You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good to see you, Sky.
I am already NC with my mom. It doesn’t seem to help me feel better, but it makes my life more stable, skylar.
I’m not here much either. I don’t think it’s bad to get involved with real life. I’m always glad to see my familiar friends here, and hope they’re out living their lives when they’re not here.
Yeah, when you find the answer to a mother’s betrayal, let me know. I’m guessing forgiveness is the answer. For now, it’s enough to know it hurts, and at least feeling makes me real. I spend so much time in my head.
Dear Stargazer,
You rpost to me was really very very good, and I think right on in so many ways. yes, he let me down and did not live up to my expectations, and also probably didn’t trust me enough not to judge him, etc. at the same time, yes, I do expect financial responsibility and he is up and down with this through out his adult life. He works and works hard, and is a good employee, takes pride in his work. Most of the time he is responsible, but if he is “down” or bored or depressed, he will slide and buy things he can’t afford, instead of saving money back for things he WILL need in the future.
I have a HORROR of being without funds because I spent money on “toys” instead of saving some of my money back for emergencies. That may be a hang up with me. I’m not sure. But I have been DEADBROKE and had $1.50 between me and the street with a cat and two kids and a couple of suitcases of clothing and a 10 yr old pick up truck with a camper shell on the back. That’s pretty scary. My son has never known want, has never experienced that FEAR of being destitute. He has actually gotten himself into a destitute situation a couple of times years ago when he was depressed and right out of college, and yes, I did “rescue him.”
I found out where he was staying (you can’t call it living) and went and got him, brought him home, he had no vehicle so had lost his job because he couldn’t get to work, was staying in a trailer that belonged to a friend without utilities. Had NO money and was just lying there wrapped up in a blanket.
I provided him a car, though he had to repay me which he did, and he lived here, worked and saved money 1/3 of his salary, paid me 1/3 for room and board. That lasted til he got back on his feet again and got a couple or three thousand dollars in his pocket and then he met the P X-DIL on the internet and spent every dime of it moving her and her two kids (one in a Wheel chair) the o ther one a histrionic PD teenager who wouldn’t work, help around the house or go to school, down here to AR from NY, married her by “sneaking off” and 6 months later was essentially out of our lives for about 5 years while he felt trapped in a relationship with a woman who was abusive to him, emotionally, physically and financially.
I think the video addiction started during the marrige though he played a few video games before he married her, it wasn’t a lot, but her son used “his money” (SSI because he was disabled with muscular dystrophy) to buy toys and games and computers to the tune of hundreds of dollars a month while the utility bills and rent went unpaid. It was an escape for my son and his step son both.
I understand a 100 reasons he could lie to me, and I understand why he would want to escape. I have cried and banged my head for the last 36 hours and am finally numb from the top of my head to the bottom of my soul (and soles!)
I have read this article over and over and over, trying to make sense of my son’s life, the patterns in it.
quote article:
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
OK, now looking at the part of the article above, this incident with the lie, the buying a computer he could not afford just because he wants it, and going against the AGREEMENT he made when he came here to live to handle his finances in a responsible way (HE AGREED TO THIS remember, he also asked to come home, I didn’t go beg him to come home.)
He CHOSE to go against the agreement and to LIE to cover it up, KNOWING that I would be triggered by a lie, that it would totally hurt me for him to lie to me. He PLANNED in advance on part of this cover up lie and told a “story” that was so out of character for him that a 5 year old wouldn’t have swallowed that as truth. He really is NOT a “good” liar, never has been. I think probably 90% of the time since he was 5 that he has lied I have caught him at it, so he is not a practiced good liar, though there is a PATTERN of lying to cover up what he considers I would consider bad behavior, irresponsible behavior etc.
He is depressed I know, and also has some PTSD, but I am not sure how to handle this, I am really not. I have read this article over and over and over, and even while I was “out of my mind” with disappointment and sadness, I kept reading the posts made to me, and the VENTING posts I did—thanks guys! I am now, 48 hours out, more or less numb and trying to think straight before I make a decision that cannot be reversed.
I DO have hope he will “see reason’ and we can make some form of reconciliation. I don’t think he will be able to come back here to live, no matter what happens. I don’t think I can have someone in my home that I cannot trust 100% and who doesn’t trust ME enough to Always tell me the truth.
I dont’ expect him to be perfect, God knows I am NOT perfect. But the bible story of King David who was a pretty bad “sinner”—he had slept with another man’s wife and when he knocked up the woman and her husband had been out of town, he tried to get the guy to come home and sleep with her so they could pass the kid off as the husband’s and when that didn’t work, then he had the man killed. So David was no “mr. nice guy” and a man who never sinned, BUT David was a “man after God’s own heart”–DUH? how does that make sense? Because when David did bad things, he accepted REBUKE and he actually repented and was sorry and changed his ways. I think these old Bible stories have “moral lessons” totally above and beyond any religious context. I think we all make mistakes, and all do bad things, maybe not as bad as King David did, but where there is acceptence of responsibility, accountability and remorse and changing our ways, there is HOPE for anyone who is NOT a psychopath, no matter what they have done.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for bad acts, because there are “natural” and “legal” consequences, since David was the King, the only “legal” consequences he had were to God, but you get the point. I don’t expect my son to be perfect, but I do expect him to be like King David and “Man up” and admit what he has done, when King David was confronted (and he was many times because he was an imperfect man) he “manned up” and said “Yep, you are right, I did a stupid/mean/ungrateful thing, and I will do my best to fix it and not do it again.” (paraphrased LOL)
My son made an agreement that I thought was reasonable, and was for his benefit not mine, but in exchange for this agreement for him to manage his money (there wouldn’t hve been any money to manage if he had continued to live somewhere else as it took ALL of his money to live, not just 2/3.
So he had an OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE SOME MONEY and get a “grub stake” to take care of him if an emergency came up or he needed money. He chose to ignore the opportunity in favor of spending the money on more and bigger computers, he already had 2 big computers, monitors and top of the line equipment.
The gates to the farm do not lock where he cannot “escape.” No one forced him to move here, or to agree to the agreement about saving the money. He was also informed that I don’t give “second chances” on LIES.
So, tell me, because I don’t know. Where do I draw the line? One lie, two, three, four, ten? Where is a lie “forgiveable” meaning I restore trust to that person? I actually don’t think my son has lied to me in 2 1/2 years since his wife was arrested…before that he lied to me plenty, and knew that the Trojan Horse had control of my phone account, had gotten my credit card numbers and was harassing me by ordering things sent to my house on my credit card, and turning off my cell phone account, and running up big bills on it. My son C KNEW THIS and did nothing to help me or to warn me. He sat there passively while his wife and the TH-P harassed me nearly into the grave. He didn’t know about the plan to kill me, but he KNEW ABOUT THE HARASSMENT. I had forgiven my son long ago for all this, and given him back my trust, but how can I trust him now that he has lied to me again?
I don’t know. I wish I did. How long will it take to restore my trust in him again, til the next time he lies to me for some “stupid” reason?
I’ve got to give this some great amount of thought, because I can’t live in chaos any more. There is so little reserve and with the parole hearing for my P son coming up in almost exactly a year, I have to work on that, which is upsetting enough, but how can I also deal with this as well? I just don’t know. A week ago or two I was on top of the world, but now I feel in the bottom of the abyss of pain, uncertainty, betrayal and so on. Back to square one.
In the words of Jesus “let him to thinketh he standeth take heed least he fall.” I don’t care how much you think you have healed or how strong you think you are, there are times when it “hits you up side the haid” out of the BLUE and it doesn’t have to be a psychopath to sink you into the abyss. Yep, I will crawl back out, and claw my way back toward the light, but it is a long crawl when you are on your knees doing it over broken promises and with a broken heart. Thanks guys.
Dear Oxy, I just read the last entries, and I am very sad about the things that happened at “Casa Oxy”. I have the impression that you did the right thing and that your son is aware of the consequences as his behaviour did not indicate to me that he was not in agreement with leaving the farm. It is of deepest humanity, of betrayed faith, hope, and consequences drawn, justified even when at the first glance seeming very harsh. Like in a John Wayne-Western. You may excuse my fantasies but I always imagine you on a farm in the old Western films, the Waltons for example.
I have had numerous alcoholic patients who had been drinking away their jobs, loves, health and brains and just came to their senses when they were “cut off” by their enabling relatives to face the real consequences and grow up. Just then they could rearrange their lives to become the adult they were meant to be.
A friend of mine has a son who is addicted to World of Warcraft, and it is very mean as you are not only addicted for yourself, but you play in a group of people and you are valuable to them, and when you try or must break free they harrass you because you are abandoning and betraying the buddies! He is 17 years old and is now starting having difficulties in school. The friend and her husband run a tight ship at home, but he escapes every once in a while. She has not found the solution yet, unfortunately.
And I must confess that I am also kind of addicted to computers, specially the LF-site! I also read recently that 20% of relationships break because of computers!
I am quite sure in the bottom of my heart that in Casa Oxy the last word is not spoken yet in this matter, and I am confident that things will be better, and I want to compliment you for ” A woman must do what a woman must do”, hence the John Wayne comparison. Meanwhile my heart goes out to you, and I would like to give you a big cyberhug! ((((((HUG))))))
Dearest Oxy, I know how hard all this is for you right now. But I just want to let you know how very much you have helped me to really SEE what was going on with my older daughter, and how I didnt realise I was in a pattern of going on and on enabling her, excusing her,letting her lie to me, cheat me, defraud me, abuse me. It wasnt so much about the money as the terrible feeling of being used, lied to and betrayed.I would have given her the shirt of my back if shed really needed it, but the incident back in around 1987, over 20 years ago now, when she was about 24 or 5 really rocked me to the core. Im sure I told you about it, forgive me if I repeat it. She told me she desprately needed about A$450- {not a huge sum,} and her bank was ringing her up and pestering her about this overdrawn amount. I agreed to meet hr in town and give her the money, {at the time,all of my savings}. We were ina long bank queue, but we eventually
reached the counter. I asked the teller to find out exactly what my daughter owed them.She went away and came back, wrote the sum of $4.50 cents ona piece of paper. I showed it to Deb.” It must be a mistake, she said,”Mum, your tired, why dont you go and sit down and Ill sort it out.” So I did,{I was tired.} She came over and said,”Mum she DID make a mistake, she put the decimel point in the wrong place, that should have read $450–, not $4.50.” By this time I was tired and confused, so I gave her the money, she paid it in the bank, then came out and gave me a hug. She cut up her credit card with my nail scissors, and I went home feeling Id helped her out. Later that week, her bank statement arrived.
Shed been living with us for 6 months and we were still getting her mail. Like you, I got that “Spidey” feeling in my guts, so I opened it. She WAS only overdrawen by $4.50 after all.!! not $450– Not only that, shed recently finished up with a job and collected her super,around $13,000. Shed used most of it to pay off her debts, pay the bond on a flat,and book a holiday. So. knowing full well she didnt need my money, shed happily pocketed all I had in the world without a twinge of consciense!
I still feel the sting of that hurt and fraud and betrayaltoday, after all those years.. She didnt do this just once, like a mug, I went on over the years, giving to her, baling her out, I guess hoping somehow shd love me. Didnt happen.Now about MY boundary, like you, I DID as you know ,set my boundary, 6 monthsago, ONE only apology for all the rotten mean con tricks, lies,”snowing”-{great new word to me},hasnt happened yet, I doubt it will. She cant drop this phoney facade of being perfect and entitled.and a victim.
The other boundary, to get rid of one false friend whod helped her to trash my home and studio in 1981. This Gennis
was a new “friend” on facebook, and G had written,”Didnt we have fun, Debs? We didnt give a shit, did we?” and Deb had answered “No, Glennis, we didnt give a shit!.” I, being at the time on her facebook page read this, and wrote,”Deb, maybe you and G didnt give a shit, but your dad and I did, and you cost us thousands of dollars, not to speak of the pain and anguish we suffered when our home was trashed because of your party, held in our absence.” Deb reacted by NOT getting rid of G as Id asked her to , but getting rid of ME!! Unfriending” me as they call it.So. that boundary, only one of 2, was to get rid of Glennis, and re-instate me. This she has not done. So, the boundary stays in place.I suppose some people would think it a storm in a tea cup, _{the facebook fiasco} but to me, it brought up years of pain, my ex drinking again after all this,{he couldnt handle it}, my lovely home being trashed, my art studio being trashed for the second time,all culminating in me being severely bashed by my ex and hospitalised. And she and Glennis thought it alla bit of fun, and they” didnt give a shit,” to quote them. Even tho she is now 45, she cant see what she did to me, and I guess she never will but for my own sanity I know I have to stay NC for my peace of mind, & self respect. Oxy, you helped me so much with all this, you peeled the scales from my eyes,I saw clearly that Id allowed her to keep on abusing me a d getting away with it.Im like you I HATE lies! And she lies all the time!
Thats one thing her ex husband hates so much too. And the betrayal, the horrible feeling of being used, abused and then dumped. You helped me, Oxy to do the right thing, and now you have again to do this with another of your sons . It doesnt get any easier, but we have to abide by our boundaries.Love, and my prayers and thanks are with you, dear Oxy.. Love,{{HUGS}} Gem.XX
Hello OxDrover– As I’ve read even more in subsequent posts about what you’ve endured with your son C. over the years, I feel even more empathy about your dilemma. You have been incredibly giving, patient and supportive of him. You have been challenged to forgive on many levels to renew your relationship with C in various ways before — due to sins of ommission (I cannot imagine what you must have felt with C not informing you of what his ex-P wife was doing to destroy your credit/finances) as well as sins of commission (the recent lying and irresponsibility related to C’s video addiction).
I guess there are times when intellectual or abstract theoretical responses simply don’t apply. I send my hope that your heart and spirit heal as you work through this recent situation, and that you find renewed faith and peace.
Oxy, you wrote: “Where do I draw the line? One lie, two, three, four, ten? Where is a lie “forgiveable” meaning I restore trust to that person? I actually don’t think my son has lied to me in 2 1/2 years since his wife was arrested”before that he lied to me plenty, and knew that the Trojan Horse had control of my phone account, had gotten my credit card numbers and was harassing me by ordering things sent to my house on my credit card, and turning off my cell phone account, and running up big bills on it. My son C KNEW THIS and did nothing to help me or to warn me. He sat there passively while his wife and the TH-P harassed me nearly into the grave. He didn’t know about the plan to kill me, but he KNEW ABOUT THE HARASSMENT. I had forgiven my son long ago for all this, and given him back my trust, but how can I trust him now that he has lied to me again?
I don’t know. I wish I did. How long will it take to restore my trust in him again, til the next time he lies to me for some “stupid” reason? I’ve got to give this some great amount of thought, because I can’t live in chaos any more. There is so little reserve and with the parole hearing for my P son coming up in almost exactly a year, I have to work on that, which is upsetting enough, but how can I also deal with this as well? I just don’t know. A week ago or two I was on top of the world, but now I feel in the bottom of the abyss of pain, uncertainty, betrayal and so on. Back to square one.”
Take care, Oxy.
With empathic regard,
— Recovering
Hi oxy,
I found this article about video addiction you might be interested in. Here is the website.
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/technology/eleanorbarlow/10037837/can_we_really_be_addicted_to_th
It is not very long but it does have some other interesting links.
TRhanks guys for your advice, support, prayers and love. I’ve had a 48 hour “crying, screaming, head pounding pity party” and I woke up this morning after I finally got to sleep about 4:30 a.m. and felt much better.
About 1:30 I talked to a very wise friend of mine who has a son who is literally “killing himself” with diabetes and my friend is not able to talk to the son because the son gets mad if his parent tries to “give him advice”—so, my wise friend had to back off and let the son live his own live, even if it ends up resulting in the son’s death and.or disability from a horrible disease which is exacerbated by excess food and alcohol etc.
I realized when i talked to this friend, who is very wise and understanding, that my son’s problem isn’t actually nearly as severe as my friends sons problem, and I actually felt pretty bad for complaining to my friend about my own son’s problems, my son isn’t physically killilng himself with a spoon and a whiskey bottle and my friend’s son is.
I am calm now, though last night for a while I was NUMB, but things are starting to come together for me again, getting my head out of my butt and reversing the “cranio-rectal inversion!” LOL
My pain was bad, my pain was real, I appreciate you guys being so sweet, supportive and giving me your advice and prayers. I guess the lie just triggered me to the max and it went down hill from there. I love my son C very much and on the whole, he is a better man than most, not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but is choosing a path right now that I don’t have to be a “prophet” to foretell that it will lead to a financial disaster that he will spiral down into an abyss that will make it very very hard if at all possible for him to pull himself out of that abyss.
I’ve thrown him ropes in the past when that would happen, and I THOUGHT I was “helping him” by throwing him the rope, I did NOT “pull him out of the hole” by giving him money etc. I made him CLIMB the rope to get out, and so I thought I wasn’t being “enabling.”
However, looking at the pattern of repeated behavior and the fact that he keeps going back DOWN INTO the SAME ABYSS, then I am seeing there is a problem here and the problem is MINE, I HAVE BEEN ENABLING HIM and as all people who are enabled they will be grateful and so on for a WHILE but then they will start to RESENT the boundaries that go along with the “help” (read: Enabling) and so they will rebell against these boundaries they resent—actually the very boundaries they crossed to get into the abyss in the FIRST PLACE.
So, though I have thought I was “helping” him and “giving him an opportunity” to help himself, it ended up being ENABLING him to continue this pattern. The only way he COULD have saved any money was if he had lived here (or somewhere else) that his living expenses were smaller than living independently. So, when he got whatever amount of money he thought was “enough cushion” he started sneaking behind my back, breaking the agreement, didn’t have the balls to tell me he didn’t want that agreement any mroe, and when he lied to me, hopinig to avoid the conflict or confrontation, and then when I saw the lie, refused to talk about it…I did what I HAD TO DO and that was to tell him to leave and “have a nice life” but without the “help” (enabling) or the priviledges of living here and have opportunities that he was rejecting.
I have no doubt that he will very soon run into SERIOUS financial problems, and even his job may be lost due to the health of his boss, and there are NO jobs in his field available anywhere around here, and few available anywhere in the US. Even then, starting from “ground zero” money wise and no savings to speak of (a few hundred dollars) and no assets to fall back on, and no chance of another rope being thrown to him by me, he’s got some hard financial roads a head of him and will be dependent upon the charity of his friends, who unfortunately also choose to spend their money to the last cent on computers and video games.
Lots of people buy bass boats, 4-wheelers, ski-doos, fishing gear, gamble, drink too much or drug and don’t save money for a “rainy day.”
Having been in my life dead broke with a kid on each hip, living in the back of my pick up truck with a camper shell on it, I have a HORROR of ever living that way again because i spent all my savings on “toys” or things that I truly did not “need.” when there was no rainy day fund. I have lived like that because I had to, but NEVER BY CHOICE.
I am truly disappointed that my son is willing to live that way by CHOICE, and to lie to me about it because it breaks an agreement he made to me. So the only option I have at this point is to pull back and see what happens in the future with our relationship but I can’t save him against his will. I can’t help him when he won’t respect the boundaries and agreements on how the help will be dispensed.
My wise friend said their son was coming to them when they were young adults and asking for $60 for the electric bill, and my friend would give it to the son, then notice the next week that there was a NEW STEREO SPEAKER in the son’s truck.
My friend spoke to the son and said, “Son, if you are hungry, come to me and I will feed you, or if you are sick, come to me and I will take you to the doctor and pay the bill, but no more cash because you didn’t use it for the purpose you asked for it.”
So when my son finds himself in the abyss again financially, I will have to do something probably rather than let him live under a bridge abutment, but not take him back in here. He isn’t Ted Bundy and he isn’t his brother, and he isn’t a psychopath, but he is not honest with me, and I can’t trust him to use the opportunities I have given him to his own advantage. I love him, and I am sad, but the overwhelming pain of my disappointment and clearly looking at my son that I had too much trust for is gone.
This article is probably the MOST appropriate article on LF and as it relates to my own BLINDNESS in over looking painful things in my son C that I didn’t want to see, that I didn’t want to connect the dots, it does some what remind me of his P brother, but I know that son C has two good working sides of the triangle, he has the ability to love, he has a moral compass and feels guilty about breaking stride with that, but his impulse control needs to be worked on quite a bit. He needs I think to have a more mature, wiser and more adult view of financial management, but in this he is not alone, our country is full of people with tons of mortgages they can’t pay, credit card bills for toys and things they bought that they can[‘t pay for, lots of people who drove bigger cars than they could afford, or took vacations they coujldn’t afford and are deeply in debt for toys. So he is not the “worst” offender about any of this, but it isn’t going to improve his life any, when the inevitible “ax falls” and he has no reserve cushion, and that LACK of a reserve financial cushion is because of HIS CHOICES AND LACK OF IMPULSE CONTROL. I’ve done my best since he was a little kid to train impulse control into him as a “second nature” where financial things are concerned, I gave him an opportunity which he obviously didn’t want, and now I am DONE. He’s 40 years old, he’s a middle aged man, and he’s perfectly legal to spend the money he earns the way he wants to, it is just that I am NOT obligated or even motivated now, to give him MORE OPPORTUNITIES or throw him more ropes. I’ve got a LIFE TO LIVE.
My late husband used to define “Home” as “the place you go when you HAVE to go there and they HAVE TO TAKE YOU IN”
Well, unfortunately, C just lost his “home” cause I don’t have to take him in again, and I’m sad about that, for sure, because I love him, but all the times I have taken him in when he came here, it hasn’t done much good as he is repeating the same behavior that made him have to come here the first time when he was 20.
Thanks for the prayers guys and the support, I’m doing much much MUCH better today, and can type and see the screen as the tears are for the moment at least done with.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and when we do get knocked down again or step onto a pot hole on the road to healing and cut our knees and hands crawling out, we will still be strong enough to get right back up and get going in the right direction. Taking care of ourselves is number one with us, and that is what I intend to do.
You guys have a great day, I’ve gotta get outside and do a few things before dark! Love and hugs toyou all, and always prayers.
‘v
Oxy,
First I’m glad my last post toward you was received well–I was concerned about that. In your life, trusting the wrong person is a life-and-death issue. You expected your son C to understand this, but he is in his own world and probably in his own pain (and possibly his addiction) and just not focused on your side of things.
Perhaps I’m overly optimistic, but in my life, I have only dealt with one person that I am convinced was a true sociopath, and I ended it after 2-1/2 months. So I’m probably a little more trusting than many people here. I’m not too quick to label someone until it is crystal clear that they fit the label. I tend to go more with the thinking of “is this behavior acceptable?” “Is this a bad person FOR ME?”.
You are so wise, Oxy, and you even show your wisdom by asking for feedback from us. I pray that you will not only find peace with your son but that perhaps the two of you can find a deeper level of connection through this crisis, if he chooses to also do his part.
((Hugs))
I posted before I got to read your last post, Oxy. I know you love your son, but maybe helping him financially as you have is just not appropriate, but now you can support him in a different way, just by letting him know you love him while also allowing him to live his own life and make his own choices.
Stargazer and Skylar,
My mom….I came to accept how damaged she was, and once you do that, you sort of inadvertently forgive them. What can a scorpion do but sting?
I did keep her in my life. I guess it was the right choice, but I’m not sure. But I had huge emotional insulation around myself when with her. meaning I was not real and not authentically free. I talked to her the way I would talk to someone I ran into at the grocery store. I think Oxy has mentioned this technique. I no longer let her know who I really was. I told her as little about my life as possible. And I did not expect her to be anything other than the scorpion she was. STill, because of the love for her I still had, it did give me joy to give her gifts that I knew she would love. As long as I focused on making her happy (without expecting back anything more than you do with a two year old….they love it or they don’t, and they rarely say thanks, but you can enjoy their delight nonetheless if you happened to find something they liked) I was okay.
You may remember that when she died she left me a vile note. I let myself get hurt by that. But now, a year later, I can just shrug my shoulders and say “Yup, mom was like that….never could let go of any negative feeling, never could forgive even imaginary wrongs, really into punishment, shame, making you feel guilty” and I just use it as an example in my life to remind me that I do NOT want to be that way with the people I love.
My husband made a bad decision and we lost $150,000 ….a huge amount of our life savings. But it was an honest mistake, some bad judgment in hindsight especially, but not something he did on purpose to hurt me, to get any kind of gain for himself at anyone’s expense, etc. In other words, it was not a P/S/N “mistake”….but a very human one. And thinking of my mom’s bitterness, need to punish, etc….helped me NOT be that way with him…though I certainly started to go down that road!
What is that joke? You are a wonderful example to me of the kind of person I don’t want to be? That is how I feel about my mom.