by Quinn Pierce 
The Perpetual Victim
I don’t know how he does it. It’s a skill he continues to practice and perfect, I suppose. What’s astonishing is his ability to twist any situation- no matter how absurd- into something where he can paint himself as the victim.
Anyone who was even remotely involved in our lives last year would know that my ex-husband reached a new level of vindictive, hurtful behavior. He manipulated every resource he could access including doctors, courts, school systems, and child services in two states. It was such a forceful and constant barrage of attacks that I didn’t even have time to collect my thoughts before responding.
And that was his goal all along.
Keeping You Off-Balance
The favorite and most commonly used strategy of my ex-husband is the surprise attack. He will always do his best to catch me off-guard, or corner me at in-opportune times when I’m distracted or not prepared for what he is doing.
He preys on vulnerability and indecisiveness. It’s a tactic that has always proven successful- especially with me. What he continues to fail to understand is that while he is incapable of changing, growing, or healing, that is just what his children and I have been doing.
Every day.
A One-Sided Game
My son once returned from a visit with his father and tried to explain to me the bizarre conversations with, and explanations from, his father. My children are completely aware of their father’s character flaws, shall we say. But, there are still aspects of his personality that baffle them at times.
For example, my son was explaining how my ex-husband described what he believed to be my motives and rationale for things he thinks I’m doing.
The key word here is: thinks . What he thinks I’m doing.
That’s what was confusing to my son. He knew that none of the things his father was talking about actually took place anywhere in reality. It’s as if he is fighting a war against me, except that he doesn’t realize that I’m not actually participating. My ex-husband and his wife spend most of their time talking about and anticipating my next move, which would be more conceivable if I ever planned anything ahead of time. Ironically, one of his biggest pet peeves during our marriage was how ‘unprepared and unorganized’ I was.
It’s funny to think that he now pictures me as some kind of sly, cunning, well-planned enemy biding my time before attacking. Ironically, I usually consider my day a success if I only lose my car keys once.
Planning ahead is not my greatest strength. Not engaging in his fictional game of war, however, may just be.
Unraveling at the Seams
My ex-husband caused so much devastation in our family last year, that my older son is now estranged from him completely. It was a year of blaming, accusing, lying, and threatening me and my children, and yet, my ex is shocked that his children harbor any anger towards him at all.
He insists that I have alienated him from them, and that I have brainwashed them with lies and accusations. But, while he was playing this fantasy game of war, standing on every soap box he could find, and shouting through every social media channel he could access, I did”¦nothing.
I didn’t have to. Once again, he failed to see how strong, independent, and responsible his own children are. He treated them like they were young, naive, easily manipulated toddlers. More like an image of himself, if you will.
I simply stood back and watched his one-act show go down in flames. His lies started colliding, his actions became desperate and tantrum-like. His credibility slowly eroded.
Strength Overtakes Fear
And just like that, my own fears began to fade- giving way to a strength I didn’t know I possessed. It’s a strength that comes from watching your children come up against adversity and conquer it with a grace that steals your breath. It’s a strength that comes from feeling hopeless and helpless and not giving up.
It’s a strength that comes from surviving years of emotional abuse and believing in yourself enough to say: I will not allow this any more. It’s a strength that comes from raising children whose integrity and courage inspires others.
And it’s a strength that comes from trusting in the goodness life has to offer in order to find happiness and love.
It’s a strength we will all find on this journey together.
Happy New Year…
New Year’s Resolutions for Lovefraud readers
Quinn – It’s so nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry that the sociopath just won’t let up. But you and your boys are rising above it!
Happy New Year!
Indeed, that’s what we all must do – rise above these kinds of people.
Quinn, the psychopath I encountered constantly projected onto me what he was doing himself. I obviously didn’t this at the time. I can only guess that is what your ex-husband is doing to you. It’s great to know this, as you then know what they are up to….in case you need the heads up.
Those people get away with so much for so long that they really don’t understand that everything shouldn’t be all their way, all the time. Eventually their bad behavior will come home to roost. The sociopath I married harassed my employer until I lost my job, drove me from my home, decimated me financially, slandered my character and was then righteously indignant that I didn’t want to be “friends.” Well, no. Friends don’t lie to you, cheat on you or terrorize you. They don’t stalk you or break into your home. I got myself safe and watched the death spiral from a distance. Within a couple of years, he had lost his career, his credibility, and his second marriage had crumbled. When he lost his health, no one was around to care.
Stay strong, Quinn. Sociopaths self destruct when they start behaving to the outside world the same way they behave toward their victims behind closed doors. The general public hasn’t been groomed to accept that level of entitlement, and the unraveling begins.
I sometimes wonder if the sociopath ever reaps what he sows? The pain and trauma that a sociopath causes people is just horrible!
I DO NOT WISH any bad to any person, but sometimes I just wish that they would be held accountable for the evil and hurt they have caused. My ex husband is a so called preacher and in fact he is a master at manipulation.He befriends christians with good intentions and the desire to love God and uses them. He used me for years until I had to go see a therapist and describing him and what I was going through and the psychotherapist said he was a sociopath. It was so hard to believe but It is true. I feel so sorry for the church organization who pays for him to travel the world preaching when in fact he is a compulsive liar and a cheater. He has even slept with women in the congregation when I was pregnant with our first child. He now has a new group of followers who give him money, trips around the world. He is awful and nothing so appealing about him but yet soooo charming, almost like a spell. Master at manipulation. I just wonder how these new people do not have that gut feeling about him. He puts a front but I know exactly who he is and what he is all about. I can not confront these people about him because he will just use an excuse that I am just jealous of him. He lies cheats and uses christian women to fall in love with him. He has used many women in the church and when he does not want them anymore disregards them and when they confront him he calls them liars. He does not work and they donate money to him. He lies about most of his TESTIMONIES. I just feel so sorry for these new people because they have no idea what a creep he is. He had seizures as a child and they did find a spot in his brain it could of affected some part of his brain. Either way I am so thankful for this website and it has helped me a lot in my recovery. I just wonder if they ever reap all the heart ache they cause?
According to the Bible. they will reap the consequences of their choices: Proverbs 22:8,Job 4:8, Galatians 6:7, Jeremiah 17:10, Psalm 34:16, Proverbs 17:13, Psalm 37:9, Proverbs 12:7, etc.
Thank You. I will look these verses up!
Jenna23 I understand totally
Quinn, my heart goes out to you and your kids. I’m glad you found some new strength to help you cope with this nightmare. Thank you for this inspiring post, I really needed it today. Wishing you a brighter year in 2015.
I have watched the sociopath self destruct for 6 years now. From having to file bankruptcy. Losing all respect within community. I hate that no matter where I go, people are constantly asking me about the sociopath. Telling me things about what she is doing now that is illegal. Asking me if she is still strung out on drugs. I just want away from the situation. I don’t want to know about her illegal activities. How she is allowing a convicted sex offender live with her when her children are there. The kids have caught the sex offender looking up porn and pleasing himself. It’s horrible. I can’t process these things. And I want nothing to do eith situation. But I feel if I don’t speak up then I am just as bad as her for knowing this info.
I want away from it all. My husband has recently been diagnosed with cancer. And we are considering moving to a different state. So he can heal and not be harassed by this psychopathic woman. The situation has only gotten better because we refuse to listen to people who are telling us all the bad things she is Doing. We have no contact. And my husband and I have changed phone numbers. It’s been hell. A living hell. My husbands daughter is 16 and has finally moved out and lives with us now. But the sociopaths illegitamate son has no where to go. We use to get him when my husbands child came over. But now she refuses to let us see him. Which we have no rights. He is not my husbands real son. He was just his step son for a little while. This poor kid is in 7th grade and has so many emotion issues because of the psychopath. It’s sad. But I have had to detach because it is out of my hands. If I interfere it puts my daughter, me and husband at risk. I am afraid of my husbands ex wife.
She has told people that she wishes I would get in a car wreck and die and hopes my daighter dies to. My daughter is 8 years old. Who WOULD SAY THAT ABOUT A CHILD? Even a sociopath knows not to say things like that. So i assume I am dealing with a True psychotic woman. Maybe lost touch with reality. And I have to keep myself and dsughter safe. I can’t get involved ever again.
Yes I would agree mental illness is also at play in ur husband’s ex. I deal with it in my situation also. Makes them doubly dangerous.
I used to get some delight in watching my ex self-destruct — he’s so good at it, after all lol Any time he is not with me, he hits bottom very quickly. I am the only stabilizing influence he has ever had in his life. Now I seriously dont care. He could hit the jackpot lottery and I wudnt want a dime of it nor would i wish him bad tho. Or he can stay indigent and stupid. Whichever. I dont care.
The freedom I have that he is just someone I used to know, is a straight up gift.
I am working so hard at getting the narc to that place of idontcare-hood. I purposely put hurtful (but true) things on my facebook becuz i know he stalks it (he cant post or message me tho). He is completely ruled by his emotions (he may be BPD also) so if i can hurt him enough he may leave me alone, at least for long periods at a time while I recover that much more. Its an effective strategy Ive developed over the 3.5yrs Ive known him. I am not a hurtful, mean person esp with my words. Its alien to me to say anything that i mite regret esp if its said only in the heat of the moment. So i had to realize its how he operates therefore its probably the worst thing i could do to him. BINGO — Everything with him is projection. Even when its not projection, its a sort of projection. Aiyiyi these disordered ppl!
But you know what? Im winning. Hes not losing at all, that i know of, but I Am Winning and i will continue to win back my life and my dignity. he was not the only person that victimized me; he was just the impetus that is hurtling me towards change. Thats MY win 🙂
I hope that things continue to work for you like this. But I might have written much the same thing a year ago. My kids had seen my ex-H for what he is, and had moved to my house voluntarily, not seeing him much. One child, now of age and out of the custody agreement, could not leave him alone, though.
And that, combined with ongoing alienation that I was somewhat aware of, but had vastly underestimated, and then a new barrage of attacks, led to my children at the least seriously questioning my role and decisions and at the worst estranging us as they do not understand me or what I sacrificed for them. By sitting back and letting my ex’s own bad actions speak for themselves, I thought I did not need to speak about him. The kids would and did figure him out themselves. He would hoist his own petard. Only they didn’t. Not fully. And he renewed his attempts to incessently attack and criticize everything about me for years. Finally I guess some of it sunk in to them. Like in this story above, they attacked me for things that were not even true, were not even happening. Just because they were in the mind of my ex, who told them these things as though they were fact and were actually happening now. It is like a surreal version of reality. Finally, I am forced to opt out. I have done what I can and they are of an age to start making their own decisions. I hope they will see someday. But I despair that he has won their hearts, even though technically I won custody over time as they live with me. I find this mystifying, given his long history of rejecting them and ignoring their needs.
In my case, after living for 40 years with sociopaths (23 years with ex and then 30 years with 5 children), it is now my opinion that genes dominate over environmental factors and little can be done about this fact.
His biggest loss is losing you, Jenna. Not sure how old you both are, but give it time. When it finally happens (and it will!) you will probably not care anymore. That’s your biggest victory. You just. don’t. care. Because you’re living your own life and you’re so grateful to be out of his clutches. He did you a favor. Please remember that.
I think the only hope for Spathtard to fall flat on his face and stay there is when his mommy dies and is no longer there to scoop him up and provide an enabling safety net for his highness. BTW……..be is almost 50. Charming. Although there is always hope that it will happen before she passes……….his little buddy just crashed and burned, unfortunately it was head on into another car. You love to see them go down but not when it’s at someone else’s expense. losers.