You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath?
That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he’ll do whatever’s necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it.
Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda.
Now here’s the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you’re even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense?
So then what’s the problem?
The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents.
In stepping away from them, you potentially risk enacting your own form of compartmentalization, by which I mean that, while in the moment you may address his abuse with some backbone, yet beyond the moment you effectively “drop the ball” by failing to process, and own, the greater pattern.
It’s a case of our seeing the trees in the forest just fine, yet somehow, defensively, ensuring that we fail to see the forest through the trees.
I’m referring, of course, to a kind of defense mechanism with which some—not all—of us may be familiar?
As I suggested, strategically this defense mechanism deploys a form of compartmentalization, while tactically it assumes forms of denial, minimization and avoidance (of reality).
What precisely is the function and, more importantly, the danger of this defense mechanism?
Its function, I suspect, is to prevent us from connecting the dots; that is, our failure (defensively) to connect the dots enables our avoidance of confronting the greater pattern that underlies the series of incidents.
So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.
To be clear, we achieve this self-compromise by reframing the abuse as a series of brushfires to be troubleshot on an ongoing basis, much like a manageable chronic illness.
And especially if, as I’ve noted, we’re pretty good at this—somewhat effective, that is, at confronting these brushfires on a case by case basis—then it becomes easier to compartmentalize in the manner I’m describing.
The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.
This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity.
(My use of “he” in this article was for strictly for convenience’s sake, not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Christmas; the time to talk about angels, angels waving big red flags.
All through my life I have believed that sometimes something or someone steps in to give you a warning, to care for you. It does not matter what you call it, I don’t think you have to be a church goer or have some prescribed faith, but I like to think of it as my Gaurdian Angel.
For the last few weeks I have been telling my ex that I will be spending Christmas alone, especially as he ruined last Christmas for me and my son and his wife, then cleared off on Boxing Day to his be extra charming to his first wife and kids. Since I finally got him out of my life in March I have been through most of the mourning stages, but I still find that the hardest thing to deal with is the guilt when he cries, when he threatens to kill himself, when he has to live with his Mum and has no job or money and has had injuries from a bike accident.
Even when he turned up uninvited and said he was ‘marking his territory’ and that it would ‘destroy him if I found someone else,’ I still felt guilty when I sent him away.
This morning I got more texts and then a call: ‘So, what’s happening for Christmas.’
Once again I felt guilty when I said I will be here alone, he’s fallen out with all his family you see….
I was wavering. Was he right? Think back to the good times, forget about the past, let him try again. Then I read Steve’s post.
I haven’t looked on here for a while, but every time I start to weaken it’s as if that angel, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, steps in.
For the last five years I have moved from ‘fire’ to ‘fire’ and never thought to look at the bigger picture. As Rosa put it so well, the whisper, the tap on the shoulder, the pebble, all the red flags and warnings, as duped said, ‘the cumulative toll.’ Then those little happy moments – until it happens again and the mask slips.
Dear Persephone, until recently I still had those feelings of ‘love’ that pulled me back, all that charm that’s turned on to blind you until the next time. It’s only by standing back and looking at it as a whole that you can begin to see that it will never be right, it will always be the same.
My ex keeps saying, ‘why can’t you forget the past, why keep dragging it up, let’s move on.’
Yes, I’ve tried that. Move on until the next time, and there always is a next time.
Steve’s right, all those snapshots from the past add up to the bigger picture.
Thanks to you all for stopping me doing a stupid thing again and letting the ex come for Christmas.
When he called this morning he read me a long rant from his first wife calling him a pathetic looser who will end up a lonely old man. Of course, he hadn’t done anything and she was – well I won’t tell you what he said she was. I thought at the time, this is probably what he says about me.
OXY OXY OXY:
Want you to know how impressed I am that you are so cognizant of your chemical/ hormonal response to dealing with telling the story and feeling the trauma of the lack of support in telling it historically. And to tell you that your sharing this is very supportive of my looking at how I use my energy in my very messed up circumstances.
I hope you are feeling much more ‘ balanced’ today. And less afraid. PLEASED AS PUNCH that you found a good person to help. I find that I am often most emotional when I meet the good ones as my defenses come down.
I met a good one yesterday, too. A lawyer in the IL Attorney General’s office. I talked to him about the spath and her current online activities (he is gathering complaints against her and is connected with the lawyer of the woman who is suing her for fraud), and HE TOTALLY GETS IT! It was awesome.
Which makes me really aware that validation is one of the things I am ‘after’, and it is good that I understand what is motivating me, so that I look to fullfilling my needs in healthy ways. but, i digress…
I said to him, ‘you know she’s a sociopath!’ I was so excited – I hadn’t been using that language, but talking about behaviors. But when I knew HE GOT IT, I used the opportunity to tell him about lovefraud and to share the info I had about sociopathy.
He keeps running into trouble with the process, ’cause none of her dupees want her to have their names and addresses, and this is necessary given the process. So, he is going to his bosses, yet again, to talk about how this lack of anonymity ensures that their is no protection for those who might otherwise lay formal complaints.
It was a bit hard, because he did ask me for some info about her endless twitter accounts and then he went online and asked me about the diff. characters. and it triggered me a bit. (but all that does is reinforce that i donna wanna be there)
He was SO QUICK. he got it straight SO fast – and that is always the challenge, isn’t it? there are always so many details and twists and turns, that people put up defenses right away…cause we look loony, and NO WAY all that could have happened…But it did and it does.
So, TOWANDA to us! And the good lawyers. I hope today is a much gentler day for you. try not to eat all that lovely bread.
one step
Dear NewStart,
You are TRULY having a NEW start!@....... Good for you!!!! You are seeing the BIG PICTURE and the picture shows that he IS A LOSER because he is NOT a giver, only a FAKER, wanting to suck the life out of others and uses a Pity play to get you to feel sorry for him. DON’T fall for that!
They use our compassion for the downfallen to suck us into being their “sugar mamas” or “sugar daddies” and taking care of their needs while they suck off us like a vampire, draining our blood. We need them WHY? NOT, of course. We don’t deserve to be drained of our blood so they can live. Let them go back to their coffins where they belong, and drive a stake through them without pity!
Get out of the FOG—Fear, Obligation and Guilt.—we are NOT obligated to make their life soft, and we should not feel guilty for taking care of ourselves!
Happy holidays to you and a P-FREE new year!
I thought I killed this thread but I read what duped said this morning and what others have said (Steve put it so well) about ‘so many isolated incidents of abuse.’ I just had my
son come over – he’s leaving a beautiful road bike in my garage that he totally put together from parts for his girlfriend (mom of my grandson) and I couldn’t help it – I just teared up and started cry – it’s not like self-pity but I just felt that I wish I was the sort of woman someone would do something like that for me. and I didn’t want to cry in front of my son, I’d been trying to make things better with my kids about accepting this man back into my life and yet there have been those same isolated incidents lately – yesterday my lover left in the morning, saying he had to go to bank in the city, called later in afternoon to say he’d call when he was ready to leave, I told him I’d cooked roast – and then he didn’t call back until a few minutes ago this morning. And I’d been crying! I’d been having a conversation with my son after breaking into tears and my son just said that he and my daughter will probably never accept him and that it’s just so unhealthy – I agreed but brought up the holidays, not wanting to turn him out, etc.
So now my man and I had ‘the conversation’ – I feel like sh-t and I said he just didn’t get that I am just at the point I can’t afford to have him here and that I felt he got irritated lately every time I brought up the Chase Bank and money he kept promising would be in my account (and I never had asked for it – he just kept saying it would happen so I never knew whether I’d have more money for Christmas to shop with or other things). Then I made the mistake(?) of bringing up last Monday when I was so touched that he followed through and took me to dentist, even came into room just before I had my wisdom tooth pulled and then drove me home. I felt cared for till we got back to my house about 1:00 and I took my pills, went back to my bedroom to lay down and he followed me – then out of the blue he asked me for $100, said he needed it to go pay for his storage in city (hour and half away) and he’d be back by 6. I couldn’t believe it – I had just gotten last payment in cash on a kiln I’d sold and gave him the $100 – and he left. I had my vanilla shake we’d bought and soup so I guess I was okay – I did have a couple of bouts of nausea and dizziness like it said I might on pill containers but got over it – I got up at one point and cleaned out shelves in the kitchen – got rid of a bunch of glass jars, I had this nervous energy about just what had happened…
He didn’t come back by 6, I called him at 7 and he said he was on his way…so he came back at 10 that night. Am I wrong in thinking this was insensitive of him? I brought it up to him the next day – in a funny way, I just asked him if he would have done same thing with his mother – he said of course, she had a husband to look out for her (now there’s skewed logic). But today I brought it up again and he was like oh boy, you have to bring that up again…You were fine, you had your medication, I had sh-t to do – I didn’t get back as soon as I thought but I was back that night so what’s the problem?
And the money thing has still not been addressed – I told him I knew he didn’t like it when I brought it up but it did have an impact on me. That I couldn’t afford to buy more food and alcohol for two people – he jumped on that and said ‘ no one held a gun to your head and said you had to buy alcohol – you could have just told me you couldn’t afford it’ – and he’s actually right, I should have spoken up. I should have spoken up many times.
And right now I do feel isolated, I didn’t tell my son everything, especially about money but he said he just wants me to be happy and that this whole thing just doesn’t go with who I
am and i agree. Why do I feel like I, I just goofed everything up though – like even coming to this site again that I ‘expected bad, not good’ of him and that’s how it’s playing out
because I just couldn’t bend, be more easy-going, less demanding (I didn’t know asking ‘so what were you doing down there’ was such a terrible question) and just stay the loving,
understanding girl friend.
I’m going to go take a shower. I know this is too long, too he said, she said. But there’s the update, Oxy doesn’t have to sell her farm. Maybe I’m the one who just had to destroy this
before the holidays, didn’t think I had that issue, but maybe it is me. Maybe I’m the one with trust issues. Maybe he was planning to surprise me with $5000 and a shopping spree. Now
I probably won’t get it. Maybe I really am unreasonable, if anyone would just comment about day he took me to the dentist and left, I’d like to get someone else’s take on that – he’s
convinced that was ‘okay’ because ‘I had my medication.’
It’s easy to rationalize the abuse when these people step back into their sweet mode. That’s part of the ‘crazy making’ they inflict on us. Keeps us teetering back and forth in our minds wondering which one is the true person. Because we are the types of people that look for the good in others, we focus on the good they do[ and believe they are really good]. This is so dangerous for us because we become ‘sucked’ into processing their bad behavior, rationalizing it and we wind up absorbing the negative energy that should belong to them. They are responsible for their bad behavior and they do know it. They always look for people with this type personality to suck dry. It’s why when we do finally realize these P’s are evil, they do know what they are doing, they are accountable and premeditated in their behavior-we are burned out and exhausted.
Oxy: I posted over your comments and Newstart and others – just know how much your words mean to me – and I’m just glad this will be over, that I’m looking forward to
being alone, it’s do-able, I’m up for it…And Oxy, last night I read on other thread about your own challenges – you’re amazing and I’m thinking of you and praying your new
attorney is just the person you need, another angel like we all need.
Persephone7,
It is NOT YOU….Repeat that over and over again. Breath, exhale and repeat.
You have a little voice inside of you that you are ignoring. The little voice is persistant but you keep ignoring it.
The little voice is telling you that his ACTIONS and his words are NOT “saying” the same thing. His actions speak volumes but his actions are hurtful. His words are what you want to hear.
His words are lies. His actions are the truth.
He is abusing you.
When anyone comes into our lives and causes us to question ourselves, over and over again….Keeps us in that state of “confusion” all the time. (like what DID just happened here)
And when we ignore our own little voice. And carry that load of “guilt” (that they give us) around us like extra pounds on our bodies. (the guilt seems attatched to us and we can’t let it go) If we are walking on eggshells or always waiting for the other shoe to fall….If we are always giving but RARELY recieving anything in return. (except false hope)
These things all indicate abuse. If you can’t trust yourself (your inner voice) Who can you trust?
In an abusive relationship one of the first things that happens is that we give our complete trust to another person that doesn’t deserve that trust. It is a powerful thing for a person to TAKE our trust to a degree where we doubt ourselves, more than we doubt them. We question our own motives, more than we question theirs.
He has given you no reason to expect good out of him. Actions speak louder than words.
LISTEN to your inner voice. Your gut is telling you the truth.
The money thing….The waiting….As you “wait” for the past money to appear in your account he is taking more money from you. This will never end. Everytime you give him more money, it is instant gratification for him. Until the next time. Like a lab rat hitting a button for a treat. He will “hit” that button until it no longer produces the treat.
You deserve better. By taking him in for the holidays you are feeling miserable. So why is it that he deserves to be happy for the holidays but you do not deserve that same happiness?
YOU DO deserve to be happy. And I think that is what your son and daughter are not seeing…..You being happy with this man.
No one can make this decision for you. Except you. Listen to what your inner voice is telling you.
How amazing to have found this website after all these years. I left the SP ex a little over 3 years ago and am now married to a wonderful man, but these things still come back to haunt me. I had pushed it away for so long because I had come to the point where I could only remember dealing with it on a case-by-case basis. I wish more people could read this article. There is so much secrecy, shame, and a fight for that pseudo-dignity. I have been looking for an articulate way to explain it, so thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
Glad you are here ChristyK,
It takes a while to process it all but glad you have a wonderful new partner and are healing. Lots to learn and this is a good place to learn it. Welcome.
Witsend: I only have time to say thank you for your kind words of the other day – it’s working out. Wishing you the best and happiness for the
holidays.