You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy: I am glad to see you laugh!!!!!!!!! :):):)
Ok, you manage us…..we are going on tour. Let’s see, what is the name of our tour? “Humor from OVER the Edge”? Or just “The Edge” tour?!
Whadda ya say, Kathy? Got your bags packed? I guess mine might be rated “R”….. bwwwaaahahahahahaaaa!
Oh, TB, I read that an hour ago, started hyperventilating, went out and warmed up a bowl of chicken soup, watched the first half of Heroes, and came back, and it’s still here.
You know, I went through college on a public speaking scholarship. Won everything there was to win, except extemporaneous. Did theatre for years. Ran for office. Always knew my lines and delivered them well.
But the thought of doing stand-up? Just making it up as I go along? In front of people who could heckle me and throw thrings. Ummm….
Okay, I have to go back to my quilt on the couch and watch the end of Heroes.
If you go, I’ll travel with you and applaud wildly!!!
Kathleen – stand up is not the same as improv. breathe. 🙂
Dear Kathy,
I reread your above post to me (a while back) and I have been so upset I haven’t even realy been able to think clearly, and Yes, it IS ABOUT ME.
After his wife was arrested, he moved to Texas for 18 months, when his roomie moved in a BPD into their place, he didn’t want to deal with her (several suicide gestures, other drama, etc) so he called and asked if he could come here to live. He was working from the 2nd week he had arrived in Texas, was paying off the money he borrowed from my egg donor to leave the state, saving money, etc. seemed to be doing “well.” He was not destitute etc. I said “of course, come on home, house rules haven’t changed.”
After he got home he had money saved and I could see he was really HYPER-HYPER- vigilent and stressed though, so I said “Hey, why don’t you take a time out from work, and chill for a while. Pay your expenses out of your savings, and I’ll forget the R&B until you go back to work. He hung out here for 6 months until his savings was gone, FINE WITH ME, he wasn’t a mooch, he worked around here cheerfully and he and his brother accomplished a lot of things we really needed to get done.
Anyone wants to come here and work for R&B, hey, I FEED GOOD!
Then he decided to look for a job, went back to work for a guy he had worked for for 9 years…started paying R&B, covering his own expenses and saving money again.
Seemed happy, not perfect, but making “progress” and he and his brother seemed to be having a lot of fun together. We got along pretty well with the occasional “cranky” but I confronted that and he RESPONDED WELL….no complaints on my part at all.
Then the “red flag” lie I couldn’t ‘prove” but knew it was a lie, then the REASON came to light, buying computers and hiding them. Sure, he is a big boy and can spend or save his money the way HE WANTS TO…it isn’t like he robbed a liquor store!
And Yes, I OVER REACTED, but …. it pretty well blew me out of the water because I had TRUSTED him so completely. I’m mad at myself I guess more than anything for TRUSTING and minimizing the PAST BEHAVIOR.
THE BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR.
Not that people can’t change their ways and learn from mistakes, because they CAN AND DO (not Psychopaths, but the rest of us)
I have also realized from all of this that I don’t have as much RESIDUAL RESERVE as I had thought/hoped I did have, and I can easily be knocked off my feet by a sudden “wind” out of the blue.
I remember the time I ran into my egg donor in the store and it was totally unexpected and it hit me with such a shot of adrenaline that I felt sick for about 18 hours and weak for a day after that.
This has kind of been the same thing and has blown me away mentally (thinking is very difficult) physically and emotionally and spiritually. I realized I had forgotten how to spell “square” and I kept writing it “quare” and couldn’t figure out what was WRONG.
While I have not been set back to “SQUARE 1” by this, I have been knocked backwards a GREAT WAY, and now is time to focus on me. Calming myself, being good to myself, keeping the stress as low as possible, etc. All the things I know to do, so now is time to practice them.
Kathy, Libelle, TB, EB, Gem and everyone, thank you so much for all of your warm wishes, prayers, good advice and support. I’ll make it through this abyss as well. We’ve all come through some rough spots and we will journey on! (((hugs))) and my Prayers
Kathy: it’s not the same…but, hey, don’t sweat it…I am fast with improv–you can play off my lead and go from there. We can start with improv or end with it…usually end with it….and do our well written comedy before hand. I can play straight or funny….or we can bounce them back and forth!
As far as being heckled ….shoot….I’ve been heckled my whole life….nothing new to me! ahahahaaaaa! Also had stuff thrown at me….bwaahahahahaa! I can pat my hinny at the best of them! ahahahahaaa.
*we had some good laughs anyway! 😉
TB! LOL!!
Now stop scaring Kathleen!
TB, thank you for the horse connection. 🙂
nicker nicker, and hoare frost on nose hairs!
TB, you’ve almost talked me into it.
Now off to bed…G’night all. I’m going to climb into those cold covers, cuddle with the dogs, and dream of the bright stars I can’t see through my snow-covered skylight. We’re getting better, all of us, day by day.
So glad to see you ladies having fun!
🙂
BTW….mine said HE was going to write a book…..YIKES!
Let’s title it….Everything you all ever wanted to know about ME……by GOD.
When we first dated….he would refer to himself as GOD!
hack, hack….uh yeah…..He can’t even spell…..I’m pretty sure he meant DOG!
Kathy: you are superb…you remind me of Kathy [Lindsay Duncan]in Under The Tuscan Sun> with your great use of words, flair, style and candor.
one step: we are kindred souls of the human/equine bond.
EB: that is too funny to laugh at….priceless! I have to laugh anyway….it’s just too good not to.
Oxy: you are Dame Oxy full of wisdom, spit and spirit!
Just a few ladies that make up LF! *Cheers!
Together every day in every way we ARE getting better and better!