You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Runnning,
Glad I helped you some, my “egg donor” is what you call your mother, my “sperm donor” is who you would call your father. Neither of them earned the respectful terms “father or motehr” in my estimation, but they did give me their DNA.
I know you love your sister, and would like to help her, but unfortunately if she is still emotionally duped by your mother, your mother will USE that to get information and so you are not safe sharing information with your sister right now, I would thinnk.
At one time my oldest son C was duped by my egg donor, by my P-son (his brother) and also his P-wife, and it was not safe for me to be around him or to tell him anything. It broke my heart because I loved him so much and hated to see him caught in this 3-spider web, but there was nothing I could do, so I distanced myself from him and loved him from a safe distance.
I think you may have to do that with your sister. You cannot FIX her any more than she can fix your mother. I think you must focus on YOURSELF first and foremost and heal yourself before you work on anything else. We tend to put ourselves last and try to save others, and unfortunately, EACH OF US must save THEMSELVES. We may float someone a life preserver, but it is up to them to grasp that information and grab the live preserver, we can’t swim out there into the deep and drag them kicking and screaming against their wills to safety, even if we could, they would dive right back into the surf. they must see the need to get out and then swim for themselves. Unfortunately, even dupes don’t always see the need to get away from the abusers.
I am glad your sister is getting therapy and maybe she will “get it” but that is out of your control. YOU are the only thing in your own control. So focus on healing yourself, and staying distant from your sister, but you can love her from a distance. Pray for her. (((hugs))))
crap – just lost my whole post…
essentially, i wouldn’t have survived this last year if i didn’t compartmentalize, AND it probably kept me hanging in their longer with the spath….and all the @.......#$%^&* spath’s I have known.
if i don’t compartmentalize the trauma and the mess of my life right now I get so overwhelmed I freeze in fright. My ability to compartmentalize has eroded – i spend a lot of time trying to get stuff into boxes.
I went to a college ope nouse to find aout a program, a career path I am really interested in. A permanent way out of my current financial situatation. And i relaized as i sat there doing the math that I did not have enough working years to pay off the sizable loans. and this meant>No career in that sector>no money> no savings for retirement> baglady. I am at risk of homelessness now and if I don’t compartmentalize this stuff I will go mad.
Things have gotten worse and worse the last few years – nothing like injury and bad economy (in this town long before the economy tanked last year)…things compound, i swim to survive, but i keep sinking down further.
i think compartmentalization is a tool; we need to know when to use the wrench and when to use the screwdriver.
one step, who is feeling way sorry for herself today.
I remember when he and I were together saying to my mom and friends “I feel like if I let him jump inside of my body or pocket and carry him around everyday, he’d be the most content”.
I also remember saying “I feel like he’s ON me”, literally…like I couldnt get him off of me as he just leeched onto everything I did…from his clothing style, to his motivation at the gym, to how he carried himself, to how he treated people.
It was strange…like he watched how I did things and mimicked ME, but presented himself as if this was really how HE was! Im getting creeped out more and more each time I post something…
Thank you lovefraud blog and everyone who responds. I really do need this to continue on the path of healing, closure and maintaing my stance of NO CONTACT!!!
r babe –
this mimicry was noted by another poster here. wish i could remember who – staying sane or maybe stargazer??
i felt it too in my situation – a familiarity that might otherwise have felt nice with someone else, but was a slow blooming creepiness with the spath.
others here have said that they take what we present and mirror it back to manipulate (this would be the hooking us phase of the process) and also to pretend to have some shininess of their own.
i have the same thing around posting – sometimes i get quite triggered by writing and reading here, and sometimes i am REALLY paranoid that she might be reading my writing. hard for me that this is online. i’d rather sit in a room with everyone.
I don’t know how she is going to react if i out her online, or if i give evidence against her. so when i read the nightmares that people endure when they out them, it freaks me out. but i need to know what people expereince, and i need to take a ong hard look at my goals and motivations and decide what is necessary and important and what is just feeding my ego.
One_step…
It sounds as if she still has some control over you. Maybe ask yourself “So what if she reacts to something posted online”…it doesnt seem to me that your “job” is to provide her with comfort and coziness.
Where does this fear come from relating to you ‘outing’ her? What is your relationship “status” and what are the consequences (in your mind) if you expose your reality with her?
I hid quite a bit (mostly that ‘princess’ had been locked up for 2 years and had a child he had never seen) from my extended family at the cost of continuously being on guard and bordering paranoia, fearing he’d be ‘found out’. What crap!
It is easy to sorta ‘follow the rules’ of living with /dating/whatever the sociopath because they are soooo smooth. There is a covert fear that is instilled in the ‘victims’ as we dont want to have to ‘deal’ with all the wrath and aftermath (whether it be tantrums, silent treatment, lies, etc) if we cross a line…after all, we are SUPPOSED TO BE loyal to the sociopath NO MATTER WHAT!
hi r babe:
i am definitely not trying to supply her with comfort and coziness. i don’t have a sense of obligation to her. it’s not about her, its about my wanting a spath free life.
she DOES have a history of waging nasty smear campaigns.
I am not trying to protect her, but me.
she has threatened me in relation to work. she might be able to do me some harm there, and i cannot risk that.
she has threatened to do me physical harm – i don’t think that that would ever happen. she lives far from me and she’d have to haul herself here.
i am not in relationship with her. not completely nc cause i know a bit about what she is doing online as someone is watching her for me, but have changed all my contact info so she can’t get to me at home.
Steve, another stellar piece that hits home with me…thank you! I was famous for this. I think I actually became one of the trees in the forest. It prolonged my enabling, my denial and ultimately the amount of time he spent taking what he wanted without a thought to remorse.
I liken it to a war. There are many small battles, many of which I won. After each battle, though, I would slip into denial and allow myself to feel good about myself. I had stood up for myself! What I didn’t do, however, was connect all these little battles to the war itself. And he was winning. Not for a minute did he let up, I just chose not to see that. This pattern continued for a very long time and I settled into it. Battles won, feel good about myself, ignore the obvious, new battle won, denial, etc.. When I finally realized it for what it really was, the true winning(freedom) in all of this was to get him gone asap. He is still trying to drag me into his war, but there can be none if there is only one person. I refuse to engage.
Thank you again!
Cat
and after i posted about the watching thing some questions come up for me.
i see that one of the reasons i used to go and look myself was to ‘know what was going on’ – so that she couldn’t blind side me again.
and that is now why someone else is watching her for me. BUT THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN BLINDSIDE (EXCEPT AROUND WORK) IS IF I AM STILL IN THE GAME.
things have changed. i have contact with lawyers,etc. so i know she is being dealt with in the best way – may not work, but it is legal and public.
I don’t feel the same obligation to the others she is duping there – cause i see it is at the cost to myself. dunno.
for me, it hooks into my vulnerablilities right now – my ‘good name’ is really important – cause everything else is so in edge, and may get worse. and i can’t afford having my name smeared. if my work and housing was stable, and when my work and housing are stable – then it will be different.
Steve, thank you for this article. Why is it that some of us see these behaviors and warning signs, yet we ignore them? All the signs were there for me with a man who is a psychopath and now is stalking me. Like someone who rubber-necks at an accident site, I just stayed to watch. I was in utter disbelief that an adult could be capable of this behavior. Stupidly, I thought I could show him a better way of being, a more refined way of being. This man has ruined my life, there is no stopping him.
For now, I just want the stalking to end. I want him to move on. In the future, I want to learn how to avoid these characters and better myself in a way that I am able to connect the dots quickly and walk way unscathed. To this point, I have been very naive.
Angel
Steve, excellent article.
Noticing the patterns as you describe is key for us in slowly realizing that we are not dealing with a mature and compatible adult companion, even if he initially seems to be so or is close in age to us.
The ongoing inappropriate/negative behaviors, invalidation of the partner’s perceptions and minimization of emotional pain, the N/S thinking his words of apology should be adequate even when no change is evident through consistency in positive actions — all are part of what makes the disordered person impossible.
Forgiveness is one thing, but it was offensive to my intelligence to hear a grown man claim I should continue to overlook utter stupidity, lack of insight and unwillingness to take personal responsibility on his part.
Once I knew I had done my part in helping the relationship evolve to a healthier place, I began getting turned off. There was a point when it all got old, tiresome and intolerable, and I found myself changing how I perceived my ex. He went from someone I had enjoyed to someone whom I found boring due to his obvious stagnation. He simply was not pleasant company after a while, especially when I compared how alive I felt being around other people who were not nearly as self-centered and who were very normal in other good ways.
That’s one reason why the N/S attempts to take up as much of our time as possible or isolate us — because they cannot measure up well in comparison to emotionally-reasonable and psychologically-reciprocal people.
Indeed, a person on the path of healing will eventually say “Good riddance.”