You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Some people are just impossible people. That’s what my kids are…I’ve got to accept this….they are impossible!! Here is some great info I goggled:
“Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of “fixing” the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can’t (and even if they could, they wouldn’t). You can’t convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don’t recognize (or if they did, wouldn’t try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don’t have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It’s far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you’ll become a better manager.
12Realize that impossible people engage in projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.”
I must resign my managerial position! And stay resigned!
*ahahaaaaaaaaa! That should read googled! Oh well, guess in my state of mind…I might have goggled…..ahahahaaa! *screams with laughter!
Dear TB and witty, and Erin, Can I ask a favour of you? can you read my post re my older daughter,{regarding her cheating and defrauding me of $450–} I need to know if you think Im still being unreasonable in finding this still unacceptable after over 20 years. Its not about the money, its that awful sick making feeling of being screwed, used, conned, fleeced, and then thrown away.Also, do you think the Facebook episode is a storm in a teacup? What am I supposeto do with all this old rage and hurt and betrayal, which she refuses to even admit happened? Im still finding it v. hard to stay NC , even tho the answer is in her hands, all I am asking for is ONE apology,{which Im sure I wont get.} Im no nearer to understanding those people, its like they come from a different solar system.Also, Im scared to ring up her ex as my daughter sometimes babysits her own kids at his place, and I dont want to talk to her. Love and Thanks, and {{HUGS}} Gem.XX {I feel guilty also re Oxy, she is the one who needs max support here right now, but Im in a bad place at th moment.Gem.
Dear Star,
Thanks dear, I’ve come down from my 48 hour “pity party” and gotten my head out of my butt (cranial-rectal inversion) and done some deep thinking.
I realize that I have had on rosy colored glasses where C is concerned. Yes, my “help” actually WAS ENABLING, and that was NOT good on my part. Enabling someone is not a good thing for you or them.
I had a therapist once say that the ONLY legitimat4e “rescue” is to pull an unconscious person out of a burning building.
I should have started a LONG time ago. C is not like his brother, the P, and he has many good qualities, however, that said, I rescued him even though I set some boundaries on the help–they were not strongly enforced enough, and I gave him back my trust too easily.
I see a PATTERN, the “big picture” now and there is a SERIES of behaviors that are unacceptable, and I have been too “forgiving” and “excusing” of these behaviors.
I am not just looking at this ONE LIE, or this one broken agreement, but a whole string of things that I looked at “individually” as “nothing serious” but taken ALL TOGETHER, they make up a big picture that while he is not a P, he is NOT acting in a mature way, not taking advantage of the OPPORTUNITIES his brother and I offered him, and I can’t cut him any more slack.
I know there is almost always hope for people who are not Ps, but at the same time, people who are just “dysfunctional” and not Ps can screw up their own lives pretty badly and nothing we can do will fix or help them until THEY are ready.
Yep, he’s had some “bad luck” because of HIS POOR DECISIONS, his failure to listen to good advice, advice he KNEW was good, but like many people he made his choice to do some of these things KNOWING THEY WERE NOT WISE decisions. I’ve done it myself. I got the consequences for my poor decisions and he’ll have the consequences for his poor decisions.
Regardless of whether or not he is “addicted” or “just using video games to escape RL” he is setting himself up for repeat failure financially, has not used the opportunities he was given to help himself. I’m sorry about that, but when he made HIS CHOICES he knew the “rules.”
The winos at the local “mission” know that if they bring booze into the establishment they will be tossed out no matter how cold the night is–right on the street. They know if the start a brawl, they will be barred from going there ever again. There are rules attached to everything we do. We “get by” in life by pretty well obeying the rules. We get consequences when we break the rules.
There are rules at my house. My name is on the deed, so I get to set the rules. You may not like the rules, but if so, don’t let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. My rules may not be fair, they may be totally arbritrary and i can change them without notice if I want. But if you don’t like the way this establishment is run and you are unhappy here, you are FREE TO GO. There is no lock on the gate, and if there was, you could climb over, it is only 4 ft. tall and isn’t electric. There aren’t guards riding on horses with shot guns to keep you in, there are not packs of blood hounds to track you down if you run away.
BUT, if you want to stay here and have the BENEFITS of being here and if you will play by the rules, then you are welcome to stay, but if not, don’t let the gate hit you in the butt.
My son C has obviously enjoyed some benefit from living here. Financial and otherwise. He wouldn’t have HAD any money to have bought the computer if he had not been living here because a separate home, or even a roomie situation would have cost him all he made to just keep up. So living here he had an opportunity to SAVE MONEY…he chose not to use this opportunity, but I am NOT OBLIGATED to allow him to live here and violate the rules.
The number one rule here is DO NOT LIE TO THE OWNER, the number two rule is SEE RULE NUMBER ONE!
Just as if a wino had brought a bottle of hootch into the shelter, He brought LIES into my home, so since he is not willing to follow the rules set out and “posted by the door” he has no right to stay here. He doesn’t owe me any more money, he paid me off what few hundred dollars he owed me.
However, looking back over the last 20+ years, I realize that he has NOT used several opportunities I ahve given him, and when the inevitable happened because he made UNwise choices, and he ended up destitute, I gave him another opportunity, which he used for a while and then BROKE the rules again. Rinse and repeat. I expect him to continue with that pattern.
Does that make him a Psychopath? No, he didn’t steal from me, he didn’t hit me, he just chose to lie to me. I choose not to have a relationship with people who lie to me. Knowing him, though, he will have “too much pride” to come back on his hands and knees begging for a place at my table again. He waits for word to get back to me that he is destitute and waits for me to come resuce him. Well, I’m out of the rescue business for people who run out into dangerous woods and then lie down and wait for someone to come haul their butts out on a stretcher, and then when they are “safe” they DO IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.
Each day I am learning, recognizing the problems I HAVE, the things I have done that were UNwise, enabling, dysfunctional, denying, manipulating, or anything else that I should NOT HAVE DONE.
This isn’t just about my son C any more it is about WHAT PART I PLAYED in him not being reliable financially, and the fact that I knew it but REFUSED to see it, to acknowledge it, just because he always has a job, and always works, it is NOT just “bad luck” that makes him have financial problems repeatedly, but POOR IMPULSE CONTROL OVER HIS SPENDING, and he will defend to the death his right to spend on toys what he should have reasonably saved for a “rainy day.” Lots of people live that way because even though they have a choice, they choose unwisely to buy toys so when they have NEEDS they can’t meet them.
Other people do the best they can and still wind up destitute or homeless. My son has a CHOICE, and opportunities, but he has chosen his path, and I can’t FIX HIS POOR CHOICES. I love him, but I can’t help him, I can’t rescue him, I can only let him fall into the pit he is digging for himself, and then figure a way to crawl out of his own pit…just as I have dug my own pits and have clawed my way out of them over and over and over, but I AM LEARNING to set boundaries, to stick to them, and to not go overboard trying to help someone and actually ENABLE them to not have the consequences of their poor choices.
We learn to walk by falling on our butts, skinning our knees and bumping our heads. If our mommies couldn’t allow us to try by ourselves and get back up, we would never learn to walk. I have “over protected” my son unfortunately, so now at middle age, he is going to get some life lessons he had at 20, but I prevented the full consequences of those lessons from hitting him square between the eyes. MY BAD. But I am going to be a BETTER MOTHER TO HIM NOW than I have been, I am going to let him make his own decisions and bear the FULL consequences. I will pray for him and continue to love and hope for him, but when he falls, I won’t be there to pick him up. I hope that he grows up and learns from his mistakes, but in the meantime, I have got to go on with my life.
Back for several years after he married the P-DIL I saw very little of him and grieved over that, but eventually came to terms with the fact that he either didn’t really want contact with his family or whatever, but I came to terms with it.
Toonight on my way home as D and I drove along, I felt that same acceptance come over me, I felt that same feeling of accepting what IS. I am somewhat disappointed, somewhat sad, but no longer devestated, not much hope he will change, not much hope he will grow up, not much hope I can ever fully trust him again, but accepting of what IS.
My pity party is over ladies and gents. My screaming, crying, headbashing, gut wrenching party is done. I am going to go on with my life and give him the freedom to go on with his. I used to worry all the time day and night when P son went to prison. Who or what was raping him? Who was beating him? Now I never give it a thought.
I could worry about C and how he is doing. Is he depressed? Does he have enough money for rent, is his truck running okay? Is his company out of business yet? But, that’s not my worry, not my responsibility, it’s his.
If he ever wants a relationship with me, we’ll talk about it, but right now, I’ve done all the “reaching out” I am able to do, I’ve got to take care of myself. His responsibility is to take care of himself. I will pray for him however, it is all I can do.
I relate to the post above. I am in so much emotional pain right now. I wish this would stop…
Dear gg: I read that post about your daughter conning you out of your money and the FB posts. Well, no, I think you are well within your rights of feeling totally conned! That would really freak me out!!!!! I would NOT trust anyone that could do this to their own mother! Anymore than I trust my older daughter who betrayed me with my xhub….and this started when she was younger! I love her, but I don’t trust her….and never will, I don’t think! IMO-if someone is capable of this type of deception they have crossed some really large boundaries! This would not be any situation that would be easily forgotten by me….not so much as revenge and possibly not bitter…. but, when someone can do these types of things….I just don’t ever trust them fully again. Just my two cents….
gg: Also: I want badly to reunite, trust and resume a relationship with my older daughter, and I’ve tried, but truthfully, it has not worked. I don’t really think it’s possible. I am afraid there are lines crossed that cannot really be gotten back over…..and that scares me. The reason being: they don’t admit, accept responsibility for their actions so there can be no change/no working things out… the ‘relationship’ once again resumes on THEIR terms which leaves no choice for us but to: either be their slave/doormat OR cut contact and live our lives. I have found no other ways …..they refuse to let us live our lives and accept common boundaries ……just the way they are. Look at their lives….their friends/spouses/etc either are passive or gone…..
Thanks so much TB. I sometimes wonder if I overreact. Its not that I havent forgiven her, but there is NEVER any form of closure when they wont ever admit theyve done a nasty mean thing, much less apologise for it! I read somewhere that forgiveness is for US as much as them. It does not mean
a] we have to condone it
b} we dont have to see that party again if we dont want to
c}we dont excuse it,
d] we dont trust that person again, UNTIl and UNLESS they ask for forgivesess andshow by their actions that thye are changing
e}forgiveness sets US free.
f} we have to find our OWN closure if they cant or wont give any to us
g} we do not allow that person to suckerpunch us ever again.
h] we have to remain alert to future “red flags”, and not fall into the same “enabling” pattern of baling them out.
i} if they cant or wont love and/ or respect us, we have to love and respect ourselves, and NEVER let them con, lie, cheat and defraud us ever again.
By the way, TB, how are YOU doing? A very happy spath free New Year to you!! Love, and {{HUGS}} Gem.XXX
Donna, there seems to be a problem,-when I post a blog, it doesnt go to the main page on the left, like it used to do. Is this a new system?
Gem.X
gg: you have your head screwed on right. Great post!
I’m doing ok! [thanks for asking!] I’ve recovered from the butchering I received recently from my older daughter that was baited and egged on by my younger one. Course they ‘kissed and made up’ and kept me slammed on the outskirts….fine…just fine with me. I’ve come to the conclusion some folks deserve each other! ahahaha! I’ve regrouped and got my balance back…thankfully! Something else I’ve concluded-for me anyway-: I always thought we never outgrew or moved beyond motherhood….but, you know, in most ways I think we should….I mean these are ADULTS and people of their own. Look at animals…they move their young out to function on their own. I am told [am an animal person] that they do recognize their offspring…but they do not mother them any longer. I had a rescue dog that was preggers when I found her….she had her pups and I placed them in good homes etc….well, one was returned to me at about a year since the lady became very ill and could not care for her dog….when I placed the ‘pup’ back into the kennel…..her mom immediately recognized her and gave her head a gentle lick ..it was so sweet–BUT-she let this dog function on its own and treated it as one of the pack NOT fussing over it or mothering it…which I thought was pretty cool. I realize we are not animals….but, I do think we could learn a thing or two from them: 1: trust our instinct and 2: let these pups go and don’t mother them any longer or allow them to ‘force us to mother them!” We are people again…our lives have changed and we are free to live them….the possessiveness is actually from these adult kids keeping US tied to them not vice versa. Took me this long to figure this out….! The ownership lies with them not us! *duh….I know! LOL
How are you, gg? Happy New Year to you too! Love, ((((hugs))))) in return and may this be the year of a new beginning for us all! *To freedom from all N/P and the like! 🙂