You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Twice Betrayed,
If your horse says “NO,” you either asked the wrong question, or asked the question wrong . . . Pat Parelli.
There are two reasons for a damaged or dangerous horse, either there is neglect/abuse in its past or there is ineffective handling/training. A horse does not lie, conspire, or pretend to be something it isn’t. By their very nature, horses live in the reality of now. It is humans, by their very nature, who do not. Some humans cannot get beyond their own psychology to be able to communicate honestly with a horse. Some don’t even try.
Just a comment by a very long-ago member who shares an association with horses and says “hay.”
Benzthere
Hey Benzthere,
Hello fellow horse lover! Ahhhh, nice! Thanks for this!
“Hay” to you!! *Remember the wild horses and the roundup now going on out west!
There is just sooo much to be learned by the animals! The silent bond…nothing like it! I had a horse[one of the ones I lost tragically] that saved my life once…put himself in the way of danger for me! No human has ever done that….especially my PX’s….
I always said if I could find a gentleman like my black horse….whom I called Gentleman Joe…[we took him from a former high stakes Mesquite roping horse that would shake when he saw a cow….from high pressure ‘training’ and performance- to a 5th level unflawed dressage horse. BEAUTIFUL! My horses taught me about loyalty, respect and bonding more than I ever received at home. Really, I think these P’s live below the animals!
The book “All about me” has already been written by God, it’s called the Bible–LOL so I hate to tell your X-friend that he not only is NOT God, he is NOT DOG either, he lacks all the charactistics of EITHER God or Dog, starting out with LOYALTY and A LOVING HEART—however, he can write on called “I am just like Satan” and he would qualify for that one. LOL
Thank you TB, right now though I am not feeling very WISE. Funny thing is, everytime I THINK I am starting to “get it” and get my “chit all in one sock” something hits me between the eyes like a sledge hammer and I realize AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN just how IN DENIAL I AM about this or that, and when I think I have accepted TRUTH all the way around, eliminated all the TRULY dysfunctional people out of my life, BINGO here comes another LESSON and another DECISION I have to make about HOW MUCH CHIT I WILL TAKE FROM EVEN SOMEONE I LOVE?
Sometimes I feel like Job in the Bible when he was sitting alone except for his “friends”and his wife who were telling him that “he brought it all on himself” or to “curse God and die” cause your life isn’t worth living, get it over with. Job like Viktor Frankl lost EVERYTHING but his faith. I’ve never really been sure about the different “lessons” in that story…one of course is “bad things can happen to even good people who follow God’s teachings and people who do RIGHT” Maybe they are if nothing else, lessons to the rest of us to teach us. I’m not sure.
‘
But I do know that even reading some of these old “morality plays” in the Bible, I have had NEW INSIGHTS after the 100th time of reading it that I didn’t see the first 99 times I read it.
Like the forgiveness does NOT equal restroing trust in the story of Joseph, when he encountered his brothers that sold him into slavery. He didn’t IMMEDIATELY trust them, even though he HAD FORGIVEN THEM, he TESTED them pretty harshly to see what theyy would do when the CHIPS WERE DOWN and they would have to CHOOSE betweeen hurting their father by letting Benjamin be enslaved, or if they would SACRIFICE THEIR OWN LIVES rather than hurt their father by allowinjg Benjamin to be taken from him as well as Joseph.
They passed the test, thus showing that they had CHANGED during the 20-30 years that had passed since they sold Joseph into slavery (instead of killing him as they first planned) out of JEALOUSY ETC.
You can also look at it too, that their father treated them UNFAIRLY by preferring the two younger brothers to the 10 older ones just because he had loved their molther and not the mothers of the older ten. In a way, Jacob (the father) by his own unfairness to his sons, and treatinjg and loving the two “golden boys” brought this grief upon himself by provoking the older sons to jealousy.
Doesn’t EXCUSE their selling their younger brother into slavery of course, but shows that we can be “provoked” by unfair treatment to be UNFAIR AND MEAN ourselves. Doesn’t excuse us for doing that either even if we were “provoked.”
Dysfunction BREEDS dysfunction and pain on everyone’s part.
Taking responsibility for our actions (no matter how we are unjustlyy provoked) is what it is all about. I am sure that Joseph was thoroughly pithed about being jerked up from being the GOLDEN CHILD of an elderly father into being a SLAVE, and he could have been bitter and taken the opportunity to have slept with his owner’s wife, but he DID WHAT WAS RIGHT, and even in prison, he acted honorably and rightly even though he was INNOCENT OF ANY WRONG DOING.
In the end, it all turned out for the “best.” Funny thing though, after his father died in Egypt, the brothers all got AFRAID of him because they expected him to PUNISH THEM as soon as daddy was dead—maybe because that would have been what “most people” would have done? Interesting and enlightening story how ever you look at it, lots of interesting lessons there in HUMAN NATURE AND THINKING.
So, now that I have had my pityparty, and my self-bashing, and my second-guessing and all that crap that goes along with a lesson that we REALLY REALLY need to learn…and realized that sometimes we get too prideful and think we are smarter than we are—of as Jesus said “Let hiim who thinketh he stand, take heed, least he fall.” I thought I was standing SECURELY on the TOP OF THE ROCK and it crumbled under my feet…throwing me down into the abyss of pain, self pity, and all the other misery that goes along with a sense of “loss” or a sense of “putting our happiness” in other’s hands and allowing someone else’s behavior to wreck our emotional lives.
Oxy: good job….thinking about it! No pain/no gain….ah yes, tis true! Bummer……LOL
RE: Job. Dr. J. Vernon McGee [ttb.org] said Job had a lesson coming because, while he was a good man….he was self righteous.
Hello all…I haven’t been posting much on a regular basis of my personal situation, but I have continued reading. I find I need to come here on a regular basis both to see how everyone is doing and to continue learning.
My son as some of you know did officially move out right after his 17th B-day. He moved into one of his friends homes. His friends step-dad did call me to inform me that they were taking him in. And although I DON’T believe that they are ill intending people I DO consider this to be an enabeling decision on their part.
My sons leaving home at 17 was against my wishes, against my better judgement and without my permission. And I made this perfectly clear to the step father of my sons friend. My feelings about this situation did not weigh heavily on their decision to take him in. And I believe the decision to take him in was pretty well made before they even talked to me. To be fair though, I believe they are decent people. And I believe, they think they are doing the right thing. I know my sons mind set and he can be VERY convincing when he wants to be.
My sons “story” to these people, whatever it might be must be quite the story. I have NO DOUBT that my sons story is heavily “peppered” with his mother (me) having some major issues. Without any mention to them of the issues he himself has. (naturally)
And I find it somewhat perplexing that they are not motivated (because they are ADULTS) to want to know more of what I have to say about the problems here at home (the other ADULT in the situation) and are taking him in based more on what my son and their son are telling them the “story” is.
My biggest fear of my son living there is that quite frankly these people have NO IDEA what they have gotten themselves into. And because I am still responsible for him until he is 18 years old (legally) this concerns me on many levels.
Since he has lived with them so far during Christmas break things have been pretty low key….He has internet service over there, so he is happy, he stays up all night long, this also makes him happy. He has “buffaloed” them to some degree and I am sure this makes him happy. All is well….For now.
One of my many concerns that I asked my son before he left was how he was going to get to school? My son goes to school on a different schedule than any of the other high schoolers because of his NON compliance in his regular classes.
My son told me to butt out. How he got to school was none of my business…….I recall him saying he would walk if he had to rather than stay here.
Well Sunday EVE guess who I recieved a call from? (night before first day back at school) My son asking if I will take him to school the next day? We had well over a foot of snow over the last few days and he lives much farther from school that he did when he lived here……I guess, “walking to school” in 16 inches of snow isn’t looking so good to him anymore.
And honestly he lives to far to walk now. He lives in school bus territory now. School buses are no longer available to students that live within walking distance in our school district. He couldn’t be a bus rider if he lived here at home even if he wanted to.
My answer was easy because I still HAD 16 inches of snow in my driveway and hadn’t been able to get out for 3 days. I said it would be impossible for me to get out. He hung up.
Calls back a few minutes later and says that the step-dad asked that if they come “snow blow” me out of my drive way, could I take him? This was a BIG TRIGGER for me…..Because now I feel like I am still being manipulated by my son, just that he is has changed his address. And the two adults living at this address are behind the phone call. The adults in this situation should have been THINKING for two weeks how he was going to get to school. Not figuring it out the night before…..That was my first reaction…
As calmly as possible I told my son that I was going to hang up the phone with him and I would call the step dad to further this discussion. But I wasn’t feeling calm. I had to try and seperate my emotion, and it was very difficult.
BECAUSE this is just the BEGINING…..Of a bad situation.
I couldn’t think straight. However by the time I talked to the step dad they had the ride problem solved for Monday and Tuesday. And now I was being asked to provide the rides for Wed, Thur and Fri. I told him I would get back to him.
For me once I calmed down and looked at the big picture, I could identify what triggered me and more importantly what is the right thing for me to do.
It isn’t about the ride…..It isn’t about my sons manipulations in the past, present or future. It is more about the fact that this is just the begining of a whole new “set” of problems that I am going to have to learn to deal with. (from afar) And somehow, this being the FIRST issue to present itself since he has moved away from home, it seemed very IMPORTANT for me to to set the tone of how I was going to deal with them.
After alot of soul searching I decided that there are MANY things out of my control. He left home at 17. The law is grey from 17-18 in my state he is not considered a runaway, yet still a minor. People took him in w/o my permission. State law clearly states I am still responsible for him until he is 18 regardless if he is in my home or not.
The situation is what it is. And I have to make the best of it.
However, I also need to do the right thing when I make decisions about his welfare.
And I have decided that in order to do this I can’t make my decisions based on emotions.
I have come to the conclusion that my son is making some BIG choices here that have consequences for everyone involved. The other family, myself and naturally himself.
I will not enabel him or this family for the decisions either of them have made. This family “took him in” and in doing so have accepted some responsibility.
My son has MADE this choice and he should LIVE in the choice he made.
The taxi cab service that I provided for him was when he lived here. And he doesn’t live here any more. I don’t mean this in a spiteful way…But more as a factual thing. I don’t know of many situations in life where you can have it both ways…..Have your cake and eat it to.
MY problem is that although I have it all in my head straight to some degree…..I always have problems ARTICULATING this to the step father or to the school or to…..(fill in the blank)
I feel like I am not delivering what I have to say in a factual way and it is recieved wrong. It sounds spiteful or emotional or ????
I would like any suggestions or any feedback whatsoever anyone has on the entire situation. Because this is only the begining….Why do I feel I have to EXPLAIN myself to these people? Or better said in my case over explain? Is it because I might feel they have already “judged and condemed me?”
Kathleen…I love your short and sweet “this doesn’t work for me”…However how to deliver that sounding sweet other than bitchy?
Dear TB,
who knows? That may be the case with Job, I do know that he had a pity party about as bad as I DID, and maybe I have also felt “self righteous” because I was getting “better” and seeing things more in the light of reality and less in Denial, but the bottom line is I was SEEING SOME things in my life through a pair of rose colored glasses and breaking my arm patting myself on the back for seeing the things I was seeing. LOL
Maybe that is why I have bone spur in one of my shoulders from over using that arm to pat myself on the back–or to swing the skillet for someone else’s denial that I could see and NOT see my own!
Take the LOG out of your OWN eye before you try to take the splinter out of some one else’s.
A good dose of HUMILITY doesn’t hurt ANY of us I believe, and God knows I have needed more than ONE LESSON. I have flunked a bunch of classes and lessons I should have gotten and many times I have thought I WAS HEALED, when obviously I may have gotten over the worst of the grief of a SITUATION, but I sure as heck did NOT SEE the BIG PATTERN in my OWN DENIAL AND MY OWN LIFE, or the lives of those I was allowing to abuse me while still trying to get them to LOVE ME and still trying to “fix” the SITUATION.
I don’t think any of us, and ME for sure, ever reach the healing, but we can only journey toward it, work toward it, and improve, but never reach a level where we are 100% functioning the way we would like, where we have 100% of dytsfunction out of OUR lives. We only STRIVE TOWARD that goal, but we ain’a’gonna reach it! And if we think we have, we need to get a dose of humility and get back on the right track.
I am feeling more energetic today and have started cleaning out the bedroom where C stayed while he was here. Vacuuming, dusting, putting some of my books back on the shelves in there and uncrowding other shelves in the house that I had put stuff ton to make room for him and his stuff. It is not painful to go into that room now, and it doesn’t feel “empty” in there, I am taking back that “space” as my own (it is my “spare bedroom” for guests before he moved home, and that will be nice that guests can sleep in the house instead of have to go out to the RV or sleep on the floor or the couch.)
I also went through my BIG library of books (I am a “book-aholic”) and sorted them into “give to this person” or “give to that person” or “keep” or “throw away” and so have really gotten into more DE-cluttering of my life. I can’t keep on bringing in more books and not taking any out, though I DO reread books and have a large library of REFERENCE books that II do keep and will hang on to as they are like a fire extinguisher, when you NEED THEM they need to be there but you don’t use them often!
Just being calm enough and so on that I don’t feel “empty” when I go into that room is a BIG improvement I think on my way to ACCEPTANCE of what IS and also of being able to TAKE BACK the space I had lent him without feeling overly sad or empty myself.
Reminds me one time I took in the adult kid of a hired hand of ours, and the kid was a couch surfer, and had run out of couches to “surf” and came here literally begging a meal as he had not eatenn in 2-3 days. I told him the rules as they applied to him, “first–no work, no eat; secondly, to be cooperative and pleasant to everyone.”
I fed him and assigned him some work for the next day while I was gone to my job, and when I came home that next day he was weed eating with a sour look on his face and I said something to him, like “how was your day?” or something like that and he SNAPPED at me nasty, really nasty. I turned and walked off and said to (I know, I SHOULD HAVE HANDLED IT DIRECTLY) his father, “You know, your son is being NASTY TO ME and I am going to ask him to leave if he does it again.” (see, I was trying to not have to confront it, telling his father to fix him) and his father replied to me, sort of snotty too, “WELL! You two are just going to have to stay away from each other, he says you talk nasty to HIM”
It sort of hit me between the eyes then, I NEED TO AVOID THIS KID ON MY OWN PROPERTY WHY? WAIT A BLOOMING MINUTE, WHO HAS TO GET ALONG WITH WHOM HERE? WHO IS DOING WHO THE FAVOR BY GIVING THIS KID AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A ROOF OVER HIS HEAD AND 3 SQUARES? LOL
Well, needless to say, I went to the boy and had a “come to Jesus meeting” with him and told him that he had to be pleasant to me or get the hell gone. He eventually got his belly full and quit thinking he had to work for his food and shelter, so he left here to mooch off one of his friends who wouldn’t require that he work or do anything in exchange for a meal and a place to sleep.
I ended up telling his father eventually “how the cow ate the cabbage,” as my grandfather would have said and sent him packing too. The apple had not fallen too far from the tree.
It is amazing how a sense of “entitlement” to treat others poorly seems to be inbred into some people, and a sense that others can walk over you like a door matt is inbred in some of the rest of us. (ME in particular)
I am no longer feeling “guilty” about standing up to that kid, even if it means he leaves here and rides “shanks mare” (walks) 20 miles to the next town or hitch hikes, or goes hungry, he is not going to put his feet under my table even if he DOES WORK and be nasty to me. Don’t bite the had that feeds you. LOL I’ve put up with a lot of crap from bosses I didn’t like and smiled cause I NEEDED THE JOB. LOL
Oxy: you are just so funny!!!! I agree….I think life is one long journey and lessons learned over and over….I know for me it sure is. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I crawl…sometimes I fall back and I very rarely run! 😉 But, as C. S. Lewis said: .” Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn. ..”
Dear Witsend,
These people have PUT THEMSELVES IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING THAT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS….
If they were TRULY CONCERNED about your “poor mistreated son” they should have called CHILD WELFARE and gotten the kid into a FOSTER HOME.
What makes them thinkk this is ANY of THEIR AFFAIR. I think you mentioned that their own kid in school has already gotten a girl preggers, so they are NOT doing such a “hot job” of parenting the kid that they ARE RESPONSIBLE for.
Yes, I agree with you that once your son leaves your house, the CONSEQUENCES to that choice are that YOU no longer provide all the “services” you would provide to him if he lived in your home. By taking him in, those people have made themselves “responsible” for the problems that your son encounters because he chose to leave and they chose to take him in.
I think, I would say Kathy’s phrase” (this does’t work for me”) sort of like this, in a sweet tone of voice, “I did not force my son to leave, he left against my will, and I did not ask you to take him in, which you chose to do without consulting me, though my relationship with my son is none of your affair. Partly because you gave him a place to stay, I have no control over how my son behaves, and I do not intend to continue to provide benefits to him, when he will not obey the rules and disrespects me.”
Then, let me ask, WHY do you care what these people think of YOU? To start with, they are obviously NOT parents of the year, their own kid has lots of problems. Secondly, they are obviously ENABLERS, poking their noses in where they have no right or responsibility to interfeer. So, since we know they are not (however well intentioned) acting very functionally or like RESPONSIBLE ADULTS then I think what they think is not really important.
The SMEAR CAMPAIGN of the psychopaths is TYPICAL and GULLIBLE people believe the stuff they say. These people may be “gullible” but they are also “dysfunctional enablers” who are JUDGING YOU WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE EXCEPT THE LIES YOUR SON TELLS. If they were very smart theyy would NEVER take the LONE word of a teenager as “proof” that you are a bad person or bad parent. There are HOT LINES that a run away or “throw away” teenager can call and get a place to stay in most major cities, so if your son is being so abused by you, you might look up the phone number for your son and his enablers and suggest that he can go to one of those shelters.
Witty, you can only do what you can do, and your son has TIED your hands, but I think you need to stick to your guns and get out of the FOG–fear obligation and guilt. You have done nothing to feel guilty for, and you have done your best to ful fill your obligation to your son, to be a parent and set rules. ((((hug))))
WITS:
I think your doing just as I would…..
Your right….if these people the other parents were really looking to ‘help’…..they would have called you and set up a meeting with you prior to taking son in. What they are doing is sidestepping you and your authority, confirming to son that he’s doing it all right….
SO….they want him….they can have him…..taxi service and all…..warts, zits and bad attitude when THEY won’t provide whatever he feels he “needs’ carte blanc…..
They are NOT trying to ‘work’ with you…..they want you to make your kids life easy…..
I’m with ya……keep your cool, remain calm and in control and when they approach you……point this out…..that they have never aproached you to see what was really going on…..and how they could ‘help’ the situation.
“this doesn’t work for me—However how to deliver that sounding sweet other than bitchy?
SPEAK IN A SOFT TONE….WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE and a bounce in your step!!!!!
In my late husband’s papers I found a quote he had written down (I can’t now remember the origin) but it was’
LIFE IS A TOUGH TEACHER, SHE GIVES THE TEST FIRST AND THE LESSON AFTERWARDS.
Boy-O-boy! Is that the TRUTH!!!! I have flunked the tests over and over and then NOT gotten the lessons either, but I am working on it, and each time I learn a little more.
Yep, I am crawling along that path toward healing and sometimes I step into a pot hole, fall off the road into the swamp of despair and darkness, or even wander off the road listening to a Siren’s song that lures me away from the “straight and narrow path” toward healing. The differences now is that I AM getting SOME of the lessons and when I do fall off the path, I do my best to claw my way back toward the path as soon as I reallize I have strayed.
I need to find some middle ground between BOINKING myself on the head and patting myself on the back though. LOL ROTFLMAO But what can you, or any of us, do except learn and forgive ourselves our flaws, and try to correct them in the future?