You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy — It’s obvious you’ve done a lot of thinking as well as made previous allowances with C. Now you’ve come to this place of tough love as a result of him displaying a pattern — lies, impulsivity, financial irresponsibility, breaking the agreements/rules established in your house, his deceit to support his video addiction, having double standards,etc.
Yes, all are good reasons for your stance. What I get from your last post is that you refuse to shield him from anymore consequences and believe he needs to face the fact of having an addiction that affects many aspects of his life.
You’ve done what you could and know you cannot make him get help. So you are simply letting go, but remain open if he decides to honestly deal with his issues. And for now at least, that means he’s out of your house and on his own.
I hope your son sees this as the opportunity it is for him to define what is important to him and grow on so many levels. My best wishes to him and you.
Star –
you said: ‘It doesn’t usually trouble me too much because usually I haven’t bonded closely with these people to begin with’
well, this is awesome! both parts of it. 🙂
is it possible to use this as a template to change the response to men you get close to – so that it is elymers and not crazy glue?
may we all develop our transferable skills in 2010!
Oxy, as always, your clarity is awe-inspiring.
I apologize if I seemed to be arguing with you or criticizing. You know what you’re doing.
My situation is different.
I wish you and him well.
Kathy
Stargazer, you said: “With men I get close to, though, I tend to be the opposite. I am more forgiving of things that should be red flags.”
A friend of mine once advised me to deal with the men in my life like I would a very good female friend — what am I willing to tolerate with either?
So maybe we have to detach from mental images of romance with a toxic ex to finally arrive at indifference, because fantasy can be a stumbling block.
One of my current male friends, whom I previously dated before we became platonic, did disappearing acts when we became friends-only (usually because he didn’t keep his cell phone paid up or other reason).
I was never really into him emotionally for husband potential — he was primarily a good male friend who I could talk to about many things. At first, I got mad at him when I couldn’t reach him by phone when I wanted to talk about something (we weren’t dating), but slowly found his disappearances uneventful.
The last time he re-appeared, he tried to act as if time had stood still and asked if we could date again. I had moved on to the new relationship with my N/S before I knew he was a N/S — and was really into the N/S. So it was so easy to say no to dating the male friend again.
To this day even with being out of the relationship with the N/S, when the male friend calls me, I still have a general feeling of indifference in that I got used to not having access to him when I wanted to talk. So when he calls me, I don’t feel obligated at all to talk — if I’m busy or simply don’t feel like talking. I’m not mad at him. I simply don’t have a need to do so. Before, I would have accommodated his calls to show how good a friend I was.
The male friend asked why I don’t return his calls sooner (and sometimes not at all), and I told him he trained me well to do it that way because of how he had been when he didn’t maintain a cell phone. I got used to not talking to him.
This is what I prayed for — the indifference — as I knew I wanted to leave my last ex, the N/S. My prayer is coming true in that my ex trained me to not want to talk to him much because of all the emotional abuse and non-sense I experienced, with too much work involved in trying to figure out what was real or a lie with him (his views, experiences, feelings). Too much work for no pay. LOL. No reinforcement.
Piaget and Pavlov were right — De-programming works!
HAPPY NEW YEAR RECOVERING!
About relationships and what we give and what we get being in balance.
interesting to mirror other’s treatment of us as a way to see what they and we are doing. a few years ago I when my hands were injured in a work related accident I was having some significant hassles with the workers insurance board here. I had a horror show of an adjudicator to deal with – I immediately wrote to her supervisor, requesting a new adjudicator, my file and his intervention. I spent hours and hours pouring over the file, refuting its claims point by point. I won that battle.
there was an emotional charge on this whole thing that left me madder than i had been in years. I swear there were a couple of days before I started my analysis of the report during which my brain smoked.
the health pursuits reading group, that i mentioned elsewhere here, had a an activist come in and do a drama workshop about dealing with doctors and institutions, etc. So, I played the adjudicator and someone else played me. I could barely get through the sh*t out of my mouth, that this woman said to me- I could NOT imagine saying this crap to ANYONE! It really helped me to see that IT WAS RIDICULOUS, and I unhooked emotionally.
I take some time/space but it just somehow feels terribly wrong to me to shut my kids from my life. I can see and have ditched my x hubs—- but my kids! I stopped and observed friends and their families etc….and they all have these types of difficult people/kids in their lives….all do. I have trouble just giving loved ones three strikes and they are out….
LoiseG:
I would like to address your court hearing Monday.
Most courts have an advocate of DV office in the building…..Most courts offer a ‘safe’ place to wait for the hearing, away from the main lobby and out of sight of ‘him’.
Call the court beforehand and ask the clerk what the process is to check in and be escorted to a private secure room.
I would be shocked if they do not honor this request, as securtiy it the whole reason you are there….
Usually, you check in with the clerk and they know you are there, alert the bailif of your whereabouts and the bailiff/sheriff will come retrieve you in your private area when your case is called…..they will escort you directly into the court room and remain in the court room to keep the peace.
If your court is small and don’t have an advocate……there WILL be a room you can wait in….DEMAND IT!!!!
If not….call the police and ask for a domestic escort.
(I really don’t think it will be an issue for you)
Please arrive at the courthouse about 1/2-45 min early….to ensure you don’t run into him in the building……this also get’s you settled in a room where you can calm down, breathe and use visualization to get through the anxiety and picture what you need to accomplich in court.
DO NOT RUSH YOURSELF ON MONDAY!
After the hearing, the bailiff/sheriff will escort him out of the court room……once he is gone, they will escort you back to the private room and wait there for at least 15 minutes…..in this time you will receive the extended order paperwork to sign and make sure you get a copy…..
When your ready to depart the building, request an escort to your vehicle.
On your way home, do not take the usual route.
The judge will ask you how long you wish the order to be extended for (it’s up to you to know how long you CAN ask for)…..If you feel your in danger, request the maximun…..mine was 1 year.
As you know, an order is NOT a golden fence around you…..but I viewed it as a ‘space’ gainer….and time to let him know he can’t ‘get to me’…emotionally, physically etc…..
When he violated the order….I reported it. Make police reports of ALL incidents….YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH!!!
He probably won’t be arrested for all voilations….but the point is…..YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW YOUR SERIOUS……and WILL REPORT IT!
It also creates a paper trail…..for a judge and the police….
If you get it extended for a year and feel you need another year extension, then your documetation will be proof enough to show a judge 1. that your serious….2. that you need this.
I believe the #1 best move on my part to ‘get away’ from the S……was to file for the TPO.
It removed me from the manipulateive, Ilove you’s, the I want us to work’s, the I’m sorrys…..and the abuse he wrathed on us all.
It has given me space to collect my thoughts….independant of his manipulations….and clarity to see the reality of the situation.
Don’t be afraid to look him in the eye….I believe you must go into court strong and firm. Be clear on what you want and don’t settle.
You will be given a chance to speak…..speak clearly, don’t over state situations, concentrate on abuse and fear and scary situations….and the only emotional side you must show is that you fear him and his actions. Separate out your emotions to only facts…..if you cry, make it short….and collect yourself…..but remain in control at all times.
Go in with a notebook of dates, incidents, police reports, photos, threats and what he did…bullet point them and paint a picture for the judge….you won’t have very long….so get straight to the point.
Now….after you speak, he will have a chance to speak….just listen, take notes and DO NOT SHOW ANY EMOTION, no rolling of eyes, shaking of head, no disagreement or agreement motions…..remember, just because he speaks lies, doesn’t mean the judge will beleive him……you will have NO indication from the judge that he/she is believing you or him…..until the judgement is handed down and the judge speaks….
After he speaks, the judge will ask you further questions….it is imperative you are in control……and consise….in your answers….do not ‘decorate’ the answers with irrelevant issues…..and ONLY answer the questions the judge asks.
Often times we are used to speaking with friends or family…..and when we tell them about a certain incident, we get a reaction from them of (usually) disgust…..raised eyebrows and animation and participation in conversation…..
YOUR NOT GONNA GET THIS FROM A JUDGE…so don’t expect it.
When I watch the DVD tape from my hearings, I see how I felt I wasn’t believed by the judge…..the reality was, when I told her ‘my story’…..she was just listening and taking notes and asking me questions…..not being my ‘friend’ and there was NO animation. This is their training.
In the end….upon ruling….she drilled the S! She stated “quite frankly Mr. S…..you hold NO credibility”
He stated the he CALMLY went over to my home to get somethng…..(key word – calmly)…….and the judge showed him pictures I presented of my front door kicked in and the damage showing nails and wood sticking out and broken in half etc…and a picture of my childs finger swollen from the door hitting it. She asked him if this is what he had done….he said YES…..(with excuses of how I made him do it) (btw….I wasn’t even at my home at that time)
She related his story of ‘calmly’ and said….MR. S…..this is NOT the property and physical damage caused by a CALM man.
So….wait until the ‘fat lady’ sings…..
Now….after the order is issued……reconnect with your life….
I have come to believe…..that we DON”T HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR OUR LIVES!!!!
I got to the point I wasn’t afraid to die….it was my way of ‘giving up the fear’ to live again…..I was tired of living with the anxiety and fear and my actions and precautions due to HIM…..
So…I set security in place….and I decieded to adopt my ‘fuck you’ attitude…..
I’m in control….NOT HIM!!!
It’s MY life……and YOU are NOT going to decide HOW i live it!
I will not live in fear….I WILL NOT!!!!
It’s what they want….and I’m going to rebel!
There are protections in place, and the reality is…..if he’s gonna kill me…..he’s gonna kill me!
That was very freeing to me…..empowering and strength building…..
It took me into my divorce and I have learned every step of the way……I feel and believe I am POWERFUL!!!!
Good luck on Monday….I’ll be sending you some MOJO….
Even though you may be terrified and anxious…..Court is NOT the time to let it out….(either is anytime your in his presence)
Just do whatever you can to be calm and in control….
NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT!!!!!
one_step_: Happy New Year to you as well.
Yes, it’s interesting to mirror others’ treatment of us. Your role play as adjudicator obviously helped you see objectively just how ridiculous what the woman had said to you was. I see how that would help get you unhooked emotionally from the anger you’d carried.
Yes, we need emotional release, especially non-sense others impose on us. My consciousness of this evolved as I saw how insidious “projecting” was in the workplace and world at large, where even average people assumed they could target others they perceived as “less than” — i.e., having little (political) power to affect their career, income or reputation.
I made a promise to myself that I would not take my conflicts with others out on an innocent person, and I was forced to develop a sense of personal power to cope with the craziness.
This has allowed me to reject societal stereotypes/hiearchies about who’s “more important” based on age, income, gender,race,etc. It would have been a catch-22 if I bought into it — my decency, values, education and professional accomplishments would make no difference whatsoever in my value, since I am a woman.
I carried this into my thinking about male/female relationships. During most of my 10 years with my son’s father, issues with him were directed to him, rather than overlapping in dealings with my child. When I did slip, I would apologize right away to my son and tell him he did not deserve my negative feelings because I was mad at his father.
That helped me stay conscious and carry this over into the public arena — it can be easy to be rude to waitresses and cashiers and janitors for no reason, but I decided to be aware of how polite I was in interacting. And, I even had to cut slack with authority figures whom I’d rebelled against when I first started learning about boundaries. They didn’t deserve disrespect or insubordination just because I was getting in touch with my family-of-origin stuff and rebelling as a young adult. LOL.
Over the years with all this consciousness work, I learned it can be taxing. That’s a big reason why men who don’t want to do their own thinking or put effort into a relationship are now a turn-off to me — it’s too much work. And I both blame and forgive myself for having ended up in a series of these relationships with me as a caretaker somehow. LOL
Kathy, some how I think I missed your post, my head is up my butt today, I’ll go look for it, I always need to hear several sides of an issue and I think that is good to point out different aspects, cause sometimes in our pain we blow things out of proportion and someone else who is NOT in pain can see the situation more clearly.
I HAVE thought about this lately and many times before, Recovering, and I THOUGHT I was “helping” and “giving an opportunity” to my son Clay rather than ENABLING him, and I was not, as the ARTICLE in this blog talks about DEALING WITH THE WHOLE PICTURE, THE WHOLE PATTERN because i think it was not a “substance” he is addicted to, I tried to “trivalize it” or “excuse it” or some how think it could more easily be overcome because it wasn’t a “substance.”
This time, ,when he started telling the “reasons about moving his money” he like many poor liars gave so MANY EXTRA DETAILS on why it was a reasonable thing to do and it actually sounded as poorly constructed as a 5-year old’s lies with all the “extra detail” in it that I couldn’t at that point PROVE was a lie (how could I tell him that his THOUGHTS didn’t make sense) LOL but then it did raise a little red flag of HE IS BEING DECEPTIVE, HIS STORY DOESN’T MAKE SENSE IN ACCORDANCE WITH HIS USUAL BEHAVIOR AND THOUGHTS IN THE PAST.
Then, when I saw the computer in his room and it was like I had hit him with an electric prod, he immediately became defensive about it, lied to me about how much he had paid for it (I found out FOR SURE later it was a lie, but I didn’t believe it when he told me because of the “bank account” story he had given me before that didn’t ADD UP as believeable.
I really think, and D and I have talked about it quite a bit today, that he was HAPPY HERE and WANTED to BE here, but he did NOT want to adhere to the rules of the house. I realize he is 40 years old and makes his own money and I have not given him a dime since he was 18, or bought him a vehicle and given it to him, or let him live here rent free, though he did live here cheaper than he could have had his own place, but it more than covered his room and board here with what he paid. It is NOT a prison, he has NEVER BEEN REQUIRED TO LIVE HERE, only to abide by the RULES of the house, which are 1/3 of your take home to the house, cover your expenses with 1/3 and 1/3 for a RAINY DAY FUND. If that is “unreasonable” he could have renegotiated it. When his truck had some major problems I didn’t say a word when he took the money out of his rainy day fund to buy the parts and he used my tools, my workshop etc to repair it and his brother helped him. A couple of days he drove my car to work while his was down, but he put replacement gas into my car for driving it. I thought that was fair.
He was buying the truck he drove from me, and making weekly payments on it because I wanted him to be able to pay the payments to me out of his 1/3 expense money, and not dig into his 1/3 savings money. I thought that was “reasonable” and I wanted him to be able to get his rainy day fund up as high as possible as quickly as possible because I knew the old truck I sold him was hgh mileage and wouldn’ tlast all that long with 80+ mmiles a day but since he wasn’t taking it cross country, worst case it would break down and we would have to go with a tow bar and bring it home and either fix it or junk it, and in the meantime it was pretty reliable and a cheap form of transportation. I left it in my name and on my cheap multi-car discounted liability policy which was only 25$ a month (he had been paying like $125 a month for about the same policy on a car in his name) and I added a line for $12-14 bucks to my “family” plan so he could have a cheap phone and plenty of talk time (he reimbursed me for the liability ins and the phone out of his expense money weekly)
He was usually reasonably cheerful and easy to get along with, and any time he was ‘cranky” I would confront him about that. I know PTSD can make a person cranky—from experience, so I cut him SOME SLACK BUT NOT A LOT, and would confront him about being pleasant and so on.
I finally got him to agree to take an Antidepressent and he was taking them willingly and regularly and his brother and I both thought we had seen some GREAT PROGRESS in his affect, he seemed happier and wanted to spend less time in his room and out doing things with us, though he still spent 2-3 hours a day on line or on the phone with his gaming buddies, but wasn’t cranky if I called him to supper in the middle of a game, or whatever, he would say, “Well, guys I have to go” and then come on to dinner or whatever was going on.
I think his recent purchase of this computer from his gaming buddy who has the tens of thousands of dollars in computer equipment in his otherwise almost empty nice house is a poor influence on my son. They have been friends for years and this guy works, pays his bills, but spends every other dollar on upgrading to the lastes tand biggest and “best” equipment and seeing all that and “wanting to keep up with the boys” is part of his temptation. He also doesn’t see it as an addiction, and it overcomes the teaching he has had about living within your means, saving for emergencies, and so on.
Since he has been home we have had CONVERSATIONS (not lectures from me) about saving money, and the poor economy, and poor job opportunities in his field. The only jobs available at ALL in this area for machinists are in shops doing natural gas drilling work, and he is working for a company (run by an old, very sick alcoholic who literally drinks himself comatose at work on a daily basis and has bad heart problems and COPD) is barely keeping afloat and when the man dies (any day could be a real possibility) my son may not have a job and unemployment is NOT enough for him to live in an independent establishment at all. He can only rent a room in someone else’s house the way things are now.
I, like any parent, wants to see their child grow up to a responsible, reasonable adult person. My son though not a psychopath, has obviously got a PROBLEM, and the things I have done to help him with this problem (giving him opportunity after opportunity after another opportunity since he was 18 to change his behavior on a permanent basis, have FAILED, so….what CAN I DO?
If I step aside, push the boundary back and let him fail to keep his committment to me and to spend his money in the agreed upon way, I am enabling him to take advantage of an OPPORTUNITY TO HELP HIMSELF, to further his addiction. It would be like housing a drunk so they can have more money for booze.
By tossing him out on his ear for the lies and failure to keep his agreement, I am DEPRIVING him of money for his addiction, and he will (not if but will) reach a level of financial destitution before long, I don’t need a crystal ball to see that. It hurts me to know that, it hurts me to think he has NOT really learned any impulse control and gives in to his addiction. Funny thing is, he could game play with the two big high tech computers he HAD.
His failure to man up and even talk to me about it indicates that he is not sorry he broke his agreement, not sorry or repentent at all, more concerned about feeding his addiction than he is the relationship with me and his brother and isn’t willing to address HIS PROBLEMS. It is NOT my problem. I don’t think and his brother doesn’t think that my boundaries are inappropriate. My son is an adult and he makes his money, is responsible for paying his way, and takes the consequences of his decisions. I am NOT responsible for providing him a low cost housing solution if he does not follow the rules. He was here because he WANTED to be, knew what the rules were and still are, but doesn’t respect them or me.
If he had wanted his “own establishment” instead of a room inside my house, he could have moved into the very large and nice RV I have that is as big as most “moble homes” and twice as nice and parked at a distance from my house.
Other than just common couretesy of telling someone when you were leaving the farm which we all did, I never made any restrictions on when or where he went or asked why. The guys are more restrictive with me and want to know where I am going, when I will return and do I want a body guard, than I am about them. LOL
I know all these things and still it HURTS, and I MISS HIM. There was a time when the P-X-DIL had distanced him from me and the rest of the family that I had actually given up “hope” of every having a relationship with him other than just a VERY superfiscial one, and after she tried to kill him, it was like MY SON WAS RESTORED TO ME, since August 2007, when she and the Trojan Horse were arrested, and he put his arms around my neck and said “Mom I am so soooo sorry for the way I treated you, you are a PROPHET, I should have listened to you” I knew he was absolutely sincere and I restored my trust in him 110% right on the spot, and I honoestly don’t thinnk he has lied to me since until recently, BUT NOW that the PATTERN OF REPEATED BEHAVIOR, of ADDICTIVE behavior has started, I can SEE that it isn’t going to stop and he is NOT going to recognize it or change his behavior and it will repeat the first 10 eyars of his addictive behavior over and over and over again.
He must hit bottom (again) financially and have no options before he can look up. I am sure he will hit bottom (he always does) but not sure that he will look up or get help, I actually think he will just stay there, and actually, I think there have been times when he hit bottom that he was pretty close to suicide or just giving up completely.
He has so many good characteristics and he is NOT a P. My other son D said, “You know it is harder because he is not like the P-son, I would find it easier if he were a P.” I feel that way too, at least if he were a P I would have NO home instead of ALMOST no hope. If that makes any sense at all.
Kathy, I know our situations with our sons are “different” and my situation with C is different from the one with P-son, and in a way I am glad C is not a P, at least he is not hurting anyone except himself and those that hurt to see anyone we love self-destruct with an addiction, but it is only when we RECOGNIZE that we can truly NOT help them, they must hellp themselves. I will always have that little bit of home and disappointment that I couldn’t help him, but I know I did DO THE BEST I COULD, but that dosn’t keep it from hurting so freaking bad I feel ike I will melt if I cray any more, that my life will run out through my tear ducts and gosh how UGLY OLD WOMEN LOOK WITH TEAR STAINED AND SWOLLEN FACES, I don’t dare look in the mirror, I haven’t changed clothes in 2 days or even washed my face except with a “snot rag” when the tears start running out of my nose and my throat seems like it will close up because someone is choking the freaking life out of me and I can’t breathe.
TB….
I too was willing (after it took a WHILE!) to boot the S from my life…..and never letting him back….
but I wrestle with the parental side…..it’s weird…..
I cut my brother out years ago…..no issues….just no contact, made it clear to parents if he was around, I wasn’t going to be….never wrestled with that.
But, now I’m out of the marrigae to S…..I must deal with the ‘fallout’ of family…the reality of it…..
WHY IS IS SO DIFFERENT?
People are people…we just give family more leniancey to make us crazy and doubt our self.
In 2010….I’m gonna work on the parental side of my life….work it through and stand for what EB wants!!!! I doubt very much…it will be WITH them aroudn.