You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Style:
I will NEVER ignore my gut instincts again. EVER!
For me, because I am Christian, I call that voice in my gut the voice of God (or Jesus) speaking to me.
But, it does not matter what religion you practice or what spiritual path you are on.
We all have that voice in us.
I believe we need to listen to that voice.
ICanSeeClearly….
Clearly, you are seeing very clearly. Awesome post filled with so many hard-earned insights. Thanks!
Steve
p.s. ditto to you Stayingsane!
Thanks for the insight, Steve. I certainly stood up for myself, made my dissatisfaction known, asked to have my wants and needs met, so I told myself I wasn’t a push-over…but it took me seven years of hell before I left. That is where MY disfunction shows up. I thought I was so powerful I could change him, and come hell or high water I would….NOT!
I liked your analogy of the brush fires. To add my own spin: Fire fighters use a technique called contolled fire to fight wild fires. If an out of control fire is encroaching on open forest that they want to protect, they will encircle that land with a controlled fire.
This fire burns a trench between the forest and the encroaching fire, leaving a a barrier of nothing, So the fire dies out. Burn a few trees and save a whole forest.
My point? I’ve been burned enough, now I’m NC. He finally managed to burn that trench around me, and now he can’t touch me. Sucess.
haha Thank you Steve 🙂 Your articles are incredibly helpful. As are all of the article on this site. I’m very grateful for that.
The thing about clarity that I’m experiencing right now, is it brings forth all of the repressed other emotions so forcefully, it can be overwhelming. I’m up and down like a yo-yo right now and my emotions are all over the place.
I am in and out of the anger phase. It reminds me of that quote, by Gloria Steinem (i think?) “The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Although, anger wasn’t really the first thing I felt when the fog started to lift. There is also deep sorrow.
One of the positives is this site to come to when I’m feeling alone with all of this. Thank you for your insights as well.
Dear icansee,
That wuote is one of our favorites here!!!
Your emotions going up and down like a roller coaster and from anger to sadness, bargaining, denial, etc will go on for a while as you grieve your losses. Google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s grieving process and it will give you some ideas of what you are going through, which is TOTALLY NORMAL!
So don’t be disturbed by the roller coaster, it is all part of the process and you will eventually come to some acceptance of what has been, and work on yourself to become more adept at protectin g yourself, setting boundaries and getting the BIG picture in the future. to learn the warning signs RED FLAGS of psychopathy in others that you meet and setting back fires as needed to protect yourself from them.
Hi Oxy,
It makes total sense that that quote is a favorite here. It’s so appropriate.
Thank you for the reference to the grieving process. I will look it up. Everything is just so….MUCH…right now. On top of all the emotions I am just completely drained spiritually and physically, which is normal I’m sure too.
I think I’ve come to a kind of acceptance, and I’m past the denial. But being in the initial acceptance opens the floodgates to all of the other emotions. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like an illusion and brainwashing that’s suddenly been wiped away and NOW all of the stuff I SHOULD have been feeling and was pushing down for so long is finally really coming up. I know this analogy might seem extreme, but I feel like I was a prisoner of war that sided with the enemy for a while. Now, I’m in limbo putting together the pieces of myself.
Yes, you make a very good point about working on myself. That is my first and foremost priority right now. I neglected myself for too long. Protecting myself and learning about setting boundaries is extremely important to me.
I realize that I have a serious problem in that area. I know that comes from my family history. But, that’s only the first step. I have learned how not protecting my boundaries can just about destroy me. Now, I need to learn to practice setting them. I am on a waiting list for assertiveness training classes in the new year and I can hardly wait. I know that a lot of problems I’ve had in my life, the latest Hellish experience with the ex sociopath being the worst, are due to my not setting personal boundaries.
As for the red flags…well OMG…I sure have a great text book example to learn from. It’s funny because now I can spot personality disorder all over the place and believe you me, I KEEP AWAY and they do NOT get a single ounce of my attention.
Another thing is that some of them are so in tune to body language, I’m pretty sure I spotted a psychopath a couple days ago on my way home from my therapy appointment. I was walking along the street and this man was walking with one of his kids and his wife was trailing behind in the snow pushing a baby stroller and with a toddler. The guy had a vibe about him from 30 feet away and was shooting me the “look”. Instead of being creeped out and looking away like I WOULD have done before, I met his gaze, and kept it for as long as I could. I basically stared the creep down. I’ve NEVER done that.
After I passed them (the woman did not make eye contact), I thought to myself…THAT guy is an abuser. I can FEEL it.
The other red flags as far as behavior with psycho/sociopathy…definitely something that I will recognize in the future and that I’m going through a process of realizing and learning.
NEVER AGAIN. That’s one of my new mottos.
Thanks for all the positive reinforcement Oxy 🙂
It’s such a coincidence that I read this post today. I was just thinking about this very thing this morning. So timely.
I’m in the midst of sorting out my family like with my SP mother and my brother and sister. My sister, who is my best friend, and I are not speaking to each other right now partly due to this very issue.
For years and years my mother has cried to my sister about how I abuse her. In other words, I’m the abuser of mom. According to mom I also am incapable of love and only care about money and mo is terrified of me due to my abusiveness. My sister, who KNOWS ME (we used to talk on the phone every day) treats each episode as if it were a one-time deal. How many times does she need to see that our mother uses her to bash me before Sis gets it mom and I aren’t 2 silly women duking it out, but that I am, in fact, the victim? Our mother does cruel things to her too! How many times have I heard “she’s getting old” as an excuse for mom’s antics?
Our difference of opinion on the matter has caused a huge rift between us and we’re not not talking. I want to shake my sister out of it. I feel like she’s in a cult. Why can’t she see what’s going on?
An interesting dynamic in our family is that SP mom gets to do anything she wants. But if you get angry with her, that’s far worse than anything she did to you, so you have no right to complain. My brother told me not too long ago that when he was 14 our mother strangled him. BUT! HE was acting like a brat, so he had no right to complain. I asked him why he didn’t strangle his own kids. Lightbulb!
I wonder how many of us have experienced that same sort of rationalizing in order to avoid having to take a good long look at the SP’s entire body of work?
Dear Running away,
Your sister has been trained as an enabler by your mother, to NOT SEE THE BIG PICTURE. I have been there, though I have no siblings from my mother, believe me I know the drill, she used my own children as her own and pitted them against me, of course with the P one, this was just fine for him and fine WITH him as “grandma always took hhis side”—and that was true.
While you may be “best friends” with your sister, as long as she is hooked into the DRAMA of your family’s dysfunction, the relationship will not be a good one. That is what makes it hurt because you love her and consider her an important part of your family.
I love my son C who is NOT a P, but when he was married to the P woman and HOOKED into it all, I had to distance myself from him until HE SAW THE LIGHT. I wasn’t sure he ever would, it was only the grace of God that when his wife and her BF tried to kill him that they didn’t succeed and he did SEE THE LIGHT, that my egg donor is an evil enabler, his P brother is a P, and his X-wife is a P, but until HE SAW THE LIGHT there was no relationship between us except I loved him from a distance but NC. that was sad, but I realized I had to do it that way for my own protection.
The people the Ps “dupe” (and many times these are some of their children) act as what I call “psychopaths by proxy” because they help to suck in the victim and keep him/her there. they don’t realize what theya re doing is “bad” because they think they are “helping the family” and “keeping peace” but in realioty they are enabling the psychopath to continue the abuse. It is sad, but sometimes the “duped” person does see the light, just keep hoping and praying that your sister will be one of those that “escapes” the toxcic FOG of your mother. (((hugs))))
Oh, hi, everyone. I just thought I’d share this “personal and confidential” e-mail from an eminent, professional, psychopath/sociopath being sued by a friend of mine. He wants to “resolve difficulties.”
Just to illustrate how you “had to be there” to see the damage this a-hole has caused to a lot of people. Because he sounds like such a nice man.
* * *
Dear Ms. X,
Why the harsh words? No matter how you conduct yourself, I have always treated you and your group with respect. I have seriously listened to your positions, and taken time to answer the extensive questions your group put to me. Very few practicing medical doctors have taken the time to seriously listen to your group as I have. I may not agree with what you say, but I have defended your right to say it.
Because [state] law precludes [your friend’s] lawsuit, it really is in her best interest to withdraw the suit. It also would be best if you withdrew your harsh statements against me. I’m sure neither one of us wants to spend large amount of time in court rooms, so why don’t we talk instead?
If you decline to accept this offer to resolve, regretfully I must ask you to tell me what attorney will represent you.
I look forward to your thoughtful response to these serious issues,
Dr. Blah-blah-blah
* * *
Wow, I’m such a hard-assed bitch, huh? With any luck, I’ll get even more “harsh.” I’m learning. And what did I say about this guy? Nothing except to stay away from him, he’s a sociopath. My cop friend says this is just the way perps talk.
Hope you enjoyed it.
“THE ‘SPATH’S’ ENTIRE BODY OF WORK” Nicely put runningaway!
I haven’t talked in detail with the dupe who is sueing the spath i interacted with, but I want to. I want to know about the entire body of work. There are many of us.
I did tell her about lovefraud. I hope she passes it on.
I want to do a long post about the ‘female spath’. It is just hard to get ‘there’, I spend a lot of time pushing it away, ’cause other things need my attention.
I realized that other night that it has been 3 months since the spath was in my life daily, less than two that in found out ‘he’ definitely didn’t die (nor the rest of sock puppets), and one month since I knew that he was a she, a serial con, and spath extraordinaire.
the hardest thing, besides the mess of my life re housing and work, is that i am very isolated. i feel like i am living a double life. i have all this turmoil and shit inside of me on a daily basis and there aren’t many i can speak to about this. I am very much an inside on the outside person, so this is damned hard on my nerves. but i also know that I can’t tell folks about this in general.
My 2 friends who have gone through my whole experience with the drama/ trauma of the boy, don’t really want to hear it. i try not to talk about it much, but then i feel even more isolated. i am a bit pissed with them actually. it’s not going to go away faster if they ignore it. it just makes me feel unstable in those relationships, too.
I was in a meeting the other day and i watched the behavior of two of the principals – i was interacting with them, but still watching them, and i was thinking, ‘gaslight, gaslight.’
in a debriefing after the meeting, I said as much…i didn’t share HOW i knew what they were doing, but i did talk about the mechanism, and what it was meant to do.
I had my laptop between them and me and I was glad of it – cause i could see things on my desktop, that grounded me – like the folder labelled, ‘BULLSHIT’ (for the spath’s stuff), and the one labelled, ‘NOMOREBS’.
I’ll be back . 😉
one step