You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Jeepers, Recovering! What a brilliant and concise communication. I just starting looking at him and thinking ‘Reeeally, are you kidding? This is getting extremely tiresome’. I absolutely registered his behavior as offensive, boring, tedious, repetitive, small-minded, and superficial….. As the mask began to slip, it was tedium, just one tiring and chaotic drama, after the next.
AND, it is good to remember that.
Helplessangel, So hard to read that he has ruined your life. I don’t know the actual details of your story, but I understand the feeling of having one’s life destroyed. Please keep visiting Lovefraud, and reading the articles. It will help you with that naive-ness (I think that is naivete, but I don’t know how to spell it!). Glad you are here. Slim
slim,
I think that is naivete, but I don’t know how to spell it!
YES YOU DO!
Steve,
You have nailed my experience: my feelings, my illuminations and my defenses so precisely I just feel as if my acknowledgement and appreciation of said ‘nailing’ should be automatically registered, as maybe some sort of tingly and lovey feeling in your heart, that I would not be needing to repeat myself, in my neverending thanks for your words. In other words, I feel like a broken record, of thanks.
But, whatever, thanks again for the totally spot on ‘detailing’ of how we, some of us, do what we do.
This article leaves me no shadows to hide in. THANK-you!
Steve, boy how I wish I knew all this 5 months ago. I did rationalize his behavior,make excuses for his behavior. funny how our mind to tries to make it okay somehow…I have a legal question kind of regarding no contact…got divorce papers and we have to go before the judge, called a default hearing in Jan. I don’t want to see him, we are not fighting over property or children and thought the judge would just sign the papers and move on, but no, I have to appear, so my question to you and others out there, if I don’t appear, the divorce will go throuhg anyway right…I don’t ever want to see him, he is pure evil, he is conniving. And if I don’t go, would he put a spin on some things and I am not there to defend myself, can I send my lawyer to represent? or is that necessary, anyone out there have any ideas…I am on celexa for depression and xanax for anxiety since all this..can my doc write a letter, any one out have some help for me?
I still dream about him, sometimes he is nice is my dreams and sometimes he is the devil he is, how long will it take for me to be rid of him mind and soul, this guy messed with my head, and as the post above have commented, in a naive way of seeing normalcy we did it to ourselves or allowed it to manifest…any help here would be appreciated. I come to this site when I feel weak and start to think of the persona he put on, the nice funny guy he never really was and this site grounds me right back to the reality that he is one sick sorry fool..I am so appreciative of this site…I would have gone crazy by now has it not been for this place of refuge and comfort to come to.
my love to all of you and your struggles
Dear clovis, I would consult with your attorney over the legal question, I am sure s/he will be able to answer your question. I wouldn’t take any chances on the divorce being canceled! LOL Glad you are here, keep on reading!
I haven’t posted in quite awhile, mainly because I fell back into the well of the relationship I was trying to avoid, then decided one more time, that I would try to RESOLVE. And here it is the holidays and I’m back in the onfusion and disappointment and just wanted to be another poster child here for others to see how dysfunctional these relationships are if you let them drag on – despite the nice times you think (at the time) make them worth it. And I wanted to tell you, Steve – how much I’ve appreciated your writings in particular – you have a special way of getting right to the insidious ways we deceive ourselves in these situations – as well as how these people operate time and time again – you are very astute and keyed in to all the subtleties of emotion that happen.
Today I had the rug pulled out once again – after weeks of promises of money coming through on the sale of a house of his and the transfer pending of money to my account – still supposed
to be happening tomorrow – and then the request for ‘spotting him’ another fifty or 100 dollars, coming right on top of several nice days of being together. I gave him eleven dollars this
morning and just said that I was so tired of this habit of his saying or promising these paybacks or nice things we’ll be doing together, and then he asks once again for money and for me
to have faith in him – which amazingly enough, I still have slight pangs of guilt for not having that undying feeling for seeing him through yet another hard time. I”M experiencing hard times! I”M paying for the heat, the food, the alcohol, the gas for the car, and it’s more than I would usually pay for just myself! Lately he’d met a few more of my close friends – this, finally after 8 years and now he puts me on the phone more with his brothers back east – there will seem to be progress and then wham – it’s always about money and changing circumstances. I’m so sick of this money thing – it’s always MY money going out, especially after I’ve made anything extra with my art and feeling good about it, that sense of pride when you can support yourself (in all ways). And then it seems like
it’s snatched out of my hand – just depresses the hell out of me!
So here I am again – I’m at that point where I still have some love for him, but the love for myself and compassion for my own struggle and efforts in trying to do right
by myself is taking center stage. I don’t want to resent him but more and more I do! This morning he left after we had some words – I gave him the eleven dollars I had in my wallet and did not give him the fifty (or forty) he asked for and then he left, disappointed in me when he says there will be a large amount in my account tomorrow. I will feel like a sh– if he does come through – it would be
so wonderful in so many ways if he would – but I am too used to the other shoe falling – in that way, I’d say I’m only human, wouldn’t you?
Thanks for listening yet again, I have looked in here from time to time but have just been busy working and trying to stay afloat in my life, getting ready for Christmas. Love to you all.
Dear persephone,
LOCK THE DOOR, DARLING! Don’t let him back into your life! You KNOW THE TRUTH, and I know it is painful to accept it, but how much more of the lie are you going to BUY into? Personally, I will be willing to bet my farm that you never see the 11$ much less any more.
Wake up girlfriend! YOU deserve better! Keep on reading here and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! The power to say to him, “this isn’t working, YOU aren’t working, I don’t want you in my life—go away” and mean it! Even if it hurts, you know he is like a DRUG and going back to him and listening to his lies is only like another shot in the arm, it may make you high for a while, but it is wrecking you, soul, mind and body! ((((Hugs))) and my prayers!
Persephone:
(my name stands for aerobics psycho babe 🙂
When asking yourself those questions, like “Id say Im only human-wouldn’t you?”, try to rewrite your story in your mind and say the actors are your friends. If your good friend came to you and told you the SAME story, but it was her, what would you say?
Would you tell her that she’s creating her own drama by being with him? Would you tell her that the only one who can make a change is her? Would you tell her that the lies WILL NOT STOP until SHE changes the script? Would you tell her that he doesnt love her because if you love someone, you dont use and manipulate them?
Hopefully you would say all these things. Sometimes being a ‘friend’ to ourselves and treating ourselves as we were ‘defending’ our BEST friend in the WORLD forces us to recognize that WE are NOT here to be treated like dirt-just as our friends arent.
Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as though YOU are the most important person in YOUR world…he clearly isn’t.
Dear R-babe,
Good way of putting your advice! Great way in fact! We must treat ourselves as well as we treat others, and EXPECT others to treat us as well as we treat them! (((hugs)))