way out of ANYTHING is immature.
The video game addiction is bad but not something that can’t be overcome. Lots of people have addictions and crutches that they use to “numb” themselves because they aren’t dealing with something else they need to address. If he can somehow realize that this is what he is doing, then there is hope. Perhaps you or his brother can help him take this first step?
About the lies… I don’t know how to address that. It’s very distressing.
Gotta go. love and hugs to you.
I’m sorry, Oxy. Sending a hug. And another one. I can stomach computer addicts but not liars. How sad you must feel right now on NYE. 🙁 You did the right thing by not enabling him. I pray he will do the right thing and take responsibility.
Dear EB, Sky, and Star,
You are right, it isn’t like he is robbing banks or raping kids, but the thing is, HE KNOWS HOW DISTRESSING LIES ARE TO ME, and he knows that I will not tolerate LIARS. He has seen me cut my egg donor out of my life, not for anything else except the LIES, hell, HE CUT HER OFF NC FOR LYING, and then he turns around and does to me what she did to HIM?
If you go back through the ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE about the PATTERN, THE BIG PICTURE, you will see it is not about ONE lie, it is not about anything except that he has CHOSEN to lie to me, to disrespect the rules here and then lie about it.
If he had manned up to me and said, “Mom, I want to buy this computer and I know i promised you I would save 1/3 of my pay check, but I have decided I don’t want to do that any more so I am going to move out and get my own place or move in with a friend etc.” THAT WOULD have been FINE, I would have said “Son, I think you are making a mistake handling your finances this way and in the past when you handled them this way, you always ended up DESTITUTE and so on, etc. but I WOULD HAVE RESPECTED HIS CHOICE AND CONTINUED A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND LOVED HIM AND SENT HIM ON HIS WAY. However, WHEN (NOT IF) he became destitute again, I would have said, “Son, I’m sorry but you can’t move back home again because you chose to make decisions I advised you were bad, and sure enough, I was correct in this, so you are going to have to figure out how to bail yourself out without coming back home, I do wish you well though.”
Instead, he made a choice to BE DECEPTIVE, to LIE to me, to disrespect the AGREEMENT he made with me, to violate lthe agreement and then lie about it. THAT IS NOT RESPONSIBLE, that is not loving, that is not respectful, that is NOT grateful or good or honorable.
I cannot and I will not tolerate dishonest, ungrateful, disrecpectful, lying people in my life. I am no longer, and I mean NO LONGER going to tolerate anyone who lies to me to cover up a broken promise or to be deceitful. NO MATTER WHO IT IS.
A lie is a lie is a lie is a LIE. A deceitful person is a deceitful person, no matter who they are. IF THEY WILL LIE ABOUT ONE THING, THEY WILL LIE ABOUT TWO, OR THREE OR FOUR OR FOUR THOUSAND.
He KNEW THE BOUNDARIES, he knew what would happen if I caught him lying. PERIOD. sure, I love him, and probably will always love him, but I will not ever EVER let him back into my life until I SEE A PROLONGED CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR AND TRUE REPENTENCE AND REMORSE, not fake remorse when he is “down on his luck” couch surfing (even though he has always worked since he was 15) because of his addiction to high end technology and video games.
It is an addiction like dope or booze, and just as toxic—sure you have all seen OUR OWN ADDICTIONS to our Ps, and how we let it ruin our lives, our relationships with others, our finances, etc. etc. so what is the difference in him lying about not keeping the agreement he FREELY MADE with me about the rules in MY HOUSE and in exchange for the benefits he got from living here (like more money to put into savings and also into his pocked because 1/3 of his take home pay for Room and board, utilities, laundry, pet sitting services if he needed them, help working on his truck when it needed repairs, borrowing a vehicle from me or his brother if he needed one because his needed working on, being able to “pay off in installments” the vehicle he had which he bought from me because his X wife ruined his credit, and other “benefits” of living here like home cooked meals every night, miinimal house work, the quiet of the farm instead of livign in town (which he HATES) a place to shoot his guns, a place to reload his ammo, and his brother for company, his mom for company, to be back on the fire department here in the community, and so on.. Of course, there were also benefits the other way too. I loved having him home, and his brother and I could go places together because he was here to animal sit for us if we went somewhere, and the money he paid in R&B helped me out some too. Plus he was good company for his brother. so the benefits went both ways, but the BIG BUT is that I cannot have anyone in my “circle of trust” that I CANNOT TRUST. As much as I love my adult son, he KNEW that one, ONE LIE would put him outside that circle of trust, and he chose to do it, and then when I tried to talk to him about it, he watned to play the “let’s pretend none of this happened game” and I can’t play that guys, as much as I wish I could I CAN’T. It is too painful. I used to play it all the damn time.
For example, let’s say my son D’s biological sister (who ia a great gal and whom he loves) was visiting and I came out of the bathroom and SAW her with her hand in my purse shoving money into her pockets. In the PAST, I woudl adtually have PRETENDED NOT TO SEE HER DO IT, and NOT confronted it. “BECAUSE” I knew to tell my son D that his sister he loves is a thief, I would know it would hurt HIM and I woujld KEEP IT SECRET, I would pretend to her even that i didn’t SEE it.
NO MORE, I CAN’T DO IT…NOW I would do it gently but I would confront her, stand firm and tell her to get out of my house and never come back. No excuses, no “i’m sorry’s” and she would be OUT OF MY CIRCLE OF TRUST AND OUT OF MY HOUSE. I would tell D about it, and he could have a relationship with her or not as HE CHOSE, I would not try to force him to “choose” between us, but she would be OUT OF MY LIFE completely NC–again, unless we had a true apology and a CHANGE of behavior—and a complete airing of the “dirty linen” with the rest of the family, NO SECRETS and NO LIES and it would take a LONG time for her to regain ANY trust from me.
The thing about my son C though is that I doubt sincerely that he will ever make any EFFORT to regain my trust, he will want to PLAY THE PRETEND GAME and after some period of tiem, especially if the shop he works at closes and he loses his job (pretty likely actually as the owner is quite sick and old and when he dies or gets disabled more the shop will go under) and/or if my son’s truck which is high milage goes and he has no way to get to work and no one to borrow a vehicle from, then he is going to be financially destitute and no way to recoup, his friend and new room mate though he works, is actually so video addicted that he has more computers dollar wise than his house is worth and it is not a shack, and he probably has $1.85 in his bank account, so he isn’t able to “carry” my son as a dependent either. Without credit or a co-signer, my son can’t buy a good vehicle, and his roomie’s credit is so bad, his house is actually in his dad’s name for the mortgage.
So what is in a “relationship” with my son for ME? More lies? Bail him out again and when he gets to feelign “secure” again, he starts spending all his money on computers and games and then lies to me again? I NEED THIS WHY?
Sure, he isn’t a P but he is an ADDICT, just like a gambling addict blows all his mooney at the casinos, my son blows his on computers and games. What’s teh difference? it wrecks lives, especially HIS LIFE, not mine. sure, I hurt, because I love him, and I would HURT no matter why he was hurting, but especially since he has betrayed my trust, knowing what it would do to me emotionally. Sure, to an extent he DOES feel guilty, but he CHOSE the computers over his brother and me, over living here, over being honest to me, over respecting his AGREEMENT with me.
I can’t hack that. I would not say there is NO chance he will ever regain my trust, but I don’t think he will even try unless he wants something or needs something from me, and that’s a shame, because I DO love him, and I will forgive him, but TRUST HIM? Not likely. It’s a shame and I am truly sorry for him, and for myself and for his brother who loves him as well, but I have to be DONE with lies and liars, no matter who they are.
Thanks for the support guys, I love you so much and I hope we ALL have a better 2010, and I’m gonna try. I’m sure I will be in a blue funk for a while but I am a tough old bird and I’ll survive this too, tonight was a ‘blue moon” (actually not a blue color, but the name for SECOND FULL MOON in a month, which has only been 2 this year), but it truly is BLUE TO ME. (Hugs) and do keep me in your prayers I need them right now. Love Oxy