You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
slimone: Your comment or silent thoughts to your S: ’Reeeally, are you kidding? This is getting extremely tiresome’ — made me LOL. AND YES, as you say, it is good to remember these reactions we have, among other things.
Persephone: Yes, it will be interesting to see if the money your significant other says is coming through soon actually does. At least good for you in not giving him all the $$ he asked for, settling on the $11 you were comfortable with and letting him deal with it. Small steps help and can add up to courage to set bigger boundaries, as you know. Be good to yourself.
Dear Oxy, Rbabe and recovering:
Thanks so much for your responses, read them yesterday but couldn’t find a private time to respond with him here. He just went to bank so I will see (and report back) what happens – I think
he knows I am at the end of my rope with this. Oxy, especially – I know you must be impatient with me, I am impatient with myself.
I have thought about your comment, Rbabe – in thinking about how I would advise a friend or my own daughter in this – I’ve even brought that up to the person I’m writing about – he never
seems to ‘get it’ that his inconsistent behavior or the instability would drive me or anyone else crazy. He does admit that I have ‘alot on my plate’…(but of course he has MORE!)
Will check back in…
Dear Persephone,
No, darling I am not “impatient” with you, and not upset at you either, we all must make our own choices in our own time and LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES…I have EMPATHY for you, because I have BEEN THERE on the “fence” trying to figure out how to stop my own pain, and realizing that in order to stop my demise, my own emotional and physical death I have to DO SURGERY ON MY OWN HEART, to take a “rusty butcher knife” and CUT the ABSCESS of filthyness and toxic infection out of my own heart, and I know I won’t be able to be “asleep” when I do this, I will have to plunge that big long knife into my own heart and twist to remove the toxic tumor that grows there like a CANCER.
But I also know if I do not do this, the cancer will envelop me and suck the very life out of me.
It is a difficult decision, and one many of us delay for years and years, but I can TESTIFY that in the end, it is the LESS PAINFUL WAY TO DO IT. Only when we have the courage to make that cut, to do that surgery, are we able to heal, and I won’t tell you that I think that decision is EASY because it isn’t.
But, in the end, it is YOUR DECISION…what I think about it doesn’t matter because it is NOT my life, not my decision, NOT MY PAIN OR CONSEQUENCES.
I can be here to tell you my opinion, but you are not obligated to take it or even believe it, but I think at the same time, you are HERE ON LF, because YOU REALLY KNOW THE TRUTH, and the validation that our opinions give you will give you courage to make the decisions to cut yourself free of the toxic P. But if not, that’s okay too because it is YOUR decision and YOUR life. I isupport you no matter what your choices are. (((hugs))) and my prayers for your peace.
Dear Oxy: I just want to tell you thank you again, I feel like I know you and that’s a good feeling as I know you’ve been there and you truly care about everyone here, taking
the time to really address each of us. My friend came up with another excuse about bank this morning (I inwardly sigh and don’t like – though it may be healthy now- that I also want to laugh) and he said he went and pawned a golf club for $10 for gas to get back to city where he plans to go to bank there and get things cleared up. I guess I don’t feel like making major waves till after Christmas. I still have a small amount in my bank account – I want to buy my grandson a gift and then am framing some photographs I’ve taken of family for gifts. I’m going to let this money thing play out this week, didn’t even offer any ‘gas money’ this time and he knew well enough not to ask. I feel sorry for his constant struggles but more and more I’m WANTING to disengage, I’m so emotionally and physically tired after awhile, the uncertainty of each day just gets to you – I just want his job in the city to work out for him and to get him out of my house. If I think about it too long I admit I am a bit scared of him, I don’t know how much he would go beyond calling me at odd hours or stalking me at all if I break it off – he is very big and imposing though he can seem quite gentle with me and there is that bond between us. So I won’t say much more, will again check back in with you – I feel a certain emotional infidelity again speaking of him and this situation in this way and wish I had disengaged many months before now, it might have been easier on both of us. I had a dream the other night of being over in France and having my purse stolen and all my IDs – then spent time in the beautiful countryside looking at all the animals, flowers, buildings in what seemed to be rich, rich colors – and I was scared but I thought ‘well, maybe this is a sign, I always wanted to live in France and now I have no way back – I’ll just live here now!’ My grandmother was from France, there’s so much more I want to do with my art and my life – in the dream too was a bear in the distance, a badger that came up out of the trail and sprayed like a skunk, and there were 7-8 mountain lions hanging from their tails in a row from a tree alongside a path I was on…It was all in these beautiful colors too and surreal but I knew I was surrounded by predators it seems and that I had lost my sense of direction.
Better get back to presents and life in the real world… Take care, yourself Oxy. Wonder what kind of pies or good things you’ll be making for the holidays…
Dear Persphone,
I’ve been baking “amish friendship” bread, which is sort of a dark bread-like cake made from a “starter” that you have to keep feeding etc. I add nuts and raisons to it and realized the other day that it is a bit like a “light” fruit case. i also added chopped apples to the mix and it was wonderful. My starter is “due” again to be ready to feed/bake on Wednesday so will make another batch or two (either 3 or 6 of the bread sized cakes) and add something yummy to them. I have stopped smoking though, and my butt is getting as big as a tubb! so I probably ought not to make too many of them or make them too good! LOL
I suggest that you read by tghrough your post to me Persephone and look at what you have said there as “excuses” for why you don’t want to do anything now.
1) it is Christmas and don’t want to make major waves at this time.
2) you feel pity for him–he has no place to go
3) you are afraid of him–he’s a big imposing guy and you don’t know what he might do if you tossed him out.
4) you are waiting for his “job to work out” and HIM TO LEAVE but are not willing to toss him out of YOUR home.
5) you are too tired to do anything
Do any of these make any real logical sense to you?
I hope you have a good Christmas in spite of him being that, but I can’t see at all how him being there will improve your tiredness or your holiday or your bank account.
Sounds like your subconscious though is telling you that you are surrounded by predators. In living color! I’ve been there, but life IS much better NOT surrounded by predators. I promise you!@.......
Oxy: Guess I had to just write it down, stupid, stupid. You’re right – and I’m tired of trying to analyze now what my real feelings even are anymore – I will still feel sincerely happy with him at times but then he has such a predictable pattern, we both do – and this can’t be healthy love, I’ve seen and felt healthy love and it doesn’t make me feel bonded for moments (even days!)and then distressingly alone at others, and I mean that inside ‘aloneness’ – I actually like and need some time for solitude (no TV!!) like I’ve had today…
I’m going to make banana bread with some orange liqueur and those Ocean Spray cranberry/chocolate pieces and throw in some almonds too – will make enough for gifts and keep one loaf at house – your amish bread sounds great – my kids’ Dad and I used to make sourdough bread and kept the starter going for a couple of years, that was the best bread I’ve ever had and was always gone in a day!
Ditto to OxDrover’s comment of Dec 17th; “YOU GOT ME PEGGED.” I thrive on this life saving site! Thanks for another year of reality, support, and insight.
Easy words to say; but coming back from suicidal brushes, they are from my deepest core. Thank you entire Lovefraud site people: you remain my life vest.
Looking forward to stronger 2010 continuing “No Contact” method.
Oh yeah! Been there done THAT! In individual relationships and when I consider my PTSD holistically and not just in response to one individual.
So many incidents of isolated abuse that, over time, add up and take a cumulative toll. They also establish a pattern in my relational choices.
I have only begun to surround myself with people that would never hurt me like that. I didn’t even know people like that existed until I started my “no tolerance” policy.
Helplessangel, Recovering, Slimone, Clovis…thanks so much for your comments, all of you…and others I’ve neglected to thanks.
I suspect that what I get from you is much more than what I give, but we won’t debate that.
Recovering, your observation: “That’s one reason why the N/S attempts to take up as much of our time as possible or isolate us because they cannot measure up well in comparison to emotionally-reasonable and psychologically-reciprocal people.” This is wonderfully astute.
Best!
Steve
Dear Persephone,
You are right, it is NOT “healthy love”—and the thing is that it is only healthy love that lifts us up, not pounds us down!
We must look at the BIG pattern and not use the “defense mechanisim” of taking individual small abuses and saying “oh, well that’s not so bad” or “it might be better tomorrow” it is the up and down the INTERMITTENT POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT in between abuses small and large that trick us in.
It is Animal training 101, and what I use to keep animals trained, INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT. If he was nasty 100% of the time, you would finally give up and go away, but the intermittent nature of the “rewards” you get, the “good feelings” keep you hanging on through all the mean times just hoping for that reward. Just like a rat pushing a lever for the occasional piece of corn, but getting shocks the majority of the time. Pavlov’s theories PROVEN. We are as trainable as dogs, and that’s what they do.
BREAK AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY! Kick him out! GAIN FREEDOM and BREAK THE CHAINS!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! (((hugs))))