You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy: that’s a good quote too.
Yep, life is Pilgrim’s Progress…….*groan.
Wits: sorry…I don’t have anything of value to offer regarding your situation… ((((hugs!)))))
Witsend,
Not to be too blunt about this, but your answer is no. You already know that. You’re trying to figure out the right way to say it.
I think Oxy has it down pretty well. I might do a slight rewrite of a few lines.
“I did not force my son to leave, he left against my will, and you chose to take him in. You have meddled in my life and my ability to oversee my son’s behavior without consulting me. At the moment, I am not taking action against you, but I am certainly not participating in this arrangement. This is your responsibility now. I’m sure either you or the school board can figure out a way to get him back and forth to school.”
If they press it, say, “No, this is not convenient or doable for me. I managed it when he lived at home, along with dealing with his other issues. But I am not going out of my way to enable his behavior and your interference. However, I can promise you that if he’s not in school, you will be held responsible.”
I think that’s pretty clear. And that’s what you want to be. You don’t intend to be suckered by people who have no respect for your position as his mother and no apparent grasp on the fact that they are way out of line. Nor do you intend to allow them to disrupt your son’s education.
In other words, let them live with their decision.
By the way, if he is in the busing zone, the district will probably have to arrange for his transportation. But let them sort that one out. And in the meantime, let the school know what happened and give them his new address, so they know where to call if he doesn’t show up.
And enjoy the break.
Kathy
You know, Witty, I wonder if you donj’t get any cooperation from them on this is you could consult an attorney about THEIR INTERFERENCE and AFTER you consult with the attorney, there night be some suit you could file (or threaten to anyway) about them intereering with your son’s safety and education.l
You have already proven to have TRIED everything in the world to get him to go to school. YOu consulted the school, the school counselor etc. so there is proof that you consulted and tried.’
Might be something to think about. Put them on the defensive if nothing else.
witsend,
You are in my thoughts. You have a good head on your shoulders and wise council here.
one step
Oxy, Erin and Kathleen and all,
Thanks for all of your wise words of wisdom. Kathy I did already tell them no. I just didn’t say it the way I wished I might have said it. Firm, direct, and to the point.
One of the first things my son did today when he was at school was to hack into my edline account and deleate it so I don’t have access to his grades! LOL.
And I recieved an automated email from edline that on todays date my acount was deleted from _____(school name)
And so I innocently (NOT) called the school to find out WHY the school would delete this account and NOT provide me with this information. Imagine my surprise (sarcasm) to find that my son was responsible for this.
These people have alot to learn about their new house guest.
Witty
Yes you ABSOLUTELY have done the right thing in refusing to Kow Tow to his demands. let the “enabling” family find out what the little shit is really like, and my guess is it wont take them long! You have to FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! and your doing it. Good for you! he is still trying to manipulate you from a distance DONTallow him to. I suggest that you meet with the enabling parents WITHOUT the little turd being present, and give them a to z of your honest take on the whole situation, how they have been gaslighted,{you can even explain to them what it means, LOL!}Make it very clear to them that THEY are now, by their choice, responsible for your sons life, NOT you.TELL them what a manipulative little liar he is TELL them what he has put you through, for years.They then havea choice as to whether they believe you or the little shit. And my guess is in a few weeks, the scales will fall from their eyes, and they will kick him to the kerb! When this happens,{and it will!} DO NOT take him back.!! If possible in this time, use this precious breathing space to either move, or change the locks, get a fierce dog, and put some sign up, “Trespassers will be eaten!.” You have to STEEL your heart against them, I know how hard this is, draw on your inner Spath, be “Bloody, bold, and resolute! Dont let the little shit win! Love, and {{HUGS}}} Gem. XXXAlso dont allow your self for a moment to feel sorry for him. ITS ALL HIS CHOICE.
Oh my you ladies have been busy! I have some catching up to do!
kathy I love your comment about whores to culture – what a great line! And I see your x didn’t change at all no matter how much money, love, learning and assistance you gave him.
Now for the kicker. My P ex is ALSO a writer – well a wannabe one anyway. He thinks he’s going to make it big in film but insists on writing crap no studio will touch. He is so arrogant that he thinks he has natural talent and reading a few books and articles online about directing will teach him all there is to know. He knows nothing about acting, pretty much nothing about screenwriting and even less about directing. What he can do is handle a camera and basic editing. His day job is quite mundane and in a related field. I took on to help him out early on in the relationship – equipped him with a laptop and camera and roving producer (I organised everything!). I also took screenwriting papers and classes and read everything I could on structure. He on the other hand thought he could cruise on natural talent.
We got involved in projects together ie me organising everything and him blaming me for anything that went wrong. I would write the scripts only to have him complain about them and ruin them with friends who knew even less. I would organise the actors and venues – more complaints about them. And even basic funding.
Since I split with him he has done …. drumroll please … nothing. He tried doing a ‘devised’ short using MY characters and MY concept and scenario, but when I asked him about it months later he said ‘It’s no good – the actors were crap – they just didn’t give me what I needed’ Oh how I laughed. Oh how I laughed. I said ‘Oh so it wasn’t me effing everything up? I don’t see you achieving too much on your own now.’
The irony is he could be really great but any entertainment venture requires dedication to editing and rewriting, business acumen to secure and utilise funding and promotion skills to get the project headed somewhere. In many years of hell with him (this hobby took up every waking hour and was an excuse for not participating in any aspect of the relationship) he has not entered a single short into a festival anywhere. I mean come on they have festivals for KIDS for heavens sakes. Another example of all talk and no action. No matter what assistance I give him, he will mess it up. I am so glad to be out of it now = I read on fb the other night about the latest venture and cringed – another flop that will be blamed on everyone but the person it should be. His failure is just plain embarrassing. By his age if he was any good he should be onto features and tv projects – instead he’s making backyard shorts with his buddies with no budget (and it shows). It’s all an impossible dream.
Your ex may be publishing along the same themes of failure, desolation and social isolation but at least he is churning out stuff. To watch someone just waste time with projects that go nowhere is hard – at least I don’t have to wrestle with his impossible dreams anymore – his crazy chaotic schemes are no longer in my life. His ideas are crap – all art housey kind of things rather than content driven relationship pieces – but knowing what he is that makes sense. He can’t write anything with any depth because he has none. He can’t write about emotion because he doesn’t understand it beyond mimicry. And he always for some reason has to sabotage himself – I have read this is another way of ‘winning’ – if it never goes on show then he never has to take the chance of failure and can blame the flop on someone else. It’s sad but I can picture him at sixty still doing the same old stuff and because he still has that charm he’s been able to rope in a whole new bunch of suckers to serve him on his crazy adventures. Wonder how they’ll all feel about their donated time when their work never makes it past the cutting room floor?
On the upside I AM writing a book … and intend to get it published. I do pay attention to detail and structure unlike him and will take the time necessary to craft it carefully. He won’t like the content if he ever sees it though – this time it really is all about him … but not in the way he hoped lol
Witsend I second what everyone else has said – your son has made his bed and needs to take the natural consequences of his actions – what a cheek – leaving against your will and then expecting you to play taxi for him from another location! Those people who took him in probably thought they were just giving him a bed for a few nights – teenagers can be relied on to never tell the right tale. Maybe when they are informed of the responsibilities they now hold, they will back right out of the situation. Would it be worth making an anonymous call to Child Welfare for some information on your rights and responsibilities in this situation? It is quite complex and I am sure the people who took him in won’t feed him forever for free.
This must be very hard for you to deal with – you are betwixt and between having responsibility and him taking it away from you. I have a colleague going through a similar situation with her son – he now lives with a family member but springboards back home every now and then when he messes it up. It’s heartbreaking to see his mum so worried and upset about him. He dropped out of school, dropped out of several alternative programmes and is now drifting and in with a bad crowd. At this rate he will never be able to support himself through gainful employment and will probably turn to a life of crime – he is impulsive though with symptoms of ADD. There is just no support for families going through these tough times.
Re the hacking – perhaps the school should be alerted to the fact he has hacked somehow – can they trace where he did it from? Isn’t this an incidence of fraud?
Dear Polly
The concept of him sabatoging himsself that you mentioned was also mentioned by Dr. Eric Berne, can’t remember which book, but it was a “game” called “If it weren’t for you, I’d be a great _________” (fill in the blank) and a person who wants to do something but either doesn’t actually have the wants never the less to “be” something, finds someone to blame for their failure. For example a woman who wanted to be a professional dancer but was afraid to try and fail married a man who wanted a stay at home mom for the kids. So she can always say “If it weren’t for John, I would have been a wonderful professional dancer and she can always RESENT him for “keeping her” from her “dreams.”
Sounds like your X had you to “blame” for his failures, now he will have to find someone else.
I am so glad that you have gotten away from this creep! (((Hugs))))
pollyannanomore and all,
These people had to be aware that my son was staying for more than a few days because he took everything that he owns to their house. And they were his transport. I didn’t move him “in” over there.
My son although he is young and not a full grown adult “disorder”, he can be very charming and very convincing and very manipulative.. Just like the “adult” version. Make no mistake. He “worked” this whole situation with these people and I know that.
THEY are clueless as to what lies beneath this charming exterior.
And my guess is that he will do ok over there for a period of time. When things are going his way, and he is in “control” (even if it is just him PERCIEVING that he is in control) he is able to coast along. The “mask” will come off only if and when they confront him or back him into a corner and expect him to take responsibility for something he has done.
Last year my son was doing very poorly in school. And it progressed to the point where he just SHUT DOWN and didn’t hand in any of his work. I kept contacting the school with my concerns. But not much was done about it.
By the second semester he was SLEEPING in all of his classes. Not ONE of his 5 teachers emailed me to inform me of this. Nor did any one of the teachers send him to the office for this. (that being the LEAST of what they could have done) Because then the office would have informed me. That is policy when your kid is sent to the office.
At my last teachers conference of the year EVERY one of those teachers informed me that he was sleeping in their class an a daily basis. I had 5 teachers to see, and by my 3rd conference I was in tears. I finally asked the one teacher that I had alot of respect for (until this) WHY she allowed him to sleep in her class? WHY she didn’t wake him up? Was he disruptive…? Then send him to the office. She said no, he wasn’t disruptive. He just sat there and didn’t do anything in her class. NON performance. It was easier to just let him sleep.
From my sons perspective (his distorted thinking) he had “control” over the teachers and of course me as well. I could get him to school everyday but NO ONE could make him do his work. He would “show us”. And HE DID.
And my son to this DAY believes in his distorted thinking that the reason he flunked all of his classes last year was because his teachers “had it out” for him. He takes NO responsibility for this.
And as much as I DON’T agree with how his sleeping in class was handled by the teachers…. I should have been informed. He should have been sent to the office. I ALSO know how absolutely DRAINING my son can be on a person. No matter what you might try to do for him to “help himself” it is NEVER enough. So I understand that for these teachers that had him all year by the second semester it was just “easier” for them to just LET him sleep, because if he was awake he wouldn’t perform anyways. It doesn’t make it right what they did, but I can understand it. They became so frustrated with him and so
TIRED & DRAINED dealing with him on a daily basis. They can’t necessarily put their finger on what is “wrong” with my son, but I am sure to some degree they don’t want to either. They just know something isn’t “right” and have to many other kids to deal with to care much.
Just like those teachers last year and my sons “story” of how they all had it “out for him” and that is why he failed all of his classes…..I am a BIG part of his story as well. I am the “terrible mother”. I am the reason he had to move out of the house at 17, because he can’t possibly live here anymore…He has it so bad.
The real problem that exist here is that he doesn’t LIVE in reality. HE BELIEVES that I am a terrible mother, and he believes he can’t pass his classes because the teachers are all against him. This is HIS reality because this is what he believes it to be. He is delusional. BUT I have NO DOUBT in my mind that his delusions and his lies are his TRUTH. That is his perception of what is real.
That is the very SAD side of this whole thing. His anger and hatred for me is very REAL. Just as his anger towards his teachers last year was real. And in his distorted way of thinking and processing he feels justified to feel this anger and hatred because to him it is REAL. He can’t give love and he is UNABLE to recieve it either. He Doesn’t FEEL the love or concern anyone might have for him. I can see that as PLAIN as day. It is actually quite frightening to see this in your own child.
As his mother I have seen this manifest over the past two years. And it has progressed very quickly.
And I actually can even somewhat understand that these people who took him in are wondering what the HELL is WRONG with this mother that this kid has all this hatred and anger for her?
I always try to put myself in other peoples shoes. And I REALLY had to try HARD to put myself in these peoples shoes that took him in. Because so much of it didn’t make sense to me.
Why they would take on such responsibility? And the only thing that makes any sense to me is that they sensed his deep anger and hatred for me. And their thinking might be along the lines of, why would a child hate his own mother? Your heart would go out to the child….Not the mother. That would be a natural response. And it is possible that this is why they were not very interested in the problems at home from my perspective. And took him in without enough “adult to adult” communication.
At this time I can’t possibly know what these people are thinking. Although I have tried to put myself in their shoes. I do know my son well enough to know that whatever he tried to convince them of, he was sucessful.
I have chosen to try and make the best of this situation. And actually be able to take a break from the every day “drama” & crazymaking that he brought into my life when he was living here.
Because I know that this to shall pass. I could find all of his stuff on my front porch, returned by his enabelers and him returned as well. The school could call with some “new situation”. The OTHER shoe will fall. It always does. It is just a matter of time.